Orphan Black 2×08 – Variable and Full of Perturbation

Hi, I'm the new clone. I should be interesting but I kinda come across as gimmicky. I make Josie cry. We need more Helena.

Hi, I’m the new clone. I should be interesting but I kinda come across as gimmicky. I make Josie cry. We need more Helena.

Previously: Alison, Felix and Sarah stopped Vic from spilling the beans about Alison’s involvement with Aynesley’s death. Cosima finds out that the mysterious DNA match is actually Kira. Donnie had no idea he was a monitor and that Alison is a clone. I KNEW IT. Hot Paul glowered a lot. Rachel found out her father is still alive and that Leekie killed her mother and gets Leekie fired/gets a hit on him but still has daughterly love and lets him go. Donnie finds Leekie on the street and demands to talk to him in the car. Ooops, he accidently shot Leekie in the head. Byeeeee Max Headroom.

So guys. Guys. This recap was a tough one for me. Tough cause I HATED this episode. I’m keeping it short and sweet and to the point. So let’s get started, shall we?


We open with a van racing down a street. It pulls into a garage to hide from their attackers…ugh. I can’t do it. I can’t care about this new clone. I just can’t. The entire storyline is muddled and confusing and kinda boring all at the same time.

So anyways, this new clone is named Tony. He’s transgendered. His monitor/friend/lover dies from a bullet wound in the chase, but not before telling Tony to go see Beth Childs. They weren’t attacked by the police, this was someone else. It was DYAD. I hate this episode so much.

The makeup for Tony is really, really bad. It’s just Sarah but with slightly thicker brows, a penciled-in fuzzy upper lip and a chin full of someone’s pubes. I’m sorry, it had to be said. It looks like someone glued pubes to his chin. Ginger pubes, in fact. Maybe our angry ginger Gracie helped out, I dunno.

What did she say about my facial hair??

What did she say about my facial hair??

Sarah returns to see Mrs. S and Felix brings Kira over. I guess Cal has fulfilled his babysitting purpose so hopefully we’ll never see him again. Byeeee.

Cosima locks Delphine out of the lab cause they’re fighting still over the DNA. Scott is kinda turned on over it cause, you know, lesbians are hot.

Scott and Cosima drill into Kira’s tooth and start making crazy science. No, not sex, actual science.

Alison comes home from rehab, annoyed that Donnie didn’t pick her up. He’s huddled in bed, hiding from the bad thing he did. Alison smells alcohol and whips the covers off, shocked to find the bed full of her tiny little bottles. Donnie knows all about her stashes and has taken full advantage. Apparently one of Alison’s secret stashes was labeled ‘BUTTONS’. I love that crazy clone!

Seriosuly, these two just crack me up. Donnie is a perfect 'every man'

Donnie does not wear boxers from LuLu Lemon

The kids interrupt their fight and Alison herds them off to Grandma’s for a while. Take time to think about this, Donnie!

Art meets up with Tony and is surprised to see he’s a boy and not a girl. Tony thought he was meeting Beth. Art calls Felix for backup because everyone calls Felix for backup cause Felix is awesome.

Rachel leaves another message for Paul. Looks like he’s disappeared. Delphine has been summoned and is told Leekie had a heart attack. Delphine now works for Rachel, who pretends to care about Cosima and that her father could help with the treatment.

Felix finds Art and Tony in his flat. Things get really weird. Tony is pissed to find out that Beth is dead. He has a secret message to tell only her, from his own monitor, but he’s not telling them until they tell him what’s going on. They get him to stay while Art checks out Tony’s story.

Sarah and Kira are making a mobile. Kira asks if Helena’s okay and Sarah’s like, oh sure, she’s fine, I left her to her own devices but it’s all good. Is it, Sarah? Is it?

Delphine shows up at Mrs. S’s with news of Leekie’s death (she doesn’t believe for a second that Rachel wasn’t involved) and Rachel’s proposal: Dr. Duncan, Rachel’s father, should be able to cure Cosima without having to use Kira’s DNA. Mrs. S agrees.

Cosima comes back to the lab to find Scott and his friends playing Runewars, which looks like a cross between Magic the Gathering and Risk. She plays too and kicks all their asses because Cosima is amazing. She coughs up blood. Noooooo!

'PILLAGE', bitches! Suck itttttttttt

‘PILLAGE’, bitches! Suck itttttttttt

Delphine shows up and tells her about Leekie. She says Kira’s tooth was a bandaid but Duncan should be able to help with a real cure. Cosima kicks the nerds out and decides it’s time to get baked on helium whaaaat?

Tony hangs out with Felix. He thinks he’s related to Beth. Tony is supposed to be cheeky and flirty but it’s just odd. Watching him flirt with Felix is skeevy because he looks so much like Sarah. “You are so much like my sister,” Felix says, confirming what I just typed.

Alison catches Donnie packing up in the middle of the night. He says he’s leaving. She says they aren’t at that point yet. She sits on the couch and asks tearfully, “Don’t you love me anymore? Did you ever love me?” Donnie tearfully throws his face in her lap. He loves her so much you guys! I’m so happy!

This gives me happy

This gives me happy

Tony takes a bath and hits on Fee and noooooo. No. No. No. No. NO. Just no. Art texts Felix who pretends to go get some beer for them. Art is waiting in the hall with beer and info. Tony’s story checks out. His monitor met Beth and was shot just like Tony said. It was a military hit. DYAD. Art says whoever shot Tony’s monitor will come after Tony next. Felix wants to try to get the info out of Tony before having to call Sarah. Cause that will help how…? Just friggin call Sarah UGH.

Felix comes back in to find Tony taking his weekly shot of testosterone. Tony keeps eyefucking Felix. I’m displeased.

Duncan reads to Kira: The Island of Dr. Moreau. Wow, what could that possibly mean *eyeroll*

Felix gives up and calls Sarah, like he should have from the very beginning wtf. Sarah is on her way. As soon as he hangs up he turns around to find Tony right up in his face. Tony leans close and seductively kisses Felix. Felix can’t resist. “Mmmm tasty Tony…” Tony whispers and EW WHAT. WTF. C’mon, really now, wtf?

My eyes cannot unsee what has already been seen

My eyes cannot unsee what has already been seen

Felix stops the kiss and Tony walks over to the hidden picture of Sarah that he found. No one will tell each other anything and this is so dumb.

Delphine and Cosima get high on helium cause…? They talk things out once the helium wears off. Delphine loves Cosima and Cosima forgives her for not telling her about Kira’s stem cells. Delphine wants to save her. That’s terrific but Cosima threatens that she will turn on her and destroy her career if Delphine betrays her again. But she loves her too.

What better time to inhale helium?

What better time to inhale helium?

Alison and Donnie confess their sins to each other. Alison goes first, whispering in Donnie’s ear. He looks at her, completely shocked, but manages to top her secret, “I killed Dr. Leekie!” I mean, he just loudly blurts it out.

These two are just the best.

Tony’s done waiting and is about to leave when he literally bumps right into Sarah in the hallway. Sarah tells him all about the clones. Tony tells Sarah that his monitor, Sammy, was ex-military. He gives them the message to Beth from Sammy: Keep the faith. Paul’s like Sammy. He’s a ghost. I knew it, Hot Paul is the good guy. I mean, duh, did you see how hot he is? Sarah breathes Paul’s name and I can only hope this really does mean we’ll never see boring ole Cal ever again and a lot more of Paul’s sweet sweet can.

Rachel still can’t find a trace of Paul. Her father comes to the lab to help with Cosima. Rachel tells him their relationship must remain professional. No Daddy-Daughter Day for these two!

Donnie shows Alison the dead Leekie in their car trunk. She’s annoyed that he isn’t very well wrapped in plastic. She’s even more annoyed to find out that Donnie used her gun to kill him. And by annoyed I mean ‘livid’.

Are you SHITTING me?  (No but I'm pretty sure Leekie did) Thank you, thank you, I'm here all night. Tip your waitress.

-Are you SHITTING me?
(No but I’m pretty sure Leekie did)
Thank you, thank you, I’m here all night. Tip your waitress.

Rachel asks Duncan why Sarah was able to have a child. Oh silly girl. All the clones were made barren on purpose. Sarah was the failure. Rachel keeps her composure but inside she’s seething over this. We see a cut of her trashing Leekie’s office in a fit of raaage after Duncan leaves. Rachel is losing it.

Felix puts Tony on a bus to safety. Felix gives Tony a clone phone and Tony gives him a quick kiss and tells him, “Bye, sister-kisser.” EW NO. NO. NO. NO. NONONONONONONONONO. NO KISSING.

Scott and Cosima get ready to meet Duncan. Cosima confesses to Scott that she’s the clone subject he’s been working on. Scott is thrilled. Cosima is even more thrilled to meet Dr. Duncan and calls him her ‘maker’. Just call me Ethan, Duncan tells her. Cosima immediately starts coughing and collapses on the floor as she has an epileptic type fit, blood all over her face. Well, that’s not good.

Kira wakes up in her bed with Sarah sleeping next to her. She gets the book Dr. Duncan was reading to her and opens it. The Island of Dr. Moreau. Is filled with formulas written in the margins. Dun dun dunnnn.

So, why do I not like the clone Tony? It was the only time that Tatiana didn’t pull off a character for me. The makeup was bad. He was boring and poorly written. I love how the show treats gays and lesbians, they’re fully fleshed characters. They aren’t just a token person showing up here and there, they’re stars of the show. Plus, they have normal relationships and issues. It’s not the fact that Tony is trans that I don’t like, it’s his actual character and storyline and makeup and hair. And the whole Felix attraction thing was just plain icky.