OH HEY HI HOW ARE YOU THINGS AREN’T CRAZY EVERYTHING IS JUST AS I EXPECTED WITH NOT ONE GEE DEE SHOCK OF ANY KIND AT ALL HOW’S THE CHICKEN????
[Previously] But. What. WHAT did I just watch? Red Wedding? Tuh-rumped. In a totally different way, though.
Me: Nothing can shock me like the Red Wedding.
Show: BITCH YOU KNOW NOTHING. YOU HAVE HAD IT WRONG FROM THE START. YOUR CHIN HAS ONLY JUST BEGUN TO DROP.
Note to self: if anyone in Westeros offers to host your wedding, SAY NO.
Okay, I needed, like, nine hours of sleep and a massage and someone to conk me over the head and make me unconscious for another nine hours to DEAL WITH WHAT JUST HAPPENED. And seriously, mad props to my husband for not spoiling me for anything because WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?!?!?!
While watching, I shrieked at him with my hands LITERALLY in the air (but I just DID care), “WHAT DID I JUST WITNESS?” and he said: “All your dreams coming true?”
Me: NOW I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! (Oh, Weaselteat. OH MY GOD.)
*rocks out to the intro because I am a slave to its infectious rhythm*
Hey, let’s go on a lovely little forest run where everything seems normal. *polishes glasses* Wait, what the fuck? Some lovely young lady (Miranda?) is running, people are following her, and MOTHER PUNK, that is Ramsay, some bint with a bow and arrow, and limping behind, THEON GREYJOY as Ramsay sics his dogs on the girl, the idea that if she makes it out of the woods, she wins. (Lives)
Guess what? She doesn’t. I LITERALLY watched this up on my knees with my hands over my mouth. They trap her in a hollow with an arrow to the leg, all for the crime of being pretty and making the other girl angry. You thought you knew a Mean Girl in high school? WOW YOU REALLY DIDN’T. This is the most extreme version of “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!” I have ever seen. They ACTUALLY SIC THE DOGS ON HER TO EAT HER UP AND IT IS AWFUL AWFUL WHAAAAAAT.
Reek (Theon) looks away in horror, but he can’t escape the terrible sound of her throat being ripped out, can he? Speaking of castrated cocks, we jump cut to King’s Landing where Jaime and Tyrion are served lengthy sausages, where Tyrion says, “Try the boar. Cersei can’t get enough.” Ahahaha. Best Bitch in Westeros goes to Cersei Lannister Baratheon.
Tyrion is actually an awesome brother here, genuinely wanting to help Jaime survive. He gives Bronn to Jaime for practicing his left-handed swordsmanship (and praises to the editor for such seamless storytelling this season). Bronn takes him to a place where he fucks loud women (oh my god, I love Bronn) and doesn’t show Jaime any quarter, not after making Jaime put his new Valyrian steel sword aside in favor of a practice blade. Jaime is resentful at first, but welcomes the challenge. He’s not used to having people go easy on him lately, is he? (And mad props to the costume department, because his Gold Hand looks amazing with his Kingsguard armor.)
We see some Flayed Men of House Bolton coming home to Dreadfort. (Or Winterfell? Anyone? No, that’s Dreadfort.) Looks like Ramsay isn’t going to be able to play as he likes for much longer as his dad, Roose, gets off his horse and introduces Ramsay to his new teen step-mommy (and wow, did they eye fuck each other), Walda. One of Frey’s girls, right? Bless.
Roose wants to know where “his prize” is. Theon sleeps with the dogs, apparently, and wow, how far must Theon fall? Given the nature of this series, my guess is Theon’s peg hasn’t been knocked all the way down. Which, if that’s true: WOW. Dude, you pissed off the wrong God, Theon. And it seems that all the men of House Bolton know how much of a creep Ramsay is; they think it’s hilarious, his penchant for torture.
Ramsay brings Theon-Reek to his father, who is royally pissed about the whole dick in a box thing. Well, there goes that bargaining chip, dummy. This is why you’re nothing but a bastard, Ramsay. Ramsay Snow. Oooooh. Roose explains that he’s just screwed them over in taking Winterfell completely, Roose had to HIDE FROM GREYJOYS to get back home, okay, and all for a pet?
Oh, but this pet does tricks. He can balance a treat on his nose, walk on his hind legs, and abso-freaking-lutely will not harm Ramsay. Wanna see? REEK: SHAVE ME.
(Raise your hand if you had some The Color Purple feels and though Theon might go all “Miss Celie Gonna kill Mister” on his ass.)
Ramsay shows his dad that his pet is still valuable, because he’s learned that Bran and Rickon aren’t dead, and from Theon’s own mouth. Jesus, it’s painful to watch Theon here, right? Roose sends a man off to find the Stark boys with big promises for upward mobility. (God, we watch Theon learn that Robb is dead, and it’s painful.) Jeez, I truly feel for Theon, weasel though he is. He even instructs them to look for Jon Snow at the wall – most likely where the boys are headed. You just can’t do the right thing, Reek, damn.
Best moment: when the dude who cut off Jaime’s hand (Kingslayer Hand-taker) asks, “Who is Jon Snow?” I felt Jon Snow’s gratitude radiate throughout the kingdom that ONE PERSON DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS NED STARK’S BASTARD.
In King’s Landing, Varys once again tries to help Shae by getting her out via Tyrion. Look, he doesn’t mince words: “Your father will hang her. Does he ever make an idle threat?” Exactly. Well, that seemed to sink in.
Wedding Breakfast where Margaery’s father is introduced to his new son in law, King Weaselteat. And…Joffrey seems lovely here! He glances at GeePopPop Tywin every now for instruction and praise, and then is gracious and thoughtful and kind and WHAT IS HAPPENING. IS DOWN IN FACT UP.
If you do not marvel constantly at the sheer power that drips out of every one of Tywin Lannister’s pores, you’re watching incorrectly.
Cersei eyes Shae, mentions to Daddy who she is, and Tywin says to have her brought to him before the wedding where Tyrion can hear. Aww, they’re such an open and affectionate family; they just want to share everything.
Tyrion brings what looks like an ancient and important book (and possibly the only copy) as a gift to Joffrey. Joffrey looks to GeePopPop who gives a “Go on, like I told you,” look.
Joffrey: Yay, a book! At least it wasn’t “Oh, The Places You’ll Go” or something by Steven Covey. I hear wisdom is important, thaaaaanks.
GeePopPop gives Joffrey the Westeros equivalent of a drum kit/that toy that makes parents crazy but kids love, a Valyrian sword. Joffrey’s eyes light up as only a Weaselteat’s can. Let’s try it out! Oh, shit. TOO BAD THERE AREN’T ANY STARKS TO KILL RIGHT SANSA LET’S TRY IT OUT ON THIS FUCKING BOOK I HATE IT I HATE YOU TYRION I HATE YOUR FACE AND SANSA’S FACE AND I’M THE KING ME ME ME ME I WIN I AM NOT FUSSY MOTHER THE KING DOESN’T TAKE NAPS.
Uh. That was a one of a kind treasure, nitwit. But yeah, the sword is impressive.
Tyrion, back in his rooms, has to make a decision, and it’s the right one, but it’s a painful one. He tells Shae every ugly thing he can to make her unhappy enough to leave. He doesn’t love her, she’s a whore, she’s unfit, byyyyyyeeee.
He motions for Bronn to take her away (to a ship where she’ll be taken to safety so she can live in luxury and more importantly LIVE) and it’s painful. But it’s right. *sadface* “And I have enjoyed my time with you most of all, but now that time is over.” AND THERE GOES MY HEART WHEN SHE CRIES PITIFULLY. Poor Shae.
(Five bucks say Bronn asked for extra money for the face slap she gave him.)
Let’s travel to Pleasure Island, aka Dragonstone, where Stannis continues to do whatever it takes to make his crazy god happy so he can be King. Like putting his wife’s brother at the stake to be burned while Fire Crotch Mage prays. His wife Selyse is all “this is glorious, my god is an awesome GOOOOOD.” Guys? There ain’t one sane lady on this island.
Who doesn’t like a nice dinner and a show? I mean, dinner after a ritualistic burning? Not Stannis, Melisandre and Selyse, they can’t get enough! Selyse talks about how they’ve starved, how great Stannis is, and how her hand itches to bust the shit out of her daughter for having a crap lizard face. Stannis is all, “You won’t hit my kid,” and she shrugs okay. Well… that was easy. Selyse wonders if maybe Fire Crotch Mage can talk to her?
FCM: Uh, I don’t do kids beyond birthing shadow-ninjas and letting them die after they’ve served their purpose.
Show: We have exposition to get out.
FCM: Fiiiiiiiine, hey, Newt, little princess rough face, did you watch the show tonight?
Newt: I don’t like the theater. Tell me, why does-
FCM: Why don’t you stop asking me questions. Imma let you sleep, but first I have to say that the Lord of Light is the greatest god of all time.
Cut to Summer the Direwolf (Bran’s) stalking a deer and taking it down. Awesome. Except Bran is Warging in him and that’s bad, mm’kay? You can get addicted to being in an animal? And then you forget things like your family being killed and your friends starving next to you and responsibilities and stuff, mm’kay? (And this is bad because…?) Oh, because the story needs Bran to be in full faculty so Billy Elliot/Jojen and sister can fulfill the prophesy or something. Bran is KEY to stopping the Undead (or something. It’s not wholly clear. It’s engaging, but it’s not wholly clear to us non-book readers. And that’s okay – I can wait for the story to unfold.).
They push on until they come to a Godswood tree. (The one in Winterfell with the red leaves and the faces.) Bran touches it and gets a vision, starting with Ned being in the dungeons under King’s Landing. Huh. His sword is prominent in the vision. HUH. Is that right?
Words: “Look for me. Look for me beneath the tree. (Cersei: He saw us!) North.” I mean, they’re going north…
What we see: dungeons, the ravens that came to Samwell Red Leader Porkins, a different Godswood tree, a mangled possibly undead horse, the vision Dany had of the Throne Room with snow falling (Winter has come, I assume), Cersei and Jaime catching Bran spying on them back in the first five minutes of Episode One, Bran falling, a full-grown dragon’s shadow passing over King’s Landing (oh my GOD that is so COOL) and then he snaps out of it and tells Billy Elliot he knows where to go.
WHAT IS GOING ON. Y’all, I’m coming back to this moment in the future, I know I will.
It’s a nice day for/a Wonk Wedding! Okay, so this is happening. Joffrey is getting a bride. Much different from the other weddings we’ve seen (and that set is gorgeous) because no one is crying or getting their unborn child stabbed so far. Margaery needs a standing ovation for playing the happy bride, right? (OOOOH. I JUST HAD A THOUGHT. I’LL HOLD IT.)
They’re married, Joffrey acts like a normal person and EW EW HE KISSES HER I AM SORRY FOR HER. Everyone (but Tyrion and Sansa) seem pleased. New Queen in the house, yo! Everyone files off to the reception where Tywin and Lady Olenna banter back and forth, and if Tywin wasn’t such an evil mo-fo, I’d say they’re a perfect match. She can hold her own, can Lady Olenna. (I JUST HAD ANOTHER THOUGHT. WHOA. THINGS ARE COMING TOGETHER.)
Revelry and joy is everywhere (except with Sansa and Tyrion, but they know to play their part as happy relatives). Best moment ever: Oberyn and Ellaria walking up and saying hello, Tyrion greeting them back, only to realize they were saying “Aw, yeah!” to some contortionist’s crotch. WOW, I LOVE THIS SHOW.
Some musicians play a mournful tune. (Five bucks says it’s the Rains/Reynes of Castamere.) I just realized why everyone in Westeros is so itchy to fight: lack of happy music. Someone send them an Earth, Wind and Fire record, STAT.
Olenna is sweet to Sansa, realizing how awful this must be and how shit her life really is. It really, really is. OH SNAP. She says to Sansa in regards to Robb, “WHO WOULD KILL A MAN AT A WEDDING?”
Dear. Lord. CHANNEL ALL THOUGHTS HERE.
The musicians continue to play a mournful song in the background, “A coat of gold or a coat of red, a lion still has claws.” We see Joffrey’s banners, and they’re red and gold, a stag and a lion together, and I get it. OKAY. Regardless of the Baratheon taint (hurr) once a Lannister, ALWAYS A LANNISTER. That’s the message of this song here, this funereal song at a wedding. But… Hmm. This is foreshadowing something, something related to BOTH Baratheon and Lannister, and who else besides Joffrey is both? Cersei? (OH. MY. GOD. Do not confirm nor deny any of my claims, please, I beg of you.)
Joffrey shows that he can’t hold his drink (Tyrion is soooo embarrassed) and things start to go south, regardless of Margaery being a Bad Ass. She’s all, “Hey, I rock at PR and know that my husband’s a shit, so let’s give all the leftovers to Flea Bottom, isn’t he majestic?” Weaselteat with his chiclet teeth is so proud of himself here as if this was his idea because he is the worst.
Loras, forced to be there, makes eyes with Oberyn and wow, holy Lord, I ship that so hard it’s actually become a naval fleet. YES. Make it happen, Cap’n. Except for how Jaime’s all sidling up to Loras and threat-smiling, “So, you know how you think you’re going to marry my sister-lover? She’ll kill you and any baby you put in her. So…”
And Loras is all, “Pfft, I don’t even like her and I sure as hell don’t want to marry her, okay? But it’s not like you can either. OH SHIT SON, PUT SOME COLD WATER ON THAT BURN.”
Enter Brienne being awesome and noble and paying her respects to her new king and queen (Margaery’s all: I like ’em butch, hey girl, heyyyyyyy) when Cersei sweeps in.
Cersei: SO I HEARD YOU WERE NICE TO MY BRO.
Brienne: Yes, I’m honorable like that and–
Cersei: I will LITERALLY EAT YOUR FACE how DARE you be nice to him he doesn’t even TALK about you he doesn’t SNAPCHAT YOU you are NOTHING to him I AM HIS BABY MAMA and you BEST BACK OFF MY MAN. MY LOVER. Shit. MY BROTHER. WE’RE NOT FUCKING. WHATEVER, PSSSHT. *finger in aerosol can spray motion*
Okay, so will these two crazy Lannister lover sibs ever make it work? These two have really intense and strange foreplay. Now, before you go off on her, she does save some maiden from Grand Maester Flash and his nasty ways, because he is GROSS and he smells like a dead CAT and why isn’t he horribly murdered in a ditch yet? Cersei wonders about this. Out loud. To his face. (Which she would NOT eat. See: dead cat.)
She’s all: I AM STILL THE QUEEN OBEY ME GIVE THE FOOD TO THE DOGS OR YOU GO TO THE DOGS AND WE DO THIS SHIT IN THIS WORLD DID YOU FORGET THE BEGINNING OF THIS EPISODE?!
Oberyn and Ellaria run into Cersei and Tywin and have a snark off. Oberyn is all, “I like how you’re acting superior to me, no really. It’s amusing. Hey we don’t rape and kill young women and their babies where I come from, which is where you sent Cersei’s daughter, Myrcella, right? The one I could have killed by now? And maybe I have? Who’s to say? Try the chicken! OBERYN OUT.”
He drops a pamphlet for local burn centers as he makes for Loras’ tent (I assume and fervently pray).
BUT SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL. Real jacked up. Joffrey demands attention because he’s going to be a pissy wonk at his wedding. He has a show for everyone: a reenactment of the war of the Five Kings as featured by Little People. Aww, Renly is riding Loras with his ass hanging out, Stannis is riding Fire Crotch Mage, etc. So it’s a class act, is what I’m saying.
Best part (by which I mean the worst) is when “Joffrey” – riding a lion with antlers (ooh, calling back the words to the song) kills “Robb Stark” and bones the wolf’s head, making sure Sansa gets an eyeful. Can this guy throw a party or what? (Or what.) The only people who really enjoy it are the cowed guests and Cersei. Cersei is fucking beside herself with glee. Even Margaery is all, “I did not sign up for this shit.”
So many shots of Sansa staring blankly. (CANCEL ALL THOSE PREVIOUS THOUGHTS. ALL ARE FOCUSED HERE. SHE IS ALSO WEARING THAT NECKLACE FROM LAST WEEK.) Joffrey makes to pay the Little People before he realizes he hasn’t insulted Tyrion in like, three minutes. So why doesn’t Tyrion get out there and perform for his King?
Tyrion, to his credit, is awesome and defers with grace (and throws some seriously masterful shade) but Joffrey is having none of that. Even the crowd is uncomfortable at this point. He pours a glass of wine over Tyrion’s head (wow, what a waste, which is exactly what Tyrion says, hahaha), and Margaery continues to try to diffuse the situation. Nope, Weaselteat is a dick and says Tyrion will be his cupbearer, making sure to remind everyone it’s meant to be a humiliation. And holy smokes, Queen Bitch [Former Regent] Cersei so. damn. happy.
Weaselteat drops his cup, wanting Tyrion to get on his hands and knees to pick it up, even going so far as to kick it under the table. Sansa gets down and picks it up, handing it to her husband. I just really love them both, okay? (And this could’ve been a chance for her to have *zips lip for a few more minutes*)
Joffrey wants Tyrion to hand it to him on his knees, emphatic about it, when Margaery once again shows how amazing she is by pointing out the massive pie being wheeled out. Well, better use that rare, only one made in a thousand years sword to cut some freaking pastry! God, he is the WORST.
Sansa wants to leave, Margaery has a piece of pie lovingly held out for her husband on a fork and HOLD THE DAMN PHONE BECAUSE ALL PREVIOUS THOUGHTS ARE CANCELLED OUT WITH THIS NEW THOUGHT. (Seriously, I am reliving “Who shot JR?” all over again.)
He’s all, “The pie is dry,” AND YEP THAT LAST THOUGHT I’M THINKING IS RIGHT I THINK, demanding Tyrion bring him more wine and is the poison maybe wine-activated? Liquid-enhanced? Because Weaselteat immediately begins coughing and choking. Margaery stares at him, then shouts, “He’s choking!” and Lady Olenna – who has been looking on with what I believed was worry and no longer think that!! – calls out, “Help the poor boy!”
FUCKING HOUSE TYRELL. Olenna cries out, “Idiots, help your king!”
Sounds like an excellent alibi/cover to me. *strokes chin*
I love that the first person to Joffrey’s side is Jaime. How’s that for a Kingsguard, asshole? Joffrey is choking and puking and chaos is everywhere, except Ser Drunken Jester materializes at Sansa’s side, begging her to leave right then “if you want to live.” HEY HE WAS IMPORTANT AFTER ALL.
It’s just Jaime and Cersei frantic at the king’s side, rolling him back and forth, because no one knows how to clear an airway in Westeros, it seems. Sweep the mouth for foreign objects, elevate the hea- Wait, it’s Weaselteat. CARRY ON WITH THE INEFFECTUAL ROLLING. Margaery looks away, Joffrey, turning blue, bleeding from every orifice and gagging, raises a finger and points to…Tyrion, picking up his goblet. (Nope. Nuh uh.)
Let’s give the special effects department a round of applause for Joffrey’s blue face, the capillaries exploding on his cheeks, and just this whole moment as the one person whom everyone agreed was 100% THE WORST chokes on his own vomit. AND DIES HOLY SHIT HE IS DEAD. JOFFREY IS DEAD.
Wasn’t that a dainty dish to set before the King?
Cersei, crying, says Tyrion is responsible, grab him and take him away, and the crowd is all, “So…should we just get our gifts and take them back, or…?”
FINAL SHOT: WEASELTEAT’S BLOODY, PUKEY, DEAD FACE. I am standing on a chair Dead Poet’s Society-style clapping for Jack Gleeson. Awesome damn job, buddy, I freaking (loved) hated your character. Well. Played.
“A coat of gold, a coat of red, a lion still has claws. And mine are long and sharp, my lord, as long and sharp as yours. And so he spoke, and so he spoke, That Lord of Castamere. And now it rains, weep o’er his hall with no one there to hear. Yes now the rains weep o’er his hall, and not a soul to hear.”
Was it House Martell? WAS IT ALL THE WOMEN? (Margaery, Olenna, Sansa??) OH MY GOD IF YOU ARE A BOOK READER DO NOT- I REPEAT- DO NOT TELL US. NO SPOILERS, PLEASE PLEASE. Hmm, maybe not Margaery since that would mess with her being the queen, since she’s not pregnant. But…You know, what, lemme put this out there: I say the FORK was poisoned, not the goblet. Which means Margaery. (Or Olenna. They brought all the food, etc., right?) Oh shit, son, I forgot about Oberyn!!
And as is tradition here, allow me to lay a dedication to Joffrey at his dead, bloody, weaselly feet.
An Ode To Weaselteat, King of D-Bags
A boy was born and now he’s dead
His mother had named him Joffrey.
His father the King had hair of black
Yet the boy’s was the color of toffee.
It has been said that when siblings bed
Their offspring will be a monster.
But the boy would be King, so his mother did sing
About Robert the Father (impostor).
No hand met his arse (the parenting: a farce)
As the boy grew twisted and bad.
He then chose his Queen (and did Sansa preen!)
He took her from mother and dad.
But enemies would lurk (and Joffrey: a jerk)
So he knew he would have to act swift.
For Joffrey had grown thinking only he shone,
And that he, as their King, was a gift.
His pointed chin grinned and his whiskers did twitch,
As Weaselteat plotted and schemed.
Poor Sansa did watch, Weaselteat ordered them “Chop!”
With tears poor Sansa’s eyes gleamed.
Her brother and mother and home were destroyed,
Not a stone remained, nor a rafter.
And Sansa did sleep (although yes, she did weep)
To the horror that was Joffrey’s laughter.
He was cruel, he was awful and mean, yes it’s true,
And his pleasures were growing depraved.
A new wife he did pick, but was saving his prick,
For poor Roz, the whore there enslaved.
He then took his gift, a bow wicked and swift,
And into her emptied his quiver.
His new betrothed saw and praised his true draw,
Though inside her soul it did shiver.
He shamed and he punished and beat anyone
Who dared to stand in his way.
Or more truthfully said, since he had a big head,
He outsourced these tasks for low pay.
His marriage did fall on the city at last,
And people from all corners came.
His bride, she was lovely and kind and was fair,
And waited ’til she had taken his name.
Out came the groom pie, Olenna met Margaery’s eye,
The Weaselteat ate of his dish.
More wine he demanded, of his uncle, commanded,
Yet it seemed we would all get our wish.
He choked and he coughed and he fell to the floor,
His true parents, shocked by his side.
He pointed a finger but oh, could not linger,
For a terrible poison’d been supplied.
Now who could have slipped him this terror?
Who ever would dare the King kill?
But this is the fate of cruel monarchs:
Forced to swallow their own bitter pill.
RIP, Weaselteat. Truly you were the worst.
This is what happens when you can’t sleep at 2am because of THIS DAMN SHOW. And you know, when you’re the most hated man in Westeros, it’s ridiculously easy to be killed and have far too many suspects for the right one to be sussed out.
So, a reminder: I am unspoiled. I have sworn an Oath not to read the books until the show is complete, so for the love of the bloody head of Weaselteat, NO SPOILERS. It’s a kindness, thankee Ladies and Sers. [And a round of applause to my husband and all of you book readers for not spoiling me on this HUGE PLOT POINT because that’s amazing and I love you all.]