Orphan Black – 2×01 – Nature Under Constraint and Vexed

Skyping clone-style

Skyping, clone-style. But seriously, the effects team rocks.

Previously: Sarah comes to town and sees so many twins but they aren’t twins they’re clones! She meets Alison! And Cosima! And Helena! Hot Paul is hot! Alison hates Big Boob Blowies and Donnie! Goodbye creepy Olivier! Kira noooooooo! Felix wears something gay! We meet another clone named Rachel Duncan and Art is kinds figuring stuff out but he’s a terrible detective so not really and Alison lets Aynesley choke to death right in front of her and Cosima is sick and Dr. Leekie is a liar and Donnie is a liar and the DYAD Institute owes the clones and Sarah shoots Helena and someone took Kiraaaaaa and and and! Whew, what a season.

Sarah runs and runs in the pouring rain. She stops to call Felix but gets his voicemail. She goes into a diner to stop and regroup and wow, she looks like a poor little beat up drowned rat. Helena really got in some good punches.

Sarah tries to call Alison and Cosima but both of their numbers have been disconnected. She reluctantly tries calling Paul and leaves a message to call her back.

The guy working at the diner is very kind and brings her tea on the house and a towel. Well, he’s going to die.

Paul calls her back but of course it’s stupid Pro Clone Rachel Duncan on the phone instead of Hot Paul. Rachel tells her that she can reunite with Mrs. S and Kira. No problem. All she has to do is surrender herself. Sarah doesn’t like the sound of this and starts threatening Rachel, who simply hangs up on her with a smug look on her face. Rude!

Things start to get worse. Two creepy cowboy type men walk into the diner, asking the cook if he uses free run eggs. Diner Cook is like, um, no, duh.

The cowboys walk over to Sarah, who hunches in the booth and pulls her hood up defensively. They start talking to her, thrilled to hear her ‘lilt’ when she asks them who they are. The cowboys know she’s the Sarah they’re looking for. Sarah reaches for her gun but they take it away and try to force her out of the diner. But oh no, not on Diner Cook’s watch! He pumps his shotgun and points it at them, telling the cowboys that the lady is going to leave on her own. Sarah gasps a little and starts to get up to escape. “Are you sure?” Cowboy 1 asks. He says they’re going to take her to Kira. Then he whips out his gun and shoots Diner Cook right in the head. I knew it. He was a good man. Goodbye forever, honorable and kind Diner Cook; we barely knew you.

Diner Cook does one more good deed, even in death. As he slowly falls forward his shotgun discharges and shoots Cowboy 2 right in the chest. Ha-ha! Cowboy 2 falls on the table, dead, and Sarah immediately jumps up and runs. See, this is why Sarah is awesome. She doesn’t just sit and scream or cower or panic. She reacts.

Getting the fuck outta Dodge

Getting the fuck outta Dodge

She races down the kitchen line and through the dry storage as Cowboy 1 follows, calling her name. Sarah finds herself with nowhere to go but the staff bathroom. Don’t do it, Sarah! The staff bathroom is always gross and windowless! She locks herself in and looks around, trying to figure out how to get out of this one.

Luckily Sarah is smart as well as resourceful. She sees how one wall is stained with rusty water from an air vent and figures the wall may be weakened from water damage. She grabs a fire extinguisher and smashes it against the wall, opening a small hole, and crawls through. Cowboy 1 breaks down the door and grabs her leg but all he gets is a hard boot to the face for his efforts. Sarah escapes. Suck it, Cowboy 1!

Credits! Oh how I’ve missed you.

Sarah walks into a club. At first I thought she went to that weird Neolutionism club where Helena cut off creepy Olivier’s tail and then danced like a badass but then I saw it was full of men in leather and one guy was whipping another guy’s bare butt and it’s actually a gay bar and I suck.

Sarah spots Felix and runs over. He’s thrilled to see her and lets her pull him out of his harem and nooo Sarah, let him have his fun for just one more minute and let me watch it. No Josie, we have to focus! Focus! Focus on the recap and finding Kira!



Sarah asks if this is why he wasn’t answering his phone. “Yeah, I was in the midst of a five-way!” SOB WHY MUST WE INTERRUPT THIS?

Sarah’s like, what the hell? Are you high? (He is.) And what are you wearing??



Felix puts on his thinking cap-literally- and they brainstorm.

Thinking cap activated

Thinking cap activated.

He suggests that Helena was the one that took Kira but Sarah says Helena’s…gone. No, whyyyy, not Helena. Ok, back to the recap.

The pink phone rings, startling the beejeezus out of Felix. He smartly points out that all the other clones’ numbers were disconnected but this one wasn’t and they’re probably tracking Sarah through this phone. Sarah agrees and answers it. It’s Paul.

Sarah asks who else is listening and demands to talk to Mrs. S. Paul glances over to a suit who shakes his head ‘no’. Sarah tells Paul that she only wants to talk to him, alone, and to wait for her call. She hangs up and plops the pink phone into a glass of water. Goodbye, pink phone, your ring always gave me a sense of doooom.

Paul turns to the suit and proudly says that Sarah is smarter than they all think. The suit, who’s name is Daniel, warns Paul that if he does one more thing to help Sarah he’ll put a bullet in his head. Hot Paul glares at him in a manly fashion. He double-dog-dares him to try it.

Hot Paul is so hot. So hot. Yes Paul, keep glaring. Yessss.

Hot Paul is so hot. So hot. Yes Hot Paul, keep glaring. Yessss.

Sarah smoothly steals a phone from a guy in the bar and tells Felix she needs him to go somewhere for her.

Cosima is staying at Felix’s. Delphine is there, taking blood samples from her. Delphine still wants Cosima to come to the DYAD event thats happening, to talk to Leekie. She says they need them, to figure out what is making Cosima sick. Cosima doesn’t want her samples to go to DYAD; she does her own research. Her body, her decision. Delphine agrees and hugs her.

Felix goes to Alison’s and wakes her up. She’s all, “What the dickens?” and I laughed. He needs a gun. And he’s still high, marvelling at how bouncy the balls of her thumbs are. I need this drug Felix is on.

Alison says she keeps her guns at the range and besides, you can’t just go shooting people with her registered guns. She says she’s getting her life together, no more guns in the house, no drinking, no pills. She’s doing a musical at the Community Center. Felix really hopes it’s not Cats.

Knock knock. Oh shit! Donnie’s at the craft room door and Felix hides behind it, clutching his hands to his mouth in fear.

Tee hee!

Donnie’s outfit < every outfit at the gay bar

Donnie is wondering who Alison is talking to? Alison announces that she’s practicing lines. Hey, she can’t stop when her muse hits! Donnie thinks she’s a weirdo and goes back to bed.

Felix giggles and comes away from the door. “What…are you wearing?” Alison exclaims. Felix remembers his chaps and lack of pants. “Oh yeah!”

Luckily, Alison knows a gun ‘enthusiast’ named Ramon. She tells Felix to let Sarah know to meet her at the community club tomorrow at 4.

The next day, Paul waits on a long, covered walkway bridge. A kid skateboards up to him and demands $20. Paul pays up and is handed a phone. It rings.

Paul answers and Sarah says she knows he’s being watched. Paul tells Sarah she’s got 30 seconds before they’re all over her. She’s far away at a skatepark, with the bridge in the background. Paul says that Rachel has a message for her: she’s flying away tomorrow morning, in a private plane, with Kira, and Sarah is invited. Sarah doesn’t like the sound of that. Paul lets her know that Rachel is going to the DYAD event tonight.

An SUV pulls up at the skatepark and Daniel and his suits get out. They walk over to Sarah and whip her around. It’s not Sarah, just some street kid who gleefully tells them, “She says ‘up yours’” and runs away. The suits are pissed. I’m just confused as to why there’s so many ginger kids at this skatepark. It’s like, filled with redheads. Bright, shining redheads.

Sarah runs and gets onto a bus. She borrows a phone and calls Felix’s to talk to Cosima. Cosima says that the DYAD event is glitzy and she doesn’t see how a gun will help. Maybe she should go and talk to Leekie, like Delphine wants. Sarah says no, she’ll come up with a plan.

Alison meets up with the mysterious Ramon in the Econo-Mart parking lot, who turns out to be an employee in customer service. He opens his trunk to display his goods, thinking she’s here for a refill on her ‘prescriptions’. He’s thrilled to find out she’s actually here for an illegal gun. She picks out one with a lady-grip and he helpfully bags it for her.

Cosima Skypes with her lab partner, and asks him to run tests on the new blood samples she sending him. I hate that Cosima is sick. :(

Delphine shows up for work at DYAD and is immediately summoned to see Dr. Leekie. He wants Cosima, here, working at DYAD. Delphine says that Cosima is scared as she sees what is happening to Sarah. Dr. Leekie angrily tells her that Sarah is not Delphine’s subject. Cosima is.

Delphine walks over to him and hands over a blood vial. “324B21 is showing the same respiratory symptoms as the other two.” She congratulates him, saying she is invested in Cosima, just like he wanted. Dr. Leekie looks upset at the news about Cosima being sick. Poor Max Headroom.

Meanwhile, Alison is getting ready for opening day for her play at the Glendale Community Theatre. The director pulls the group into a circle and they all hold hands. Aynesley is gone, and they are all so sad, but the show must go on! The director tells them that Kelsey will now play ‘Laura’ and Alison is confused, as she was playing Laura. No, the director says, you’re playing Sheila. She’s playing the lead! The group all clap for her and give her hugs. Alison is thrilled and close to tears.

The group runs onstage to rehearse. They’re picking up at the scene where ‘everyone helps Sheila clean up after the unfortunate death.’ Um…this sounds familiar. Alison runs to get her mop and they all start to sing:


We will sing sing sing away the hours!
Shout til our throats are sore!
And we will raise our voices to the heavens
God himself will hear our mighty roar!

And we will wipe wipe wipe away the plasma!
Scrub off every stain!

Sheila (solo):

Since I cannot control my asthma I’ll stand by to en-ter-tain!

‘Sheila’ takes a big, theatre-style exaggerated hit of her inhaler at the end and seriously, how did they film this without laughing? It’s fricking brilliant and hilarious and I’m DYING.

This is why I hate most theatre

Alison is the very best

Art pops in just in time to catch Alison’s solo line:




He walks back to the squad car and tells a waiting Angela, “Alison Hendricks is in a musical.” Angela’s confused. “What? What musical?”

“It ain’t Cats.”


Angela bellyaches that Beth’s dead, the German’s dead, Sarah got sprung from jail and Alison is a thespian. Great. To make matters better, they spot Sarah walking towards the community center for her 4:00 illegal gun exchange apointment. Art panics and says they aren’t supposed to be on the case but Angela jumps out of the car. Alison walks out of the community center just in time to see Sarah getting handcuffed. She sneaks back in with her gun.

Sarah tells them about the diner shootout. Art wants to check her story out so they drive her over to investigate.

Back at DYAD, Paul is walking to Dr. Leekie’s office with Rachel. She mentions he’s the only one who knows what makes Sarah tick. Oh and pack your bag, you’re going to Taiwan with her on Tuesday. She’s rather flirty. Paul’s dismissed.

Rachel also needs to use Leekie’s office tonight. She says it’s “the careers. Both of them” and I have no idea what that means. Two career clones? (EDIT: Apparently she says ‘the Koreas’. As in, perhaps, North and South? YIKES.)

Dr. Leekie asks her if she seriously kidnapped Sarah’s family. He obviously is not on board with that. She doesn’t give him a straight answer. It’s not his concern, he is to get ready for his big evening tonight. “You’ll do wonderfully, Aldous.” Rachel says, rather ominously if you ask me. Things won’t end well for Leekie, I’m thinking. Someone may end up sending their ‘regards’, if you remember creepy ole Olivier-san-tail.

Art and Angela drive with Sarah to the crime scene. Her story checks out and the case is now being handled by the feds. Art tells Angela to let Sarah go, which pisses Angela off. She calls her a ‘little grifter’ cause Angela’s a big ole meanie. Art knows that Sarah almost trusts him.

Back at the loft, Sarah is planning on turning herself over to Rachel. She has to be on the plane with Kira. Felix says he won’t let her do it and Cosima points out that she’s on the guest list. Why doesn’t she just go to the DYAD event and demand that Rachel let them go? Yeah, that’ll work. Rachel will just buckle to that. I thought you were the smart one, Cosima. Sarah bemoans that she really, really needed that gun.

Knock knock! Ramon is at the door, with a flower delivery. Felix admires the arrangement, saying they are ‘so Alison’. “It’s what’s inside that counts, am I right, sailor?” Ramon tells him. Are they flirting? I hope so. I want to see more Ramon, and Felix needs a boyfriend.

Ramon looks over at Cosima and Sarah, who look just like Alison and his mind is blown.



The group Skype with Alison. She’s thrilled with how nice the arrangement looks. Of course, the gun is inside the flowers. “And thanks for the card, too,” Sarah says. “Are you making fun of me?” Alison demands. “I made that!” Don’t make fun of the crafts, Sarah, or you’ll meet up with the same fate as Aynesley.

Sarah assures her she’s not and Felix says they love her. Alison has to alter a ton of costumes so she can’t be there. She’s a little surprised to hear they don’t have a plan. Alison doesn’t want to know anything so she can have plausible deniability. Plus, she needs to drop off these costumes tonight! Priorities, yo!

Sarah has a plan. And it involves getting Daniel and his suits away from Rachel. She calls him up and tells him to meet up with her, when and where, and P.S. she’ll be driving a red mini van. Wait, what? Oh-oh.

Sure enough, just as Alison is pulling up to drop off the costumes she altered, Daniel’s cronies pull up and try to nab her. She does a great job of fending them off, kicking one in the chest and giving a nasty elbow to the other’s nose. She pulls out her trusty mace and starts spraying, getting one guy good. The best is that she pulls out her rape whistle and starts ineffectively blowing it. She’s too winded and busy fighting to really get any sound out of it. Haha!

Despite being maced the entire time, the second goon manages to shove her in Daniel’s SUV. “Who the hell are you?!” a breathless Alison demands. Daniel takes one look at her and sees she’s not Sarah. He apologizes and says it won’t happen again. Alison leaves in a huff.

Cosima shows up at the DYAD event in her red coat and hold up, that is so Sarah. Her hair’s pulled back and twisted but no dreadlocks. She’s having trouble seeing through the glasses and keeps peeking over them.

She’s convincing enough to fool Delphine, who pulls her in for a kiss and calls Dr. Leekie over. He’s thrilled she’s here. Sarah/Cosima tells him she’s not here to sign his contract and he graciously tells her this is just a starting point. Sarah/Cosima tells him she wants her own lab and Delphine immediately realizes it’s Sarah. She stares but doesn’t blow her cover. Dr. Leekie says this is the best place Cosima could be and Sarah/Cosima thanks him and gives him a big hug, slipping her hand into his pocket. Dr. Leekie leaves to get ready for his speech, not knowing he’s minus one security pass. SUCKER.

Delphine, meet Sarah. Sarah, Delphine. Sarah wants to know where Kira is. Delphine has no idea. She’s never even seen Rachel but guesses Rachel’s using Dr. Leekie’s wing to conduct the big, secret business meeting that’s going on right now. She says no one can get in because you need a high clearance swipe card and Sarah’s all, bitches say what and holds up Leekie’s card. Byeeeeee.

Rachel is greeting a group of Asian businessmen. She presents them with gifts and makes her speech. It sounds like DYAD really is a huge, powerful corporation and she uses words like “Supreme Court Decision” and “legal status of natural vs. synthetic DNA” and “lobbying strategies” and “patent claims”. None of these words sound good for the clones.

Sarah waits till the businessmen leave and Rachel is alone. She walks into the room, but Rachel is not surprised. She’s glad Sarah made it. Whatevs bitch, Sarah just wants her family back. Joke’s on Sarah though, cause Rachel doesn’t have them. She never did and just went with that story to get Sarah to come to them. Kira and Mrs. S were gone when her people went to the house.

Sarah doesn’t believe one word and points her gun at Rachel. Rachel doesn’t think for one moment that Sarah will shoot her and is pretty smug about it. That Rachel, always so smug. Dumbass, Sarah shot her own twin sister-clone. She’ll shoot your cold ass in a heartbeat. Sarah proves me right by shooting a warning shot right over Rachel’s ear and into the glass behind her. Rachel ducks, terrified tand shocked. Sarah means business and demands her daughter back. No more smug face from Rachel now!

Rachel says they’ll get Kira back, together. Sarah gives her a vicious backhand, sending her to the floor and puts the gun to her face. Rachel is livid about being hit. Sounds like she’s very used to being the one with the power and control. Just when it looks like Sarah’s about to put a bullet in her face she’s stopped by Paul. Too bad. I kinda wanted to see Rachel get shot. Does that make me a bad person???

Not so smug now

Not so smug now, huh Rachel?

Rachel gets her smug expression back on now that Paul’s here to protect her so Sarah knocks her out with the gun. That was pretty satisfying, actually. I AM a bad person! :’(

Paul and Sarah point their guns at each other. Paul says it’s over and tells her to turn around. She does, slowly, then suddenly pistol whips him in the face. No! Not Hot Paul’s beautiful face! He says as much and she apologizes. He lets her go. He’ll figure out some excuse to tell the DYAD bigwigs.

Sarah goes to Art’s apartment. She has nowhere else to go. Really? What about Felix’s? I guess she’s hiding.

She tiredly tells Art that the DYAD institute doesn’t have Kira. He knows, it turns out the Cowboy they found dead in the diner is part of a religious extremist group. Like Maggie Chan. Helena’s people. ZOMG. Art wants to know just who Helena is.

A pair of bloody boots stumble down a hallway and I KNOW THAT THEME MUSIC OMG OMG. It’s Helena! She’s somehow alive! Alive! I AM SO HAPPY.

Helena is in terrible shape. She is bloody and weak and can barely walk and dripping blood with every step and smearing blood on the wall as she holds it to support herself and grunting in pain but somehow no one in the hospital she’s entered has noticed this. I guess that’s Obama Care for you AMIRITE? Oh wait, this is Canadian/British.


Still my most favouritest clone of them alllll

Helena makes it all the way to the nurse’s station. “Excuse me,” she gasps and the nurses all look up in horror. “My sees-tra shot me.” This is the last of her strength and she collapses to the floor in a sad little bloody heap. My poor Helena! Someone help her! The nurses hear my screams and rush over to her.

As they gather around Helena the evil Cowboy 1 from the diner walks around the corner and watches them. Are you kidding me? Did he drive her here and drop her off and let her walk in herself? It wouldn’t surprise me. I remember when Thomas watched Helena stumble to his van and didn’t get out to help her until she’d crumpled to the ground. Jerks.

Cowboy 1 adjusts his big good-ole-boy belt buckle. It’s silver and engraved with the same fish as the tattoo on Maggie Chen’s neck and the blade on Helena’s knife. Dun-dun-dunnnnn!

We finally see Kira. Someone’s roughly brushing her hair, pulling her pretty curls. She doesn’t say a word because Kira is brilliant. She’ll just observe for now. The man puts her on a bed in a drab room and gets ready to take her picture. “Look in the camera,” the man orders and she does.

Say cheese!

Say cheese!

No Kira nooooooooooo!