Previously! OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. YOU GUISE!! YOUS GEZE I AM SO HAPPY THE SHOW IS BACK GAME OF THRONES IS BACK AND MY TRIBE IS BACK AND THE OPENING HAD THE EYRIE!! And Winterfell wasn’t a ruin! OHO. I have no idea what that means, I’m just excited. Wait. Waaaaaaait.
Le gasp!! BOLTONS! [/Newman!]
We open with two young ladies in their best silks wading through the mud in a dark wood until they come upon a hut. [Do we know who these girls are? Has it been so long that I can’t remember who they are?] The dark haired girl doesn’t want to go inside, but the blonde is running the show and wants to see the witch who lives inside. Hey, leave that nice pagan drunk lady alone, girls! No can do, the bratty blonde demands the witch tell her her future.
Witch: Ha! Suuuuuure. You got it, kid. This is my favorite, because no one ends up enjoying this part. But I sure do!
Girl: When will I marry the prince?
Witch: You won’t. It’s a king for you.
Girl: So I’ll be a queen!
Witch: Oh, yes. …for a time. Then the plot of Snow White will undo you.
Witch: And the king will have 20 children. You will only have 3. And they’re gonna die. But at least their funerals will be opulent! Sucks to be you.
Me: IT’S CERSEI! I knew it! (Yeah, yeah, we all did.)
Witch: So… Have fun with that! [passes out]
NOW: Cersei, dressed in black, goes to Tywin’s funeral and demands everyone waits until she has a moment alone with her father. Jaime is already there. Side note: that set is GORGEOUS. Great job, design crew. The Seven Gods (or whatever they’re called—we have, hmm, the god of Wine, of War, of Women, of… Water? Sawdust? Whole Roasted Chickens? Blonde Incest Children? I can’t remember them all) surrounding the altar look imposing and awesome.
One: Cersei isn’t wrong to be mad at Jaime’s action (freeing Tyrion) leading to their family’s downfall erm, downfall in a manner of speaking.
Two: Jaime isn’t wrong for having freed Tyrion.
Three: GeePopPop’s eye stones are SUPER CREEPY.
Four: why do I want the incest twins to make it work? I DON’T KNOW EITHER.
Tyrion’s box is transported to… where, we don’t know yet, but Varys frees him. It’s been a while that he’s been trapped in there, given Tyrion’s well-groomed beard. (I would expect more filth in that thing, personally.) So he had to stay in there for weeks? Even while on the ship? Pissing and shitting in there? Shoving it out of the air holes? At least you had air holes, bro, but then again, Uncle Fester had to pick them up and toss them overboard like Tyrion was a poorly trained Pomeranian, so maybe they’re even? (They’re not.)
We find out they’re in Pentos, one of Daenerys’ first stops on her Mother of Dragons tour, to see Illyrios Mopatis. [I assume that name will be of importance to me at some point.] Varys wants to talk politics, but Tyrion would rather chug wine, party foul, and chug more wine.
In Meereen, the pyramid’s gold
Sphynx HARPY (which makes sense when you keep reading) is toppled, and seriously, no calls out “Down below” as it careens to the ground? That’s just dangerous. One of the Unsullied goes to a whore house to pay for a cuddle and a bedtime song, when the lady slits his throat, a dude in a gold mask standing watch, and creepy Dragonborn chanting picks up. WHAT IS HAPPENING. This sect is called “The Sons of the Harpy,” and raise your hand if you at first thought that was a recast of Grey Worm who was killed? I’m so relieved to have been wrong. Also, pretty cruel to slice up an Unsullied. Stabbing is one thing, but haven’t these guys been cut enough??
Anyhoodle, Dany frowny faces this murder and wants a big funeral for the Unsullied dude to piss the Secret Society off, making them react rashly in order to allow her to ferret them out and kill them all. One hopes. Missandei finds Grey Worm and is all, “You have no Ds, why bother going to a brothel?” MAYBE THEY LIKE OTHER PEOPLE’S PLEASURE, LADY. Ahem. Sex ain’t all about the D, ffs. He’s a sweetheart, though, looking at her with longing, aching as he replies, “I do not know.” Someone let this man know the touch of a woman, STAT.
We zoom up north to the Wall where Jon Snow—who as we all know, knows nothing—imparts proper sword technique to Orry, the kid who killed the love of his life. THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT: Jon Snow is nice. This kid killed Ygritte and Jon doesn’t even hold it against him. Like, is he becoming an adopted father? “I shall take you as my own and call you Half-Squat.” ALSO: Gilly is still unimpressed with Samwell Tarley Gamgee Red Leader Porkins, but come on, lady. He killed a White Walker and a Thenn. Plus, he resembles Magic the Gathering Butt Crack guy, which is bonus points in my book.
And HOLY CRAP, Lord “Butt Hurt” Alliser didn’t die from wounds suffered from Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër?? He and Cap’n Yeah, Boss! bemoan the lack of proper soldiers at that outpost. Well, then I’m thinking the whole methodology of induction into the Black Watch needs to change, gentlemen. You pick up thieves, rapists and runaways, you end up with thieves, rapists and runaways.
Melissandre, aka Fire Crotch Mage—except where is her fire? Her hair is dark, leaving her looking like a Rich Man’s Tori Amos—pulls Jon away to talk with the King, staring at his young, nubile body with leech-on-the-fire longing as they make the long ride to the top of the Wall. [Me too, lady.] He notices she isn’t wearing a coat. Well, that’s because she’s too hot (hot damn!) so call the po-lice and the fireman. She’s too hot! (hot damn!) ‘Cause the Lord of Light does inspire, man. Jon Snow ain’t a virgin. (whew!) Jon Snow ain’t a virgin. (whew!) JON SNOW AIN’T A VIRGIN. SO HIS BLOOD A CROWN WON’T GIVE TO YA! So his blood a crown won’t give to ya! Sunday night and Stannis on the wall—tryna add them Wildlings [horns!].
[Sorry, that’s an earworm we’ve all been suffering from and I couldn’t help myself.]
So it’s like this: Stannis, who I loved at the end of S4, is demanding that Jon help convince Mance to bend the knee (he won’t) so Stannis can defeat the Boltons of Winterfell (not likely) and free the Wildlings so they can be integrated into Proper Society (yeah, right). And he’s only got about an hour to do so.
Meanwhile, THE GREATEST THING EVER IS HAPPENING IN THE EYRIE: Bad Boob Sucker Robyn is learning how to use a sword, but it makes his arm ache and the pollen count is high and he gets cramps in his legs and the sword handle has a weird thing on it and he has an eyelash stuck and his nose itches and he didn’t had his Boob Milk all week and Mummy made sure he got his vitamins and he’s cranky and wants a nap and the sun is in his eyes and WOW. “He swings a sword like a girl with palsy.” Okay, fuck you for making it a girl, random lord because Arya would fuck your shit up and she’s a girl, but your point is taken: Lord Robyn sucks balls.
Sansa, with her black hair, looks so marvelously bored I couldn’t help but cackle with glee.
A missive is delivered, Petyr Baelish reads it, instantly pockets it, and makes to leave after pulling Sansa to her feet. They’re actually leaving the Eyrie. Whaaaat? Sansa, I feel like Baelish is the physical embodiment of a white, side-paneled van with a guy asking young ladies if they’ll help him find their lost puppy. DOLORES, DO NOT TRUST HUMBERT. SANSA, I AM WORRIED.
Oh my god, Podrick and Brienne! I want them to Scooby Doo their way across the Seven Kingdoms, guys, I really do. Brienne, polishing Oathkeeper, tells Podrick to go make his own way without her. She’s not his mother, she’s not a knight, and she can’t keep her promise to Lady Stark. And oho, a carriage passes, one with Sansa and Littlefinger!! They don’t stop because that would clearly change the whole trajectory of the planned season, but we do see that Sansa is growing ever more clever, knowing who not to trust as Littlefinger explains they’re going somewhere west, somewhere so far that Cersei can’t touch her. Ooooh. BUT ARE YOU GOING TO TOUCH HER, BAELISH? Because I am grossed out by that and needed a long gulp of wine to shake it off as I watched.
Which is a perfect transition to Cersei engaging in my favorite activity: drinking away her feelings. I mean, enjoying a rare glass of wine. As she ignores Loras droning on behind her…
…she watches as Margaery flirts with Tommen, because Margaery, aka Snow White, apparently will be who will fulfill the Witch’s prediction. Great moments: Grand Maester Cat Piss trying to talk to Cersei as she stalks towards a barefooted Lancel, the thin-haired Lannister who warmed her bed until Jaime returned, and her absolute shut down of any further contact with ol’ rambling Cat Piss, ahaha. Cersei loathes her some Cat Piss, not that I can blame her.
Apparently Lancel is some kind of religious fanatic now with his head shaved and feet bare, “Sparrows” they call themselves, and she’s mildly intrigued. VERY mildly. She’s more thirsty for that buttery, oaky Chardonnay a server is carting about, darting off somewhere private, somewhere free of sycophants telling her how marvelous her shit of a father was, only to be confronted with Lancel, who seeks her forgiveness for “leading her into darkness.” Oh, bless. Young man, that woman wasn’t led anywhere, but it’s adorable you think it’s possible. Oh, but he also wants to apologize for knowingly giving Robert Baratheon–
Lemme stop you there, she says, because that was Season One, and she’s way past that. But it’s cute you care. We are so far past the whole poisoning the king, kid. We’ve poisoned another king, have killed a potential king with a shadow ninja baby, and there now are missing dragons. Keep up.
HEY O! We meet Loras in bed with Olyvar having a lovely time when Margaery bursts in, doesn’t leave, and sits on a chair, waiting for them to finish so she and her brother can pay respects to the King. Margaery? That’s about how I would react, too. (Have I taken us somewhere too personal? I’m just saying, hot people into what they’re doing is awesome. Don’t make this weird.)
Olyver kisses him goodbye and bids them farewell. She and her brother have a very revealing convo about keeping secrets, him marrying Cersei (which I’m going on record as saying that’s not happening) thus being able to take her away from King’s Landing so Margaery can rule the city in (relative) peace, but Margaery isn’t convinced that will happen, either.
Look, let me just put this out there. If Cersei was smart, she could work the Loras is into dudes angle. Marry him, have Jaime follow her, maybe let Loras watch once or twice because Loras would be into it. HE WOULD BE INTO IT.
Varys and Tyrion hash out some whys: why save the Half Man, why leave the city, why bother? Because Varys, as we’ve known all along, craves stability on a grand scale, and that means King’s Landing. But Tyrion killed his lover with his bare hands and his father with his nephew’s crossbow.
Varys: I never said you were perfect. (ahaha)
And we learn that Varys is pulling for a certain Khaleesi, someone who has the right name, the right connections, the perfect amount of fear and inspiration. So how about it? Can the half-man help the Spider install the proper Queen?
Huh. Looks like he’ll try.
Speaking of the Khaleesi, Daario and Hizdhar come back from Yunkai where Hizdhar explains that the folks there are totally down with the Mother of Dragons ruling as long as she allows fighting pits to remain. “Human cockfighting.” Uh, that just makes her think of Daario’s dong, and he knows it, because he starts playing with his sword in front of her. THIS LITERALLY HAPPENS.
CUT TO them post coitus. And I’m sorry, but he has a weird ass. (Look, you guys break us ladies down to our most basic parts. The guy has awesome thighs, and a weird, high-flat ass. I don’t make the rules.) Daario thinks the fighting pits should be reopened. …what?
The Tale of Daario, Lover of Khaleesi, Former Gladiator of the Pits
Once there was a whore who gave birth to a rotten, disobedient son, whom she named Daario. When he came of age at 12, he was sold to a slaver to allow his mother to drink the finest hootch in peace. He proved himself time and again in the fighting pits until he became as strong as a Dothraki, as formidable as a Westorsi knight, and as clever as a Novoroshi priest. Until finally he came to be here, a freeman who controls the Second Sons, and trusted sidearm of Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Daenerys Targaryen, famous as any Gladiator in the Seven Kingdom’s history. Because he fought in the pits, he was able to climb to such great heights, inspiring those around him.
After all, he is now bedding the Mother of Dragons, she who can rule the world while he rules her bed, hey now! And somewhere on the desert plain, a sexy, throaty voice belonging to a once0devoted servant named Jorah cries out, “Khaleesi!”
It’s a pretty riveting story, from my POV. Daario also wants her to go find her prodigal son Drogon and make him fly back home and behave. You know, by only burning whole cities on her command, not little kids on hillsides on a whim.
Time to roll away the stone of Golgotha and let the other two dragons free, she guesses. (Or at least check and see if they’ve cleaned their room.) Wow, that is a huge space and where are her babies?? Oooh, a chain moves, she calls out, and in the darkness, an angry flame emerges. But they can’t hurt her can they? She flees. Hmm, maybe they can.
Up north, Jon talks to Mance, and let me just say this: if you don’t respect the hell out of Mance Rayder, you’re probably broken inside. He’s not afraid of being afraid. He’s not ashamed of it. But he knows that even though he’s set to burn to death for not swearing fealty to Stannis, it’s not worth betraying the 90 clans he made promises to, it’s not worth it to lie just to save his own neck. But then what, Jon wants to know. What about those 90 clans left behind? Left to face the White Walkers until there’s no one left to sing his story at the camp fire?
Mance: You’re a good person. But if you can’t understand why I won’t enlist my people into a foreigner’s war, then there’s no point in explaining.
Jon: I think you’re making a mistake.
Mance: The freedom to make my own mistake is all I ever wanted.
MANCE IS DROPPING SOME PLATIMUM-LEVEL EXISTENTIALISM ON US ALL, DAMN.
Cut to: Mance being led out in simple clothes and shackles before everyone, expected to climb atop his own pyre. Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër is in the audience! HE DIDN’T DIE!
Stannis: Yeah, so bend the knee and live.
Mance: Aww, that’s cute. [smiles at the crowd] I lived here for years, you know. I wish you well.
Stannis: …he’s not gonna kneel?
Mance: Nope. So I’ll just burn, then.
Stannis: Huh. Damn, I admire the hell out of this guy. It’s a shame I have to kill you.
Mance: It’s a shame I have to die!
Me: THEN DON’T MURDER HIM, YOU POMPUS GIT!
Evil Tori Amos: Well, it’s been awhile since I got to burn someone alive. [prepares to light the fucking pyre!] Stannis is the king of truth. Mance is the king of lies. [sets the pyre ablaze]
Me: YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF LIES.
Mance: [sweats, stares at Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër who is barely holding it together!!!]
JON SNOW HAS LEFT THE BUILDING. Mance cries out as he cooks, Selyse smiles, Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër forces himself to bear witness to his king, and Jon Snow, atop a balcony, draws an arrow, ending Mance’s torment. GOD DAMN. Yes, Jon Snow. GOOD WORK, JON. And the Wildlings will respect you for it, even if they may not actually trust you any more.
…credits?! WERE THOSE THE CREDITS?! Who said it could end!?
There was a lot of exposition this episode, because it’s necessary, and it didn’t feel like an hour, did it? But then, it never does. How is it that I’m already sad I only have nine more hours left? [cries] Personally (and ha, everything here is personal) I enjoyed The Wars To Come. But then, I tend to enjoy most of the eps. UNLESS THEY MURDER MY FAVORITE. [cries more]
NEXT WEEK: WE ARE GOING TO DORNE. Don’t you think for one minute that my agony over Oberyn has lessoned, guys. Not for ONE MOMENT. But I’m excited to see Dorne. Weren’t they the only kingdom who didn’t fall to dragons? WHY IS THAT? Oh my gosh, don’t actually tell me.
WHICH LEADS TO MY REMINDER: I am Unsullied. Always Unsullied. I do not know anything in the books, I do not want to know anything in the books, and people who spoil others (or hint at stuff to get around the “Well, I didn’t outright spoil you!” are jerkfaced buttheads, and please don’t do that. Trust me, watching me flail around and get stuff right and wrong is half the fun. Also, the comments section here is the best around, with the smartest folks, all of us determined not to ruin the enjoyment for others.
Also, you might notice that I’ve changed up the chat boards/comment section, so it’s far easier to navigate, plus you can upvote comments you like. I’ll be featuring the best of your discussions each week, too! And those of you who want to keep up with posts here, you can always follow my twitter. TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS, GANG.