Game of Thrones 3.9 – The Rains of Castamere

(Last episode, before my heart was destroyed.) GUYS WHAT. WHAT.  What.  WHAT?!!  Hey, I asked you a question.  I ASKED YOU WHAAAAAT ON EARTH DID I JUST WATCH?! WHAT DID THEY DO TO  MEEEEEEEE? Accurate depiction of me during the last ten minutes of the episode:


I just—

So I just have to talk about this, huh? All the stuff before? Wait, Jorah was sexy with a sword and Daario was smirky and delicious, OKAY I CAN DO THIS. (JFC, I am shaking and crying, and I freaking love this show and haters to the left or whatever kids say these days and seriously. SERIOUSLY. No one is safe. I thought I understood, guys, but I didn’t understand until now. And now I walk as nothing more than a breathing shadow, because clearly I cannot allow myself to love anyone, because now I know they will be taken from me. I know this now. [pounds chest, weeps])

Punches: not being pulled. GOT IT. And CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE LANNISTERS OH MY G-  Which is a perfect segue into the beginning, WOW SHOW, where we see Robb, his map, and a weetiny doodle of Casterly Rock.

Robb has apparently FedEx’d a few new game pieces for his War Board as we see a giant wooden X with a man hanging on it (and OH. Okay. Yep, I get it. This is who is holding Theon: House Bolton of the Flayed Man) and the other addition of an iron (seeming) tower to represent the Twins. I’m thinking recession/revolution-proof businesses in Westeros are caskets, “so your village was pillaged and burned, and you want to try again” starter kits, and giant wooden game pieces for warlords’ strategic maps. (Where are they getting these?  Are there Royal Strategic War Map Carvers or something?)

Irrelevant! Robb finally wants his mom’s advice about what to do, since he borked the whole Frey Oath thing, etc. They both realize that they can succeed at taking Casterly Rock if—and it’s seemingly a mostly sure thing—Argus Walder Filch-Frey cooperates. Otherwise, “We’ll lose the war and die the way Father died. Or worse.”

PLEASE NOTE  THE CLOSE UP ON THE GAME PIECES. The wolves are facing the Lannisters, and at the wolves’ back stand the Flayed Man and Twins. Wow. Right at their back, ready to stab, huh? Take a drink every time there’s foreshadowing. (Get a backup liver on call.) And wow #2, okay, Karstark said plainly before losing his head a la Oliver Cromwell, “You lost this war when you married [Talisa.]” DRINK.

Robb’s direwolf (eee, puppy!) leads the lot of Starks and their remaining bannermen to the Twins, and interesting how Filch-Frey gives them bread and salt: salt is a sign of wealth, but it’s also what you spread generously to destroy and keep from ever coming back. “Salt the earth so nothing can grow.” DRINK.

Robb apologizes to Frey for the whole falling in love with someone else thing, but Frey makes him apologize to the Frey women, named like they’re George Foreman’s kids. (Waldera, Waldero, Waldera II, Derawal, Derawall XXV, etc.) Frey then calls Talisa to stand before him, and Cat makes Robb allow it when Frey is totally disgusting about her body, how he’d like to tap that ass, and how he gets that Robb was thinking with a stiff one and not his honor. Ouch. All of the McPoyles (Frey’s inbred family) stand around gawping at her, too.

But Cat knows they have to let Frey’s anger run out so they can move on. Oh, Cat. You weren’t thinking big enough. (But who would!?) Frey then says, “The wine will flow red, the music will be loud, and we’ll put this mess behind us.” WOW. DRINK.

Dany has her own war council that apparently Daario is allowed to be a part of now. (We last saw him with a bag o’heads—newest enemy expansion pack!—invading her bath and swearing an oath.) They’re looking at a map – she doesn’t have fancy game piece carvers, it seems – and Jorah is pushed aside so that Daario can stand really close to her and move her hand right to the magic spot. If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of Jorah’s heart breaking. I mean, I can smell the lust off these two young long-haired hotties through my tv screen; imagine what that must be like for Jorah. (“I loved her first!!”)

Daario’s plan: he sneaks into the whore house with Jorah and Grey Worm backing him up, they open the front gates, the army rolls in. Boom, the city will be hers. Jorah is all, “Uh, Seal Team 3 stuff means I’d have to trust you. And I don’t.” Grey Worm eyes Daario and sees something he can trust, however. Dany puts the plan in motion—Selmy will stay as Queensguard and Jorah will give his last breath for his Khalesi, if it comes to it. (It better not. IT HAD BETTER NOT.)

Red Leader Porkins and Gilly continue to push toward the Wall, but Porkins has them headed to one of the abandoned castles. He is at Expert Level Sneak, and clearly found a Castle Schematics skill book that leveled him up. He explains all of this book learning to her, which doesn’t translate. Scratches in a book made him this smart? “Yer a Wizard, Harry Samwell!” I love how these two represent the average Westeros citizen. They’re just trying to stay alive, trying to find a little goodness during the day. They don’t have huge plans or grand ideas beyond survival.

They finally get to where they can see the wall, and my hat’s off to the CGI/effects department, because it looks gorgeous. That is an impressive bit of man-building there.

The Hound and Arya are pushing toward the Twins as well, and meet a man with a wagon who happens to be headed inside. The Hound knocks him out and prepares to kill the guy when Arya stops him. “JFC, you don’t have to murder everyone you come across! You’re not so tough.”

The Hound: Are so!

Arya: A girl knows a man that is tough. A girl is not looking at him!

The Hound says she’s a very nice person. And that is going to get her killed some day. She knocks the wagon-man out again in a huff and stomps back to their horse.

I could be an assassin if I WANTED to be.  :( ...wait, it's %(

I could be an assassin if I WANTED to be.
:(     …wait, it’s   %(

She finds him a while later eating all of the pigs’ feet that the wagon was carrying, and tells him to get a move on, hopping from foot to foot. He knows what that’s all about, though: she’s terrified. Nuh uh!

Uh huh! He knows fear, and she’s dripping with it. She’s so close to seeing her family (and she’s been alone since episode 1.09!) and so close to having it all ruined, too. DRINK. He smirks about how scared she is, but she gets in his face.  She knows his big fear: fire. And she knows why. And one day she is going to put a sword through his eye and it will come out of the back of his head and she will not shed a tear. Arya? I love you, you spunky thing, you.

Bran, Rickon, Billy Elliot, Tough Sis, Tonks and Hodor arrive at a village close to the Wall called “The Gift.” Not much of one, seeing as it looks ransacked. The Wildlings raid it often—I mean, you name it “The Gift” and people are going to take that literally. There’s just the one guy living there who raises horses. A storm rolls in, so they all take to a small tower to ride it out.

Speaking of Wildlings, Gjördkr the Chîcken Eåter leads his band of men to a small stone wall where they spy a small farm and one man running it. The old man raises the horses for the Watch—it’s the same place that Bran and his group are! Jon wants the raiders to just take the horses and go, not kill the old man, but Gjördkr knows that it would be better for the Watch to attack them on this open field, not inside their castle.

They all run toward the hut to kill the man, but Jon smacks his sword against a stone to alert the horses and the Watch’s man. Ygritte is growing ever more suspicious—it seems that Jon Snow does know something, Ygritte, and he’s just not telling you. (And this was a perfect episode to call Jon a bastard, but no one did. Tchuh.)

Bran’s group, up in the tower, are trying to keep Hodor calm as thunder rolls over them. Quick, someone get Hodor a Thundershirt! They’re all trying to figure out how to get out of there safely, but Hodor borks it all up with his terror-whining. Outside, the Wildling’s Warg, aka Fedora-Wearing Nice Guy, hears the noise and grows suspicious. Bran does some hoodoo that involves his eyes going white and getting inside Hodor (M-O-O-N, that spells Hodor!) to shut him the hell up.

The Wildlings kill the old man’s horse before he can escape to call the alarm. The old man refuses to tell Gjördkr where he was going. Gjördkr is gentle with him here—they all know the old man will die, why be a dick about it? Did someone say “Be a dick, not a dude?” Because Nice Guy says, “Let’s get Jon Snow to kill him. Let him prove he’s really with us.”

Jon tries, but struggles with it. In the end, Ygritte arrows the old dude through the heart and this upsets everyone. He’s a crow! And Ygritte’s his crow-protecting wife! Gjördkr gets Ygritte and drags her off, because ultimately she’s a Wildling and a damn good fighter; they want to keep her. Jon fights off Wildlings, Bran inside is convinced by Billy Elliot to get inside his Direwolf and attack (and DOES), and Jon manages to stab Nice Guy through the heart. He whispers into Nice Guy’s ear, “You were right all along.”

This is what happens when you continually call someone a bastard, guys.

This is what happens when you continually call someone a bastard, guys.

And with his last dying breath, Nice Guy sends a falcon to attack Jon’s face NOT FALCON FACED, NOOOO!  Jon fights the bird off (or was that a golden eagle? Not that it matters) and manages to get away on a horse. LEAVING YGRITTE, NOOOOO times two! (Will he regret leaving Ygritte? Hurr.)

Zooming all the way down to Yunkai, the overhead shot is gorgeous, and almost looks like the city is burning. Daario tells Jorah and Grey Worm to wait for his signal, a bird call. And he’s like a champion bird caller and stuff.

“CAW, CAW!” Daario screeches, and the two men run in to find the guards dead. Easy peasy, nice and—WAIT, HERE COME A DOZEN MORE. The three men look amazing wielding their scimitars, speared staffs and swords, taking the soldiers out like a boss. Several bosses. A quorum? Jorah is about to wipe off his blade (after some seriously gorgeous sword work) to say something like, “That was a close one!” when more soldiers pour over the wall. SHIT. Was this an ambush planned by Daario? BECAUSE WE KNOW THERE’S AN AMBUSH COMING. this the ambush? Does she have a face like a gargoyle?

…is this the ambush? Does she have a face like a gargoyle? Or a gun in the bathroom a la Michael Corleone?

*cough* At the Twins, Frey walks his daughter down the aisle, but we can’t see her face through the intricate veil. Is she hiding a foot growing out of her face? Are there teeth surrounding one eye? What monstrous beast lies within?  Edmure gulps, waiting for it to come off and…oh, she’s lovely! Frey was able to squirt out something human, how nice! They go through the ceremony without a problem. (Blackfish tries not to catch the eye any of the old unmarried Frey women, lol.)

Catch your breath here, guys. Bran, happy that he was able to enter his Direwolf Summer’s mind, isn’t as happy as Billy Elliot (Jojen). Jojen is unbelievably happy that Bran can enter men. HEY-O, they’re teens and that’s wrong of me. No warg has ever been able to get inside a person’s mind, so clearly Bran is no regular warg. Bran tells Tonks that he’s pushing north of the Wall, and she’s to take Rickon to Castle Black and/or their bannermen. Rickon is heartsick over this, because they were the last Stark kids to be together! Also, he’s like seven or something.

“Say your good-byes, little man,” Tonks tells Rickon, then makes sure Billy Elliot and Tough Sister watch out for Bran, because he’s her special little guy. No offense, Rickon. They leave by the cover of night with Rickon’s puppy Shaggydog, and now the Starks are all spread out, cast into the wind like dandelion fluff. DRINK.

In Yunkai, Dany worries that it’s taking such a long time for Jorah and the rest to get back. Jorah and Grey Worm show up just then, exhausted and covered in blood. “It was just as you said, Khalesi,” Jorah says sexily, because everything he says is breathy and lust-riddled. “The slaves turned against their masters and joined forces with you, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons, Keeper of my Heart. Now how about a congratulatory kis—”

“Yeah, but where is Daario?”

And that’s when Daario swaggers in. “Look at me. Now look at Jorah, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he was twenty years younger, he might smell like me. Look down, now back up, where are you? In a tent with a victory. Here’s a flag to that city you love. Look again, now it’s a THRONE.”

Baby, I got you. If she don't want you, I'll scoop you up like the day's paper.

Paused EXACTLY at the moment where his heart breaks.  Oh, baby, I got you. If she don’t want you, I’ll scoop you up like the day’s paper.

I need to drink. And then invite Iain Glenn to sit next to me so I can soothe him.

Speaking of drinking, that’s what they’re doing at the Twins, celebrating this fine marriage! Lord Bolton arrives, and he reminds us all that he doesn’t drink. Whatever dude, that doesn’t make you better than me.Us. Them. Where were we? I was opening a new bottle of hootch, that’s where.

Interesting tidbit Bolton throws out: he’s married to a Frey (a fat one, so he could get as much dowry as possible). So he has a vested interest/alliance with Frey, it seems, as well as being a bannerman for the Starks. Hmm.

Talisa notices that Cat is stuck with Roose, and she tells Robb to go save her. DRINK. Blackfish gets up to pee. *bites fist* Talisa and Robb make cute faces at each other until Frey shuts the whole party down to make a speech. It’s time for his daughter to get screwed, so everyone send them off to their bed, and undress them along the way! Right, Robb? Robb agrees for the “bedding ceremony,” and yes, it’s a creepy tradition, and I keep flashing back on Sansa and how they didn’t do this, thank goodness.

As Edmure tells the ladies dragging him away that they need to watch out for his trouser snake as it’s more of an anaconda than a garter, Talisa tells Robb she wants to name the baby Eddard Stark. Aww. Guys! Eddard Stark has re-entered the game!

Cat notices that one of the McPoyles gets up and bars the door to the hallway, and the music changes to something mournful. Because I have Closed Captioning on while watching, I see that this song they’re playing is the “Rains of Castamere.” Bronn sang this once, right? And it should have been the Reynes, correct? It’s the song Cersei mentioned to Margaery, about wiping out the entire…

Oh. Oh dear god. Outside, Robb’s Direwolf, who is locked in a stable, starts whining. OH PUPPY NO!! D:

Arya and the Hound ride up to the gate and are told the celebration is over and to leave. While the Hound tries to figure out how to handle this, Arya slips away, excited to get to her mom and brother. NO, ARYA OH MY GOSH.

Frey holds his hand out, stopping the music, and makes his final speech. Cat listens as he talks about how he “owes my daughter” QUEEN, he says QUEEN – a wedding gift,” and she realizes that Roose has armor on under his wedding coat. OH. SHIT. She slaps him across the face—and damn, that made my teeth ring!—and yells for Robb to get out.

That’s when a McPoyle draws a blade and stabs Talisa once, twice, five times in the belly. In the BABY. Oh my dear sweet lord. (And Eddard Stark has left the game, sob!) Robb stares, horror struck, and then it’s on like Red Dawn: the balcony is filled with men carrying crossbows and they unload into Robb. Cat gets an arrow in the back, too. HEY SYMBOLISM IN YOUR FACE, VIEWER. Every man who isn’t Bolton or a Frey gets their throat cut or is shot by arrows.

Arya tries to sneak in, sees some Stark men and lets her shoulders drop in relief. Which is PRECISELY when Frey men come out and kill them, to her horror. WAIT, THERE’S MORE: they then arrow the poor Direwolf to death, and those are endangered species, assholes!! *sobs brokenly*

The Hound catches her trying to get a horse to get the hell out of there, knocks her out, and carries her to safety. Is it because he’s actually nice and cares? Or is it because she can bring him money when he finds the right person who will pay?  ….maybe a little of both, I think.

BUT BACK TO THE RED WINE (BLOOD) FLOWING INSIDE, OH MY GOSH. Cat crawls under tables as Robb crawls to Talisa, who is clearly dead. Everyone living, all Freys at this point, stops to watch and laugh.

Cat sees an opportunity. She grabs a knife from one of the wedding tables and grabs Frey’s young wife, holding the blade to the girl’s neck. Let her son go and the girl lives. By her honor as a Tully and a Stark, she’ll kill the girl, Frey, so do it.  Cat screams, pleads, begs Robb to get out of there, to run, to freaking live. As far as she knows, none of her children are still alive, just Robb. Maybe Sansa.

Frey’s response to having his wife killed in front of him? “I’ll find another.” DAMN. That is COLD.

Roose is there with a blade for Robb’s heart. He leans in and whispers, “The Lannisters send their regards,” as he kills the King of the North.

You mother trucking double crossing...

You mother trucking double crossing…

Cat wails and my heart totally breaks. She blindly slices open the girl’s throat, because on her fucking honor, she is a Tully and a Stark, and she will honor her oath to the end. She continues to stand there, frozen, for all intents and purposes: dead. And a random man appears and slits her throat to make that sure, and the show goes silent.

HOLY. HELL. Guys. Do you think Blackfish made it!? (Don’t spoil me, this is just speculation, because we didn’t SEE him get killed. Or if we did, I didn’t notice.)  What about Edmure?! Are they going to keep him alive until he gets Roslin with child?!

Salt the earth so nothing grows!! (Arya! Brave, strong Arya! And Sansa! And Bran! And Rickon! I don’t want them to be the kings or queens of Westeros, I just want them to live. *cries*)  Danaerys Targaryen, show the Lannisters the meaning of dragonfire, oh my god.

AND LET’S TALK TYWIN! AND ROOSE! So…do you think Roose knew this plan before catching Jaime? Or was this born out of getting Jaime? Or was Jaime a way of Roose showing Tywin that not only can he be trusted, but he can also be an amazing ally? I am tearing my hair out here, because I did NOT see any of this coming, and that is the best kind of tv watching, holy smokes.

One. Freaking. More. Episode. I don’t know if my heart can take it. I PLAN ON HAVING 911 ON SPEED DIAL. Click here for the finale!

Obligatory reminder that I am SPOILER FREE and a NON-BOOK READER.  Please, please, please don’t ruin the viewing pleasure I get from not knowing what to expect.