Previously: XANDER WAS HOT.
The Master and The Anointed one are sitting in the evil underground lair. Remember the Anointed One? The little kid from the bus? He’s the Anointed One and it isn’t a good thing for Buffy, who totally thinks The Anointed One is dead.
The Master is pissed that Buffy killed one of his minions. He asks The Anointed One, who’s name is Colin, what he’d do. “I’d annihilate her,” he says, rather matter-of-factly, and continues tossing rocks into some sort of evil lair pond of blood. This evil lair has everything! Oh wait, that’s the pond the Master rose out of. Right.
Darla reeeeeeally wants to kill Buffy but the Master decides to send ‘the Three’ instead. Darla looks impressed. I guess the Three are pretty badass.
Oh, here’s the Three striding down the street. They’re vampires dressed in medieval armour. LAME.
Buffy and Willow are hanging out at the Bronze. QUELLE SUPRISE. The Bronze is having it’s annual fumigation party-kill a cockroach, get a free drink. It’s not so annual as we never hear it happen again. Maybe this was the last one.
Willow is chattering on in her Willow way but Buffy has a sad about Angel and is only half listening. QUELLE SURPRISE.
Buffy lacks a guy, namely Angel. She’s got it bad for him, saying that when he’s around the lights dim. Then she asks Willow if she knows how that happens with some guys. UM. YES. Yes Buffy. Willow knows, as she has continuously talked about how she is coo-coo for Xander’s cocoa puffs. God.
Willow looks over with dreamy eyes at the dance floor where Xander is dancing like a complete buffoon. He bumps into Cordelia who mocks him for trying to dance-hit on a girl and failing.
Xander: Oh, you saw that. Well, thanks for being so understanding and I don’t know what everyone’s talking about, that outfit doesn’t make you look like a hooker.
Haha, oh Xander.
He joins his pals and they’re no fun at all, bemoaning their lack of love life. When Buffy calls it a night and gets up to leave the other two try to get her to stay but Buffy has some alone time penciled in for herself, complete with mooning over Angel. She starts walking out.
But oh, what is this? As she starts walking we see that Angel/David Borderline Personality Disorder is lurking in the stairway in the creepiest way imaginable. Seriously, who was in charge of lighting this shot? He looks terrifying!
Buffy senses something and turns to look but he’s gone.
She walks home through what can only be described as Detroit, with the scary, ominious street and constant background police siren sounds. She knows she’s being followed and just is NOT IN THE MOOD. She stops and demands he show himself. One of the Three jumps into frame behind her. Buffy goes to grab her stake-rather sloppily if you ask me-but she’s grabbed by the other two. Luckily Buffy knows a few moves and kicks the first one in the balls. Ha! Oldest trick in the book. Apparently vamps have balls (don’t we know it! Wink wink) and he goes down. However, they still manage to grab Buffy again and hold her still. This doesn’t look good for the ole Buff.
Credits! Da da da da da da-da-DAH! Guitar strum strum strum strum strah-strum-strum!
Buffy’s about to get bitten when who comes to save the day but Angel! Fight fight, fight. Angel gets slashed in the ribs with a piece of fence but they manage to break free and run like hell to Buffy’s house. She opens the door and tells Angel to get in, slamming it shut just as the Three race up. No worries, they can’t get in cause they weren’t invited.
The Three back away, growling. Buffy tells Angel to take of his shirt because she’s going to fix his wounds. HA! We all know she just wants to see him shirtless. Me too, Buffy. Me too. I mean, wait, shouldn’t she be concerned that Joyce might come home and get promptly murdered by the Three who are probably still hanging outside the house, waiting for them to come out? But…shirtless Angel…Hmmmm. I see your point, Buffy.
Angel/David Bordello takes off his shirt and Buffy stares at him like a fat kid staring at cake. Mmmm, cake. Yeah, Angel looks good. I admit it.
Buffy stands as close as humanly possible and dresses his wounds. The two look like they’re about to make out at any given moment and can you blame them? LOOK AT THE HOT.
Buffy’s all, hey were you following me, I thought I sensed you and Angel/David Boresome is all, no why would I do that, silly billy? I just happened to be out for a walk. Yeah, I remember when I used to ‘happen’ to walk by all the places I thought my high school crush would be but then again I was 15, not 200+ years old ANGEL.
Things are just starting to get flirty when Buffy hears Joyce come in the front door. I guess it’s all clear, thanks for keeping your eyes open for your Mom, Slayer.
Buffy wants to get rid of her Mom so she can keep staring at Angel’s beautiful chest. She suggests that Joyce gets into bed so she can bring her a cup of hot tea. Joyce isn’t 100% fooled, especially when Angel walks into the room. He’s put his shirt back on, which is a nice gesture but how awesome would it have been if he’d walked into the scene shirtless? Awk-ward.
Joyce and Angel say hi to each other and Buffy makes some uncomfortable introductions. Joyce is polite but stern and it’s obvious that it’s time for these two lovebirds to say goodnight. Joyce goes upstairs to give them some goodbye privacy. OOOOH.
Buffy yells goodnight out the front door and closes it, revealing Angel behind it. Sneaky! She leads him up the stairs to her room. Looks like it’s makeout time after all!
Buffy pretends that she’s keeping him in her room because of the Three that might still be out there. YEAH. OKAY. But Joyce can walk up to the house unguarded.
Angel is a gentleman and looks outside for the vamps as Buffy gets ready for bed. She asks him about his family, but they’re all dead. Vampires did it. She walks over to him, all cute in her jammies and Angel says she looks pretty even when she goes to sleep. ROMANCE.
Angel lays down on the floor and Buffy in her bed. She asks him if he snores and he replies that he’s not sure. It’s been a long time since he’s been in a position to let him know. Buffy smiles, pleased.
In the library the next day, Buffy tells the gang all about what happened. Willow thinks it’s all very romantic but Xander is choked. Buffy brags that Angel was a prefect gentleman. DUH! Xander says. It’s the oldest seduction trick in the book. Guys will do anything to impress a girl. Like the time Xander drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath.
Willow backs him up on how impressive that move was, despite the hurling that happened afterwards. God Willow, don’t you ever get tired of watching Xander try to impress other girls? Answer: no.
Giles has had enough of this high school banter and shows Buffy a book with a picture of the Three in it, asking if these were the vamps that attacked her. She tells him yes.
Giles is worried about the Three, saying that Buffy must really be hurting the Master for him to send the big guns out to get her. He wants to step up her training with weapons.
Xander wants Buffy to stay at his house until the Three are taken care off. He volunteers Willow to go to Buffy’s house and tell Angel to get out of town, fast. Nice try, Xander, but Giles lets them know that Angel and Buffy aren’t in immediate danger. Since the Three failed they will offer up their own lives as penance. Wow, that was fast. I guess they only get one shot at it.
In the evil underground lair, the Three kneel before the Master, saying that their lives are in his hands. The Master acts like he’s not going to kill them, giving a staff to Darla and walking away with the Anointed One. He says that taking their lives would give him little joy and one of the Three looks up hopefully. Darla gleefully stakes him from behind with the spear and he dusts. “Of course, sometimes a little is enough,” the Master tells Colin. SO EVIL.
Training time! With weapons!
Giles puts a ‘closed for filing’ sign on the library door as Buffy looks over the array of weapons. She’s thrilled and chooses a crossbow, asking what she can shoot. Giles takes it away, telling her she will be shooting nothing until she proves herself with the basic tools of combat, starting with the quarterstaff. He’s trained extensively with it. HAHA.
Buffy rightly points out that she won’t be fighting Friar Tuck and Giles informs her that she’ll never know who or what she’ll be fighting. He promises that they can discuss the crossbow once she’s shown some good, steady progress with the quarterstaff and tells her to put on her protective padding, just like he has on.
Buffy literally scoffs. “I’m not gonna need pads to fight you.”
Giles is confident in his quarterstaff skills. “We’ll see about that.”
They spar and Buffy promptly kicks his ass, smacking him in the face, the ribs, and finally sweeps his feet out from him, knocking him to the ground. She leans on her quarterstaff and looks down at him as he lays there in pain. He can’t even move as he pants, “Good. Let’s move onto the crossbow.”
It’s night and Buffy goes to her room. She softly calls Angel’s name and he steps out of the shadows, startling her. Yeah, that wasn’t creepy.
She’s brought him a plastic baggie full of dinner. He takes it and looks at it like she’s just given him a Rubix Cube. Buffy asks him what he did all day and Angel tells her he did a little light reading and thought. A lot. About THINGS.
He’s just about to say something important when Buffy looks over and notices that her diary is out of the drawer. She can’t believe he read her innermost private thoughts!!
Buffy: That is not okay, a diary is a person’s most private place and you don’t even know what I was writing about! “Hunk” can mean a lot of things, bad things, and where it says your eyes are “penetrating” I meant to write “bulgy”. And for your information “A” does not stand for Angel, it stands for . . . Achmed, a charming foreign exchange student and so that whole fantasy part has nothing to do with-
Angel finally cuts off her rant and lets her know that Joyce moved her diary while she was tidying up and he hid in the closet and he didn’t read her diary. Buffy looks mortified.
Angel tries to continue his talk about how he did a lot of thinking today and Buffy is only half listening. He says he can’t really be around her as all he wants to do is kiss her. This gets Buffy’s attention. ROMANCE.
There’s a lot of trailing off as they look dreamily into each other’s eyes.
Angel’s older than her and he says this can’t ever…
Buffy asks how much older…
They drift towards each other and…
Things get passionate and the kissing gets, like, real. But wait! Angel breaks away and turns his head from her. What’s wrong? Oh nothing, just THIS:
Angel dives out the window (hahahahahahaha) as a concerned Joyce runs in the room. Buffy gives her some lame excuse that she saw a shadow and looks out the window but he’s gone.
Can a vampire be good? Ever? Buffy wants to know. She asks Giles the next day at school but she doesn’t get the answer she was hoping for. He tells her that a vampire may have the memories, movements and personality of the human they took over but it’s just a demon. An evil, evil demon. Don’t even get me started on this argument. NO I SAID! :P
Xander’s all for Buffy slaying Angel. Too soon, Xander. Too soon. Buffy’s kinda in love with Angel. Xander is not pleased.
Angel goes to his secret, myserious home, probably to start brooding and stuff. He turns on his lamp and looks up, asking, “Who’s here?” Darla steps out of the shadows-these vamps and their shadows-and says to him, “It’s been a while.”
Looks like these two know each other. Darla brings up the good ole days when they maimed and killed. Sounds like Angel was pretty nasty back then.
Darla isn’t impressed that Angel’s killing vampires like a human. She tells him he’s not one of them and raises the blinds to let the sunlight in. Angel flinches away and looks at her. “No, but I’m not exactly one of you either.” TOUCHÉ, Angel.
Darla marches over to his fridge and opens it to reveal bags of blood. TOUCHÉ, Darla!
Darla does the classic bad girl dialogue: I know what you are, I know what you need, you can’t suppress the real you, you know where I am blah blah blah. She mentions the ‘curse’ and suggests he tells Buffy about it. She leaves and Angel brooooooods.
The gang researches like crazy in the library and Giles finally finds the information about Angel by reading the diaries of the Watchers that came before him. Turns out Angel’s real name is Angelus and he’s only about 240 years old. Buffy gives a small laugh at that. Yeah, he’s older than her all right.
Angelus left Ireland and went on a killing spree in Europe for a few decades. Then, much like Eddie Murphy, he came to America. Unlike Eddie Murphy, Angel kept a low profile. Also, just like Buffy, Eddie Murphy used a quarterstaff. Coincidence? I think not. Tune in next week for: Eddie Murphy, Vampire Slayer in America. He plays all the roles.
There’s no records of Angel killing in America so Willow, always the supportive friend, insists that means Angel is a good vampire. Giles points out that just because there’s no record it doesn’t mean he didn’t kill and feed.
Buffy points out that Angel could’ve fed on her but didn’t. Xander, being his most jealous Xander, asks Giles what Angel was like before he came here. Giles admits that Angel was a total asshole killer.
Meanwhile, down in the evil underground lair, Darla has a plan for the Master. She wants Angel to kill the Slayer and come back to their clan. The Master ooohs over this, saying that Angel was the most vicious creature he’s ever met. Oh, how he misses him. ROMANCE.
The Master asks Darla why Angel would ever kill the Slayer when he has love feels for her and Darla replies, “To keep her from killing him.”
The Master loves this plan. He turns to the Anointed Colin and points out that this is how a family functions, for the common good. Anointed Colin just sits there in his stupid hoodie, making stupid faces as he stupid listens. This Anointed One hasn’t really done anything evil. He better step it up.
Willow and Buffy are studying for history and by studying I mean talking about Dreamycakes Angel the Superhottie. Willow confesses that sometimes she fantasizes about Xander just grabbing her and kissing her. On the MOUTH. I love that she had to add that part.
Buffy correctly tells Willow that if she wants Xander then she needs to speak up. This suggestion makes Willow almost hurl in terror. “No no no no! No speaking up! That way leads to madness and sweaty palms.”
Willow wants to know what it was like kissing Angel/David Borenecking. Buffy admits it was AMAZEBALLS. But wait, who’s lurking in the library shelves, listening in on their conversation? No, not Xander. And no, not Angel. Darla. It’s Darla and she doesn’t look too pleased to hear how awesomeujhoifv it was kissing Angel. The word ‘awesomeujhoify’ is courtesy of one of my cats walking across my keyboard as I typed. I felt it was fitting.
Willow gushes that Angel will stay young and hot forever (I guess she never watched ‘Angel’ or ‘Bones’) and that Buffy will wrinkle and die and the kids…she trails off, guilty. Buffy tells her to continue as she needs to get over Angel so she can…you know…do what a Slayer has to do to a vampire. She means slay, not lay. This pleases Darla and she slinks away with a nasty grin.
Joyce is sitting in her kitchen, drinking coffee and doing whatever TV moms do. You know, paying bills or going over her taxes. Adult stuff. Actually, it’s probably gallery stuff. God knows that’s all Joyce talks about. Gallery this, gallery that.
Joyce hears a creeping noise and gets up to look out the back door. She looks but here’s nothing there so she turns away. Nothing there except THIS TERRIFYING THING:
There’s a knock on the door and Joyce opens it to reveal schoolgirl Darla. Darla introduces herself as Buffy’s friend and says she’s here to study with Buffy. Joyce invites her to wait inside. NOOOOOOOOOOO. Pleased, Darla comes inside and thanks Joyce for inviting her in. Joyce says she’s been ‘wrestling with the I.R.S. all night’ and omg I was just being sarcastic about the tax joke. *high fives myself*
Joyce asks Darla if she’d like something to eat and Darla’s like yes as she vamps out and follows her into the kitchen.
Guess who’s lurking outside the Summers’ house? Yes, this time it’s Angel. He hears Joyce scream and runs inside to find her bitten and unconscious in Darla’s arms. He tells Darla to let her go and she taunts him, asking him if he wants some. She can see that he’s just a little bit tempted and shoved Joyce at him. He catches her and looks at her neck, breathing heavily. He can’t help himself and vamps out as he stares at the drops of blood from the bite. Darla is pleased and leaves, welcoming him ‘home’.
Angel puts his head down, and let’s just point out that it sure looks like he’s about to bite Joyce. I’d even go as far as to say that the only reason he doesn’t is cause Buffy walks in to find him in this highly compromising position:
Buffy throws Angel out the window and uninvites him from her house. She furiously says she’ll kill him if she ever sees him again. This is total bull. As if she wouldn’t have staked him for trying to kill her Mom but WHATEVER. I will give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn’t have time to waste fighting and needs to help her Mom.
Angel leaves to brood. :’(
Buffy calls 911. For some reason Willow and Xander show up and are all WHAAAAAAAAA?
At the hospital, Joyce is confused. The doctor says it looks like she fell on a BBQ fork…but they don’t have a BBQ fork. She remembers Buffy’s friend coming over and that she was about to make a snack and Buffy totally thinks she’s talking about Angel.
Giles walks in, making Joyce even more confused. She’s impressed with the level of concern from the teachers in this town when Buffy introduces him. Joyce, since you’re woozy from the loss of blood I will let it go.
The gang leaves Joyce to rest. Buffy is full of self-loathing, blaming herself for this. She remembers that Angel said he lived nearby the Bronze when he helped her fight the Three (RIP Three! We’ll never forget y-) and decides to go look for him. Giles warns her to be careful, as Angel is no ordinary vampire.
Buffy goes and gets her new favorite friend: her crossbow. She practices a quick shot at a poster, getting the picture right in the heart. She’s ready.
Darla is at Angel’s, taunting him, telling him that Buffy would never understand him. She wants him to accept who he is-a killer. He’s finally had enough of her yammering in his face and throws her against the wall, holding her wrists over her head. He tells her he wants this finished. She says that’s good and that he’s hurting her. She gets pretty excited about the pain, “That’s good too.” Kinky!
Buffy goes to the Bronze and hears the sound of glass breaking. She walks towards it and sees a metal ladder attached to the side of the building. She climbs.
Giles is keeping Joyce company in her hospital room. Joyce is appreciative of Giles, saying that Buffy talks about him all the time. She worries that Buffy is having so much trouble with her history class even though she studies with both Willow AND Darla. Giles frowns. Darla? Joyce confirms that Darla is the friend that came over tonight and Giles is immediately concerned and leaves with the pretense of making sure Buffy’s ‘friend’ Darla is okay, grabbing Xander and Willow as he goes.
Inside the Bronze, Buffy is looking for Angel. She tells the empty room that she knows he’s in there. Angel says, “Let’s get it done.” Then, in a terrible, cheap looking slow-motion shot, he runs by her and jumps on the pool table. She shoots and misses as he jumps up to the balcony and then drops behind her, knocking her down. Buffy aims the crossbow at him…and doesn’t shoot OMG why is she pausing?
Angel morphs back into his beautiful, beautiful human face that will never age or get fat. Ever. He tells her to shoot him but she just shoots the wall beside him instead. Well, I guess it’s years of Bangel angst for all of us now.
Buffy wants to know why he didn’t kill her when she had the chance. She’s still pretty mad about that whole trying to kill her Mom thing too. Angel’s angry. He tells her that he was the one to kill his family so why not kill hers?
For a hundred years he killed, until he made the mistake of feeding on a gypsy girl. Her family cursed him by giving him a soul and really, really poofy hair. That hair can only be tamed with a ton of gel and the soul gave him a conscience to make him feel what he’d done all those years. Oh and P.S., he hasn’t fed on a human since.
Buffy points out her Mom got totes bitten by him and he tells her he never bit her. She believes him because loooooooove.
Angel confesses that he wanted to bite, just like he wants to bite tonight. Buffy puts her crossbow down and walks over, offering her neck. He doesn’t move because loooooooooove.
Just then, Darla shows up. She used to love Angel too you guys! She still does! ANd she’s the one who sired Angel! They have a long, passionate backstory that we’ll never hear about on this show so tune in to ‘Angel’ in a few years cause that episode is fantastic! Buffy is jelly and says Darla is old unlike Buffy who is young and fresh. Wow, catty, Buffy.
Darla’s going to kill Buffy in front of Angel. Instead of, oh I don’t know, immediately attacking and fighting Darla, Angel stands and stares at her. It’s not nearly as hot as Xander’s Possessed Stares.
Buffy kicks her crossbow up to her hands but she doesn’t shoot because wtf show? She just points the thing at Darla, who laughs and shows what she has behind her back: two big-ass guns.
She’s so much smarter than those other idiots because she immediately starts shooting. That’s what you do, guys. Shoot. Not banter.
She shoots Angel and he collapses in pain. Apparently bullets hurt like a bitch but can’t kill vamps. They must really hurt because he’s writhing on the ground like a wuss.
In comparison, Darla takes a crossbow to the lower ribs, pulls it out, and keeps standing. Angel, man-up!
Giles, Willow and Xander arrive and sneak inside. Wow, the Bronze shouldn’t even bother locking their doors at night. Xander wants to distract Darla so Willow shouts, “Buffy! It wasn’t Angel that attacked your Mom, it was Darla!” Darla starts shooting at them instead. God dammit, Willow.
Buffy jumps over the bar and Darla shoots and shoots. How many bullets do these guns have?
Giles hits at a light mixing board and the strobe lights turn on for a cool effect cause…because.
Darla walks up to the bar where Buffy is crouched, telling her to ‘take it like a man!’ Just then Angel, who has finally recovered from one bullet wound, pops up behind her. He stakes her with one of Buffy’s arrows. Bye-bye, Darla! She dusts.
Buffy stands and they stare at each other. Buffy’s eyes are huge and filled with tears. This isn’t the last we’ll see of this expression.
In the evil lair, the Master is freaking out and smashing things. He is SO MAD that Darla is dead. She was his favourite!! And Angel killed her! ANGEL! The Anointed Colin says not to worry, the Master will rise again and together they will kill them all. This soothes the Master and they hold hands and walk away. ROMANCE.
Speaking of ROMANCE, Buffy, Willow and Xander are in the Bronze. I guess the management already fixed all those pesky bullet holes and that smashed glass. They must employ a full-time carpenter/handyman.
Buffy is wearing the giant-ass cross necklace Angel gave her and omg speaking of Angel, there’s Angel. She walks over to talk to him. Willow watches but Xander turns away.
Angel and Buffy both agree they need to walk away from all this ROMANCE. They don’t, of course. Instead, they kiss. Oh those crazy kids.
Xander asks what’s going on and Willow says, “…nothing!” Xander is happy. “Well, as long as they’re not kissing!” Erm.
Buffy and Angel finally stop macking.
Buffy: Are you okay?
Angel: It’s just…
Buffy: Painful. I know. I’ll see you around.
Angel watches her walk away. THERE IS SO MUCH ANGSTY ROMANCE YOU GUYS. The camera pans down to show Angel’s chest. The cross has burned into his skin but he can take the pain for her. He can take it. Thank god it wasn’t a bullet, though