Oh, was this show coming back? I almost forgot about it.PREVIOUSLY! Blood! Mayhem! My learning the most valuable lesson of all: if you love it, it will be brutally murdered in front of your face. Good lesson, that. Wow, does the Red Wedding still hurt. *pounds chest* Also, the show’s “Previously” led seamlessly into a bee-you-tea-ful moment with a certain someone’s broadsword. [Player Ned Stark has entered the Game!]
As the Rains (Reynes?) of Castamere play in the background (jeez, OKAY, it HURTS, we GOT IT) Tywin Lannister hands off the broadsword to a perfectly cast blacksmith (are they going to add it to the throne?), who begins to heat it up. [Player Ned Stark has LEFT the game.] To me – a non-book reader (oh my god, please do not spoil me, any n00bs to the site, please, please, please) it looked like Tengwar.
NERD ALERT. Tengwar, the script found on the One True Ring,was developed by Elf Fëanor to write the language of VALARIN. Ahem. (Of course we all know the words on the One True Ring are the black speech of Mordor and I’m done now, thank you.)
So that blade was valyrian steel (I C wut U did thar, GRRM) and gets smelted into two blades of varying lengths. (Why? Anyone? UNLESS IT IS A BOOK/PLOT SPOILER.) Tywin takes the original broadsword’s scabbard – a freaking wolf pelt and how cool and awful is that? – and throws that onto the fire, stoking it higher, one assumes, and gives a pissy little “I Win” grin.
(Question: if this is Ned’s sword, why is it taking so long to do this? Because of the nature of the metal, he was waiting for the right blacksmith who could work with it? That’s the answer we later learn.)
And if you didn’t sway and wave your horn of mead/ale when the intro started, then I guess I don’t know you anymore. Two new places on the map! Dreadfort! (That’s the home of the Boltons, right? Flayed Man? The giant X on the game board?) and Meereen, and they have Pyramids! Awesome. I continue to want this to be a tabletop game set I can buy. I WANT IT FOR REASONS.
Jaime, cleaned up and looking sharp in his Kingsguard Gold, meets with his father, who has a new sword for him, a lefty. (Ouch.) Oh, and evidently no one has worked with valyrian steel since the “Doom of Valyria” which is meaningless to us show-only folk, but sounds cool. Tywin of course has a guy. Tywin Lannister is the ultimate “I got a guy” guy – his reach is far, and deep.
Jaime struggles to put it away, giving his loving dad the opportunity to point out that forced-left-handed swordsmen don’t make the best guards. (Um, clearly he’s unfamiliar with Inigo Montoya.) So since Jaime’ll want to be off to Casterly Rock to bone and produce an heir-
Jaime: Wants to stay and bone my sister says what?
Jaime: That’s my line. And I swore an oath (a private one to Cersei) to do my duty (by putting it to her nightly) and do my duty I shall (aww yeah).
Tywin: Where the hell did I go wrong with my children?
Speaking of where he went right with his children, Tyrion and Bronn (and Pod!) chill on a country road to greet visitors for the upcoming wedding of Weaselteat and Margaery. It’s seriously beneath him – there’s bad blood between the Martells of Dorne (who he’s waiting on) and the Lannisters, but then, I think you could say “There’s bad blood between [insert family name] and the Lannisters” and be just about right.
Bonus points of hilarity: Pod knows all the sigils of all the families arriving coupled with Bronn thinking they all look like balls. Hahaha.
The Dorne don’t give a shit about Tyrion, and Prince Oberyn is already there, looking to get his dick wet. He looks all sorts of classy with his chin beard and lascivious nature in one of Littlefinger’s whore houses, letting his lady friend (Naiobe from Rome!) decide who to bone. He picks himself up a nice bit of strange, something on the private menu, it seems. “I’m a prince, boy. Ever been with a prince?”
And someone’s work day just got better.
Before things can take their natural course, Oberyn hears some Lesser Lannisters singing the Rains of Castamere and gets angry (I can’t blame the guy, there are two songs in all of Westeros, that and the Maiden and the Bear. I’d want people to shut up, too). Time to assert some dominance by…pinning the kid to the table with a dagger to the wrist.
“Do you know why all the world hates a Lannister?” he asks.
Because they’re pompous and entitled? Pretty much. Tyrion comes in, diffuses the situation leaving Oberyn and his lady, Ellaria Sand, hot and into it. They finally stop shoving their tongues down each other’s throats (who could blame them?) for introductions. Again, Bronn wins the prize after being asked, “You his hired killer?”
“Yep! But now I’m a knight.” How’d that happen? “Killed the right people, I suppose.” Oberyn likes. Ha, I can’t blame him. Tyrion and Oberyn share private words and we get some awesome backstory about Oberyn’s sister.
The Tale of Why House Martell Hates House Lannister
Once upon a time there was a lovely Dornish lady named Elia, sent to marry Rhaegar Targaryen, who gave him two children. They were much loved and cared for and all were happy. Well, only Elia and her babies were happy, because the Targaryen Prince proved his name by being a dick and putting her over for someone else, which started a war, fun! And when the Lannisters showed up ready to take over, they made a point of murdering Elia’s babies in the most brutal way ever, wrapped them in Lannister cloaks and were all ha ha, your children are dead, ha!
Elia had the joy of being raped by The Mountain, and then split in two by his broadsword (is this a euphemism? Because oh my GOD), and this sort of thing ruins friendships, is what we’re saying, The End.
Oberyn smiles into the distance, saying coolly, “The Lannisters aren’t the only ones who pay their debts.” Um. This guy is officially a mufuh and I like him a lot. (Things I love: everyone is both a villain and a hero.)
Dany sits by the sea side with her dragon baby in her lap getting scritches as the other two have fun catching and eating lambs. Jorah sits in the background, staring at her sexily, because he can’t help it. The dragons start fighting over their food, Mama says to share, and one of them is all “BITCH YOU DON’T TELL ME WHEN TO EAT, GOD!” and they fly off. Jorah oozes to her side, his voice all gravel and lust as he reminds her they’re wild animals. It takes everything in him to not waggle his eyebrows suggestively at her.
She checks out her troops only to find that Grey Worm and Daario [THE CHARACTER OF DAARIO IS NOW BEING PLAYED BY JON SNOW-ESQUE LOOKING THIS GUY] are playing a game of “who can hold your sword the longest” and that was played waaaaaaay differently when I was in college.
Back in King’s Landing, Shae tries to get Sansa to eat, but she knows about her family now, and food just doesn’t have any appeal. Good god, I feel for Sansa Stark-Lannister something fierce. Poor baby. Tyrion comes in and takes a private moment with her to be sweet and wonderful and the guy is doing the best he can. (Am I the only one who would actually love to see them form a true alliance?)
Tyrion didn’t know Robb, but he knew Cate and wow, did he like her. She was strong, and she was fierce, and Sansa has that inside her, he can see it (and so can I!!) and he points out that she knows her mother would want her to carry on. She excuses herself to go to the Godswood – not to pray, she doesn’t do that anymore, but because that’s where no one will talk to her. *cue all my tears*
Tyrion goes back to his room to find a wanting Shae (gorl, I don’t blame you. Tyrion is sexy as hale), but that can’t happen, and she knows it. She also now knows that Tyrion didn’t pay Varys to ship her off with those diamonds. And Sansa’s other handmaiden sees them together and this doesn’t bode well…
Hey remember when last season ended with a bedraggled Jaime – literally escaped from the jaws of hell several times over – finding his lady-sister love, Cersei and we all thought maybe these two crazy kids will finally have a chance? And then we remembered that this is Game of Thrones and the only good things that happen only happen to Red Leader Samwell Porkins of the Night’s Watch? Well, Jaime is being fitted with a golden hand and every spooky camp story I once knew comes flooding back.
He hates it because it’s impractical. The thing has to weigh a ton. What purpose does this serve? And the answer is none. None purpose. Cersei doesn’t care because this is who she is now, the former brother-fucker-queen soon to be queen regent, soon to be Lady Tyrell, mother of the Monster King, drinker of booze, and ten AM is a perfectly acceptable time to be drunk, because that right hand of Jaime’s was her favorite hand, okay? That was the hand that Did Things back in Casterly Rock when they were twelve and just discovering themselves, that was the hand that gripped hers when she learned she was to be married off to Robert Baratheon, that was the hand that held tight when she was in labor with their
incest child, that was the hand, okay, that swore the oath to never lay with another woman as a member of the Kingsguard, and where is that hand now?
Gone. Gone like her dreams, like her hopes, like this recent bottle of hootch… Hey, Cersei? Maybe you should have thought to put…features into that golden hand. I’m just saying, a little vibration wouldn’t have gone amiss. LOOK THIS SHOW IS FILLED WITH TABOO SEX, DON’T SEND ME YOUR LETTERS, MILLION MOMS OF MORALITY OR WHATEVER.
Bonus moment of awesome: Cersei throwing shade at Grand Maester Flash (Pycelle) for smelling of a dead cat. Yeah, I see it. She also gets mad at Jaime for starting a fight with Ned Stark (wow, season 1!) disappearing (um, taken prisoner, but semantics I suppose?) and she’s still mad that she prepared to die during Blackwater and had no word from him, and it’s hardly his fault, Cersei. He’s here now, okay? Hmm, she’s the most bitter person on the whole show, so he’s got his work cut out for him. (Can these two crazy kids ever make it work? Lol.)
My thoughts on her continue to be unfettered jealousy. She wants to BE Jaime.
That handmaiden of Sansa’s shows up and stops the bickering, and this doesn’t bode well for Shae.
Up North, Ygritte makes a ton of arrows while Gjördkr the Chîcken Eåter waits for Mance to tell them what to do. He throws shade her way knowing she didn’t kill Jon Snow because she didn’t want to kill him. Everyone knows how bad ass she is. AND WHOA A GIANT CREEPER WALKS UP ON THEM. They’re Thenns? Wildling tribe? All I know is they’re huge, they’re all bald, and they like scarring their faces. They also have a Warg, which is how they knew to find their lot. Oooh, sick burn on not having a Warg, Gjördkr!
When this guy says it’s time to eat crow, he doesn’t just mean as a sick burn. More of a nice, succulent charr [slides an arm onto a spit]. Crow? Who is?? When he tries to call dibs on Ygritte, she pulls a bolt on his neck. I love her. GUYS I LOVE HER.
Speaking of Crows, at Castle Black Jon dresses for court, bemoaning his lot in life compared to Robb (he’s clearly learned of his family’s fate). Robb had the car, had the looks, had the sweet speakers in the back of his trunk, had the championship ring and had the girl. Jon just had that ribbon for chess, so… Time to face the court.
He tells the leaders that he killed Quorin Halfhand on purpose to be a spy, has all sorts of good information about a huge army coming, and yeah, he had to have sex with a lady to get that information so if he must die, at least Ygritte was worth it. Maester Aemon could give two shits about him popping his cherry; he would rather take the information of Giants, Mance’s Massive Bonfire and White Walkers seriously.
And my husband just reminded me that Maester Aemon was the brother of the Mad King Targaryen – so when he says he knows when men lie, he’s got a leg to stand on.
Speaking of King’s Landing, Lady Olenna sniffs and scoffs over the shitty jewelry being offered to Margaery for her wedding ensemble. Margaery makes fun of Joffrey and Olenna is all “BUP BUP BUP, YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH I mean, I agree, but YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH.”
Brienne walks in, dressed in their colors and offers her services. Things I love: Lady Olenna, who talks smack about everyone, gives Brienne genuine praise. She looks ridiculous in her clothes, but no one would make fun of her for it, because she’s the best. BRIENNE IS THE BEST. Brienne goes off on Stannis’ ShadowBaby killing Renly when Margaery reminds her gently that Joffrey is their king now. Hmm.
Cut to Joffrey standing in that exact pose as the real work is done behind him. His Daddy Uncle Jaime talks shop with another of the Kingsguard, leading King Weaselteat to remind us all why he’s the worst. “Ha, you suck. You barely have a page in the Book of Awesome Kingsguard. You know, I could commission a thousand books about how awesome I am.”
Jaime coughs under his (golden) hand, “I would like to point out the short life span of twats, aka, shitty kings who live here.” My love for Jaime Lannister grows with every episode, I won’t lie.
Dany’s group pushes on towards Meereen, I assume is one of the last of the slave cities? Daario-Lite has a twee moment with flowers presented to his lady. But it’s not meant as a flirtation (well, kind of) but as a little lesson in local flora and the dangers they present. Jorah’s balls ache and his heart hurts and he doesn’t know why…
They come across a very upsetting road side marker: a young girl crucified. There’s one at every mile marker from there to Meereen – 163 miles left. She insists on seeing each and every one of their faces, and then they’ll have their slave collars removed, and then they’ll be buried.
Brienne gives Jaime shit for not returning Sansa to… Who? He says he promised to keep them safe, and she’s safest here in King’s Landing. Let’s face it – Sansa’s not safe anywhere. I would also like to petition for more Brienne and Jaime moments, because they’re the best brother-sister duo ever.
The drunken -forced jester from Joffrey’s first Name Day in S1 follows Sansa in a creepy way, but it’s just to give her some jewelry (five dollars it’s just the necklace Olenna threw over the wall). He wants his family’s name to carry on. This scene serves the purpose of reminding us that Sansa is awesome because I don’t honestly see how mentioningHouse Hollard serves the plot? Things fall by the wayside? Okay.
Arya and the Hound pass a slaughter long past as she bemoans the want of a horse. So she can run off? No way, the Hound is going to sell her to Bad Boob Sucker Auntie Lyssa of the Vale. But first, they stop off in a pub after Arya sees the guy -Polliver – who killed Butters and stole her magnificent sword, Needle. Arya forces their hand, and they find the group of men being disgusting, forcing themselves on the local women, taking what they want because why not? They’re wearing the King’s Colors.
Polliver recognizes the Hound, has lots of respect for him, sort of wishes he got shacked up with him, right? It’s just that the Mountain, and no disrespect meant to your bruvvah, but he’s a bit of a cunt with the torture, always wanting to torture, and a man just wants to sit still, get his dick wet, have a pint, you know? Say, how about we all shove off, do a bit of raping and pillaging – a bit of fun, right? Why don’t we do summat?
The Hound: [stares] Nah. Fuck the king.
[EVERYTHING GRINDS TO A HALT]
The Hound: And I’ll just have that chicken. And that other chicken. And your beer. [maintains eye contact] In fact, I’ll take all the chickens.
Polliver: You gonna die for some chickens?
The Hound: Oh, not me. [FIGHT BREAKS OUT]
So… he head butted one of those guy ON HIS OWN SWORD. If you look up “holy shit” in the dictionary, that’s what you find. Arya gets a wounded man’s broadsword and runs it though him, then narrows in on Polliver, the last remaining man, and hamstrings him.
She gets her sword back from him, and recalls the last conversation Polliver had with Butters back in Season Two, putting her sword to his neck, running it through and if you look closely, you can see it pop out of the back of his head. NEEDLE. Damn.
They ride off comfortably on horses (she got one!) with the Hound eating one of his beloved chickens. They make their way through the scorched countryside. (The work of Polliver’s men and Gregor Clegane? Is this the “torture, torture, torture, a man needs a vacation!” work?)
Next week: WHO CARES IT WILL BE GREAT.
GUYS OUR SHOW IS BACK AND I’M SO HAPPY. Note for any new folks: as I mentioned, I’m completely spoiler free. I took an oath, not unlike the Black Watch, and I intend to keep it (even though the books are LITERALLY five feet from me right this minute.) We keep things spoiler free. Speculation is one thing, but make a point of saying that’s what it is, if you would be so kind.
We also keep things positive. That’s not to say you can’t have criticisms, but make them constructive. Don’t just slag off on things you hate. This isn’t the place for that. (Fortunately you literally have the ENTIRE internet for that stuff.) Normally these posts go up by 9:30AM CST, but this was a HUGE episode so it took a while. (Also, I celebrated with a lot of wine last night.) You can follow my Twitter for updates, or the HDJM Tumblr for updates as well.
I AM A LITTLE VERKLEMPT. How are you doing, buddy? Hanging in? Flailing? Happy to hate King Weaselteat? Cheering with tears as Arya continues to be bad ass? Come tell me your thoughts. And then click for the next episode!