Walking Dead 5.7 – Crossed

Previously:  Dr. Mullet’s whole reason for living is a lie! Beth is still trapped! Carole is in danger, gorl! It’s the penultimate episode before our hiatus and a lot of pieces get moved on the board.

Now THAT is how you decorate a church in the apocalypse.

Now THAT is how you decorate a church in the apocalypse.

Sasha, meanwhile is taking apart the pews in the church with an ax, and Ty is pulling out pipes to the organ (nooooo! And I wish I could see what music was there) that are being used to fortify the entrance to the church. Outside, Father Gabriel wonders if they’re going to take the cross, too as we hear hammering and fortification happening to the church.

And I was pleased to see that Rosita clearly knew how to make a homemade water filter like I detailed a few eps ago. SEE? I AM GOING TO KEEP Y’ALL ALIVE, YO.

Rick debates going to Atlanta thusly: “I don’t wanna.”

Michonne: Cool. I volunteer as tribute.
Gabriel: [looms ominously as he looks at the “You’ll burn for this” scratched into the wall.] This is not my beautiful house.

Rick passes off Judith to Michonne, hugs Carl, and leaves with Sasha, Ty, and Daryl, Noah joining their ranks. Judith immediately begins to wail. FUN how that echoes inside! Another flash at the scriptures talking about the dead arising as Gabriel frets, then sees blood on the floor. He’s all, “Out, out, damn spot!” with our second episode filled with Macbeth overtures, and son, you’ll never keep a manicure, scratching the wood floors like that! He is LITERALLY reenacting Lady Macbeth here.

In the break: A BETTER CALL SAUL PROMO. Oh god, yes yes YES. Sorry, I’m really looking forward to that. BACK TO WALKERS.

Sasha and Ty are in the back of a truck as Rick races them all to Atlanta. Ty’s trying to be a good big brother to her, but she’s inexplicably sad over the Nice Guy we were made to believe meant something to her. (NO OFFENSE TO THE ACTOR. But I will not believe that character on my screen had any reason to cause Sasha to feel this deeply for him given what was on screen. Sorry!)

At Grady, Beth eyes Carol as Doctor Feelgood checks Carol’s vitals. She’s stable, at least. You know who else was stable’d? Sophia. OOOOH DEAD WALKERS IN THE BARN JOKE I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, I’m sorry.

At the Walker Farm (man, I wish we’d get a close up!), Glenn watches the road as Tara tries to revive Dr. Mullet. (Random: I do like that Tara has a regular woman’s body by television standards.) They’re debating what to do about Eugene—move him, leave him?

Me: LEAVE HIM. He is a liar and a creep! Glenn knows as much as he does, TBH.

Abraham is punishing himself while kneeling and refusing water. Rosita tries to push him to actually talking about things, but maybe he’s getting pushed wrong. Maggie thinks so as she pulls iron on him and orders him to sit after seeing him menace his own girlfriend. He thankfully responds to her command. He’s a solider after all. (So’s Maggie. <3)

Rick’s group—with solid intel provided by Noah, no doubt—has a killer plan to slip into the hospital late that night. Lives are going to be taken, because that’s what’s required. Ty is obviously not cool with that, but you are in END freaking TIMES, bro. Get your head in the game! I love that Rick is ready to take on Dawn. It’s Cop vs. Sheriff!

Ty throws out some wrenches, because he’s not actually dumb, even though I tease his soft heart. He wants to maybe trade some guys for other guys, but Rick knows his plan will work. But Daryl… he can get on board with Ty. He thinks Dawn is at a limit that maybe she’ll be willing to trade to keep the peace.

Bae: Big man’s gotta point.

You cheating on me? (Okay.)

You cheating on me? (Okay, boo.)

So we’re keeping out decency with this route and not blindly killing. LOOK, I’m a first person shooter game gal, so the cops are the bad guys, but okay. FINE. If this was really happening, I wouldn’t be so cavalier. If they were mutants, though, all bets are off.

At the church, Gabriel has a bucket for scrubbing that pesky blood off the Lord’s House while Carl lays out an array of weapons for him.

Carl: Time to graduate from the starter pack where you learn how to use the controller, bro. What’s your S.P.E.C.I.A.L. gonna be? Explosives? Melee? Guns? Big Guns? Intelligence? Gotta survive out there.
Gabriel: But… the cannibals said they’d leave us alone?
Carl: Wow.
Gabriel: What?
Carl: I’ve read about people being this gullible, but I never thought I’d actually SEE it.
Michonne: [listens intently as Cal rhapsodizes about trouble with a Capital T and that rhymes with Z and that stands for Walkers]
Gabriel: [takes a machete, then backs out when he hears about soft skulls]
Carl: [coughs] WUSS

At the hospital, Beth eavesdrops on someone telling Dawn about Noah and how he can’t be found. Beth smirks, proud of her buddy, until they start talking about Carol is half dead, wasting their precious resources. Time to pull the plug!

Me: I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.

Beth: Oooh, I know all about your DVDs and porn, bro, so let’s get real about “waste!”
Dawn: Oh? You got a smart mouth? So let’s kill that lady, good call, Beth.
Beth: THIS HAS GONE HORRIBLY WRONG.
Dawn: I’m bitter and petty. Also, maybe I’m a wuss and I want you to go save Carol because my grasp on things is tenuous. Also, I think you’re not so pitiful. And this is in no way a trap.
Admiral Ackbar: IT’S A TRAP.
Beth: Uh…. Okay?

Glenn and Maggie’s group figure out where water is, leaving Maggie to guard over Abraham and Dr. Hairdo. They pass some pinned Walkers, and seriously, why not brain them? Just to be safe? STAB THEM WITH YOUR KNIFE, THEY ARE PINNED. (They come back and do so, but still. You’re getting my unfiltered reactions as the show airs.)

Tara: so Eugene. Totally need to order a Code Red because he ain’t got no skills. But he has balls, gotta give him that.
Rosita: Please don’t make me think of his balls. I imagine they have little pube mullets and… [hoarks]

Maggie grabs a ladder off the fire truck while Abraham continues to kneel on the blacktop. In that Georgia heat? DAMN, SON. She builds a makeshift shelter with it and a blanket, giving Dr. Feathered Bangs and Lies a break from the heat.

Maggie: Get over it. We all lost something today. For me it was a watch.
Audience: OR A SISTER?
Maggie: [stoically looks out into the distance] Maybe all my hope.
Audience: Or… a sister.

Lauren Cohen, if you ever wanted to make out with me, just know I’m totally cool with it. Maggie writers: ADD BETH TO HER ARC.

Beth finds Dr. Friendly, demands to know what he’d give Carol if he could give her anything, and because he’s a selfish bag of dicks (a bag, made of dick skin and filled with dicks), he turns it into a self examination of whether or not he can actually save his own life. #NotAllDoctors!!  But then he actually tells her what to do, and Beth leaves. (Can we trust him, though??)

Glenn scoops water from the stream, but it’s nasty. If they’d only made a filter like I’d taught you guys…. WAIT. Rosita does, using everything I’d laid out in a previous recap!

SHE IS USING THE FILTRATION SYSTEM I LAID OUT, GUYS! *sniffs a tear*

SHE IS USING THE FILTRATION SYSTEM I LAID OUT, GUYS! *sniffs a tear*

Aww, that’s nice. She learned how from Eugene. Huh. He’s not totally useless. (I mean, his brain is valuable. Interesting how that is when they’re in a world where your brain is what keeps you going if you’re a Walker. O_O  ~*layers!*~)

We learn Rosita’s brief backstory: met Abraham in Dallas, was saved, then was asked for help. I said it was brief! She was flattered, knowing someone like Abraham wanted her help. They’ve been together ever since. Okay, then!

Time for a daring rescue! We hear gunfire. Cops in a white cross car spy Noah with a gun, race to tag him. Two cops are out of the car, but the group pulls iron on the two cops. Dawn’s folks are out numbered. The black cop sees what’s what and immediately agrees; he also asks Rick if he’s a cop. Apparently Lamson is one of the good ones. EXCEPT ANOTHER CAR PULLS UP, TAKES THE LADY COP, LAYS COVERING FIRE, AND TAKES OFF. Shit. There goes their collateral. Or does it?

Rick and Co follow around the corner, where the second cop car has pulled into a burned out, shot up area with raw meat looking Walkers on the ground. Gross!! AWESOME.

this just makes me so happy. Their FX department is AMAZING.

This just makes me so happy. Their FX department is AMAZING. Also, I don’t know why they call it Hamburger Helper. It does just fine on its own.

The cops’ car doors are open. We can see them running behind the tower in the distance. Daryl is smart enough to check the car, sees they stalled out when they drove over the melted street-Walkers, and checks the FEMA trailer nearby. YEP SOMEONE’S IN THERE! It’s a big guy, the bald cop driving, and he gets Daryl on the ground by a Walker, FUCK IT IS CLOSE DON’T YOU BITE DARYL DIXON OH MY GOD.

He picks up a skull like a bowling ball and knocks Bald Cop upside the head until Rick gets there with a gun at his head.

I had to cram my fists in my mouth to keep from screaming I was so worried about his hand!

I had to cram my fists in my mouth to keep from screaming I was so worried about his hand!

Bald Cop: Shit. You win.
Rick: I think I should shoot you.
Daryl: Baby, it’s okay. We’ll use him. Three’s better than two.
Rick: Good call, bae.

The captured bald cop and lady cop are taken to a holding place, an empty building. Lady Cop is all, “Dawn sucks. We know it, she knows it, the people at Grady know it. We want black cop (Lamson) to take over.” ORLY. “Let us go, we’ll take care of Dawn and give you your peeps.” SURE THAT SEEMS TOTALLY LEGIT.

Lamson: Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. STFU. Lemme ‘splain to you how Dawn works because I don’t want to die.

Uh. Here’s my two cents: these cops at Grady have all sorts of contingency plans for how to lull people into a false sense of security when captured. I don’t trust ANYONE.

We cut back to Glenn, and oh, thank goodness, he has the gang braining Walkers and checking them for usable items. Like netting! Hey, maybe stuff to go fishing! NICE. Totally worked. Glenn uses the fact that Rosita knows how to do stuff as a way to make her know she has value. DOUBLE NICE.

At the church, Michonne checks on Father Brotherman. She wants him to know that the things they end up doing are worth it. She wants nothing but for him to know that they’re here to help him, should he want to take it. He closes the door and stares at his machete. NOPE, STILL DON’T TRUST HIM.

He’s using it to cut away floorboards. OHO. Feeling vindicated, ngl.

Beth has some strawberries hidden, swaps them with another grunt as payment for distraction. She gets into the medicine cabinet, finds what Doctor Touchy-Feely said he’d use, and gets in and out to Carol’s room. Beth quickly hooks up an IV drip of fluids, then drops in some meds. BETH HAS SO MUCH VALUE, YOU GUYS. She takes Carol’s hand and offers some comfort.

Outside the hamburger helper spot, Sashsa is working on stripping the cop car when she rips her coat. This makes her lose her gott damn mind. Ty stops that before it can get out of control.

Ty: SAY GOODBYE. Hang onto the good feelings and move on.
Sasha: I should have brained him. I should have stabbed my lover.
Ty: I… think you’re missing the point. It’s nice that you had me help you.
Me: Help her kill her lover? Aww, this is the nice stuff in the ZA? Okay.

Meanwhile, squirrelly Father Gabriel has worked his way under the building and gets out, promptly stepping on a tack and breaking his mother’s back, by which I mean a nail and hobbling himself. A+ work, preacher dude! He limps off into the woods where only good, godly things happen. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, GABRIEL?

Where the cops are being held, Lamson educates Rick on Dawn 101. Rick makes sure they have water, and Lamson points out that he’s no longer a cop. “The real ones are all gone.” HEY FORESHADOWING.

Gabriel, limping along, hears something snapping in the woods, and freezes. A Walkers gets him and he prays her to death. Or rather, pins her on a stump, sees her crucifix necklace, and walks off. Jesus, bro. NUT. UP.

Lamson gets water from Sasha, who likes that his name is Bob. New Bob talks about Dawn pulling him off duty, inadvertently saving his life, and makes Sasha take him outside to put down the Walker who took his place in the Bad Times.

GORL YOU CANNOT TRUST THIS MAN.

And clean yourself up while you're at it, Abraham.

And clean yourself up while you’re at it, Abraham.

Intercut with Maggie watching Abraham. Can she trust him? She asks him if he wants her to shoot him. Eugene wakes up, sounding like a Walker at first. Abraham decides it’s okay to take water now. He didn’t take a life, so. It’s all good.

Sasha marches Sgt. Bob to a window, he points out the man who took his place as a Walker, brains her, and gets away with his hands ziptied. OF FUCKING COURSE. Y’all, don’t trust these fucking people, are you new?!

DON'T EVER PUT AN ENEMY AT YOUR SIX, WOMAN!

DON’T EVER PUT AN ENEMY AT YOUR SIX, WOMAN!

NEXT WEEK: Rick showdown with Dawn and her people!

So I continue to not trust anyone named Bob. Also, where is Noah? WHERE IS NOAH?? (And I’m nursing a child after surgery, so I might be behind on comments, but I’ll get here ASAP!)

CLICK FOR THE MID-SEASON FINALE, CODA

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