Previously: Vic got his pinky cut off. Alison was awesome and tased Vic. Cosima met a hot Frenchie. Sarah was medically examined in her sleep. Hot Paul broke all our hearts.
GUYS. Guys. Orphan Black has been renewed for another season! I was so worried that this would be another show to get ignored and dropped so I am super pumped. Yay! To celebrate I put this recap up a day late. Ok, ok, I got tied up with out of town friends and work issues on my day off. Sorry. Please forgive?
Alison wakes up and immediately goes to watch the spy cam footage. Sleep sleep sleep, until four AM when Donnie gets out of bed and stands over her, checking to make sure she’s asleep. It looks kinda sinister. I mean, anyone that’s watched Paranormal Activities would know this. Donnie leaves the room. Alison is terrified and keeps fast forwarding the tape but it just shows her sleeping alone for another two hours and that’s all it shows. The memory card is full. Damn! Where did Donnie go??
Donnie is in the kitchen, freaking out about the dishwasher not being clean. It sounds like there’s some sort of party planned today and they aren’t prepared. Alison confronts him as he loads the dishes, asking him where he went in the middle of the night. He nastily replies, “I don’t know, Never-Never Land?” and wow, such a dick. Donnie the Dick could work. Vic better step up his game.
Alison keeps trying to get him to talk to her but he’s zipping around the kitchen, still worried about the party planning. He starts putting on his coat and boots, telling her they don’t have time for this. He’s going to pick up the stuff she was supposed to get. When Alison points out she’s trying to have a conversation with him he gets really snide: “And oh what a joy it is. But don’t worry, honey, I’m sure we’ll talk about this later. It’s all good…” Alison clocks him with a golf driver right across the face. Donnie goes down. Hard.
Sarah and Paul are sitting in the kitchen, still talking. I guess they talked all night. Hot Paul says that he got into trouble after the military and was being forced into doing what he does, whatever that is, it’s still not clear but whatever, Hot Paul is hot. Paul points out that he had no choice but Sarah, on the other hand, she chose to step into Beth’s life and screw him right on the kitchen counter. Wow, Paul’s really fixated on that. Me too Paul, me too. Rowr.
Paul says this is very serious and they need to be honest with each other. Sarah agrees but she’s more concerned with the medical tests they performed on her. What will they do with the results? All Paul knows is that the results go to Olivier.
Sarah responds by standing up and taking off her shirt. She says she wants to shower and walks over to the bathroom to turn on the water. Paul is worried about her and what she’s not telling him. Sarah walks into the bedroom as Paul’s still talking. He follows but Sarah’s gone out the window. Hahaha Paul you dumbass.
Sarah calls Cosima from Beth’s car. She just had to get away and has no idea where she’s going. She tells her that she was right about Paul, he has no idea he’s watching clones. Cosima says she may have an issue herself: someone’s trying to get close to her and what if that’s her Monitor? Sarah tells her to keep her focus on school and science which annoys Cosima cause why does Sarah get to have hot shower sex with Hot Paul and Cosima has to study instead of playing sexy baguette games with the French student?
Sarah has to go, Alison is on the other line, and she needs Sarah right now. Sarah tells her she’s on her way. Whew! Alison puts a hockey helmet on the still-uncounscious Donnie and starts pushing him by his feet down the stairs to the basement. He’s too heavy for her and slips out of her hands, sliding down the stairs to land in a crumpled heap. Suck it, Donnie.
Hot Paul is turning into Ominous Paul. He’s still in Beth’s apartment, tracking Sarah on his computer. I’m an idiot cause I was all, “How can he do that? Did they put a tracking chip in Sarah when they examined her? They had one in Beth? No, cause then they’d know she was dead…” and my daughter and her boyfriend both explained the tracking device was on Beth’s car. MORON. Ominous Paul watches the red blip go down a map street and says, “Where are you off to, Sarah?” as he ominously eats a piece of toast.
Donnie starts waking up. He’s taped to a chair in Alison’s meticulously organized craft room. Alison wants to know what was in the box but Donnie just wants out. Alison picks up some scissors and clicks them threateningly, then switches to her hot glue gun instead. When Donnie keeps avoiding her questions about the box she drops a glob of burning hot glue right on his stupid chest. Alison covers her mouth and backs away, watching as Donnie screams in pain. However, she recovers quickly and begins accusing him of spying on her, performing medical experiments on her as she sleeps and switching the files in his box for porno. “Big! Boob! Blowies!” she screams, slapping him hard with each word. Alison has completely lost it on Donnie. She pours some more hot glue on his chest and can I just say that I’ve spilled hot glue gun glue on myself and it friggin’ hurts. Alison rocks.
Back on campus at the University of Minnesota, Cosima is studying in the library. Of course the hot Frenchie Delphine is there too. Cosima gives in to temptation and walks over to her. Flirting happens! I mean, of course it does, Cosima is way too cute for words. Delphine invites her to a lecture called ‘Neolution Now!’ Cosima says it’s kinds fringe but Delphine talks her into attending it with her.
Ominous Paul is leaving a message for Sarah on his cell as he crushes up some of Beth’s meds into a bottle of what looks like whiskey. He’s wearing gloves as he does it so it’s even more sinister. Paul says he understands why she took off but wants to make sure they’re still a-ok so let’s talk about this tonight! He gently places the bottle back in the cupboard and pushes it exactly where it was before. That doesn’t seem suspicious.
Alison’s still interrogating Donnie. He claims he doesn’t examine her in his sleep. She wants to know if she’s sick, “like the German”. Donnie has no idea what she’s talking about. Alison’s about to pour more glue on him when Sarah knocks on the door. Donnie gets a slight reprieve as Alison blindfolds, gags and puts earphones on him so he can’t hear. She brings Sarah in to see what’s going on and this might be the best screencap ever:
Sarah’s mortified but there’s no time to talk because ding-dong! Someone’s upstairs and they’ve let themselves in. Alison runs up and it’s not just someone, it’s a ton of someones and they’re all carrying food. Alison completely forgot about the monthly potluck! She tells her friend Aynesley that she wants to change venues but her so-called friend tells her it’s too late, so ‘take some happy pills’ and get dressed. Alison stands there in her prim little pink plaid jammies and thinks. Some dickwad in the background titters, “Is it a pajama party?” I hate that person.
Alison puts a sign up across the steps to the basement: Off Limits. It’s in fancy script with curly-qs and she’s tying it with ribbons because she’s Alison. Aynesley and another neighbourhood mom come over to complain that nothing’s ready and the kids want chips. Instead of telling them to go f-ck themselves, Alison says she’ll get some from the pantry. The women press to know what’s going on downstairs so she lies and says it’s being renovated. She runs into the basement, gets dressed, tosses back some pills and wine, and tells Sarah to interrogate Donnie as Alison. Sarah wants no piece of that but Alison insists. Alison played Sarah for her daughter and now it’s time for Sarah to return the favour. She gives Sarah some clothes, worrying about the fact that they don’t have a ice or a bartender since Donnie’s tied up. HAHAHA I MAKE JOKE.
Who better to cover for Donnie as bartender than Felix? Sarah calls him and tells him to get down here and don’t forget the ice. Felix is finished with his ‘friend’ Teddy so he’s on his way. Teddy pays up and they happily smile at each other.
Alison is still drinking wine and burning sausage rolls. The neighbourhood women are confused by this strange behaviour, plus they’re catty, murmuring how Alison’s already drunk. Alison takes the blackened rolls and starts serving them to the crowd, bumping into stuff. The happy pills are not mixing well with the wine.
Ominous Paul having a walk and a talk with Olivier. He’s telling all sorts of lies, saying ‘Beth’ is back at her dark place and he stopped her from OD-ing last night. Olivier reminds him not to interfere unless it’s critical. Paul wants to be sure that he won’t be blamed if she tries it again and he can’t stop her and omg I just figured out why he was grinding pills into that whiskey! PAUL. HOW COULD YOU. Olivier says Paul’s done well. As long as the subject makes her own choices there are no wrong decisions. Paul walks away.
Sarah, now dressed like Alison with a big headband hiding her lack of bangs, goes to talk to Donnie. He’s looking pretty rough all tied up, with angry burns and glue on his chest. He’s still wearing Alison’s pink sleep mask and Alison leaves the blindfold on as she talks to him, just in case he figures out she’s not Alison. Sarah asks him questions but Donnie doesn’t know anything. It turns out he got up at four AM to watch cricket. He gets angrier and angrier, wondering if nothing in his life will be left unexamined and when he hears the people upstairs he furiously tells ‘Alison’ to get her “frazzled, PMS shit together”. Sarah gets mad at the way he’s talking to ‘Alison’. She furiously flips up the sleep mask and tells Donnie to watch his tone, his wife is the rock of the family! She demands that he stop talking down to her. Donnie agrees and backs down, a bit scared. Yeah Donnie, stop being an a-hole.
Cosima and Delphine are at the lecture. It’s super fancy with nifty graphics and music and sound effects. The professor’s name is Dr. Aldous Leekie, played by the talented Matt Frewer but I will always think of him as Max Headroom! Dr. Leekie talks about all sorts of wild things about ‘evolutionary choice’. It’s all very performance art-y. He picks Cosima out to ask her questions and she charms him with her saucy answers.
Vic is back and he’s breaking into Felix’s place. I guess it doesn’t matter if Felix locks his door cause Vic has bolt cutters. Who locks their door with a small padlock? Felix, you goose. Vic sees that Felix looked up Alison’s address on his computer using a not-Google map site. Vic wonders what Felix is up to.
What he’s up to is cabbing it down to Alison’s and dressing like his version of a suburbanite, I guess. Sarah has a good laugh when she sees him and his slicked down hair, a button-down, a sweater and a jacket with a pocket square.
In the party, Alison is pretty messed up. She’s still drinking wine and giggling at nothing. The nasty mom from before marches up with a cheese tray, demanding more crackers. Wow, what a bitch. Alison sarcastically tells her to check the cracker cupboard. Aynesley intervenes, shooing the bitchy mom away and asking why Donnie isn’t here helping. Alison steals my joke and sighs that he’s “tied up.” HAHA WE MAKE SAME JOKE. She’s just about to have a complete meltdown when Felix slides into the room with a bag of ice, announcing that the bartender is here and he needs a little meeting with the hostess. I need Felix in my life for just these situations.
In the basement, Felix helps Alison to the couch. Alison keeps sipping her wine. She knows she screwed up and that Donnie isn’t her Monitor after all. It just felt so good when she hit him with the golf driver! Felix goes back upstairs to smooth things over and keep the party running because Felix is the best. Sarah and Alison talk about Donnie. Sarah says that Paul is a professional and Alison’s known Donnie since high school, so he can’t be her Monitor. Alison calls him her ‘eating, farting Donnie’ in a sad little voice. Depressed, she sighs that her Monitor is probably one of the bitches upstairs. Poor Alison, she really has no friends except Sarah and Cosima. She passes out and snores, must to Sarah’s dismay.
Outside Alison’s house, even more people are piling in for this stupid potluck. Geeze, how big is this neighbourhood? Ominous Paul is sitting in his car outside the house. The show plays a huge ominous musical chord when they show him, and it make me laugh. STOP BEING OMINOUS, PAUL!
After the lecture Cosima and Delphine are having a glass of wine in the lecture hall. Delphine is all wide eyed and desperate to meet Dr. Leekie. She goes over to talk to him and gestures to Cosima to join them. Dr. Leekie immediately takes a huge shine to her. He gives her his card and bids them adieu. Delphine loves how Cosima impressed him. Cosima filches two bottles of wine from the after lecture meet and greet and drags Delphine away for girl time.
Alison’s house is seriously packed with families. THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE. Sarah comes upstairs in an attempt to make everyone think Alison’s still around. She finds Felix pouring wine into the punchbowl because he knows alcohol solves most problems. Felix whispers that he thinks Alison’s neighbour from across the street Aynesley is her Monitor. Aynesley and her husband Chad come over to chat. Chad’s been making suggestive comments to Alison all day and grabs her, but this time it’s Sarah, and she doesn’t react well to him touching her ass. Aynesley wearily tells Chad that no one thinks that’s funny so obviously Chad does this all the time. Chad grins like an idiot and backs out of the room, completely unapologetic. What a douche.
Aynesley wants to know how Alison and Felix know each other. They hum and haw for a second until Felix says he’s her acting coach. Hee!
Cosima and Delphine have successfully escaped being caught stealing the wine. They run outside, giggling over their thievery. Delphine says that after jogging she likes to smoke and offers Cosima one but Cosima says she only smokes pot. She promises to get Delphine super baked one day. Cosima, you naughty thing. Delphine agrees. She’s glad to have made a friend in Cosima and gives her the double cheek kiss before leaving. Cosima is falling hard.
Sarah pops downstairs to check on Alison, who’s snoring away on the couch. Donnie’s still tied to the chair in the craft room. Sarah gives him a drink of water and tells him she can’t untie him until the party’s over. Donnie says, “But…I bought mulled wine” in a hilarious pathetic voice. Sarah tells him to think about something while he’s down here. Think about the family, the house, the nice life they have. He doesn’t want to lose that, does he? Donnie shakes his head no.
Hey, guess who shows up at the party? It’s Vic the Dick and he’s standing next to Felix. Felix calls Sarah to tell her and Vic grabs the phone, saying she better get over here now or he’s going to make trouble. Sarah tells Vic to meet her in the upstairs bedroom and runs up the stairs to put another Vic fire out.
Hey, guess who else is here? It’s Ominous Paul, who sneaks in through the basement. He sees Alison’s family picture and hears her snoring on the couch. At first he thinks she’s Beth, but no scar. He asks if she’s Sarah and Alison drunkenly mumbles that her name is Al-i-sonnn, asking him if he wants to come to bed with her and makes a kissy sound. Wow, girl’s wild when she’s passed out drunk on wine and meds. Alison falls straight back asleep.
Paul hears strange noises and opens the door to the crafting room where he finds a glue-burnt, sleep masked, headphone-wearing, tied up Donnie.
Donnie’s managed to tip himself onto his side in his struggles to free himself but Paul hilariously brushes this scenario off and instead focuses on what’s important: the laptop on the table which still has the spy cam running. Paul watches and listens as Sarah walks into the bedroom where Vic is waiting for her. He hears Vic threaten Sarah, saying he’ll blow her cover. Sarah wants nothing to do with him.
Up in the bedroom, Vic’s still being a dick. Who barges in but our man Paul, pretending that he’s part of the scam and that Sarah works for him. Sarah’s all, wtf? Vic pulls a gun on them. He feels Sarah still owes him and he wants a cut of whatever they’re up to. Paul suggests they talk about this in the garage.
Sarah turns and opens the bedroom doors to find no other than Aynesley standing there. Sarah’s so startled that she lets out a very un-Alison “Ahhh!” haha. Aynesley wants to talk. Sarah doesn’t want them to go without her but has no choice and watches nervously as they leave, Vic’s gun hiding in Paul’s back.
Aynesley wants to know who the impossibly handsome guy is and Sarah says he’s a friend from university. Aynesley sits down and immediately starts whining that she thinks Chad is having another affair, that slut from spinning class. She wants to know if Chad said anything to Donnie. Sarah says no, but “every marriage has it’s little secrets.” Aynesley apologizes, saying she knows Alison and Donnie are having their own problems too, and teases her about this so-called university friend. When Sarah stands and says they should get back to the party Aynesley finally notices that her outfit is different. Oh, you know, kids spilling stuff etc etc.
In the garage, Vic thinks he’s in charge for all of two seconds until Paul punches the living daylights out of him. Vic is lights out. He wakes up to find Paul aiming a nail gun at him. Vic is suddenly not the tough guy he was acting like before and quickly gives up Sarah’s last name when Paul asks. “Come on in, Sarah Manning,” Ominous Paul says when Sarah steps into the garage. Sarah is not pleased.
She tries to get Paul to stop, saying Vic doesn’t know anything. Vic is completely terrified as Paul holds the nail gun to his temple. Sarah promises Paul she’ll tell him everything. Just then Gemma runs in with a ball and throws it to Sarah, distracting them. Sarah shoos her out and Vic tries to make a run for it, getting his hand nailed to the wooden chair for his efforts. Vic’s all, not my other hand! Dammit!!!
Aynesley snoops downstairs because she’s the worst and she ignores signs that say OFF LIMITS. She finds a snoring Alison and doesn’t notice that she’s back in her original outfit. Alison wakes up and says she doesn’t feel so good. Aynesley very nicely helps her up to bed.
I guess they were able to get Vic’s hand un-nailed cause here he is, getting thrown out of the garage door by Paul. Sarah tells him that they are over and to never come back. Vic stands there and looks at her. His face suddenly softens and he says her name but she slides the door down, cutting him off. He’ll be back.
Just when the door slides down Aynesley walks in. Why would she go in the garage?? I doubt she’s looking for more crackers. Aynesley can’t believe how fast Alison got up since she literally just put her to bed. She introduces herself to Paul and asks, “And you are…?” Paul’s still ominous and replies, “Just visiting.” He reaches behind his back for his gun and Sarah sees. She slides over and hugs Paul to stop him from blowing Aynesley’s head off, which is pretty generous of her if you ask me. Sarah acts like ‘Alison’ is having an affair with Paul, reminding Aynesley that every marriage has it’s secrets. Aynesley takes the hint and leaves, smiling, with Sarah and Paul fake smiling back. When she’s gone Ominous Paul tells Sarah it’s time to go home. OMINOUS.
It’s night, and Alison’s getting into bed with Donnie. She starts to apologize to him but he cuts her off. He’s the one to apologize, confessing to an affair back in college, when the two of them were broken up. The woman had traded flirty letters with him afterwards. That’s what was in the box. The woman got Lupus and Donnie has no idea what happened to her. He’s so sorry about it, he just wanted to hold onto something personal. Donnie ends up crying on Alison’s lap and she holds him.
Back at Beth’s, Paul offers Sarah a drink. He’s about to pour a cup of overdose-with-a-dash-of-death whiskey when Sarah suddenly says, “Clones.”
Paul stops and turns around. “Clones?”
Sarah confesses all, that they’re genetic identicals and they’ve counted nine so far. Paul puts the death whiskey away and reaches for the bourbon instead. Sarah tells him that’s what his job is, to monitor human clones.
“You should’ve told me that in the first place.” Paul takes a swig and offers the bottle to Sarah. She drinks. Looks like he’s back on board. YOU STILL BREAK MY HEART, OMINOUS HOT PAUL.
Downtown, in a sexy and swank French hotel hallway, walks a sexy and swank woman. She unlocks a door and enters a posh room. It’s Delphine, and she definitely is not the Delphine we know. And guess who’s there in a white bathrobe, waiting for her? Dr. Leekie. It’s Dr. Leekie. WHAT.