Previously! Thought before we get into it: someone somewhere mentioned that Podrick had shown proficiency with regards to knowing banners, sigils, etc, so why on earth didn’t he notice House Tully passing? My guess, but I couldn’t make it out on my giant-ass tv screen for certain, is that the sigil waving on those flags was Littlefinger’s newly chosen sigil: the Mockingbird. Podrick wouldn’t know about it. Thoughts? Well, save them until the end, we have VERY IMPORTANT STUFF to talk about first!
Like how Braavos steampunk-moustrap was back on the map! And it’s because Arya is finally entering the city! (Love the lore about the Titan coming to life and smashing enemies in days of old. I’m going to love these books when I finally get to read them, aren’t I?) And hey, there’s your reminder that I am UNSULLIED. Do not—I beg of you—discuss the books here, neither overt nor veiled. Be cool. Literally the rest of the internet is for you book readers. But down here, it’s our [non-reader] time. It’s our time down here. [Obligatory Goonies reference]
Arya’s headed to the house of black and white for a smart yet suburban-mom-sexy outfit for Friday night. Also, to see A MAN
about a horse. Problem: the MAN who opened the door not only isn’t familiar with the MAN who gave her that coin, he doesn’t even care about the coin, and tells her to shove off. Literally she has the whole world at her feet, so hit the bricks, kid.
She spends the day and night going through her list of who to kill. Well, one of them (The Mountain) is already dead, so that’ll be nice once she learns it. Easier to get through her list of names, you know? After twenty-four hours of this, she stands, tosses A Coin into the bay and walks off.
Podrick and Brienne find an inn, and Littlefinger and Sansa happen to be there, too. Podrick picks up on that, alerts Brienne, who vibrates with pleasure at finally being able to honor her vow to Lady Stark.
A woman approaches offering her sword. Do you:
–listen to her, taking her on as your personal bodyguard and learning how to be good and just and also kind?
–listen to your companion, a wonk who points out all of the woman’s failures (not knowing of her many triumphs)?
Dammit, Sansa, she takes option B. Brienne, shocked but still pleased that Sansa is at least being wary of strangers, decides to make a break for it even though she and Podrick are severely outnumbered.
Brienne and Pod take off, getting separated after she looses Littlefinger’s horses, loses the guards in the woods, and doubles back to save Podrick, who can’t really keep a seat and gets himself cornered. Brienne shows up, jousts one of the bad guys to death, throat stabs another, and deflects Podrick’s posit that she just might be released from her vows by virtue of the Stark Girls not really wanting her.
Brienne: So you think a young lady is safe with Humbert Littlefinger, do you?
Podrick: …well, no m’lady.
Brienne: Get the horses and shut it, then.
Cersei calls Jaime to her chambers to help her open a gift—a threat from Dorne in the form of jewelry. Raise your hand if you thought the Presentation Snake [dibs on ’80s glam rock band name Presentation Snake!] was Myrcella’s arm? Oh, we’ll learn that the kids of Oberyn are “Sand Snakes,” by the way. But back to King’s Landing where Cersei, who at last check was all out of fucks to give, berates Jaime for being a shit incest father, Dorne for being a shit of a kingdom, and the world for being a shit of a universe. Yeah, well how about Jaime, a one-handed man who can’t claim ownership of his daughter goes down there and busts Myrcella out? HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES?
Cersei: I’ll believe it when I see it.
Jaime: …you know, I’d ask for a little sugar before leaving, but I don’t think there’s anything sweet left in you.
And lookee lookee, it’s Bronn! Bronn, enduring the rambling of his soon-to-be bride because holy schnikies, that’s a hell of a castle he’s set to inherit!
Sarah Plain and Tall: Oh, but we won’t inherit Stokeworth, dearest.
Bronn: What’s that?
SP&T: My older sister will get the house.
Bronn: (smiles to himself) Oh, sure, sure. (plans insta-murder of sister) Won’t we be ever-so happy no matter where we light, my precious tender lamb?
SP&T: Oh my gosh, you do love me!
Bronn: ….right. Hold onto that thought. Say, Jaime Lannister is here to see me! Run along, dear, don’t trip and die on anything before we’re able to be married!
Jaime: So I have a thing. It involves you not marrying SP&T, coming with me, and marrying someone better with a larger house. You interested?
Bronn: You had me at larger house. Wait, no, at better girl. Shit, no, at getting to do anything other than listening to inane blather about pigeon pies. And also the girl and house thing. So! Let’s get to it!
Cut to: Dorne, where Ellaria Sand, dressed in mourning and reflecting PERFECTLY my aching heart over Oberyn Martell as well, tries to incite a war with Oberyn’s brother. But he’s amazing—guys? Am I just going to love all of House Martell? You can tell me, I need to know—and says that in Dorne, they do not mutilate little girls (Myrcella) for vengeance, basically repeating what Oberyn told Cersei. But he can sense her growing unrest—she’s gonna be a problem for you, bro.
Daario and Grey Worm discuss tactics with regard to how to ferret out the Sons of the Harpy. AND I JUST REALIZED THAT DAARIO IS CAL ON ORPHAN BLACK. Sir? I humbly apologize for the comment about your ass last week, because your everything else makes up for it in my book.
Daario finds a guy hiding by virtue of a nice wall-stab. Ser Barristan of course advises Khaleesi to exercise caution with the Sons of the Harpy, Mossador doesn’t trust any information gained from this guy, but the newly freed once-a-slave tells them that the guy they caught is a low level con, a hired gun, a person who should just be killed—that’s a good message, one that the locals of Meereen understand. But from the desert a throaty, lusty cry can be heard: “Khaleesi!! KILL THEM ALL AND LET ME LOVE YOU.”
(I just really miss Jorah.)
Ser Barristan has a private word with Daenerys:
SB: Remember your insane father? No, hear me out. He liked to torture people and he liked to think that he was giving people the justice they deserved. Now, I’m not saying you’re in his image, but’re starting to walk like a Mad King and quack like a Mad King. You might want to make sure you cultivate a political persona that doesn’t make people think you’re just like the Mad King.
Dany: I locked my dragons up, dude. And fine. A fair trial, then we execute him.
Tyrion and Varys are on the move in a super sweet luxury car, headed for Volantis, and then Meereen. Best line of the night after Varys reminds Tyrion that there’s a price on his head. “She should have offered her cunt. Best part of her for the best part of me.” Ahahahaha!
Varys goes into a very long-winded speech that basically can be summed up thusly: “You and I think outside the box. But only when we’re inside the box.” [Fourth wall droll stare at you, the watcher/reader.]
Speaking of his head, someone drops a head on Cersei’s table wanting coin for it. Nope, not her brother, but thanks for the horrifying murder of an innocent! Man at arms? Escort them out.
Maester Renfield [Qyburn] would like to keep the head, Your Grace? For… reasons?
Very good, have at it. There’s wine to be drunk, ta!
Maester Cat Piss is rather put out at Maester Renfield sullying the Small Council meeting, and they’re all askance at Cersei sitting in as Hand. But o! Lord Tyrell, you’re now Master of Ships, of Coin, and of Puppies! [drops six week old labradoodles onto the table to keep him busy.]
Well that should help out with the whole “the Lannisters are actually bankrupt and House Tyrell is wealthy” issue quite nicely. …why can’t we let Cersei run the show? She ain’t stupid. Oh, because she’s equipped with a lady box and not a presentation snake. AH. In fact, her uncle Kevan Lannister, after being told he’s been appointed Maester of War, says to her thanks, but no thanks. He’s not taking her word on it; he’d like the actual King to tell him of his new job. “You are the Queen Mother. Nothing more.”
If you go back and watch, crank your volume up and you can literally hear her grind her teeth.
Shireen/Lady Newt is giving her grossly underrated Hooked on Phonics lessons to Gilly up at the Wall! And if you haven’t loved Gilly from the start, you’re quite possibly broken inside. We learn that two of Gilly’s sisters also had Lizard Face (greyscale, Newt calls it) and she’s pleased that Newt didn’t die from it, not like Gilly’s two sisters, dragged via rope from Kraster’s Kreepy Keep to die slowly and painfully out in the cold, alone, covered with scales, and turned into animals. Yeesh.
Can I just say that I love that there is disease specific to this world? I really want to read the books. I WILL NOT because I, like Jon Snow, took a vow and I shall honor that vow, but I’m continually excited for that day to come.
Newt’s mother shows up and reminds us all that she’s a horrible woman and she really hates little Newt.
Jon Snow gets reamed by Stannis for killing Mance before he was burned, but Stannis is learning first hand that folks up North don’t take kindly to strangers. And Stannis is a stranger, and make no mistake. He’s been made aware by local leaders.
So how about he offers Jon the name Stark instead of Snow? Just give up any potential leadership roles that would undermine Stannis with the WIldlings and Northerners by kneeling before Stannis, and voila, he’s a Stark of Winterfell, easy as you please. And while Samwell Gamgee Red Leader Porkins is all in on that bit o’gloriousness, Jon isn’t, because he suffers strongly from Ned-itis, which is to say, a crippling case of the Honors.
If he turns away from his vows to the Night’s Watch, then what sort of leader does that make him? And who would follow such a man? (Uh, most, Jon. Most.)
Looks like Lord Butthurt is set to become the 998th leader of the Wall. (So, kill him, kill the next, and let Jon be the 1000th? I mean, that’s the way it usually works in this genre, so…?)
Porkins: I WOULD LIKE TO REMIND YOU ALL OF A FEW THINGS.
Porkins: First and first mostly, Cap’n Yeah Boss pissed himself in a closet during the battle with the wildlings. He literally cried harder than an actual baby. Secondly, Lord Butthurt is great in a battle, true, but did you know that he is [Jean Ralphio voice] the wooOOooorst? Jon Snow’s real good looking!
Jon: DEAR LORD STOP, SAM.
Porkins: (smiles, shoots Jon finger guns) Jon Snow’s basically the greatest soldier here? He’s pretty much better than everyone of us. And when the night was the darkest, there was Jon Snow, his hair blowing in the wind and his emo face making us all remember what it was to be fourteen and alone, and yet we were not alone.
Lord Butthurt: BUT HE BONES WILDLINGS.
Jon: (single perfect tear rolls down his face as he remembers Ygritte’s South)
Crowd: VOTES LIKE STOIC MUH FUHS.
Maester Targaryen: … a tie? See, this is why we need a two-party system. Those of you guys voting for that random Libertarian basically threw your votes away! Also, I didn’t vote! …yet.
Town Crier: JON SNOW IS THE OBAMA OF THE NORTH!
Arya, wandering the alleys of Braavos, is set upon by some thugs wanting to take Needle from her to sell. But, as she states, “Nothing is of value to dead men.” And the guy from White House Black Market shows up, his mere presence freaking out the band of thieves. Like Obi-Wan, he, in his cloak. wanders off and she, a la Luke, follows. (Jawas scatter back into their holes as they pass.)
Who the hell is he? He tosses her the coin she threw in the bay and then HE IS JAQUEN H’GHAR!
Except he isn’t, he is a MAN who is NO ONE. “And that is who A GIRL must become.” Ahhhhhhh!!!! He lets her inside and I AM EXCITE. GUYS. GUISE. GHEYS. Is Arya going to give up being Arya Stark to become A Girl!? OH MY GOD DO NOT ACTUALLY ANSWER THIS I AM JUST BOUNCING AROUND WITH GLEE.
Freeman in Meereen sees the Harpy bro, hears him out, then kills him, anyway. In blood behind him on the wall it reminds the people: KILL THE MASTERS. Dany didn’t approve it, but Freeman would like the record to show that he knows her hands are tied, that he knows the guy deserved it, that the freed slaves of Meereen know that no one else but her is looking out for them. The Sons of the Harpy want to return people to chains, and if that happens, then all of those lives lost were in vain. And Freeman isn’t going to stand for it.
(Not gonna lie, I was pressing my fist to my chest, nodding as he spoke so passionately to Khaleesi. Don’t judge me, okay? IT’S THE NAME OF THE DAMN WEBSITE FOR A REASON.)
Dany isn’t the physical embodiment of the law, though. The law is the law. And it kills her to say it, but she tells the guards to take him. MHYSA, NO!!! The people call to her, crying for her but she speaks to everyone there gathered at the pyramid.
Dany: Remember how I promised you justice AND freedom? You kind of need both to have either.
People: (crying out for her)
Freeman: Mhysa! Please! Forgive me!
Me: FORGIVE THE KID JESUS CHRIST YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!
Dany: Yeah, I have to kill him, because laws and shit (looks at Ser Barristan)
SB: Yeah. You do.
Jorah: (in the desert) KHALEESI NOOOOO.
Daario: (blade to Freeman’s neck) …Seriously?
Dany: (nods) Yep. Kill him. Because laws, and I don’t want to be my dad, and I’m hella confused, shit. I guess? Yeah. No, wait. No, okay, yeah.
People: WHAT THE FUCK? (LITERAL HISSING)
Hoshit. They have to hotfoot her out of there with a band of Unsullied as umbrella protection while fights break out in the crowd. She’s devastated, sends everyone away from her room, goes out to her balcony only to find Trogdor, her missing dragon baby! He sniffs her, then takes off, and she watches, wishing she could be a dragon and fly away from all this bullshit, too.
GUYS. DRAGONS. I NEED MORE. (Also, forever crying over Direwolves and where are my Giant Endangered Puppies?!) So did Dany just create a Lord Karstark situation for herself? Oh my god, don’t answer that if I’m onto something.
NEXT WEEK–CLICK FOR 5.3! Holy shizz, there’s a Theon/Reek sighting! Guys, S5 might be the best so far, not gonna lie. There is so much story being told! There was a lot that happened this episode, and yeah, there’s a lot to be told, but I’m satisfied, not knowing what’s to come. Remember this is the UNSULLIED place of worship, so be cool? For me?
THE BIG QUESTION FOR YOU: should Jon have become Lord Commander?
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