Walking Dead 4.15 – Us

AND BRING CONDOMS :D /sexy bass line

AND BRING CONDOMS :D /sexy bass line

Previously! In this penultimate episode, we had theories on dinosaurs, sad and lonely Tom cats, reunions, and no sign of Beth…OR WAS THERE? Also, you didn’t think I would go into this recap without telling you how to make a penny battery, did you? Oh, have I got protips for you. AND THEORIES. Let’s dive in.

 

We bounce round between stories of some of our groups, starting with Nobel Hair Prize wikipedia-ing Tara to death about theories on what wiped out the dinosaurs. AND WHAT IF IT WAS A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE? That’s the coolest idea ever. But Dr. Camaro Cut doesn’t actually think that’s what happened. Tara: I don’t caaaaaaaaaaaare. They spy a smashed penny on the tracks, leading Nobel Hair Prize to get “excited” about the possibility of making a battery.

Protip: Make a Penny Battery! Supplies needed: odd number of US pennies, from 1982 to now. (This is due to the metal composition.) Scrape off the copper on the HEADS side of all but one of your coins to expose the Zinc – it’s gotta be on top. The one you didn’t scrape is the topmost penny. Or alternate between pennies and dimes, no scraping! You need electrolytes (salt water, Gatorade or vinegar and water) and cardboard cut to mimic the same shape of the pennies – soak them in the salt water, and stack them up penny-cardboard-penny with the unscratched penny on top. Put your wire leads top and bottom, hook them up to your little LED light (they use less volts) and you’ve got a little night light.

If the cardboard hangs over and touches another penny, it’ll short it out. You can add more pennies/wet cardboard to the stack to get a higher volt. 5 – 7  pennies = .8 Volts. A 5-cell [5-penny] battery lasts for like, six hours – plenty to get you through, say, a dark train tunnel. This is a wet cell, so like that car battery Daryl fixed that I told you about, you gotta keep that cardboard moist with salt water for this to work.

Want to kick this into high gear? Get a plastic canister, like the kind film used to come in. Poke a hole small enough in the top and bottom to feed the wire lead into. Tape over the hole once you’ve done that to keep it sealed, fix a small LED light to the wires, and you’ve got a hand held flashlight. BOOM. Who’s got two thumbs and should be on your apocalypse team? THIS GAL.

Also, I won’t bore you to death like some people. (So, we all agree Eugene is most likely on the Spectrum, right? I say this as a mother of an autistic child and sister to a woman so deeply autistic that she’s non-verbal due to overwhelming stimulus, so don’t go writing me letters.) “Dr.” Eugene continues to have total recall to other Wiki pages about things (I don’t think he’s a doctor, I think he’s a basement dweller who has a photographic memory of Reddit pages, etc.) and I cannot understand why Abraham is so enamored with this guy. Like, it’s not translating from the screen. Just me?

Dr. Reddit keeps running his mouth day after day until Tara spies a Terminus sign meant for Glenn. Aww! Glenn’s overcome and takes off running, singing Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You.” …maybe wait for the rest of them? No? Carry on.

LITERALLY WITH A BACKPACK FULL OF MAGNUMS I'M COMING BB (and soon you will be, too HEY-O)

LITERALLY WITH A BACKPACK FULL OF MAGNUMS I’M COMING BB (and soon you will be, too, HEY-O)

Rick, Michonne, and Carl’s Group

They’re moving slowly to Terminus, and maybe things would speed up if Michonne and Carl would stop walking a tightrope on the train tracks? They’re playing a game, Michonne acts like she’s never been around a child older than three (probably hasn’t – sorry, this is a thing I have when people don’t know how to be age-appropriate with kids of various ages, ignore me) and loses a bet, having to give over her favorite chocolate bar to Carl. GOD DAMMIT, CARL.

Oh, he shares it with her, that’s nice! Rick beams on his found family, Carl drops the candy wrapper to the ground because he wants to make the world a yucky mess. (I know, it can’t get any worse.) And this is the last time we see Rick – oh, we’re gonna hear about him, though.

WHICH LEADS TO DARYL AND HIS GROUP OF HOODLUMS.

They’re woken up from a nap in the middle of the gee dee woods by a Walker snagging his face on some barbed wire, but don’t see Daryl. HE LEFT! Wait, no, his gear is still there. He’s just out in the woods stalking a rabbit. As he fires, another arrow whizzes past his cheek into the bun.

Other guy sneers, “That’s mine.” Uh, no it isn’t. (And if you watch again, Daryl says “That’s mine” first.) Smeagol, aka other guy, argues over ownership of the rabbit, and even tries to hint that he knows about Beth being kidnapped. He’s all “Was it one of the little ones taken?” which made me think they’d been tracking the prison – or knew about Ty and the girls? IDK, what do you think?

Before Daryl can pull his knife, Joe is there to lend some Wisdom of Solomon – literally. Joe explains that they live by 12 year old boy rules now: CALL IT, IT’S YOURS. Basically you lick the cupcake to claim it, and what the hell, fellas? This is a terrible plan! Joe cuts the rabbit in half and gives Daryl the ass end. (Which frankly has more meat, dummies.)

Later, Joe asks Daryl if he’s sticking with them or what? Because or what is a really bad idea. Daryl just wants to find some decent people, maybe, which is hilarious to Joe. There aren’t any left! You don’t have to like people to live with them. (Daryl l thinks to himself, yeah I know. I grew up that way.)

The rules are simple: as stated already, you claim it, it’s yours. Don’t steal or lie. Simple. If you break those rules, you get a beating, the severity depending on a million factors that will never be in your favor. GOSH, SIGN ME UP.

Because the indoor cats are fixed, you feel me? Might as well hump a cushion. Wait, what?

Because the indoor cats are fixed, you feel me? Might as well hump a cushion. Wait, what?

They find a building to bed down for the night, give it a sweep and call everything before Daryl can. These guys are dicks, sorry. In the morning, Smeagol gets in Daryl’s grill, saying he stole the front half of the rabbit. Joe gets in there.

Joe: Did you?

Daryl: Nawsir, that part’s all sinew and brain. Ain’t looking to catch hydrophoby.

Smeagol: They STOLE it from us! Sneaky, tricksy, FILTHY hobbitses!

Joe: Yeah, you planted it on Daryl like a punk-ass bitch. *whistles to gang* Give him the boots: medium style.

Gang: To the almost death? Got it, boss! *goes overboard*

Daryl: So…you’re head bitch. Got it. (Thinks: I miss Rick.)

They leave a bit later. Daryl sees Smeagol beaten to a bloody pulp outside with an arrow in his head. Yeesh. Joe shares some moonshine with him and tells him the story of Where They’re Going after they pass a Terminus sign. But first!

Protip: Make ya own Hootch – great for trades, bargaining, forgetting about that nice white girl who sang you songs while you slept in a casket. Supplies: in a big ziplock bag, add 8 oranges, peeled and smashed. A can of fruit cocktail, all of it. A piece of bread. About 60 packets of sugar and 4 packets of ketchup. (Or hot sauce if you wanna be fancy with your pinky out. Look, do you wanna go hard, or go home? All right, then.)

Keep this somewhere warm (between your angel wing denim vest and your back, say) and let a little air escape here and there every day so it doesn’t blow up. After a week, drain out the sweet liquid – that’s Pruno, the finest hootch from Cell Block C. Mm, tastes like Mama’s kisses.

The worst thing about prison was the Dementors.

The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. And the toilet wine.

And now, the Tale of Joe’s Hurt Feelers.

Once upon a time a group of lovely, civilized fellas – us – found a house, fair and square. Turns out some jerky interloper was hiding in there, strangled one of our men while he was dropping a deuce, and left him to turn and attack us, sob sob! We clutched our pearls and cried when our friend became a Walker, and barely escaped with our lives. We were so…startled by this act of chicanery and disrespect that we now go in search of yon Bad Guy to make frowny faces at him.

Until he dies from it. The end!

One of the guys (I thought it was Len/Smeagol at first) saw Rick and remembers him – it’s a guy named Tony. They’re following “the guy’s” tracks on the tracks and Daryl’s vision tracks to a discarded candy wrapper that I’m meant to assume he knows is Michonne’s favorite. So he’s put two and two together, and it’s amazing how one person’s POV of a situation can be so clearly wrong (Joe’s). Daryl’s too smart to believe him, though.

My theory: Daryl is sticking with them for now because a) more people = safer, and b) he’s sticking close to find out what happened to Beth. No WAY these guys don’t know something about it. They know about Terminus, so they know stuff. Joe tells Daryl Terminus is a lie, though. Because they’re former bad guys – they won’t be accepted. (Oh, I bet they’d take you in, get you nice and tender, er, settled. And put you to work. Hmm.)

Glenn, Dr. Reddit, Tara, Rosita and Abraham’s Group

They all caught up to Glenn, back in his riot gear, and Abraham orders everyone to stop because “We’re going to rest in that tower–” Walker snarls from inside. “–we’re going to push on.” The Walker falls out of the tower and splats like a watermelon. In his haste to protect Dr. Reddit, Abraham knocks Tara over (JFC) and she has a twisted knee now. She toughs it out, thankfully, and they push on under the rule that Glenn wraps Dr. Reddit in his riot gear (does that mean Glenn will get a Science bonus for putting on Eugene’s things? +5 to Critical Thinking?).

Poor weight displacement there, Abraham. A gallon of water weighs 8 lbs, btw. That's a lot hanging on one shoulder. (Also: each person needs one gallon per day. He's carrying Eugene's. JFC)

Poor weight displacement there, Abraham. A gallon of water weighs 8pounds, btw.  That’s a lot hanging on one shoulder.  (Also: each person needs one gallon per day.  He’s carrying Eugene’s. JFC)

They get to a train tunnel. It’s dark. They don’t have penny battery-flashlights or pine-tar on the end of a stick for a torch. They can hear Walkers inside. And they can’t go over it, gotta go through it. (Or around it.) Tara and Glenn part ways to go through – the sign Maggie’s left outside for him is still wet – and the rest of them will go around and look for a vehicle. Dr. Reddit hits on Tara one last time (she’s GAY, bro -“Yeah, I know!” No, he didn’t.) They share supplies and split up.

Glenn and Tara talk really loudly in that tunnel, and-

Protip: shut the hell up in a tunnel! Your voice is bouncing all over the damn place, maybe waking up things that should stay asleep! Also, cover that doorway, there might be Ghouls in there. Or Stimpacks!

-find the source of the Walkers. It’s a Gabion Wall of Walkers from a cave in. I say start head stabbing and climb up. Oh, Glenn does just that, cool! They walk across the top of the wall and…shit, more Walkers are on the other side. Maggie isn’t one of them, so clearly she made it through somehow. Problem: they’re running low on ammo. Problem #2: Tara is a clutz. She loses her footing as they climb down and gets trapped. GREAT.

Meanwhile, Abraham’s band find a mini-van, dispatch the soccer mom inside, Dr. Reddit Rochambeau’s for Shotgun/Chewie/Navigation rights so Abraham can sleep while Rosita drives. She’s over his shit and agrees just to keep moving. After a series of left turns  (four make a circle, they stop at three), it’s revealed that Dr. Reddit calculated how long it would take Glenn and Tara to get through to where they have just stopped. “After I save the world, I still have to live with myself.”

Hmm, I’m still SERIOUSLY on the fence with this cat. Rosita isn’t sure if this is smart, which leads to a fight between Abraham and her, when Dr. Reddit looks shocked and shouts for their attention. WHAT?!!

Well, it’s not Glenn, because they’re still trying to get Tara loose as Walkers start figuring out how to get to them. Tara screams at Glenn to leave her (me, too) when a light shines on Glenn, Abraham’s voice shouts, “Get down!” and a hail of gunfire erupts, putting down all the Walkers.

AND THEN MAGGIE COMES OUT OF THE DARKNESS AND THERE IS MUCH REJOICING. Cutest apocalypse couple ever. Glenn introduces Tara with a few fibs to keep things from getting awkward (“Hey! Yeah, saw your dad beheaded. Got any water?”), Sasha and Bob are told about the plans to hit DC to “save the world,” when Dr. Reddit says they should stop at Terminus, load up on supplies, find a better car, and maybe recruit people to join them. And Abraham is all, “Okay, boss!”

I know I’m supposed to understand Abraham exists right now for the mission of getting him to DC but I don’t understand WHY. You can’t just TELL me I have to accept it, you need to SHOW me. And for now, it makes no sense to me, other than I’m supposed to just accept this. Well, I don’t.

Meanwhile, Glenn’s all, “Hey babe, I took this picture of you while you were sleeping,” and Maggie goes, “DELETE IT OR I DELETE YOU,” because no one wants a picture of them taken when they’re sleeping, also, she looks dead, also, she thinks they’ll never be separated again so why have that? Aww.

FINALLY. THEY REACH TERMINUS. Big enclosed red-brick series of buildings. And…they just open a gate and go in. Huh. There are plants growing along the street. (Haha, the production company totally went to Home Depot and bought annuals for their bright colors. WHY HYBRID MARIGOLDS? They are ugly and aren’t beneficial. HYBRID, don’t come at me with “you plant them to deter bugs…” You don’t plant HYBRID ones – they don’t have the same chemical makeup.)

They pass a sign that reads “Lower your weapons. You will be met. You have arrived at Terminus.” And that’s when I raise my weapon, look through the scope for snipers on buildings and slowly back away. NOPE. Nuh uh. There is NO ONE as they continue to just unlock gates and walk in. HOW. How is this a sense of security? Why can’t Walkers get in? Why aren’t they at the gates? HERE IS THE CHURCH, THERE IS THE STEEPLE, OPEN UP THE GATES AND WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE? They are in HIDING with TAZERS AND SEASONING SALT.

They pass some sunflowers nodding in the breeze (sunflower seeds make awesome oil that can be used as fuel, BTW) and finally, after rounding a corner, see some lady flipping meat on a giant grill. GET. OUT. GO. DO NOT STAY.

Sigh. The woman approaches them with a gentle smile, happy music plays, and this is our cue that shit is about to hit the fan. “Hi, I’m Mary. Let’s make you a plate.”

I DON’T WANT TO BE A PLATE, MARY, WHO AM I GOING TO BE FEEDING? Yeah, I’m on the cannibal/slaver train here. Use people for labor until they get et up, that’s what this town is for, says I. THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY, GUYS.

MAYBE THIS WAS THE FORESHADOWING AND NOT FOR LIZZIE?!?! Oh my god. Look at her mouth. Yep, I'm all aboard the Cannibal/Slaver train, TOOT TOOT.

THIS WAS THE FORESHADOWING AND IT WASN’T FOR LIZZIE!!! Oh my god. Look at her mouth! Two eyed, one braid, smiling purple people eater.

Theories – I AM SPOILER FREE, REMEMBER THIS: they have Hunters/Slavers (Joe is one of them) who bring in a tender work force/food source. They have spotters who note when people are approaching and everyone clears out, all but sweet-faced Mary. (There was a washing station, a planting station, etc. No people.) As your guard drops and you take your plate (IT’S PEOPLE! SOYLENT MARY IS PEOPLE.) you’re quietly circled, then tagged and bagged.

I DO NOT LIKE THIS. Also: WHERE IS BETH?! OH MY GOD WAS IT BETH ON THAT GRILL, NOOOOO!

Click! One. Episode. Left. It looks like a doozy, too. HOLD ME. (Remember: we are SPOILER FREE here. No comic book talk of what’s to come!!)