Orphan Black 2×09 – Things Which Have Never Yet Been Done


Don't mess with Donnie Hendricks, bitch.

Don’t mess with Donnie Hendrix, bitch.

Previously: NO.

This week’s episode was a mix of awesome and a little boring. I feel that Sarah and Cosima’s storyline has really stalled while Alison and Helena’s are always interesting. Of course this is just my personal opinion but since you’re here reading this you’re just gonna have to listen to what I say now aren’t you? SUCKER.

It’s a shame that the show has floundered on it’s last two episodes of the season. They do have the season ender next week to redeem themselves, but will they be able to? It was a strange time to change the pacing, that’s for sure.



This episode is titled ‘Things Which Have Never Yet Been Done’ but really it should’ve been called ‘How Donnie Got His Groove Back’. *high five*

Alison and Donnie are a team, you guys, and they are most definitely Team Awesome. Alison cleans Leekie goo from the car trunk and then the two of them start re-wrapping Leekie in plastic. Of course the plastic is patterned cause, duh, it’s Alison. They wrap and tape and Donnie almost barfs a few times but he’s got this. Once Leekie’s all bundled like a gift they toss him into the freezer and cover him with frozen food. Good job, guys!

Back at the Creepy Cult Farm, Helena is getting invitro-ed by Henrik. The midwife, Alexis, is there for support and holds Helena’s hand. Helena squeezes hard and Alexis regrets her decision. Poor Helena knows nothing about her body and babies and asks, “What is cervix?” when Henrik is guiding her through the process. She’s also rather thrilled when he holds up the syringe of fertilized egg fluid. “Are those my babies?” Poor Helena just wants a family.

Babies grow in cervix?

Babies grow in cervix?

Rachel is busily pretending that she cares about Cosima and Sarah. She butters up Delphine and offers her Leekie’s old job. Don’t screw up, Delphine, or you’ll get fired. Oh, did I say fired? I meant killed. Delphine falls for it.

The first thing on Delphine’s list is to convince Sarah to get Kira’s bone marrow. They want to use it to reboot Cosima’s immune system as the tumors have spread all over her body, which isn’t good. Duncan’s gene therapy will take months to develop.

Sarah and Alison Skype with Cosima. Sarah is still on the fence about trusting DYAD with Kira. She wants to help but needs to talk things through. Alison is in tears at seeing how sick Cosima has gotten. She’s so sweet. She’s also practical and, at Donnie’s urging, casually asks about this Dr. Leekie death thing. Sarah and Cosima both think it’s bull that DYAD is saying he had a heart attack.

Looks like Alison and Donnie are in the clear and no one knows what really happened to Leekie. In the garage, they discuss how to dispose of the body and come up with the best idea: dig up the garage floor and bury him there! They get a jackhammer and Donnie struggles at breaking into the cement. No worries, Alison’s got this. She takes control, looks Donnie straight in the eye, and immediately hammers through. It’s sexual and Donnie is tres impressed. They’re such a great team and I love them both.

Alexis the midwife brings Helena to visit the daycare preschool. The place is teeming with creepy cult children. One little girl takes a real shine to Helena and grins happily when Helena sticks her tongue out at her. The girl sticks hers back. Helena is enchanted. She really does love children.

Henrik and Mark are chatting. Henrik thanks Mark for his service to the country and says he thanks god that Mark went AWOL and found them so it looks like Mark was in the military at some point. Is that a thank you or a subtle threat? Anyways, Henrik knows Mark has a soft spot for Ginger Gracie and wants him to be her husband cause guess what? It’s time for her to get pregnant. Or ‘bear fruit’ as Daddy says, really putting the creepy in the Creepy Cult Farm. Mark is delighted. I guess he doesn’t love Helena after all. Sniff.

Sarah, Felix and Mrs. S. come up with a plan to get a safe place for Kira’s bone marrow transplant. Mrs. S knows a doctor and a hospital that will do it without DYAD’s involvement. Sarah sits with Kira and asks her if she’ll do it to save Cosima’s life. Kira agrees because she’s awesome. Sarah hugs her tight and cries because that’s all she does now, just looks lovingly at Kira.

Scott fixes an old computer that will have the ability to read Duncan’s old floppy disks. Cosima cracks a joke about Scott being a virgin and wow, that was kinda mean. The disk starts reading the encrypted code and Duncan starts unlocking the encryption blah blah blah.

Donnie and Alison are still working on their Leekie grave when the kids run in. There’s a man here to visit! It’s Vic the Dick and he looks like he’s right back to his usual disastrous self. They argue in the house and Vic tries to get them to say anything incriminating about Aynesley’s death, anything at all, cause he’s so obviously wired. They don’t bite and order him out of their house. Vic leaves and goes straight to the nearby van where stupid Detective Angela is waiting for him.

Back at the Creepy Cult Farm, the kids are all gathered around Henrik as he tells some lame story. They love it cause they don’t have TV or a life. Alexis the midwife announces that it’s nap time which is also crazy because these kids are at least 4 and are entirely too old for napping. Henrik pauses in front of Helena and tells her that one day it will be filled with Helena’s children. How many babies is Helena gonna have?

The sweet girl that likes Helena comes over and touches Helena’s crazy blonde hair. They have a moment, smiling at each other, but it’s ruined when Alexis the midwife angrily grabs the little girl by her upper arms and shakes her a bit. The kids here are obviously abused, seeing as how Alexis is freaking out over the girl not immediately doing as she was told. The girl whimpers that Alexis is hurting her. “You’re lucky you don’t get the strap!” Alexis hisses. Wow. Creepy Cult Farm is a shitty place to live.

Alexis sends the girl off with a smack and asks Helena and Ginger Gracie if they’re ready to head back. Alexis obviously thinks nothing of child abuse. Guess who does think it’s a big deal? Answer: Helena. She grabs Alexis and throws her against the wall.

Do not mess with Helena

Do not mess with Helena, bitch

Alexis the midwife is completely terrified as Helena threatens to kill her if she ever touches that little girl again. “I will gut you…like a fish!” This is why I love Helena. Sure she’s a crazy killer but she also has heart and she knows what it’s like to be abused and she stands up to people and she’s loyal. She’s such a strange mix of good and bad.

Ginger Gracie also loves that Helena stood up for the girl. She looks at Helena with a newfound admiration. Do I smell a friendship?

Kira’s in the hospital, giving her bone marrow for Cosima, with Felix and Sarah protectively standing next to her. They don’t trust DYAD and they’re not leaving Kira alone for a moment. I know that Sarah really really loves her daughter but if I have to watch one more scene of Sarah looking adoringly at Kira I’m going to barf.

Ugh we get it geeeeze

Ugh we get it geeeeze

The doctor takes a huge turkey baster-looking tool and twists it into Kira’s hip and it does look pretty horrible. Sarah shakes and cries as she watches. They take many vials of marrow and give them over to Dephine. All Kira needs is to rest here overnight and she’ll be fine in a couple of days.

Meanwhile, Vic is still skulking around Alison’s house, peeking into the garage. He can’t quite see what’s going on inside but he can definitely see the gun that Donnie has. Whoops.

I just needed to use the bathroom?

I just needed to use the bathroom?

Donnie is absolutely hilarious, dragging Vic into the garage and holding the gun right to his head. “I think I should shoot him, Ali! I’m telling you, this is a hair trigger! One second you’re here, the next-BANG!” He’s playing loose cannon cop to Alison’s reasonable cop and Vic falls for it hook, line and sinker. Vic shouts that he doesn’t give a shit about what they’re doing and confesses that Detective Angela has been forcing him to try to get info on Alison. He thinks Angela isn’t even supposed to be doing it, that it’s unofficial police work, and that Angela thinks there’s five Alisons. “There’s eleven, esse,” Donnie hisses and totally wins Best Line Delivery of the season, narrowly edging out Helena’s, “Dirty, sexy Rachel.”

Alison is completely shocked when Donnie tells her the safety is on. He learns from his mistakes and tells Vic he’s not going to shoot him…by accident, anyways. Vic sighs, “God I hate this garage.” Oooh, that line is a close contender for the title!

Donnie drags Vic back to the van and climbs inside with him, completely surprising Angela. She tries to bluff that this is police business but Donnie complete destroys her and calls out every single things she could get fired for. “You don’t want to know what we know, and if you come near our home again I will bury you!” He pulls out his phone and takes a picture of them. “Smile!”

I just about died when Vic dropped the gang sign for the picture

I just about died when Vic dropped the gang sign for the picture

“Have a shitty day!” Donnie leaves, grinning and strutting and I love him so much!

Ginger Gracie is getting implanted in the Barn of Horrors and she hates her life so much you guys. She gets to sleep in the same place as Helena while she multiplies. Helena sits in her bed across from her and asks her why she’s sad to be pregnant. Doesn’t she like Mark? Helena gets a wake up call when Gracie realizes that Helena has no idea what’s happening here. Henrik, her own father, has implanted the eggs he himself fertilized into Gracie, his daughter. Gracie is carrying Helena’s babies. “Haven’t you been listening to anything my father says?” Gracie asks angrily and Helena has decency to look a little ashamed. “Not really…”

My babies are in your cervix?

My babies are in your cervix?

Mark shows up, thrilled to see Gracie. He confirms to Helena that Henrik put children in all the women to ‘multiply’ cause that’s godly and divine and all that shit. Helena calls him out, telling him that Mark loves Gracie like puppy but, “you let them make her brood mare.” Mark’s like, no no, the women here love being used like cattle, they don’t see it like that, right Gracie, love, baby, darling…? Gracie turns away from him. Looks like that’s a no, Mark.

Dr. Marion Bowles is the new bad guy at DYAD now that Leekie is gone and she’s questioning Rachel’s mindset. Rachel assures her that she’s just fine and to tell the higher-ups that she’s just taken charge and she know what the goals are. Well good then. Marion takes the time to point out that Sarah Manning is a bee in their bonnet. Rachel assures her that ‘she’s in hand.’

Once Marion leaves, Rachel goes into a high tech screening room and drinks a martini while watching her old family videos. She laughs in delight and for some reason this is more terrifying than anything. She chugs her drink and weeps at the declarations of love, whispering, “stupid…stupid…” to herself for feeling anything at all. Rachel’s tightly reined in emotions are escaping.

Who knew that someone laughing in delight could be this frightening

Who knew that someone laughing so happily could be this frightening

She finishes her video and pulls up some pictures of Sarah and Kira. This can’t be good.

Delphine returns to DYAD with the marrow and comes to let Rachel know it’s being processed for transplant. Rachel plays Delphine like a violin, pretending to ‘accidentally’ leave incriminating information on her computer screen for Delphine to see. Delphine now thinks that the creepy man that took Kira for Mrs. S. is a double agent. Sucker!

Ginger Gracie wakes up to find Helena getting dressed to leave. Helena says she doesn’t belong here and is going back to her seestra. YES. “You’re a good girl, Gracie,” Helena tells her, voice trembling. “But if you don’t want to have my babies, don’t have my babies.” Gracie assures her she would never end a pregnancy and pulls on her boots. She’s coming with her!

Oh, but no one’s going anywhere cause Henrik suspected this would happen and was hiding in the dark like some sort of creeper. He has a rifle and tells them to get back into bed but they both refuse to be intimidated by him and his false God. Gracie knows her mother has gone away to find more brood mares and tells him they can both go to hell. Henrik responds by knocking Helena out with a rifle to the face and locking Gracie back into the barn stall. That went well.

Mark walks in, shocked to find Gracie locked up again. Henrik tells him to leave her alone, she has a lot of thinking to do. Mark stares at Gracie and reaches for the lock. He pauses when Henrik shouts at him, but instead of being the good little boy Henrik expects, he turns on him. He’s angry that Henrik put his own children in Gracie cause, dude, gross. “You’re not locking Gracie up anymore!”

Helena jumps on Henrik’s back and chokes him out, telling them to run. They do. YAY.

Alison and Donnie toss Leekie in the hole, cover him, and pour the cement over. Once it’s all smooth you can’t even tell there was ever a hole. Donnie scrapes a heart in the wet cement, telling Alison he’s always wanted to do that. Alison stares at him and at first it looks like she’s mad about him defacing her perfectly smooth cement but instead she breathes, “I’ve never been more attracted to you than I am right now!” She literally jumps onto him and they kiss madly. “Take this off!” she pants and Donnie completely cracks me up with his, “Oh YEAH!” gasp of delight. They both decide to do it on the freezer in some sort of twisted kinky sex moment. “I want to get nasty!” Alison turns around for a little doggie style, Donnie pulls down his underwear and I cheer for these crazy kids.

Donnie ass is good ass because Donnie rules!

I love how much hot ass I get to see on this show

Henrik comes to and finds himself taped up spread eagled to the hospital bed and about to experience some of the horrors he inflicted on countless women. Payback’s a bitch, amirite?? He tries to reason with Helena that he’s the father of her children and they’ll need him but it doesn’t work. “Daddy, how do you make babies?” Helena asks sarcasticly, holding up vials of animal sperm. “Do you like…horse baby…? Cow baby.” She loads up a big injector looking instrument and Henrik tells her this isn’t funny. “Do I look like I’m trying to be funny?” Helena asks and shiiiit, that line was also the best. It’s a tie, Donnie. A tie.

Helena stands between Henrik’s spread legs and he begs her not to do this. Helena’s enjoying every minute of this torture and I have to admit, so am I. So am I. She shoves the instrument up into him and laughs evilly as he screams in pain.



Then she burns that place to the ground, yo.

Delphine comes to the hospital and gets Sarah to leave Kira’s side and come outside to talk to her. Delphine’s afraid that DYAD would see her if she called or came inside. She tells Sarah the false information about creepy guy being a double agent and Sarah immediately runs back to protect Kira.

In the hallway, Mrs. S. asks Sarah what Delphine wanted. “To warn us. Rachel’s making a move,” Sarah says, and tells them to secure the elevator. Creepy guy is right beside them and Sarah doesn’t say anything about him being a double agent. She starts gathering up Kira, waking Felix, who asks what’s going on. “We’re not safe here,” Sarah says, sounding exactly like Rachel wait wtf omg I fell for it again. Her hair is entirely too perfect for this to be Sarah.

Felix stands up and his phone rings. It’s Sarah calling to warn him. Rachel-in-a-Sarah-wig injects him in the neck with a needle, knocking him out just as he’s about to shout for help. Too slow, Fee.

Sarah runs up, confusing Mrs. S. because she was just here…? Sarah immediately tells Mrs. S. to keep creepy guy away because he’s with DYAD. He’s not, and he’s confused. They find Kira gone and Fee unconscious and Mrs. S immediately puts two and two together. They’ve been had!

Kira wakes up in a little girl’s room, all pink and darling and decorated sweetly. It’s a prison…a pretty prison but a prison none the less. Kira isn’t stupid and knows something bad has happened. She asks for her Mom and Mrs. S. and Rachel tries to reassure her. “Dear child. I know how frightening this must be for you. But…you’ll get used to it. You may even grow to like it here. Just as I did.”

Sorry Helena and Donnie, but the best line of the episode goes to my husband Kevin: “God, kidnapping Kira is getting as old as Mulder looking for his sister.