Previously! Question…why was Dragonstone in the opening and not the Eryie? The Vale was such a neat model; I would have liked to have seen that. Know what I was wincing through, wishing I didn’t have to see? ALL THE BAD BOOB SUCKER STUFF. Gah. Wow, did I forget how creepy Aunt Lysa is, and I am actually sorry for freaking Petyr Baelish for having to marry her. That nastiness is strong, Lysa. STRONG.
And you’re welcome for me not grabbing your arm and screaming into your ear: HOLY SHEEP SHORTS, CRASTER’S KEEP!! like I did to my husband. Look, he agreed to “for better or worse,” and it’s not my fault he gets the worst more than the better. I’m just enthusiastic in my fannishness, okay? Oh, and raise your hand if you – like me – are shipping Oberyn and Cersei like they’re a gee dee Spanish Armada?
We open with sweet, sweet baby-faced Tommen
Lannister Baratheon being made King.
“And may the fifth god, erm, the god of cheese, is it? May He bless our Lord with a fine sheep’s feta, that he may delight in its mellow sourness all his days. And the sixth god, crud, erm, the god of stinging insects, may she bless our Lord with a hide that no wasp may pierce, and that they indeed come away with a bent stinger, buzzing,’Ow’ in their small, waspy voices. And may the…what number are we on? Oh for crying out loud, King? We don’t want you to die. May your hair flow like wine, your singing voice drown the Sirens, and honestly we just want to live out our lives without being dragged into another war, amen.”
GeePopPop Tywin claps the hardest and the longest, Cersei is only kind of drunk and moderately pleased, and Margaery…. Oh, beautiful Lady Tyrell stands in the wings simpering sweetly at her future husband until Cersei takes notice and stomps over. (Side note, her hair was FABULOUS.)
And just when you think Cersei is going to rip Margaery a new one…she’s all, “So, that son of mine that you married was a bit of a shit, right? Sorry about that. But how about marrying my other son? You’ll be a good teacher-wife for him, me thinks.”
And Margaery, oooh, she learned to throw shade at Olenna’s knee and replies, “Yeah, gosh. That first wedding was a bit of a nightmare, innit tho? And I’m so heartsick over losing Joffrey–” She stops to smother a laugh. “–that I’ll have to think about it.”
Cersei bites a hole through her lip and then breaks her own fingers as Margaery laughs about her marrying Loras. “So, would I call you sister? Mother? Old bag?”
Down in Meereen, Dany takes in her council’s news, delivered throatily by Jorah in his sexiest newsman voice. Y’all, I could watch FOX if the news was delivered by that voice. She learns Joffrey is dead and the time is right to take King’s Landing. Daario went rogue and took the navy from Meereen, a good 93 ships or so. Yeah, the Lannisters have more, but they’ve been at war for so long that it’s highly unlikely they’d be fresh enough to give a good fight. Selmy thinks that the “old houses” will stand with Dany, but Jorah’s a bit more pragmatic (read: realistic and correct) and says they’ll stand with whoever will win.
And…the Masters have taken over Yunkai, in Astapor a wonk overthrew the council, and it seems like Slaver’s Bay isn’t as “conquered” as once believed. And if she’s going to be the Queen of Westeros, she’ll need to prove she can lead. So she’ll stay put, sic her dragons on the Masters (please?!!?), and she will rule. [insert regal music of Queenliness]
Jorah, unable to believe he could ever love her more, actually falls that much more deeply in love with her. ME, TOO, JORAH. KHALEESI!
Hey, remember when we were all nervous about Sansa being stuck with “Funny Uncle Petyr?” Ha. HAHAHA. Can I just say that Sansa is getting to levels of Theon Greyjoy “wow, how else can we just seriously fuck with you with no hope?” Oh, my poor sweet girl…
They wander through a dangerous crevasse, made so by both the armed archers aiming down at them and that no one is to know it is Sansa Stark Lannister, possible accomplice to the King’s assassination.
Cool strategy talk: while the Lords of the Vale didn’t have much by way of resources, they knew how to use the land to their advantage. No matter the force of your army, you’ll still have to march to the gate three abreast, and it’s like shooting ducks in a barrel. (Hey, you know what wouldn’t be troubled by that? Dragons. I’m just saying.)
Also, I’m thinking GRRM was a big fan of The Princess Bride, because everything is “not once, in a thousand years. No one as beautiful… in a thousand years. No sign of dragons… in a thousand years. No crotch meat like Podrick’s… in a thousand years.” And if you haven’t read that book, you are doing your brain a huge disservice.
They get through the Bloody Gate with Sansa disguised as Petyr’s niece and come to the Eryie where thankfully they’ve just missed feeding time. Robyn – calling Littlefinger “Uncle” – races to Mommy’s Special Friend and crawls all over him. Awesome things: Petyr looking at Sansa like, “Can you believe this shit?”
Petyr has gifts for everyone, a beautifully carved and intricate glass birdie for Robyn and a long-lost niece for Lysa. Sansa gets a hug from her aunt and some creepiness from her cousin.
Robyn: I heard they killed your family! [picks nose]
Sansa: Um, yes.
Robyn: I wanted to throw your baby-man husband out of our door and watch him fly! [claps hands like a creep]
Sansa: I don’t-
Robyn: Like this! [THROWS HIS GOD DAMN GIFT OUT THE FUCKING MOON GATE TALK ABOUT SOME INCONSIDERATE BULL DONK!]
You know, this is what’s wrong with Westeros: no one appreciates a nice gift. Robyn takes her by the hand to show her to her room, and Lysa throws herself on Petyr. Man, he’s good at pretending not to be totally skeeved. She looks like death warmed over. Then again, when you’re breastfeeding a high school student, that tends to rob your body of essential nutrients, I would suspect.
Lysa: MARRY ME. [hums ‘Reunited’ by Peaches and Herb]
Petyr: Let’s…not be hasty.
Lysa: MARRY ME RIGHT NOW I HAVE WAITED SO LONG [rubs herself like a cat in heat over his body, sings] We both are so excited ’cause we’re [hip thrust] reunited, hey, hey!
Petyr: Can I have a flippin’ shower first? Maybe wash my hands or–
Lysa: I HAVE WAITED SINCE YOU SENT ME POISON FOR MY HUSBAND JON ARRYN, FORMER HAND TO THE KING, YEARS AGO, AND WE PLOTTED ALL OF THIS WHILE I DID THINGS TO YOUR MAN FLUTE WHILE YOU CALLED ME CATELYN, DO YOU REMEMBER?
Petyr: …so you want to get married right now, eh?
Lysa: [opens door triumphantly to show wedding party waiting for the groom, and I’m wondering if they overheard anything because wtf, that was not stealthy, Lysa] YES AND IN CASE YOU DON’T REMEMBER I’M A SCREAMER.
Guys, I watched this whole scene standing ON TOP OF MY BED with my hands over my face, making high pitched, creeped out noises that only dolphins could understand. <– I literally was doing this. GAH, she’s so gross! Also, those of a certain age ought to remember “Lassie” from Porkies. Lassie = Lysa? I C WUT U DID THAR.
We cut to Sansa in her bedroom that night trying to block out the sounds of Lysa LITERALLY SCREAMING as Baelish puts it to her.
1) Damn, Petyr!
2) JFC LYSA YOU ARE THE WORST OH MY GOD THAT IS TERRIFYING.
Noises in the bedroom = awesome. As long as they are: sexy moaning, sexy sighs, sexy gasps, dirty talk, loving words. Not awesome noises: farts, “is it in?”, “well wiggle your ass so I can feel it, then!,” and straight up SHRIEKING. Poor Virgin Sansa. Sansa? That is not normal. That is how crazy people bone.
How about a palate cleanser where we talk about the Iron Bank? Everyone loves accountancy! Tywin talks to Cersei about Tommen and Margaery getting married soon (they’re both in favor) and then Cersei marrying Loras two weeks after that (I’m not convinced she thinks it will actually happen). Then we learn the Lannisters are seriously in debt, as is the crown. There is no more gold coming, and the Lannisters always pay their debts. And this time, they’ll pay them by marrying the Tyrells and foisting the debt onto them. Ooh, shady!
Tywin also makes sure she understands that he won’t be talking about Tyrion’s trial with her. And she makes sure he understands that both of his sons have failed him in his vision for their family, but she has given him two kings. BURN.
And wow, the awesome editing where it cuts to a fire; Arya’s going through her list of names before falling asleep, pissing off the Hound. Oh, I’m bothering you? Fine, last name, then: THE HOUND. Yeah, she didn’t forget you killing her friend, buddy. (He thinks it’s cute, little girl playing at assassin.)
Lady Lysa has that post-Baelish bliss on her face as she serves Sansa some lemon cakes (HEY WHERE DO LEMONS COME FROM? I believe that’s where the Tyrells are from? Am I right? Olenna was all about the lemon cakes and cheese? Because she is me.) – Cat used to love sweets, but misogyny, no fat chicks, Daddy wanted her pretty, blah – and then shit goes downhill fast.
Lysa grabs Sansa’s hands in a death grip. Because, ha, Lysa finds it so very interesting that Petyr felt so responsible for Sansa. Why is that? Why would that be when Cat never loved him, oh yes, Lysa knows all about that, so why is her new husband – you did hear him putting it to me last night, didn’t you? – wants so badly to help Sansa?
Lysa: Are you fucking him?
Sansa: [swallows her own bile] WHAT? No!
Lysa: Are you letting him do things to you? Did you let that dwarf do things to you? Disgusting, evil, horrible… [dreamy face] …things to your young, nubile, lush body?
Sansa: You are freaking me out.
Lysa: ARE YOU A DIRTY DIRTY GIRL? I CAN SEE YOUR DIRTY PILLOWS!
Sansa: He hates me, calls me stupid and dumb, says how hot your eye bags are, how cool your saggy teats are, and no no no, I am a virgin, ahhhhh!
Lysa: There, there, sweet baby. Such hysterics! [soothing kiss to her brow] You’ll be a widow soon and then you’ll marry Robyn – I’ll keep breastfeeding him, of course – and you’ll be the lady of the Vale, how does that sound?
TERRIBLE, LYSA. THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE. Good lord, poor Sansa. This kid cannot catch a break, can she? (But that was a nice bit of learning how to undo situations with words there, wasn’t it?) Guys? I want to watch Lysa fly.
Podrick awkwardly rides a horse as Brienne wonders for the millionth time why she’s been saddled with such a dope. (Because we love it, Brienne, that’s why.) Looks like she’s got her work cut out for her. Podrick’s “Aww, jeez!” face as he tries to make the horse go forward is a thing of beauty. She tries to turn Pod loose, but there’s no doing it. He’s stuck on her like a barnacle.
The Hound wakes to find Arya practicing her water dancing style of sword fighting and makes fun of her for it. Whoever taught her that nonsense – “The greatest swordsman who ever lived!” – oh? He’s still alive, then? – “…no. He was killed by Meryn Trant.” – that arsehole? My mother could kill Meryn Trant, and she doesn’t have any arms and is blind. – “Oh, yeah? BELLY STAB!”
Honey? You can SEE his armor. And he knocks her down, reminding her that what matters in a fight is that you have body armor and a weapon. But mostly that armor bit. Yeah, your name isn’t falling off her list any time soon, Clegane.
Prince Oberyn sits in an idyllic setting writing poetry because he’s perfect. Seriously, I want to hollow him out and wear him like man pants. Going commando. (Are we there in our friendship? I can say that to you, right?) He and Cersei go for a lovely walk, we learn he has eight daughters, one of them he mistakenly named after his murdered sister, so it’s a constant, painful reminder, but Cersei wants to talk about her daughter. He assures Cersei she’s being treated well and is happy.
“We don’t hurt little girls in Dorne.”
Cersei scoffs softly. “Everywhere in the world they hurt little girls.”
EXCUSE ME WHILE I STAND IN SALUTE, CRYING SOFTLY WITH AN AMEN IN MY HEART, CERSEI. Because this needed to be said, and this needed to be said by HER. Also, how is it that even in a FANTASY WORLD women are still raped and abused? Yeah, that’s not how things would be in my fantasy, JSYK. Do better, male writers of the world.
Cersei’s had a small ship made for her daughter and hopes it can be given to her. And I hope Myrcella uses it to sail to freedom. Oberyn looks at Cersei with new eyes, and then they fall in love, sail to Dorne, have passionate, consensual sex (Ellaria Sand is there, too) and never think about King’s Landing again. SIGH.
Podrick screws up dinner by not knowing to take the skin off the rabbit, ahahaha. Oh my god.
Smeagol: [pained wailing] What’s it doing!? Stupid, fat, Podricks! It ruins it!!
Brienne would just like to know what exactly Pod did for Tyrion? “Well, there was getting bottles of wine…” – Yes? – “..and then opening the wine…” – Okay? – “and of course, pouring the wine.” – I…see. “There was a lot of wine, m’lady.”
He also admits to killing a Kingsguard back in Blackwater, defending Lord Tyrion. Well, now she’s a little more impressed. “I could help you take off your armor!” he says.
No, you bloody well won’t! [She struggles with the clasps.] Fine. He gets to it, smiling because he has a special purpose again.
Hey, it’s been, what, ten minutes since there was a rape? Let’s go to Craster’s! Locke spies Rast abusing a girl, does a quick recon (including Bran Stark’s whereabouts) and tells the hiding Jon Snow and his men the deets. Oh, and stay away from the shed, there’s a bunch of mean dogs in there. =| But the Keep dudes are drunk, not paying attention, and it should be easy to do this.
Great lines: Locke saying, “You should see what I can do with a knife.” *cough* Jamie Lannister’s hand.
Jojen’s got the hydrophobie and is possibly dying? IDK. But he tells his sister and Bran to keep going. He can see the weirwood tree from Bran’s vision and that Bran will get there. Then he watches a vision of his hand burning and yeah, this child has a fever, his hands felt like two balloons, he caught a fleeting glimpse out of the corner of his eye, but when he turned to look it was gone, his flaming finger’s wrong now and he needs some medical attention, like, yesterday.
The poor man’s Willem Dafoe (Karl Tanner) has decided he needs to get up on Meera because she has nice hair like his mother. No, that’s not disturbing at all. What he leaves of her, the others can have. Time for this guy to die! Oh good lord, he’s going to do it in front of her brother and Bran, too, WHAT THE-
Jojen offers himself up because he has The Shine and can help.
Karl: Did you foresee being caught?
Karl: How about me raping your sister and killing you?
Karl: Not much of a Seer are you?
Jojen: I saw you die. Watched you burn. Tonight, in fact. Saw the men creeping out of the woods to do it.
TO ARMS! The shout comes just then from the other Craster Creeps, and a battle is upon them. The Creeps have grown complacent while the men of the Watch have been training daily. Locke makes his way quickly to Bran, gets him free and leaves the others. Bran is smart enough to know to shut up. Oh, and Warg into Hodor, helping Hodor break free and chase them down. Oh, and strangling Locke, snapping his neck in the most wicked looking compound fracture I’ve seen on this show yet, damn.
Sad moment; Hodor coming back to consciousness and seeing blood on his hands. :( But fuck you, Locke, you deserved to die. Hodor goes to free Jojen and Meera while Bran lies helpless in the snow. Jojen points out that Jon would force Bran back to Castle Black, so they don’t alert Jon to their presence. Double :( :( I wanted the Starks to have a reunion!
Karl Tanner has two short swords in hand and a heart full of malice as Jon challenges him inside the keep. Um, the two swords are crazy effective, but Jon? You have a longer reach. Stop telegraphing your attack and stab the fucker. Nope, Karl gets in a great leg stab, all while smarming about how free he is there, how he can do anything he likes, and knocks Jon to the ground, disarming him because he knows how to fight dirty.
Protip: when fighting for your life, FIGHT DIRTY.
One of Craster’s women hits Karl in the back with a hatchet. He PULLS IT OUT, rounds on her, but before he can end her miserable life, Jon HEAD STABS HIM HOLY SMOKES CHOKE ON THAT, ASSHOLE!!!
Things I didn’t like: Jon not shoving Karl’s dying body away from that poor girl. Hasn’t she suffered enough? He’s gotta dump her dead rapist’s body on her lap?
Jon offers her his hand. “Are you all right?”
NOPE. NOT REALLY. SUFFERING PRETTY HARD FROM PTSD, THX.
The other women huddle together as the Watch count the bodies. Rast is missing. Oh, he’s running off in the dark like a dummy, right to Ghost’s pen (why?) and HEY SNEAK DIREWOLF ATTACK AHAHAHAHA. Yep, he’s dead. Good job, puppy!!
He goes back home and Jon’s all excited to see his puppy again because puppies are the best and Ghost is awesome and you should hug all the puppies. :(
Jon offers shelter at Castle Black to the women, and their spokeslady (their mom? The first wife? IDK) says, “Yeah. Sorry if this sounds rude and all, but I don’t really trust any men because we’ve Seen Things. We haven’t been safe anywhere. So let’s first off burn this mother out, and then second, y’all keep on keeping on because we’re going to find our own way. We’re making a village of women for women BY women and you’re not invited, thaaaaaanks.”
I feel that.
I was so happy to watch them set that place ablaze, to see the women say, “No, we’re not going with any of you,” and the relief on their faces when the flames rose up against the black sky. So. Cool.
Okay, next week is going to be INSANE. We have:
- Theon’s sister coming to collect him (hooray!)
- Roose covered in wounds ready to fight her
- The Iron Bank (new place on the map?)
- Tyrion’s court case
My prediction: when Tyrion’s asked, “Do you wish to confess?” he smarts off with something like, “To being devastatingly handsome and a lover of wine? Yes, I confess, it’s true.”
Reminder that I’m not a book reader, spoiler-phobic, and only cool people hang out here, so you must be This Cool to Ride. *points to comment section, filled with awesome, thoughtful people*
How is this the fastest hour on television? I am continually shocked when the credits roll, damn. Come talk at me! (And I love when comments spurn great discussions, so feel free! Just remember: no spoilers, no rude behavior, keep being amazing.)