Game of Thrones 3.1 – Valar Dohaeris

Why don't any of these people wear hats?

Why don’t any of these people wear hats?

Welcome back, friends, to the fastest hour on television. (How am I shocked when the episode is over every single time? ) Previously on Game of Thrones: incest! Murder! War! King Weaselteat getting a Tyrion smack down!

(And if you’re new to the site, welcome! We’re a NON-HATE place. This is where you come to ride out your buzz of excitement with fellow fans. No dickish behavior, no character bashing, no rude comments. You literally have the rest of the internet for that stuff, you know?)


So we left off in Season 2 with Samwell “Red Leader Porkins” Tarley stumbling  as a crowd of Wight Walkers/Zombies overtook him far north of the The Wall.  He sat pissing himself (icicles in bad places!) as one seriously wrinkled Wight Walker made eye contact. The Grandpa Zombie then pointed his ice spear (Surely there’s stronger material than ice? That has a damage of like, only 4. Pfft.) and called to his peeps:

“To the windows! To the Wall! ‘Til the flesh drop off my balls! All y’all Crows gone call! Ah, screech screech, Wight Walkers! Ah, screech screech, hot damn!”

Porkins takes off running (oh, now you can run?) and sees a fellow Crow just a head. Well, holding his head because he’s dead. Well…shit. And great, now there’s a Wight Walker with a sweet battleaxe (actual steel, not ice, increase in damage 20%) bearing down on him when Ghost the Direwolf saves the day, yay puppy!!

Well, almost. Ghost pulls and tugs the Wight Walker who’s only goal is to eat Porkins and his Cracklings. The remaining Watchers of the Wall are suddenly there with fire, putting the Wight Walker down for good. It’s Lord Mormont, and boy, is he not happy.

“So, that job I gave you? The whole ‘send the ravens’ thing? You did that, right? Tell me…tell me you did your one damn job.”


Look, Porkins. Professional Gilly Admirer isn’t an actual job, so you need to nut up and get your head in the game. Mormont barely keeps himself from kicking Porkins in chops as he tells the rest of the group that they better high-tail it back to the wall and get the message out. Or everyone they’ve ever loved will be dead. Thanks for nothing, SAMWELL.

Cut to: Theme Song and Moving Map of Westeros! Holy crow, do I love this part of the show. I can’t help it, I love models. We have some new things here, such as Winterfell burning (ahh!!) and across the Gulf of Grief, Astapor.

We’re back in the land of the ice and snow, where the hot chicks fight and dig on Jon Snow. (Ah AHH ahhhhhh AH!) Ygritte and the rest of the Wildlings lead Jon into their really crappy low rent tent city where Ygritte flirt-threats some more, Jon sees a Giant for the first time, and a pack of unruly boys throw rocks at him as he’s taken to meet Mance Rayder.

Cheer up, Emo Kid! Also, if you find yourself struggling with staying warm, I'm in Tent #3. [wink]!

Cheer up, Emo Kid! Also, if you find yourself struggling with staying warm later, Ygritte and me will be waiting in Tent #3. [wink]!

In the nicest of the crappy tents is the King of the Wildlings, with his beard the color of fire, and flame of anger in his eyes. Wait, nope, total fake out. This is Gjördkr the Chîcken Eåter, who has no love for Crows and can’t believe someone as puny and emo as Jon actually killed Quorin Halfhand.

Actual Mance Rayder comes out to greet Ned Stark’s Bastard (who in Westeros doesn’t know Jon is Ned’s bastard? Anyone?) and Jon barely comes to his chin.  Mance wants to know what the hell Jon’s doing there. “Um, to be free?” Riiiiight.  Kill him!

Wait, no, see, they went to Creepy Craster (the incestiest of the incesters) beyond the wall and Jon saw him take a baby boy and essentially feed it to a Wight Walker. And the Lord Commander knew Craster did that, which, gross. Jon just wants to fight with the living against the dead. (And I think he’s actually very angry and upset about it, still. Because Jon is good people.)

Right answer, consider yourself a member of the community, Jon. CLOAK HIM.

Back in King’s Landing, Bronn is getting his freak on with a congested prostitute when Pod (the kid who saved Tyrion Lannister in the battle of Blackwater) says to cut it out and hurry up to work.  Fiiiiiine. See, Tyrion is basically locked away in a storage closet because his family is the worst. Cersei has shown up with two guards; she just wants “to talk.”  Mm hm.

Things I love about Cersei: the absolute disregard for her guards—the expectation that they’ll do what she wants without having to say anything to them is amazing. This is a woman who is a Queen with a capital “off with their heads.”  She’s not giving that up without a fight.

She and Tyrion trade barbs. (She’s worried he’ll tell their father—who is back as Hand of the King—about the whole incest with Jamie, Joffrey is the result of that thing. I have a feeling Tywin won’t care.) She forgets—or doesn’t care—that Tyrion is actually the one responsible for the awesome Blackwater Wildfire show, and this family needs an intervention.

Bronn shows up outside without armor and is about to give the two guards a Glasgow kiss (because he ain’t bovvered, and he knows they ain’t no fighters, not like he is, wot?) when Cersei comes out and sweeps away, the guards toddling off behind her. Bronn accompanies Tyrion to his father, saying that things have changed and he now wants to be paid double.

“I don’t even know how much I pay you now!” Tyrion whines. Which is why Bronn knows he can afford double. Ha. I love Bronn.

Slowly dying on a rock is Davos Seaworth, and boy, do I like this guy too. Half his hand was blown away, his skin has been ripped apart by Wildfire, and he’s still kicking. There’s a ship in the distance and he manages to flag them down. With a tense moment of “we’ll save you if you tell us who the real king is,” Davos makes a life or death decision right there: Stannis is his King. Right answer. And that was freaking ballsy.

And it turns out the ship was owned by his pirate buddy, Salladhor! We get caught up on everything behind the scenes: Davos’ kid died, all the ships sank, Stannis is pouting back home in Dragonstone, and Melisandre (Fire Crotch Mage) is the only one who speaks to him. Everyone whom she doesn’t like, she says is a “servant of darkness” and has them burned to death. Wow, way harsh, Tai.

Davos hears this and says, “Right. Take me there, then. I’ll either talk Stannis out of listening to her, or I’ll kill her myself.” Salladhor is all, “Dead Man says what?”

Robb Stark leads his men to Harrenhal, where 200 Northmen lay dead. So…no mints on the pillows at this hotel. He wants to fight the Lannisters, but they keep retreating and killing people before the Stark Bannermen can do away with them. His mom Cate looks around, sees that the whole “let the Kingslayer Jamie Lannister go to save lives” things didn’t quite work the way she planned, and Robb has her stuck back in a cell. Robb has a point. They find one old man who didn’t die and tell him how lucky he is. Um.

I just wanna fight, GOSH.

I just wanna fight, GOSH.

Speaking of the Lannisters, it’s bring your halfling to work day as Tyrion watches his father fill out paperwork. Being the Hand isn’t all hookers and booze, Tyrion, something your father Tywin has been trying to tell you. Not that he actually cares for Tyrion’s edification or anything, he just really likes rubbing in how inferior his youngest son is.

What, so Tyrion thinks he deserves accolades for doing his job? Uh, you want a cookie for fighting a battle? Tywin never got cookies. So Tywin starts a game of “Never Have I Ever.” I never brought a whore home [Tyrion drinks], never boozed it up on the clock [Tyrion toasts and drinks], and oh right: I never killed my mother by being born. [Tyrion…drinks. And cries a little.]  Damn. That’s super awful, Dad.

You know what’s awful? Having a wife he loved, two awesome kids, and then this malformed demon kills said wife just by being born, he drinks on the job, cracks wise, and shames my name. That’s awful. Aww, Tyrion wants to be given the wealthiest castle in the land as a thank you for just doing his job? Nope. What he can do is get out of his father’s sight, that’s what he can do. So no Casterly Rock for Tyrion, but maybe a swift kick in the ass? And there better not be any more whores in beds, Tyrion.

Is Shae still a whore if she has a job other than whoring? Because Shae is evidently still Sansa’s handmaiden. The two of them are playing a little game of pass the time and not die (so far Sansa’s a total champ at it) when Lord Baelish and the One True Whore Roz show up. Baelish tells Sansa that he’s seen her mom and he’s going to try and help her out of King’s Landing, but she needs to be ready to go at a moment’s notice.

Meanwhile, Roz tries to befriend Shae. “So! We both work for the gentry, huh?  Couple of poor hookers like us? We really Pretty Woman‘d it, right? So…maybe don’t trust my guy with your girl. I had a thing for her brothers, so I kind of care?  Hooker with a heart of gold, I’M OUT!” She and Littlefinger leave.

TIME FOR DRAGONS! Aww, they’re not babies anymore, they’re toddlers!  Dany and Jorah are on a boat and it’s going fast and she’s got a fish-catching trio of flying dragons. (She’s the Queen of the world on her boat like Leo, so if you’re  on the shore, then you’re sure not she-oh!)



Jorah sex-growls at her that the dragons need to be bigger, they need more men, and the Dothraki are puking all over the deck. Well, Jorah, they’ve never left the desert or been on a ship, okay? They’re following her, so shut it. Jorah just looks at her and purrs all smutty, “Khaleesi,” and I spontaneously became pregnant. Jeez, dude, that voice.

Davos got a drop off at Dragonstone, it seems, and goes to catch up with Stannis. “Hey, remember how I almost died for you? And my son died for you? And I had advice you wouldn’t take? Remember…remember that?”

Stannis pouts and plays with his map as Melisandre slinks and slithers around the room, saying that they would have won, Davos, if he hadn’t convinced Stannis to leave her at home. Davos moves to attack her and is quickly overpowered. Melisandre is all, “You just got Yoko’d, son!” and says she might be the mother of demons, but he’s the son of a whore. SNAP! Well, mostly she just intimates that he’ll be burning up soon. So good luck with that!

Lady Margaery and Joffrey are being carried about in their separate litters (wow, worst date ever, Weaselteat) when Margaery decides to show how freaking smart she is. She hops out in Flea Bottom, dances and skips over a slop bucket’s…er, slop because she has hand maidens, they can clean her dress, tchuh, and goes to an orphanage to make an entire generation fall in love with her.

And now you'll all love me forever and I will be your Queen!

And now you’ll all love me forever and I will be your Queen!

All of the orphans (who are strangely the same age—that must have been a real sexy time seven years ago) ooh and ahh the pretty lady, who tells them how wonderful and marvelous their fathers were and gives them treats. This is the one real contender for Cersei we’ve seen. She’s good.

Weaselteat watches her from his litter (No, really. I cackled that he wouldn’t get out because he is SUCH a Weaselteat.) and then meets up with her and her brother Loras for dinner. Joffrey is literally the worst with his terrible flirting (“So I had them all killed for insubordination, ha ha! MEAD ME, SERVANT. Anyway, m’lady…”). He brags about her charitable work to Cersei who then proceeds to shame her son. “You know he wets the bed? Those are his sheets, hanging over there. Pees at the drop of a hat. Or the first sign of fear? Which is basically all the time. His halfling uncle beat the shit out of him, just because he could!”

Joffrey scowls and says, “Hey, mom. Remember how you’re stupid and awful and you made me a monster? Also, you’re so old.” BURN. Margaery shows off her courtly skills by turning the unpleasantness into something light and gay, while also showing Cersei she’s no one to be trifled with. I’m a fan, Margaery.

Off to Slave Island, Astapor! Dany and Jorah hear the story of how the slaves were turned heartless warrior through a series of hilariously insulting translations. “Tell this fool pig of a woman that they blah blah. Tell the piss-scented old man etc.” The slaves in particular are called the Unsullied (except they are? They’re completely sullied?) and can not only have a nipple cut off without batting an eye, they can stare unblinking in the sun for two days without food or water. So they’re hard core, is what we’re getting at.

They don't need nipples on their bodies - they have them on their shields.

They don’t need nipples on their bodies – they have them on their shields.

At first I thought I’d put my money on Dany actually speaking the native tongue and knowing all of the insults the slave owner threw her way, but when she and Jorah walked off to discuss things, she didn’t bring it up. She’s not too keen on being a slave owner (because Dany is the BEST OF US ALL, Khaleesi!) but Jorah points out that she’d actually take care of them. Because he loves her and thinks she is the moon of HIS heart and I love everything about his unrequited crush.

Sorry, I have a thing for Ser Jorah and his pining. Ahem.

Cue creepy urchin winking and playing peek-a-boo with Dany! Some dirty street waif titters and gives chase as a random Jedi Knight skulks behind them in his black cloak. The kid rolls a wooden ball at her and the Jedi strikes it out of Dany’s hand. The ball opens up and a beetle-scorpion with a death’s head moth glowing on its butt crawls out. The cloaked dude stabs it, then turns to chase the kid.

But the urchin—who clearly chewed on a ball point pen that exploded in her mouth—hisses and jumps off the pier. That was no child, that was an evil messenger from the Warlocks, oho! And that’s no Jedi Knight, that’s former Lord Commander of Robert Baratheon and…Lord Commander before Robert to the Targaryens, Barristan Selmy. And he is really sorry he didn’t save Dany’s daddy from the Kingslayer. And…sorry about going to work for the enemy.

But he’s making it right now, and wants to be on her Queen’s Guard (Um, that is Jorah’s job! As long as you don’t take away from him saying sexily, “Khaleesi!” I’m good with it, buddy.) and won’t fail her.

Girlfriend? He said that to your father, too. I’m just saying, keep on ya toes.

Next Week! My money is on intrigue. Also, Arya’s back! Jamie! Tonks! Jeez Louise, I am so damn excited the show is back. This was mostly a setting up the board episode, and there are a lot of pieces to the game, but IT IS BACK. I have dragons!  Click here for Ep 2

Note: I stuck to my guns and DID NOT READ THE BOOKS. I am completely unspoiled. I want to stay that way, so please: no spoilers here, cool? Cool.