Throw a party, toss off your grumpiness; hellatus is over and season 9 is here.
We open the episode with Sam and Dean cruising in the Impala discussing rain of angels. Sam is ready to deal with it, Dean is gruff and distant. Okay, so it’s a kinda depressing party.
You really are back Supernatural!
Sam can’t handle Dean’s attitude and asks him what his major malfunction is. Dean lays it out; he’s not sure how or why but Sam died back at that church. Sam scoffs. Because that’s what you do when you’ve died a bunch of times, you scoff at the very notion of it.
Turns out we’re not actually in the Impala. We’re in Sam’s head while Sam’s body is tucked into a hospital bed, red-rim eyed brother watching over him and watching the news about this mysterious global meteor shower. The doctor breaks down Sam’s ailments for Dean, basically all of Sam’s circuits are fried and his body is in a protective coma. The doctor lets Dean know that there’s no pill or potion that will fix this; Sam is steamed broccoli. And Dean is angry, hurt, lost and PISSED.
The doc tells Dean that this is in God’s hands now. Spoiler alert doc: God went on a hunting trip and he hasn’t been back for a few years. Thankfully, hospitals have chapels and Dean has an angel on speed dial, so Dean does what he does best; he prays to Castiel to fix Sam.
Except we know what Dean doesn’t, that Castiel’s angel smoke is hanging out in a little vial on Metatron’s desk. Dean waits about four seconds for Castiel to grace him with his presence before sending out an open call audition for any angel willing to help. First one to the hospital gets an IOU from Dean Winchester himself. We see several angels perk up their ears and race to the rescue. I really hope the hot drifter angel gets there first. Amazingly, no one else in the chapel finds it odd that the angry dude with the swallowed glass voice is praying with self-appointed priority.
Back in Sam’s head Dean is trying to soothe Sam’s worries. I mean, it’s just death, it’s not like they’re dealing with anything permanent. Sam is being stubborn so Dean lets him in on a little secret, the reason he knows all this is true is because they are the Eggman and the Walrus. It’s the Drinker’s Paradox Theorem. Dean assures Sam that he’s working on a way to fix this.
If this Dean is Sam and Sam!Sam is projecting that Sam!Dean is looking for a way to get him better, does that mean that Sam subconsciously knows that Dean!Dean will always try to find a way? And that all the fight and strength Sam has within himself he manifests as Dean because he sees Dean as their strength? I’m gonna go with yes and count that as a checkmark in the “Sam’s unwaveringly faith in Dean” category. Unfortunately, Sam is questioning whether or not he should even be fighting at all. Luckily, Bobby pops up out of no-freaking-where and chimes in. Backseat mind driver.
Castiel is wandering the mountains with the screeching of angels in his head and nearly gets himself run over. He marvels at the pain of a scraped palm as if he’s never been in pain before. The guy that almost pancaked him offers him a lift and Castiel gratefully takes it considering his wings have been clipped. The man is clearly thinking this guy is a few bottles short of stocked bar, but is feeling like a Good Samaritan nonetheless. When he drops Castiel off in town he offers him some money for the phone and maybe a sandwich. Castiel insists that he doesn’t eat, but the guy convinces him that being delusional works up an appetite so Castiel takes the charity gracefully. Bummer that he doesn’t notice the chick in the truck clocking his every move, he’s too busy threatening a biker twice his size for phone rights. The biker almost finds it adorable when Cas two-finger salutes him on the forehead. Cas is going in for the sleeper tap, but all he gets is fritzed out reception. As he walks away perplexed the girl from before introduces herself. She’s Hael and she’s not sure if she’s angel or not, but what she is sure of is that he is Castiel.
Back in Sam’s head Sam!Dean is arguing with Sam!Bobby about the logic of not fighting for his life, Sam!Sam says that it’s not that he wants to die, he just wonders if it’s his time, Sam!Dean tells Sam!Sam to shut up and then snarks at Sam!Bobby for the hell rescue, but Sam!Bobby reminds Sam!Dean that it was Sam!Sam who finagled that jailbreak. Frankly, as much as I loved John Winchester, I’m relieved that we didn’t have to deal with Sam!John in Sam!Sam’s head.
Sam!Bobby reminds Sam!WinchesterBrothers that they always do stupid shit like selling their souls, Sam!Dean is like, “darn tootin’ we do and I’mma do it again”, Sam!Bobby is all, “idjits”, and Sam!Sam is like, “SHUT UP I CAN’T HEAR MYSELF THINK”… but, um, this entire conversation is you thinking to yourself Sam!Sam, so maybe you should just hear you out a bit because you actually have valid points on both sides. Sam!Dean and Sam!Bobby continue to argue so Sam!Bobby teleports himself and Sam!Sam out of the Impala and into some very peaceful woods.
In the hospital room, Dean waits for his port in a storm to show up but all he gets is the resident grief counselor there to walk him through the inevitable. Inevitable? You keep using that word lady. The Winchesters don’t think it means what you think it means. She’s trying to tell Dean that science trumps faith unless Dean has angels on call. It occurs to Dean, since neither Castiel nor any winged jerkfaces have shown up to help him that his name might not mean what he thinks it means in heaven. He does, however, have the King of Hell in his trunk and that’s gotta be almost as good if not better. The grief counselor is really, REALLY, hoping that Dean is speaking in poetic metaphors. She’s got a lot to learn. Dean’s playing once for yes/twice for no with Crowley, because Dean may be desperate, but he’s not dumb enough to pop that trunk when he suddenly finds his jugular on the business end of an angel blade.
Seriously, when it comes to suffering Dean is right up there with Elizabeth Taylor.
Hot drifter angel is just in time to save Dean’s trachea from being turned inside out by reasoning with stuffy suit angel, but stuffy suit angel is a douche and opts to throw blows. And so we watch two angels fight like drunken frat boys. Dean saves hot drifter angel by knifing stuffy suit angel to death.
Where do fallen angels go when they die?
Anyway, hot drifter angel tells Dean he heard his prayer and was there to help. Then he promptly passed out and awoke in a ring of holy fire. Dean Winchester ain’t no fool. Hot drifter angel claims he’s in it for the right reasons. He also says he’s weak and hurt.
I smell a compromise brewing.
Sam!Sam and Sam!Bobby are discussing the idea of fighting what you can’t punch. What’s the point in right-hooking when you’re shadowboxing? Sam!Sam is using Sam!Bobby to finally admit that he’s done a heap of good and maybe he earned the rest death will provide.
Dean and hot drifter angel are sussing out the potential of their partnership when the negotiation are interrupted by Dean’s phone ringing. I’ve always wondered why Castiel even has Dean’s phone number. This is like, what; the third time he calls him? Assuming Dean even has the same phone number each time. Why would an angel even need that information? Let alone retain it?
Anyway, first thing Cas tells Dean is that Metatron tricked him (I guessing this was to preempt any lectures that Dean may give. Because Dean does that. He lectures.), he also tells Dean that Metatron took his grace away, but that he’s still got a mission, he’s going to help the angels he screwed out of a home. Dean is not on board, he thinks that helping angels is the common denominator issue in Castiel’s life. I’m confused again, why shouldn’t Castiel want to help angels and heaven? They are his brethren and that is his home. Dean insists that Castiel needs to take care of himself because he’s human and squashable. Castiel reiterates that he’s fine; he’s still not even hungry. The back and forth is cut short by an angel earthquake at the hospital. This is what happens when DEAN WINCHESTER prays.
Ezekiel (that’s hot drifter angel’s name, Castiel said he’s a homie, so for now let’s just trust him) tells Dean they gotta bail, but Dean’s not risking Sam so he grabs the nearest sharpie and starts angel-proofing the room. Zeke is kinda impressed. Dean leaves Zeke with strict instructions to take care of Sam above all and ventures out into the exploding hospital halls. Turns out the grief counselor is an angel, the dick kind. She and John Deere want to know where Castiel is. So not a priority guys. They threaten Sam (hello priority!) and beat Dean up, as if any of that will help their cause.
Over in Colorado, Hael is trying to convince Castiel to take her with him. He gently tells her he doesn’t want her tagging along to hang out with his cool friend, she might not fit in, y’know? Hael doesn’t accept being left out of the clique and whacks Castiel over the head with a two-by-four. A little extreme, but she’s young and impetuous. She kidnaps his unconscious form and when he comes to she tells him she needs him. It’s all a bit Misery, if you ask me. Her vessel is pulling a Nick-as-Lucifer, but she figures if she and Cas merge her problems are solved.
Sam!Sam and Sam!Bobby reach an understanding… just as Sam!Dean stabs Sam!Bobby in the back. Now both Winchesters have stabbed and killed a not!Bobby, even stevens. Sam!Dean bullies Sam into fighting, he also mentions a house and the he and himself both know what awaits, but Sam!Sam is resigned. With a pat on the check he disappers Sam!Dean into vapor and faces the house. Inside the house with the wagon wheel chandelier (everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor but they couldn’t possibly all have good taste) is Death in the Sam!brain flesh. He’s been waiting for Sam for like 7 seasons now.
Dean manages to covertly draw an angel-go-home sigil in his own blood, but briefly wonders aloud where the angels will go if the gate home is locked and bolted. No time to worry about that, they’re gone and Dean can get back to Sam. Unfortunately, Sam’s machinery is going berserk and Ezekiel is too weak from the injuries and the sigils to be of any freaking help at all. Unless…
No, no Dean would not want that.
I mean, there is ONE thing…
But no! Sam wouldn’t allow it either.
He’ll just leave you here, Dean, to say your good-byes.
Pffft! As if Dean’s gonna hack even one moment of dealing with that potential reality. Nope. Nope. Nope.
To drive the point home, Zeke gives Dean a peek into Sam’s head. Sam and Death are having a mutual admiration society meeting, wherein Death gives Sam his props and Sam requests that if and when he goes willingly with Death that Dean has to abide by the rule #2.04: what’s dead should stay dead. Piece of cake, upside down. Except Dean’s not having it. Ezekiel proposes that he inhabit Sam and heals Sam from within while healing himself. It’s a bum deal, but Dean takes it.
I really hope Zeke heals Dean’s face before he gets him peanut butter in Sam’s jelly.
Meanwhile, Castiel forms a completely dangerous plan to get away from Hael. He buckles up for safety then Jesus-takes-the-wheel right into some cement blocks. Hael’s vessel is flung from the car; as she sits there, broken and paralyzed she pleads with Castiel to let her into his vessel. He declines, obviously. She turns vicious again, swears she will tell every angel where to find him. So he stabs her with the angel blade. His first kill as a human. Sam and Dean would be so proud.
Sam and Death are preparing for Sam’s last breath when Dean shows up to wrench up the works. Sam doesn’t want to fight, not for his life, not with Dean, not at all. Dean begs Sam and tells Death that it’s not Sam’s time. Instead of laughing in Dean’s face Death says that decision is up to Sam. Dean reminds Sam that they just got brother betrothed in that church and here’s Sam cutting right to the death do us part section of the bargain. Death is like, “oh balls! These Winchesters keep leading me to water, but never let me reap. And no one even brought me any snacks this time.”
Sam accepts Dean’s plea, but just as he does Dean clasps his hand on his shoulder and turns into Ezekiel, much to Sam’s surprise. Now Zeke’s hot drifter vessel is confused on a hospital bed and Dean is walking around with an angel that’s wearing his brother. Zeke!Sam informs Dean that they cannot tell Sam what Dean did because Sam has the power to boot Ezekiel out and if he does that then Sam will die. If you had “ONE BROTHER KEEPS A SECRET FROM THE OTHER” on your bingo sheet, mark that square.
Castiel, now unable to angelically Tide his clothes to perfection heads to the nearest Laundromat. He strips down to his skivvies and we find out that he chose his vessel very wisely. Sadly, as he’s about to start his cycle he spies a vending machine. Clean clothes or sustenance, it’s a tough call. He chooses the allure of processed food and bottle water behind glass, steals some clothing and wanders into the night.
The episode ends the way it began; Sam and Dean in the Impala. The episode ends just like the Pilot did.
We got work to do.
What did you think of the season 9 premiere? Yay? Nay? Meh? Discuss!