Orphan Black 1.04 – Effects of External Conditions


Previously: I repeatedly call one of the clones ‘Kasima’ when it’s actually ‘Cosima’. Well. That’s just GREAT. Also, clones, rebar in the side of clones, killer clones that hate the other clones and, oh yeah, clones.



The killer clone is still in the bathroom, hazily cleaning her wound. There is blood everywhere.  The clone sews her wound and mutters to herself, “I’m not Beth. I’m not Beth.”  The camera work is shaky and blurry and she keeps dropping blood-soaked cloths on the bloody floor and the music is all creepy and seriously, did I have a stroke and started watching American Horror Story by accident?

A little boy wakes up and comes downstairs. He steps in a big pile of blood and, like all idiot children do, pushes open the bathroom door to see what’s up. Kids are so dumb. Killer clone turns around and puts her finger to her lips, shhhhh. She smiles and reaches out her gloved hand. He takes it, not at all thinking to yell for help because there is a blood covered crazy woman in his bathroom. C’mon, kid! Use your noggin!

This is the face of someone trustworthy

This is the face of someone trustworthy and not at all insane

Meanwhile, Sarah meets up with Alison to update her on the evil clone that wants to kill them all. Alison is scared for her family but calms down a little when Sarah hands over the money Alison contributed. Sarah’s not planning to steal it anymore; she’s on board to help. After all, Sarah has a family to protect too. Alison’s surprised to find out Sarah has a biological daughter as Alison’s two are adopted. I wonder if that will be important later on in the series.

Afterwards, Sarah and Felix Skype with Cosima. Cosima has the picture of the killer clone’s knife that Sarah sent her and is all excited over the ancient handle. It has a design of a fish and wings on it. She wants Sarah to find the killer clone in hopes of getting answers. Ha, that sounds safe. Felix says Sarah is crazy to even consider that, which makes Cosima start in on ‘nature vs. nurture’ again. It seems to be important, what with all the clones and such.

Sarah gets a police text. There’s a lead! Yay!

Alison sends her kids off to spend the day with their Grandparents and to stay for a sleepover. Her husband tries to grill her over it but spunky Alison turns the tables on him and he leaves with his tail between his legs. Heh. She sits in her beautiful laundry room-seriously, it’s nicer than my bedroom-with her gun and pink cell on the table next to her. She is on standby for Sarah.

Sarah and the police are at a house. The stolen motorcycle is abandoned in front of the house with a trail of blood leading into it. They look at the blood-covered bathroom. There’s no fingerprints but, oh good, they have an eyewitness in the living room. Sarah tries to get Art to take that one but he tells her to come in too.

The eyewitness turns out to be the little boy so I guess this is a lesson to all kids: always investigate when you step into a pool of blood in the middle of the night. It’ll be fine. Sarah lurks in the background, trying to keep her body turned away as much as she can without looking weird about it.

The boy says the person in his bathroom was an ‘angry angel’ and when Art asks him what he looks like, the boy points to Sarah. Art’s surprised and thinks the kid means that the person in his bathroom was a woman.  Oh, Art.

Sarah asks to talk to the kid and the others leave them alone for a moment. The boy is scared so Sarah reassures him that she’s not the angry angel. He nods and says the angel told him Sarah would come. He holds up a paper fortune teller game and tells her to pick a colour. Sarah picks red: R-E-D and he opens it up to reveal this:

This is EXACTLY like the ones I used to make as a little girl! "How are you going to die...? Ooooh,head blown off YAY!"

This is EXACTLY like the ones I used to make as a little girl! “How are you going to die…? Ooooh, head blown off YAY!”

He tells her to pick one of the death pictures and she points to the bullet to the head. He starts to open it to reveal the inside is all blood. Lots of smeary blood and numbers written on each corner. I wonder what evil clone is trying to say? It doesn’t seem friendly.

Sarah asks if she can keep the fortune teller, trying to pocket it before anyone notices but Art asks what she’s has there. She hands it over to Art and they bag it. Too slow this time, Sarah!

Outside the house, Sarah calls Mrs. S to double-check that they’re still on for her to visit tonight. They show Kira happily painting a picture as Mrs. S says yes, but if she lets Kira down and doesn’t show then she’ll never let her see her again. Sarah says she’ll be there and gets in her car. The camera pans around to show Kira’s picture…um…creepy.

Blood seems to be prominent in this episode. Hmmm

Blood seems to be a prominent theme in this episode. Hmmm

At the station, the team all has their own copy of the paper fortune teller as they’re being told about the killer’s profile. Seems killer clone is a religious fanatic. They look at the pictures of stick figure drawing she did on her wall, the doll’s head she left impaled on a branch, the paper fortune teller and says there’s probably extreme childhood abuse. Judging from the killer clone’s destroyed and scarred back I’d say that’s about right.

They decide she’s cautious but loves to play games. All good stuff, except that Sarah knows the stick figures are the clones, the doll head was a clone, and the paper fortune teller was telling her how the clones will die by her hand. Sucks to be the only person who knows something and yet nothing, eh Sarah? A cop interrupts the team to let Sarah know she has a phone call.

It’s the killer clone. Yoinks. Sarah asks her why she didn’t kill her and the clone tells her they have a connection. The clone wants to meet and also wants her real name. Sarah counters that she wants hers. It’s Helena. Sarah asks, “And your last name?” and gets out her pen and paper. You can almost feel Helena rolling her eyes over the phone. How long can you keep pretending you’re a cop without being found out, she asks Sarah? She says they’re both the same person, both the victim and the cop. She’s basically threatening to expose Sarah and tells her to meet with her tonight to discuss. Helena tells her she already gave her directions and right at that moment Art and the gang burst into the room, saying the numbers on the paper fortune teller are GPS addresses. They go to check it out, but send emergency tactical to sweep the area first. Off they go to the apartment.

A homeless woman watches as they get into their car and drive away. She stands up and flips off her coat like a boss. It’s Helena, with a knit cap covering her wild blond curls.

Helena walks into the police satiation. She looks like death warmed over and when Raj sees her he asks, “Whoa Beth! Rough night?” She just stares so he takes the hint and carries on. Helena’s bleeding through her bandages and buttons her suit jacket to cover it. She wanders over to the analysis board with all the pictures and clues regarding her case and thoughtfully studies it, smiling a little.

She then finds Beth’s desk and gingerly sits down. Oooh, a muffin! She eats it. Sucks to be you, Sarah. I hope you weren’t looking forward to that muffin when you got back. This clone really IS evil!

Helena snoops as she eats, looking at the picture of Beth and Paul just as the phone rings. Speak of the devil! It’s Paul himself! He asks how she’s doing and she touches the picture of as she moans, “Mmmmm, not too good. I got beat up. Please come get me outta here” and hangs up. Paul may be the best kisser but he’s obviously not the best listener because he doesn’t even notice her accent. Oh, Paul. Maybe he thinks she’s just talking funny on account of the beating.

And now for the best scene of the episode: Felix is painting a picture of Cosima, and he’s convinced her breasts are bigger than Sarah’s. He mentions it when Sarah calls him from one of the GPS addresses on the paper fortune teller. It’s Helena’s place and it’s full of tasty clues. Sarah-as-Beth isn’t going anywhere tonight, which means she’s going to miss her visit with Kira. Not good, Mrs. S will cut her off forever, Felix points out. Sarah doesn’t want to risk it as she could lead Helena right to Kira. However, she does have an idea: why not get Alison to impersonate Sarah? Felix thinks this is the stupidest idea ever and angrily flings his paintbrush across the room, revealing that he’s wearing his painting apron…and nothing else.


Gotta protect the junk

Sarah and Art get back to the station where Raj comments on Sarah’s quick change. Sarah has no idea what he’s going on about. Art looks over at their analysis cork board and is pissed off that someone in the office is having fun with them: the pictures of Katja’s severed limbs, the doll head, the bloody sink Helena cleaned up in, the sniper rifle, all are rearranged to make a body. More creepy music.

At her desk, Sarah notices her muffin’s eaten. Bitch! Oh, and someone scratched out Paul’s eyes and put a picture of Maggie Chen over him in the frame. Remember? Maggie Chen was the civilian Beth shot and Art helped cover her ass afterwards. Why would Helena do that or even know who Maggie Chen was? And seriously, doesn’t anyone lock their drawers when they leave their desk?

Sarah opens the Maggie Chen case file again and goes through it one more time.

Felix goes to Alison’s to prep her for being Sarah. Alison doesn’t want to do it but Felix puts and end to that straight away. Fine, no problem, Alison did play Annelle in Steel Magnolias at the Glendale Community Theatre. Felix roles his eyes at the ‘terrible casting’ but Alison says she got great reviews. She then starts reciting, “The rhine in spine falls minely on the pline” and Felix just about dies.

Felix: Okay…Eliza. Holy shit. We need to pull a full reverse Pygmalion here.

Alison practices her accent as Felix goes through her clothes. He’s frustrated because they’re all too nice. Alison, in a bad Sarah accent, says, “Sorry, mate, but I don’t do second-hand” and Felix sighs. It’s more like “might” instead of “mate” and she keeps trying. He tells her she has to be more ‘punk’ so she barks out, “OI!” Felix looks about ready to jump out the window in dismay.

Sarah is still checking out the Maggie Chen file. Guess who has a scar-like tattoo in the shape of a fish/wing thing like the knife handle Helena dropped? Maggie. It’s Maggie Chen. Well. How very interesting. Seems like the civilian shooting wasn’t the random accident Beth led everyone to believe it was. Just as Sarah takes a picture of it with her phone she gets a call: she has a visitor. She looks up and it’s Paul. She’s not as thrilled to see him as I am.

Paul’s super worried about her and tries to get her to leave with him. Sarah tries to tell him she has to stay but he’s insistent. Art suddenly pushes his way into the middle of it all and the two guys start arguing in a macho overbearing manner. There’s a definite jealous vibe going on and then they do this stare down of epic proportions:



Sarah takes beautiful Paul outside to talk and totally figures out that Helena told him to come AND she was the one who ate her muffin. BITCH. Paul is a broken record and wants to talk about their relationship soon. Sarah cannot resist the pull of his lips and leans in for a kiss. As Paul leaves a blue car pulls up for him, which she totally doesn’t see. Not sure if that’s relevant but it seemed odd to me. Who’s in the car?

Back inside, Art grills Sarah about Paul. He thought they were calling it quits and Sarah tells him they were but are now trying to work it out. Art shrugs it off like he’s over it and goes off to do man stuff.

Helena calls again about meeting up. She’s cutting herself with a razor as she talks to Sarah so I guess she did some of the marks on her back. She sends Sarah an email. It’s an address. It’s also a video of Helena, sitting at Beth’s desk, confessing as Beth to purposely shooting Maggie Chen. Sarah’s all, shiiiiit, and tries to turn down the volume on her computer. Hah!

Felix and Alison go to Mrs. S’s. As they walk up to the house, Felix hisses, “Less slouching! Less slouching!” but Alison just tells him to shut up, sounding pretty good as Sarah. Felix smiles.

Art is talking about the case with Angela, the detective that found the doll head with him. He’s getting suspicious of Sarah/Beth. He suddenly finds it odd that Beth mistook the killer for a man. Angela wonders if maybe Beth/Sarah came back too soon after the civilian shooting. They wonder where Beth/Sarah is and Art starts snooping around her desk. He opens her drawer to find the picture of Beth and Paul with Paul’s eyes scratched out. He puts it down, disturbed. Probably disappointed he can’t do that to Paul in real life.

Art finds a blank notepad. There’s a clear indent showing what was written on the page that was torn off: Maggie Chen’s address. SARAH. LOCK YOUR DRAWERS. AND YOUR MUFFINS.

Art takes off to see what Sarah’s up to.

Sarah’s in a seedy apartment building. She’s off to meet Helena. Nervous and frightened, she makes a voice recording for Art on Beth’s phone in case she dies, telling him her true name and that he’s the only one she can trust to find out the truth once she’s gone.

Mrs. S falls completely for Alison’s act and leads Kira out for her visit with her Mummy. Looks like Glendale Community Theatre has produced another star! Kira seems shy but hands over her creepy painting when Alison asks to see it. Mrs. S and Felix leave the room to give them some alone time and Kira promptly calls Alison out as not her mother. Looks like I spoke too soon about Glendale Community Theatre.

Alison smiles and tries to cover, saying of course she is. Kira outsmarts her by asking what she calls her. Alison sweetly tells her, “Monkey.”

“What else?” Kira asks.

“Monkey…bum…face…” Alison trails off, defeated.

Well. Looks like Kira is smarter than the average bear. Or at least Paul.

Alison gives up and tells Kira the truth. Her mom is doing something very brave, and couldn’t be here because she didn’t want Kira to be in danger. Alison is actually really good with kids.

Sarah is scared as she walks up to the door of Maggie Chen’s apartment. Inside is our favourite evil clone, posing with her arms in the air like any self-respecting religious fanatic would.

*insert angelic singing sounds here*

*insert angelic singing sounds here*

Sarah points her gun at her and orders her to kneel. Helena turns slowly and tells her, “You’re different than the others.” Sarah agrees and jabs her in the wound. Helena collapses and kneels, telling her, “I think I’m dying.”

Sarah’s okay with that. She pulls up a chair and sits down, telling Helena, “Yeah? I think I’ll watch.” Sarah asks her where she’s from and Helena devoutly says, “God sent me.” Coo-coo.

Sarah asks about Maggie Chen and is told that Maggie helped make Sarah but then came to ‘their side’. Helena furiously says the others are poor copies of God’s image of human beings. She thinks the two of them have a connection. She wants to save Sarah.

The door buzzer sounds. It’s Art, downstairs. He doesn’t wait for Sarah to buzz him in and darts through the door when another resident leaves. Rude!

The clones look at each other in a panic. Sarah keeps her gun pointed and tells Helena that she’s wrong, what the others told her was a lie. She honestly hates how abused and brainwashed Helena’s been. Helena slowly comes forward until her forehead is on the gun muzzle. “Can you feel it?” she whispers, shaking. Helena is not feeling so hot right now.

Art bangs on the door, calling Beth’s name. Sarah makes a decision and shoves Helena towards the open window, telling her to go. Helena is shocked and pauses in the windowsill. “You do feel it,” she gasps, and takes off.

Art bursts in, demanding to know why Sarah’s in Maggie Chen’s apartment. Sarah just looks nervous and shrugs. Hahahaha.

Back at the visit, Kira is curious how she has an Auntie Alison when her Mum doesn’t have sisters or even a Mum herself. Alison asks her to keep this all a secret but before she can get an answer Mrs. S and Felix walk up. It’s Kira’s bedtime. Alison casually holds up her pinky finger for a pinky swear and Kira gives it. “Bye Mummy,” she says, looking Alison straight in the eye. Kira rocks.

Alison thanks Mrs. S for everything, saying Kira is well because of her. This maturity impresses Mrs. S and she says she’d like to do this again, as long as they take it slow. Alison says she’ll walk Kira home from school tomorrow, promising to bring her straight home. As they leave, Felix congratulates her but Alison confesses that Kira knew right away. Clever little Monkey…bum…face!

Sarah calls a meeting with Art and Lieutenant Gavin. Art wants to grill her on why she was in Maggie Chen’s apartment but Sarah brushes it off, saying it just happened and she found herself there while walking to clear her mind. She then drops the bomb on them: she’s quitting. Her head is not in this. Art’s a dick about it, demanding, “After all we’ve done for you?” He wants to know why she’s bailing on them.

Lieutenant Gavin tells her that quitting isn’t the answer. Sarah puts her badge down and walks out. She might as well have dropped the mic too. BOOM. PEACE, BITCHES.

A stumbling, filthy, bloody Helena is running down a dark alley where a non-descript white van is parked. She’s gagging in pain and can’t make it. She collapses to the cold, wet cement, barely alive. The van drives up and a man in a trench coat and brimmed hat gets out.

He picks her up and carries her into the van. They drive off.

OOOOOOoooooooh. Shit just got real.


Dude. Would it kill you to pull up and meet her halfway?

Dude. Would it kill you to pull up and meet her halfway?