Previously! This week…guys, I can’t even. I have lost the ability to even with this show. How does it get better every week? If you were meh about this episode, then I want you to sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done. When you can say you’re sorry, I’ll forgive you.
Also, there was literal nail biting from me while watching, and it was mostly centered around what was going to happen to
gloriously shirtless Gendry.
Arya, who is riding with the Hound (unwillingly), waits until she finds him asleep to grab a large rock, wanting to smash his face in and be free. He doesn’t open his eyes as he says, “Tuco rule: smash, or don’t smash. But if you try and fail, I’ll break your hands.”
“No!” she giggles nervously. “This is a gift! For you? Here.”
“It’s a big rock,” the Hound says. “I can’t wait to tell my friends. They don’t have a rock this big.”
They ride on, and Arya gets a little lesson in the world not being black and white when the Hound explains that she’s lucky he found her. (She is.) When she asks if he’s taking her back to Joffrey, he says, “Fuck Joffrey!” [Joffrey cries and whines, and doesn’t know why.] He’s taking her to her mother and brother at The Twins. Oho, Arya. See? The Hound is actually an honorable man (in his own way). Just ask your sister.
Danaerys and her captains hide in the desert terrain, watching as some dudes on horseback ride up to Yunkai all loud and proud. It’s the fraternity Rho Hip Nol, a.k.a. “Second Sons.” They’re dudebros for hire, and their President is the Titan’s Bastard, Mero. There’s about 2000 of them, which isn’t enough to defeat the Unsullied, but is enough to do some real damage to Dany’s troops.
Because Dany is incredibly smart, she sends Grey Worm to ask Mero and his bros to come talk to her, because they clearly want to be on the winning team, which is Team Dragon. When they show up, they’re absolute douche canoes (minus hottie McHair Braid, Daario Naharis, and hel-lo, Bedroom Eyes), treating Daenerys Stormborn, Mother of Dragons, like she’s a common tavern wench.
OH. NO. YOU. DI’INT.
But she’s far better at this game than they are. So she smiles, and she’s kind, and she notes that Perfect Mouth Daario seems to be the smart one of the group. He points out that she exaggerated her numbers, and why on earth should they stick with her? She’s just a little girl with no ships or real money.
“A fortnight ago I had no army,” she replies. “A year ago I had no dragons.” And tomorrow I’ll have your dicks on swizzle sticks. More wine? Cheese plate?
When they swagger off, leaving a poisoned cloud of Axe Body Spray in their wake, she tells Selmy to be sure and kill Mero first. Yeah, he has no problem with that plan, M’Lady. Jorah is almost apoplectic with rage that they dared speak to his Khaleesi with such savage tongues. (Jorah, I love you. My body is ready.)
Fire Crotch Mage and Gendry fast travel to the underground seaside war room of Stannis Baratheon (seriously, weren’t they just looking at King’s Landing? Now they’re back at Dragonstone? I’m confused.) so Stannis can look for any Baratheon in Gendry’s countenance. Yeah, it’s there. Along with some lowborn whore. (Hey, easy! That’s his mom!)
Melisandre sends Gendry off to be bathed and soothed, which pisses Stannis off, because isn’t Gendry just going to be killed? [me: NOOOOO!] Yeah, Stannis, Mel’s got this, okay? Just stand around and look sour. This ain’t her first time at the innocent slaughter rodeo.
Don’t you dare, Mel! DON’T YOU DARE KILL THAT BEAUTIFUL BASTARD. [No, Jon Snow, I don’t mean you.]
Davos continues to get hooked on phonics down in his prison cell, and it’s adorable when he figures out how to say a few difficult words (gh = f, yeah, that’s hard). Newt was clearly a good teacher. [Mostly] Stannis shows up to see that he’s being treated well, drops the fact that Davos is to be freed, and gossips about his mistress, Fire Crotch Mage. She picked up a little something in town for a shindig they’re having later. It’s such a good night for sacrificing the bastard son of one’s dead brother, don’t you think?
No, Davos does not think that, because Davos is a good guy, okay? And he knows Stannis used to be, too. He’ll abide by the rule to never raise a hand to her, but he’s going to talk smack because that’s what good friends do when you’re making a mistake. Stannis wants Davos to look him in the eye and say that he doesn’t see that Melisandre has actual power, that the Lord of Light doesn’t have actual power. So what say you? Davos still thinks it’s murder, but that shadow baby thing was scary, so…
Mero is back at Rho Hip Nol House with his bros, a Tri-Delt (try Delts! Everyone else has!) on his lap smirking over how lucky she is (gross), as they talk shit about Dany, like how great it will be to rape her to death. Aw, that must be what they’re doing this year as their service project. (Gross.) Daario says he only fucks women who are willing (Oh, honey, I bet they all are. I JUST BET THEY ALL ARE.) and only kills men trying to kill him. He’s a simple man with simple needs.
Mero says that what they’ll do is slip into her camp tonight past everyone and kill her, then she won’t be a problem. SURE. THAT SHOULD BE EASY. They draw
straws coins to see who gets that shit detail, and it’s Daario. And let me reiterate that Daario can get. it. [I live by the principle of “Treat Yo-self.”]
Sansa is being dressed – oh my god, for her wedding. It’s happening. Tyrion comes in, gets everyone to leave so he can try and be sweet to her, but let’s face it: no good girl from Winterfell ever dreamed of being married to the Half Man. When he tries to say they’re in the same boat, she catches him off guard by pointing out that no, they aren’t. She’s a virgin who has been forced to married Joffrey, and now his uncle. Her father was killed, she’s been a prisoner, abused and tormented by her former fiance, and oh, right. She’s only fourteen.
Tyrion regroups quickly and promises that he would never hurt her. And…maybe she should indulge in some wine tonight. He swears by that making things more bearable.
Margaery loops her arm through Cersei’s because they’re almost sisters! OMG BFF! Cersei pastes a smile on her face and tells her the story of the House of Reyne.
The Story of The House of Reyne
Once upon a time a few years ago, there was a family that was the second wealthiest family in the world, next to the Lannisters.
“This is before the Tyrells took that spot, dear,” Cersei interrupts herself to point out.
And they weren’t satisfied with being second place, oh no. They wanted to be the wealthiest family in the history of Westeros. Now, the Lannisters were old money, money passed from generation to generation, where the Reyne’s were a bunch of nuveau riche bastards with their souped up speed boats and Miss Me jeans and brass pissing cherub fountains, their money acquired from a surprisingly successful vending machine business coupled with snake breeding, but they were artless. Tacky. The Al Czerviks of Bushwood Country Club. They were climbers, in other words, climbers wanting to be on the inside simply for the sake of being in.
But Tywin Lannister had his fill of their garish McMansions and Hummers, their hidden beer kegs in their golf bags, their obnoxious teenage children who didn’t know how to hold their liquor, and he laid waste to them. In fact, not one member of the family survived. No one carries their name anymore; every man, woman and child was put to death, their ridiculous homes razed, their diamonds reset into more tasteful settings and sold off, their big screen televisions dumped into the river.
“If you ever call me sister again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.”
Time for the wedding! Joffrey feels this is the perfect chance to remind everyone how awful he is by sashaying to Sansa and explaining that since her father is dead – by his command, did she remember that? – he’ll be the one to give her away, what with him being the “father of the realm,” and excuse me while I throw up.
It’s the most dour wedding ever. A small crowd is gathered, no one speaks, there is no music or fanfare, and Joffrey drags a stool away so the difference in Tyrion’s height and Sansa’s can’t be ignored because he’s a nasty little fucker. The crowd titters when Tyrion can’t reach Sansa’s shoulders to “cloak her” – that is until Tywin gives the crowd the stinkeye. Tyrion asks her to kneel so he can, and then the ceremony starts.
TO SANSA’S CREDIT: she does what is asked of her, and again, she’s fourteen. I know fourteen year old girls. She’s a good one, the poor thing.
Fire Crotch Mage enters a fantasy-dressed bedroom. Rich tapestries and silks adorn every surface, candles are burning brightly, and a Gendry is in there going commando in his breeches. Yep, bedroom fantasy. I’m sorry, I was distracted. Melisandre gets him to drink some wine, puts some Teddy Pendergrast on the hi-fi, and leans in close to breathe into his ear, “You have a power in you that you don’t even know yet. But I’m about to.” HEY-O!
Gendry looks gobsmacked and slightly confused because he’s never gotten any, is my guess (and what a pity!), when she rolls her eyes and says, “Blacksmith hammer? Thundercock? Look, us boning is all a part of the Lord of Light’s plan.” Yeah, that’s a religion I could get behind, the one that encourages boning for a change. He wants to sign up for Sexy Church, especially when she gets naked (good lord, she is perfect. PERFECT.) and starts dry humping him.
“I thought you were a priestess?” he asks, trying to not make this come…to an end too quickly.
She’s all, “Yep. Hey, everything is about to go to ruin; so we should get with the sexing. It’s for the good of the world.”
He’s thinking, “Wow, every guy has wanted to use that line, and she totally made it work.”
Gendry’s like: Boobies! which means he’s too distracted to realize that she’s not tying him down to the bed to be sexy, she’s tying him down so she can do awful, squirmy things to him, NOOOO! Leeches! Wait…that’s not as bad as I thought it would be. Yeah, she puts one down his pants, but Stand By Me, come on. Geordie made it out of there okay.
I did have a total “Khaaaaaan!” moment when I saw her pull those out, because things put in eyes or ears freak me the hell out, thanks for that Ricardo Montalban. Thankfully it was just some good ol’ fashioned leeching on the torso. I was expecting throats to be cut, quite honestly.
Stannis comes in and seems upset to see her naked. Dude, you have got to get over thinking she’s your lady. Davis follows him in and wow, this party just got weird. Mel pries the leeches off, collects them in a bowl, and says they’re doing it this way because of Davos. (My guess: the magic won’t be as strong because it’s just a little blood, not all of it. But then, maybe the sexing in the beginning adds power? Who the hell knows with this Lord of Light. His rules seem to be pretty arbitrary based on the practitioner.)
Pouting, Stannis says the names of his three enemies – Robb Stark, Balon Greyjoy, Joffrey Baratheon – as Mel tosses the blood suckers onto the flames. Nice shot of them bursting, all full of blood, Show. Blech.
[I wonder if this means that those three will come down with a case of the sniffles instead of the killed’s because of the small amount of powerful Kingly blood? Time will tell…]
Drunken Revelry At The Saddest Wedding Reception Ever! Tyrion pours himself a Big Carl of wine as Sansa sits next to him, miserable. Olenna takes great pleasure in detailing the crazy family tree of the Lannisters and Tyrells once Joffrey and Margaery are married and Loras and Cersei are married. Loras mumble-sings, “I am my own grandpa…”
Cersei tries to convince Joffrey to go talk to his fiance, but a Weaselteat’s gonna do what a Weaselteat wants to. Besides, he’s going to have to talk to her for the rest of his life. Tywin, meanwhile, tells Tyrion that he better not come down with a case of whiskey dick, because it’s expected that a new Lannister baby is made that night.
Tyrion laughs, because please! This is like, his number one skill: drunken revelry. “I’m the God of tits and wine, no worries.” Somewhere Gendry cries softly because that’s the God he thought he was worshiping.
Loras tries to be a good guy and talk to Cersei, what with them having to marry soon and all, but she’s all “I HATE YOUR FACE. WHERE’S JAIME?! I HATE EVERYTHING,” and walks off and Loras looks out across the water and misses Renly, because Renly liked his face and liked talking to Loras. :( Oh, honey, go find your hot squire and work it out. And send me a DVD of it.
Joffrey corners Sansa and tries to act like he has any game. Let me just say this, Weaselteat: if you didn’t have guards, you wouldn’t get a bit of tail without paying for it. And he knows this and even tells Sansa that when he stops by (no doubt Tyrion is going to pass out before sealing the deal) to have a little Prima Nocta, he’ll make sure his guards hold her down.
I HATE HIM, GUYS. (In the way that makes it entertaining on my screen, I don’t want him to disappear. Unless it’s to be Theon-tortured. I could get behind that.)
King Weaselteat then tells the room at large that it’s time for the “bedding ceremony” where everyone strips the bride and groom, then carries them to their room. Fun! Except for how that sounds totally awful. And Tyrion isn’t that drunk, because he drives his knife into the table and tells Joffrey that if he so much as lays a finger on Sansa, Tyrion will cut his dick off and he’ll have to fuck Margaery with a wooden cock.
As far as threats go, that was a good one.
Joffrey trembles with ineffectual rage until Tywin snaps everyone out of this and sends Sansa and Tyrion on their way. Tyrion plays the drunken “Oopsie!” card, but he really is totally drunk. He jokes about being a half man all the way down [“My penis…so small!”] and is hilarious. Sansa doesn’t quite agree.
Safe in their chamber, he tells her that he’s been commanded to consummate the marriage. She nervously turns away and undoes her dress, leaving her in her undershift, but before she can bring herself to strip fully, he stops her.
“I won’t share your bed,” he says. “Not until you want me to.”
“What if I never want you to?”
Tyrion gulps, blinks, then says in an overly cheerful voice, “And so my Watch begins.” Ha. How can you not love this guy? I get why Sansa doesn’t (and shouldn’t), but the audience better freaking love him. Sansa doesn’t know him. She only knows the stories about him and that she’s being forced to have sex with a man that frightens her. [Not to forget that when she first arrived in King’s Landing, her mother captured Tyrion and imprisoned him for shoving Bran out of the window. Who knows if it’s been revealed to her that it was Jaime? So she might be thinking she’s marrying the man that crippled her little brother.]
Yeah, she shouldn’t be all eager here, weirdos online in forums that keep saying how grateful she should be. Um, that’s gross, and you should rethink yourself.
An Unsullied makes his way through the dark camp while Dany takes a bath with her hot handmaiden, Missandie. Okay, Handmaiden isn’t in the water with her, she’s doing the scrubbing. At the sound of a gasp, Dany opens her eyes to find Daario – dressed as an Unsullied – with his knife to Missandie’s throat.
He says he wants her, Dany. Well, to serve her. Why on earth should she believe him? Uh, that bag of Frat Bro heads should do some convincing, maybe? He killed Mero and Haze Master. When his Frat Bros said for him to go kill Dany, he told Douche 1 and Douche 2 that he wouldn’t kill her (she wasn’t trying to kill him, rule #2 in his life’s creed). And when they drew their swords against him, he drew his. Damn. And now heads are rolling on her nice sisal carpet, and it’s not like blood is an easy stain to get out, guys. But yeah, nice gift?
He believes in choice, and he’s choosing to fight for her. Okay, then! She gets out of the tub (rawr, Khaleesi!) and is clothed. She makes him swear to fight for her, he does, and Jorah sobs brokenly in his sleep. Seriously, who can’t this girl win to her side? KHALEESI!
Sansa wakes up the next morning when Shae comes in. We know there was no sex in that room last night, either by force (Joffrey) or by choice (Tyrion), because Shae collects the bridal sheets and they’re dry and blood-free. GROSS. Shae smiles at a hungover Tyrion, passed out on the chaise.
Gilly, Porkins, and little baby Appetizer continue trekking through the forest past a Wilford Brimley tree and towards a burned shack. They’ll stay there for the night. As he tries (and fails) to build a fire, a crow squawks when it lands on the Brimley tree. Gilly takes over the fire building (whips a blaze right out) and they chat about names for the baby.
“Bruschetta? Prosciutto? Tamale? Morsel!”
Things we learn: Porkins really smarts about his cruel dad, still, and it’s a way for Gilly and him to bond. Except she had the worst dad, let’s be honest. More and more crows arrive until it sounds like the final ten minutes of a Hitchcock film. Porkins goes to investigate and sees scores of crows now. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? (Aside from an evil portent.)
Then…the crowing stops. Oh shit. Something steps out of the dark in the woods, and it’s the Predefremen dude that locked eyes with him at the end of Season 2! And Porkins knows that the baby is the spice this Icy Fremen is after.
Red Leader Porkins pulls his sword, because he has the heart of a lion when it comes to Gilly, but the White Walker guy grabs the sword and shatters it, throws him aside, and staggers towards baby Charcuterie, oh my gosh.
BUT HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE, PORKINS IS STAYING ON TARGET. He pulls out that black charred spear tip from the First Men and jams it between the Walker’s shoulder blades and the guy screams, turns to ice, falls to the ground and shatters what what what?! HE IS AS SHOCKED AS I AM.
The crows caw again, Porkins grabs Gilly’s hand and they take off running into the night, the murder of crows taking flight after them, and my heart is pounding. SamwellwiseGamgeeBlackWatchPorkins, you did good, kid!
Note: He left the blade, didn’t he? PORKINS!!!!! *shakes fist in a rage*
Next Week! Robb plans, Gjördkr plans, everyone plans. Except I’m thinking Jorah didn’t plan for Dany and Daario to be handfast, what is happening!? (DO NOT TELL ME.) I AM A NON-READER, NO SPOILERS OH MY GOSH PLEASE.
And we have to wait until JUNE? I plan on drinking heavily until then.
Things that made me happy: more talk about the different religions, more stuff about the White Walkers/Others/Shambling Ice Men, more sassy Cersei. Oh, she’s such a delightfully spiteful woman. Things I needed: a shirtless Jorah saying words in a sexy way because that’s just how he talks. AHHH. I LOVE THIS SHOW.