Previously on Orphan Black: Sarah finds her twin. The twin dies. She finds another twin. She dies too. Maybe Sarah should stop finding twins? Maybe Sarah should start looking for answers? Maybe I should get a Big Mac? Mmmm, Big Mac.
We pick up right where we left off: Sarah has finally answered the pink cell phone. She pulls the car over and gets out, freaking. The woman on the other line thinks she’s talking to Beth and asks if she’s met ‘the German.’ Sarah looks at the bullet holes in her windshield and the blood and brains all over the backseat and blurts, “The German’s dead!” Sarah is not alright with this turn of events. The woman on the phone is all, holy shit it’s true that someone is killing us! She asks if Sarah got the briefcase. Then she tells Sarah to forget about it and get rid of the body. If I were Sarah I’d be like, whoa whoa whoa, back up to the killing us part but that’s just me I guess. Instead, they then start talking about buying a shovel and finding blood samples and damn, things have really gone straight to hell for Sarah.
It’s night. Sarah has a shovel and a bucket of cleaning supplies. She gets to work because she is nothing if not resourceful.
Everyone from the funeral is back at Felix’s, toasting Sarah. Vic the Dick is teary and chugging hard alcohol out of tiny mickeys. Felix is standing next to the painting of Sarah with a beer in his delicate hand and guyliner around his beautiful big eyes and he looks f-ing divine and wait do I see a penis painted on the front of Sarah’s painting? Yes. Yes I do.
More on that later, cause right now Vick the Dick is weepily talking about how it’s not like Sarah to kill herself, how he loved Sarah, how love is imperfection. Felix snips, “If that’s your definition, no wonder she jumped.” Vic attacks him and wraps his hands around Felix’s throat, daring him to say it’s his fault Sarah killed herself. Felix obliges as much as he can, as he is currently getting throttled, “…it’s…your…fau—” The funeral-goers drag Vic off, who is immediately contrite and offers Felix a hug. Felix grumpily turns him down. “I’m not a huggy griever, Vic.” This funeral is the best.
Sarah drags the body out of the car, gagging. She goes through Katja’s pockets, finding a hotel swipe key and some more I.D. She wonders out loud who Katja was and then unceremoniously plops her into the freshly dug grave. Bye! Then it’s off to a self-service car wash to power-wash the car inside and out. I’m just picturing her in the store before the car wash, perusing the cleaning products labels and thinking, oh sure, this gets out grass stains and spilled wine and blood but what about brain matter and general gore? Fuck it, I’ll just hose the whole car down instead. She also makes an appointment for first thing in the morning to replace the windshield and back window. There. One thing down. Only about ten million or so more to go.
Felix and Vic the Dick are the only ones left in the loft. It is very ,very late or very, very early, depending on how you party. Felix wants Vic to go but Vic wants one last drink and also wants to meet Sarah’s daughter. Felix is all, not a chance in hell, pointing out that Vic is a drug dealer (“I can help her out financially,” Vic says, like the charming idiot he is), not to mention that Sarah ran from him because he’s abusive. Vic wants to make up for that but instead Felix helps him to the door and shoves him out. Vic wants one last drunky-hug and Felix rolls his eyes, sliding his door shut. Hee.
Sarah arrives just in time to see Vic weaving at Felix’s door. Yikes! She does a swift 180 and slips around a corner.
Felix is examining the gross party mess in his bathroom when he hears his door open and he is hilariously exasperated. “VIC! I have a knife and I will stab you in the face!” LOLS! He marches out only to find Sarah there, staring at his art. “Shit.”
Sarah’s all, “What’s this??” Felix tells her it was her wake and it was agony. Sarcasm! Sarah’s more concerned over whether Kira thinks she’s dead but Felix isn’t sure, and she sure isn’t thrilled to hear Vic wants to meet Kira. Is Vic her Dada? Hmmm.
Felix notices a huge smear of blood on the side of Sarah’s neck. Ooops. I guess the power wand didn’t get it all off after all. Sarah reluctantly mentions the birth certificates and Felix immediately rattles off their names, Katja and Alison, because he is a genius and pays attention to detail. Sarah tells him she met the German and he logically comes to the conclusion that she was also a twin, wasn’t she? Sarah confirms this but doesn’t want to say any more. Instead she wants him to go see Mrs. S and tell her Sarah isn’t dead. She shows Felix the briefcase with the $75, 000 and says the three of them are gonna blow this popsicle stand and all this twin sister weirdness. Too bad the only thing in the briefcase is Detective Arthur Bell’s business card and the casework from Dead Beth’s civilian shooting. Sarah is truly surprised as she looks inside. Felix obviously knows her very well because he immediately starts to try to talk her out of going off but instead Sarah goes off. She starts trashing his art supplies, ignoring him as he calls her name until she reaches for a canvas. “WHOA! NO! Not that. I’m working on that!” She stops and they just sit down again and go through the case files. She says they have to get the money back and calls Art.
Art answers and says he’s just watching out for his partner, keeping her from trying to cross the boarder. “Meet me at Fung’s at noon,” he orders and hangs up. Sarah’s all, “Fungs…? What the hell’s Fungs?”
Sarah goes home and is completely startled when Paul walks into the kitchen and asks her where she was all night. Oh yeah…you. Paul, I’d never forget you existed. Sarah mumbles that she was, uh, uh…uh, at the station. Paul points out that she’s suspended and she’s all, yeah, so? Paul tells her, “First you screw me wild for the first time in months and then you don’t even call me to tell me that you’re out all night?” Whoa, Paul. Whoa. Then he hilariously asks Sarah why she’s suddenly dressing like a ‘punk rock ho’ and Sarah gets so pissed off she accidentally slips back into her British accent, “Say again?!”
They bicker a bit and Paul says he can see that the shooting is killing her but she stopped talking to him months ago. He’s worried about her mixing her meds, booze, and God knows what else. Geez Dead Beth, what a disaster you were. Paul announces he’s going back to ‘Cody’s’ for a while. The words are barely out of his mouth before Sarah happily blurts, “OK!” Paul looks choked so she quickly changes her expression to sad face. “Yeah…if that’s what you want.” He doesn’t buy it and leaves and she’s all, “Punk rock ho?” Sarah’s pretty funny in this episode.
Felix goes to visit their foster Mom, Mrs. S. Frankly, I wonder how great a foster mom she was since they still call her ‘Mrs. S.’ They have tea and Mrs S believes Felix’s fake story that Sarah had a fake funeral to fool Vic the Dick and get rid of him. Mrs. S. talks about how she lost so much, leaving London and her friends and family to make a fresh start here. She says she’d do it all again, the visits from the police, the missing person reports, the punches they threw, all again because Kira is a gift. She doesn’t think Sarah has a clue how much of a gift she is but Felix insists she’s trying her best. Kira peeks around the corner and she is pretty adorbs. Felix lights up and calls her ‘Monkey’ and invites her over. Kira asks when Mommy’s coming and Mrs. S says, “You know when, love.” Kira answers, “When she’s ready.” Mrs. S asks, “And?” and Kira adds, “When you say she’s ready.” Fair enough.
Sarah must’ve figured out where Fung’s is cause here she is, meeting up with Art. She tells him the money wasn’t some sort of payoff, it was the money in her and Paul’s joint account. She just freaked out is all. Art is suspicious and grabs her wrist, startling her. He hisses, “Are you wearing a wire?” and Sarah is a little frightened. She says no but he’s still angry and makes her go over the story. No problem cause Sarah’s gone over the case files with a fine-toothed comb and confidently recites what happened. Apparently the big problem is that after she shot the civilian she panicked and called Art before she called it in. Art put the cell phone in Maggie Chen’s hand to cover Dead Beth’s ‘tweeker ass.’ Harsh, Art. He tells her he’s keeping the money until she clears her name and is reinstated. Sarah is unhappy about that.
Back at Felix’s loft: Felix tell Sarah that Kira is okay and Sarah gives him a huge hug. It’s obvious how much they both really love Kira. Sarah tells him Art won’t give the money back yet but they’re interrupted by that damn pink cell phone. Seriously, that is the most annoying ringtone ever made. Time to switch it to Van Halen’s classic ‘Jump’. That would make all the secret phone calls that much more enjoyable. Felix wants Sarah to tell him exactly what’s going on and is shocked when she says that Dead Beth was investigating the twin situation and whatever it was that she found drove her nuts and she killed herself. After hearing that Felix doesn’t want her to answer the pink cell but Sarah can’t resist. She answers as Dead Beth.
The person on the cell is a bossy bosspants and wants to know if Sarah/Dead Beth got the briefcase. She didn’t, so the woman asks where the German was staying. Sarah pulls out the hotel swipe key she nicked from Katja. Looks like she’s going to the Carlsborough Hotel, room 303. The mystery woman hangs up and Felix looks at the birth certificates again and decides that she has to be Alison Hendrix, since the other two, Beth and Katja, are deadsville.
Sarah says this is still just a hustle and borrows a big stylish hat, a pair of giant movie star sunglasses and a short black fur jacket with leather sleeves from Felix. She puts them on with a flourish. “Katja Obinger!” she says in a sultry, German voice and Felix has to admit she looks kinda hot.
Sarah walks to the hotel, practicing a German accent as she goes. It’s pretty funny cause she just keeps saying, “Nein! Nein!” They’re playing “These Boots Were Made For Walking” in German by Eileen and it rocks. The gentleman working the front desk sees her coming and repeatedly calls out, “Miss Obinger! Miss Obinger!” but she ducks her head and goes to the elevator. Front desk guy exchanges a look with security.
Up in room 303 things are not going so well. The place is a mess. Obviously someone’s gotten there before her. The hotel phone starts ringing and Sarah gets even more nervous. She goes through the open suitcase and the bed but comes up empty—no briefcase. A knock on the door reveals Avery from the front desk and the security guy, asking her to come downstairs, please.
At the front desk they explain that there was a noise complaint from her room, which led to a security check. The security guy is shocked that her room was trashed. Shocked! Sarah says, “…rock and roll” in a bored voice as an explanation. Security guy is still mad. The bill comes to over $6,000 in damages. She plays it cool, waving her hand and saying airily, “So? You have my card on file, yah?” and pulls out the little envelope that held her room swipe key. There’s also a small slip of paper in there. Oh-ho. “And my briefcase.” Success!
Security guy goes to get the briefcase while Avery runs the card number through the computer. It accepts payment and she takes her briefcase and leaves, cool as a cucumber. It’s like taking kandis from a kleinkind, yah?
Sarah drives to the top of a parkade, gets out, and starts smashing the crap out of the briefcase against the cement wall. Tatiana Maslany totally cut her knuckles for real doing that. Oops. It doesn’t work so she ends up prying the locks open. Inside are all sorts of things: blood samples, hair samples, copies of I.D.s from all over the world-and they all look like Sarah. She finds a piece of paper with the address of the twin she suspects is calling her on the pink cell phone. Alison Hendricks, and she lives in Scarborough. Oh, and guess who calls just then? Alison. It’s Alison.
Sarah answers as Beth and when Alison asks if she has the briefcase. Sarah decides to stop being Beth and pretends to pass the phone over to herself, answering as Sarah. Alison doesn’t like this one bit and says, “Just one, I’m a few, no family too. Who am I?” OH. WAIT. That’s what German Katja said in the car right before she got shot. I couldn’t make it out clearly. Speak up next time, Mumbly Joe. Twin secret riddles mean nothing to Sarah and she lets her know. She asks Alison if she wants her to bring her the briefcase but Alison hangs up.
No biggie, Sarah just drives right over to her house in Scarborough just as a van is backing out of the garage. She trails the van to a field and can’t believe it when she sees Alison is a soccer mom with two kids. And, oh yeah, she looks just like Sarah. And Beth. And Katja. Sarah spies for a bit and when Alison gets a phone call on HER pink cell (same annoying ringtone btw) she goes into the clubhouse. Sarah follows. Alison is startled to see her and is pretty mean and threatening from the start, calling Sarah an idiot because she obviously doesn’t know anything. She is not thrilled to hear that Beth killed herself either. Alison refuses to tell Sarah anything and tells her to get out, wait for a call, and also stay out of her neighborhood. Oh, and hide your ugly face when you leave. Sarah’s all, what a bitch.
Sarah gets a call from Art. She must be getting pretty tired of answering calls on Beth’s cell cause it’s always something bad. Art tells her the newest crap: the shrink is ruling Beth unfit for duty, which means no hearing tomorrow. Art reminds Sarah he’s keeping the money until this is over. Sarah is determined to get reinstated and get that stupid money and get out of town with Kira and my boyfriend Felix. She tells Art to get her into another appointment with the shrink no matter what, right now.
In the doctor’s office Sarah shines. The shrink stands firm on her analysis, reading Sarah’s words from the last episode back to her: “I’m missing myself, I glitched…a break or something.” Sarah gets tough. She makes the shrink read it back again and basically threatens her by reading a list of her own, a list of all the meds the shrink prescribed to Dead Beth. It’s an impressive list and it’s obvious the shrink would be in deep shite for giving her all of these since they’d be dangerous to mix together. The doctor sees the writing on the wall and guess who’s fit for duty? Sarah. It’s Sarah.
Sarah leaves the hearing and gets a call from Alison telling her to come visit tonight. Excellent! Sarah is pleased that it’s all coming together and tells Art she nailed it in the hearing but he still won’t give her the money till she’s back at work. Maybe he should be called Art the Dick too, but it doesn’t have the same ring to it now does it?
Sarah brings Felix to Alison’s place as back-up despite Felix insisting he doesn’t even know what back-up is. He’s also not thrilled to find out she’s not visiting the German like he thought cause, well, the German’s dead. This is another twin and she’s a coupon-clipping uptight bitch. Felix waits in the car and moans that he’s getting stress acne from it all.
Alison lets Sarah in, and she’s holding a gun. If Sarah wakes the kids or shows her face Alison’s gonna shoot her. Sarah tells Alison she’s a crappy twin, which makes Alison scoff, “You really have no idea, do you?” And guess who walks out? Yeah, it’s another twin.
She introduces herself as Kasima and says they spoke on the phone. Sarah gasps, “How many of us are there?” and I guess she finally figured out they aren’t twins after all. Is there an Octo-mom?!?!