John Peters, you know, the
farmer old guy who cleans the WalMart parking lot every morning, is up before dawn as usual, ready to start his sad truck to begin his sad day. What a glorious surprise when he finds a wad of money on the sidewalk, and another! And another! He follows this trail of tasty crumbs until he comes upon Jesse’s empty car in a park, complete with two gym bags full of cash lying in plain view in the front seat. And where’s Jesse? Lying on a merry-go-round that’s slowly spinning round and round just like the existential black thoughts in his head. Poor babs. ::does not even think about having sex with him on that merry-go-round to make him feel better::
This episode we find Walt mere seconds after last week’s episode ended, leaving Hank’s garage after begging him for mercy and perhaps threatening to kill him and everyone he loves. Hank watches him go, and when Walt turns around to stare him down, it’s a modern day gunfight at the okay corral. Hank squints with hatred at him, draws his weapon and…shuts the garage door in Walt’s face. BOOM!
And now all bets are off. Walt rushes to his car and speeds away, making it, like, two houses down before he screeches to a halt as he calls Skyler at the car wash in a big fat panic. What do you mean she’s on the phone?! Get her off the phone! Tell her the jig is up! Tell her…tell her…wait a second. Who exactly is she talking to on the phone, anyway? Walt looks up to see Hank getting into his car, talking to someone on his cell phone. Uh oh. Looks like Quick Draw McGraw won this gunfight. Walt peels off, leaving a cloud of overwrought dust in his wake. By the time he gets to the car wash, Skyler is already gone. Darn it to heck!
Finally, the scenes we have anxiously awaited all these seasons are starting to happen. Skyler meets with Hank in a cafe to talk about how Walt is, good lord, Heisenberg. He assumes (and you know what assuming does) that she is just a victim in all this and that she’d be happy, relieved, thrilled even, to spill her guts about everything she knows that Walt’s done. Right here into the recording device. Don’t forget to state your name and the date. Also, Walt’s cancer is back. Kthxbai. Skyler is fuh-reaked entirely out, and suggests she lawyers up before saying anything about anything. Hank is confused by her reluctance to help him make his case, and when he insists she snap out of it, she insists he LET GO OF HER RIGHT NOW IS SHE UNDER ARREST OR WHAT BECAUSE IF NOT SHE IS LEAVING RIGHT NOW OMFG!!!!!!!!! Which she does, sobbing hysterically, leaving Hank to rethink his strategy in this matter.
Uber-henchmen (and soon-to-be regulars on Saul’s new show?) Huell and Kuby are tasked with retrieving Walt’s mountain o’ cash from the self-storage unit. They contemplate absconding with all of it, but after considering what kind of man Walt/Heisenberg is, they decide it’s enough to just lie on it like it’s the most expensive pillowtop mattress in history. Ah, the luxurious feeling of hundred dollar bills.
Walt has high-tailed it to Saul’s office, where they’re both sweating bullets and trying to keep calm. Skyler finally phones Walt on his cell, but Saul barks at him not to answer it in case the DEA has already put a tap on it. In fact, best to just take the battery out altogether. Walt really wants to talk to her, needless to say, but sees the wisdom in what Saul is telling him. Saul assures him that Skyler hasn’t witnessed enough for it to stand up in court, although Hank is admittedly a problem. Perhaps Walt might want to think about sending Hank to…Belize. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Just like Walt sent Mike to…Belize. Walt is outraged at the thought. Hank is FAMILY, for God’s sake (“I’ll send you to Belize”). I find this do-or-die loyalty to “family” hilarious after everything Walt’s done, but okay. No murdering Hank. Got it. Huell and Koby arrive with a van full of barrels of Walt’s melted victims. Ahem, I mean barrels of money. Walt takes over and drives the van by himself to the middle of the desert, where he proceeds to dig a great big hole so he can bury the booty. Needless to say, Walt probably had this planned out well in advance, in case the day ever arrived when Hank found out the truth.
Hank changes tack and decides to bring Marie over to Skyler’s house to talk some sense into her, sister to sister. After a few minutes of hyperventilating, Skyler lets her inside, on the condition Hank stays the hell away from her. All Marie wants to figure out is how long Skyler knew the truth about Walt. Since she jumped into to pool and had the breakdown? Skyler’s tears are answer enough. Since Gus Fring was murdered? Boo hoo hoo. Since Walt made all that money “gambling”? Since they bought the car wash?? Not since before Hank was shot by the twins?!? Marie is devastated as the enormity of Skyler’s complicity sinks in. Honestly, I don’t think Skyler actually understood what exactly she was doing until this moment herself. Her own breaking bad happened one small, easily-swallowed bite at a time – and now it’s time to pay the bill. When Skyler tries to gasp out an apology, Marie bitch-slaps her like the badass we always never suspected she was. “You won’t talk to Hank because you think Walt is going to get away with it,” she accuses Skyler (which I think is about right). She stalks out in a righteous huff, and promptly tries to steal baby Holly away from the bad, bad people. Skyler’s having none of that nonsense, and the two square off, Holly screaming between them like an A-list actress if I do say so myself. When Hank realizes what’s happening, he forces Marie to give the baby back to Skyler. His plan to have Marie talk Skyler into doing the right thing has backfired badly, and he tries his best contain the damage. He drags Marie to car, where she dazedly tells Hank, “You have to get him.” Let’s just say he doesn’t disagree.
Unlike most shows where people dig their own graves and such in twenty minutes without breaking a sweat, it takes Walt all day and plenty of the night to get the job done. After much back-breaking labour, he drops the barrels in the hole and covers them back up. Then he uses his GPS to figure out the coordinates of the spot he’s in, and commits the numbers to memory before breaking the GPS to smithereenies. Our Walt, he’s a smartie. If you haven’t noticed. Also, do you think anyone in New Mexico will try to find this place through the coordinates? I certainly hope so!
He drags his weary ass home, where he attempts to take a shower as Skyler tries to talk to him about the Tumultuous Day of Eventful Events. He replies by passing out on the floor in his tighty whities, and that’s when Skyler realizes that Hank was right about the cancer coming back. She wraps him in a blanket right there in the bathroom, and lets him sleep. When he wakes up she asks him if the cancer is back. “Is this it?” “Does that make you happy?” he asks, no doubt thinking about the time she assured him it would. She swallows tears. “I can’t remember the last time I was happy.” This is beyond heartbreaking, that the things he did to help his family has utterly destroyed it. He accepts this awful truth, and tells her that he knows she’s made a deal with Hank, and he’ll turn himself in if she just promises to keep the money for the kids. “Please don’t let me have done all this for nothing.” And just like that, we can’t help but have sympathy for Walter White again. Damn you, Bryan Cranston and Vince Gilligan!
But Skyler has some surprises left for us as well. Instead of weeping (more) and gnashing her teeth and flailing, she wonders how Hank found out (Walt sheepishly yet figuratively puts up his hand), how much – or should she say how little – Hank knows, and what their next move should be to outsmart him. Walt looks at her like: O___o. The game isn’t over yet, it seems.
This drama isn’t playing out in a vacuum, dear readers, as there are other cogs in this machine. Lydia takes a field trip to the new meth lab (a an filthy underground hell hole that would make Gus and Gale turn over in their unmarked graves) to talk to the idiots who are ruining her good thing by making bad meth. The thing is, they don’t care if it’s bad quality. They don’t care if her overseas market is balking, and they sure as hell don’t care that she wants sweet, crazy-assed Todd to take over as cook. Which clearly explains why she arranged to have Todd and his uncle of doom show up right about then and shoot everybody dead while Lydia cowers in the underground lab. When Todd tells her it’s okay to come out, she doesn’t want to see the icky bloodshed so he leads her to her car with her eyes closed. I mean, she’s dressed way too nicely to see corpses strewn about like beached whales that have been shot in the blowhole! Todd is delightfully solicitous of her feelings. He’s a great kid, when he’s not murdering people in cold blood without even flinching.
The next morning Hank and Marie have their own heart-to-heart as to what their next move should be. She wants him to tell the DEA what he knows, but she doesn’t understand: when the powers that be find out Hank’s own brother-in-law is Heisenberg, and has been lolling under Hank’s nose for a year or more, Hank’s career is over. He’s damn well going to go out with a bang when and if it happens. Even if it’s the end of his job, Hank is going to walk in there with proof, not speculation, and he’s at least going to be The One Who Caught Heisenberg. Thus, the stakes are raised yet again. This is a war with everything on the line for both men.
Nevertheless, Hank goes in to the office to talk to his superior officer. But before he can do that, he finds out Jess Pinkman has been picked up after being found with millions of dollars in drug money with him. Oh ho! Hank forgot about Jesse and his ties to Walt. Suddenly, a lifeline! If he can get Jesse to flip he’s going to have all the evidence he needs to put Walt in jail for the rest of his admittedly short life. But will Jesse turn on his
dad ex-friend?!? Hank opens the door to the interrogation room and shuts it behind him.
Fade to black.