Welcome back, Clone Club pals! Are you ready for a new season of awesomeness? This show is so full of plot that tis INSANE. Why didn’t I pick Nashville to recap instead??? I mean seriously Teddy, how could you not see that call girl was part of a sting operation?
Helena is having a wonderful dream. She’s hugely pregnant and her beloved sisters are throwing her a baby shower. It has everything she loves: Sarah sitting by her side and teasing her, Felix BBQing up some delicious marinated ox liver, Alison bringing cupcakes, Cosima healed thanks to science, Kira, and of course a huge basket of Ukrainian food.
The dream turns dark, literally, and a scorpion crawls out of her maternity dress. Helena screams in terror and wakes up in a box with air holes. The scorpion (voiced by Tatiana cause that woman does it all) is in there with her and tells her she’s being tested again. Dammit. Stop being mean to Helena. We all remember how much she hated it when Tomas used to cage her. :’( x a million.
Rachel has surgery to remove that darn pencil from her eye. That eye is not going to be saved and she might have some damage…to her brain. Eeeeesh.
Felix, Kira, and Sarah are having a lovely day beside the river. They call it ‘Shite Beach’ and that’s pretty much what it looks like. It’s so ugly. There has to be somewhere nicer to hang out than this. Maybe a pretty park, Sarah? Somewhere that Kira won’t step on a used needle? Anyways, Delphine shows up, cause she somehow knows this is where they like to hang out. Whatever, let’s all just admire her gorgeous new hair. Felix does, breathing that she looks amazing.
Delphine takes Sarah to Marion’s mansion and shows her building security footage of the Castor clone that they have imprisoned making out with a woman named Kristal Godrich. She’s another Leda clone! And she has a terrible blonde dye job!
Another Castor clone with a super creepy moustache appears and sneaks into Kristal’s apartment as she and the first clone goes inside her apartment to make sweet, sweet love. Sounds like the boy clones were up to no good as they were then caught when they tried to shove Kristal into a car trunk. Moustache got away though.
Naturally the Castor clone wants to talk to Sarah. He tells her she’s a legend and he seems to know a lot about her and her sisters. Sarah especially doesn’t like it when he brings up Kira. She goes to leave and he calls out after her, “Sarah? Count your sisters.” FINALLY SOMEONE WILL NOTICE HELENA IS MISSING.
She calls Alison and Cosima and they reassure her they’re fine. Oh, but Helena hasn’t come back. And her bag is missing. Just an offhand comment from Cosima. Thanks, guys. Helena’s is just loving her time in that box, it’s no hurry to find her or anything.
Meanwhile, Mrs. S comes home and immediately realizes something is up. She grabs a knife as an intruder bursts through the basement door. She’s a good fighter, but she’s not good enough to escape from the creep. Yep, it’s our Castor clone with the creepy pedophile moustache! He beats her up rather horribly and her face is a mess as she’s tied to a chair for interrogation. I’d feel sorry for her but she sent Helena to that box so, nope. Sorry, not sorry.
Moustache wants to know where Duncan is. Dead. And his research? At DYAD, she assumes. Moustache doesn’t respond well to disappointment and clutches his head as pain shoots through it. He kicks her chair over and leaves.
Mrs. S is found by Sarah and Felix. They dab at her bloody wounds on her temple until Mrs. S confesses to Sarah that she made a wartime decision to give Helena up to Hot Paul and Sarah reacts calmly and forgives Mrs. S. HA. Sarah naturally freaks and storms out. As she should.
Cosima is hanging out with Kira, cause someone has to and why not the terminally ill clone? Not Felix, anyways. Cosima brings up the time she felt like she died and was floating above her body when Kira came to talk to her and brought her back. Kira does a lot of little girl shrugging and Cosima isn’t even sure what she’s saying about it but really the best part of this scene is this picture of Sarah that my husband pointed out:
Delphine comes to Felix’s, looking for Sarah and also breaks everyone’s hearts when she dumps Cosima. Cosima plays it tough for a moment and then says, “I love you” with all the emotion and sadness in her heart.
Delphine is taking over Rachel’s role and can’t be with Cosima. “So you’re the new Rachel,” Cosima says, bitterly. You have no idea, Cosima. No idea.
Delphine almost collapses in tears once Cosima closes the door. But seriously, how great is her new hair?
Anyways, enough about Delphine’s fantastic hair, cause what she really needs is for Sarah to play Rachel. There’s a ‘cleaner’ coming to see the real Rachel to conduct a security review of the self-aware clones, and if he finds out about ole pencil in the eyeball (SCIENCE!) they’re all deadsville.
Can I just say I love when Sarah has to play a clone playing another clone? It’s brilliant and hilarious and she’s just so amazing.
Scott comes to visit Cosima to give her a check-up and also to break up with her, purely on a science level. There’s too much crazy clone stuff and lesbian drama for his liking. Cosima nods and then shows him Duncan’s secret codes that the good doctor wrote in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He agrees to not quit when Cosima tells him that secrets are powerful and no one knows, not even her sisters or Delphine. That sounds like a terrible idea to me.
Felix does a Rachel-style makeover on Sarah. Makeover! Yay!
Sarah-as-Rachel and Delphine meet up with the cleaner, Ferdinand. It’s pretty obvious right off the bat that Rachel and Ferdinand had something going on, judging from all that eye fucking he’s doing. ‘Rachel’ plays it cool, as the real Rachel would and also cause she has no actual idea wtf else to do without blowing their cover.
Ferdinand is not pleased that Marion has had a captured Castor clone hidden in her basement for three weeks, and that she didn’t tell Topside about it. He’s also displeased when he’s informed that Hot Paul was a Castor mole. COME BACK HOT PAUL.
Ferdinand is doubly displeased to hear that Castor has kidnapped Helena. He wants to see Sarah Manning. Delphine and ‘Rachel’ glance at each other and agree to take him to her. OH OH but Sarah is right there!
No worries guys, cause here’s Alison, dressed in prison clothes and a somewhat Sarah-like wig, handcuffed to a chair in an interrogation room. Her eye makeup is appropriately smudged. This is obviously more of Felix’s handiwork.
Alison is as nervous as heck as they approach but gamely falls into her role as they enter the room. “Oi oi, Rachel,” she says, and it’s both terrible and hilarious. “Shut up,” ‘Rachel’ tells her, which is both something Rachel would say and what the real Sarah wants her to do. Alison shuts up.
Ferdinand asks ‘Sarah’ if she’s ever met any male clones. Alison plays dumb, covertly glancing at Delphine for the answer. A quick shake of the head and Alison says no. Ferdinand get close and creepy and shoves his hand under her shirt, feeling for her ‘scars’ with a lecherous glee. Alison doesn’t like being touched at the best of times and rightfully starts to freak out at being violated by this creeper while her hands are cuffed behind her back. Her accent slips as she shouts, “Get your hands off me, you pig!”
The real Sarah, always the quick thinker, steps forward as ‘Rachel’ and slaps her, hard, telling her to watch her mouth. Alison is trembling and terrified and gives her a look of betrayal.
Ferdinand wanted to feel the scars from the oophorectomy that the real Rachel had scheduled for the real Sarah before the pencil in the eye and escape and Helena trade and stuff. Delphine lies that it was postponed because Sarah is ovulating. Ok then!
They all leave ‘Sarah’ but Ferdinand pulls ‘Rachel’ aside. He wants to discuss something called ‘Helsinki’. ‘Rachel’ counters that she wants to discuss Helena. Well, looks like Ferdinand is coming over tonight to talk. Emphasis on the coming, judging from his reaction.
The captured Castor clone in Marion’s basement is working out, naked. I approve.
He’s not Hot Paul but who is? WHO IS??? No one, that’s who. I’m looking at you, Boring BabyDaddy Cal. Where IS Cal, anyways? Not like I care, cause I don’t. He’s so yawn. Stay on Game of Thrones, Cal, where you’re hot.
Delphine goes to get some answers from the real Rachel! Rachel doesn’t look so good with her left eye all wadded full of gauze and wrapped in bandages. She wakes when Delphine shines a light into her good eye. “I warned you this was personal,” Delphine hisses and yikes, this scene. It’s harsh.
Delphine asks Rachel what day is it, what is my name? Rachel instead struggles to ask what happened to her eye, stuttering “con-con-con”. Her brain injury is impeding her ability to find the right word for ‘eye’ and Delphine, fully sinister and merciless, tells her, “Come on, you can do better than that.” She leans over her and presses firmly right on her raw eye socket, inflicting horrific pain. Rachel feebly tries to lift an arm to protect herself and Delphine shoves it down, pressing harder on her injury.
“Stop…Delphine,” Rachel manages to get out. She’s completely helpless and terrified. I am sad. Rachel’s a bad person but wow, this is hard to watch.
Delphine uses Cosima’s words. “I’m you now, Rachel.” WHY DID YOU SAY THAT COSIMA.
Delphine wants to know everything about what Rachel was planning with Helena. Rachel manages to spit out “Ferdinand” and “Helsinki”. Delphine’s beautiful, beautiful eyes narrow. “Ohhh. Wicked sister. You aren’t supposed to know about that.” She wonders what else Rachel knows and as her hand nears Rachel’s eye, we hear the heart monitor go to a furious pace. Delphine presses hard, Rachel makes awful animal pain sounds and I cry inside. WHYYYYYYYY
Down at Sex Apartment, Sarah as Rachel is trying to negotiate for Helena while keeping Ferdinand thinking she’s really Rachel. Ferdinand wants to know if she slept with her previous monitor, Hot Paul. Heck yeah she did, the lucky devil. She asks him what he thinks and he replies he thinks she made Hot Paul her bitch. A lightbulb goes off over Sarah’s head and she ever so slowly places her well-heeled foot on his groin.
The guy almost climaxes right there but Sarah removes her foot and he has sads.:'( At this point lots is revealed:
- Helsinki was bad times and murder for 6 clones and over 30 innocent casualties
- Rachel arranged to have Helsinki happen over here to our clones to keep Sarah from exposing Topside
- Sarah was to have her ovaries removed and then was to be put down
- Cosima was gonna die naturally anyways so whatevs no worries about her
- Alison and her family is about to get chloroformed and their house burnt down around them
- Rachel wanted Kira. Badly. She wanted a child more than anything.
Sarah pretends to toast the air and calmly announces she needs a moment, all the while dying a panicked death inside. She goes into the bathroom and makes a terrified call to Alison to warn her.
Alison, however, doesn’t answer as she is busily exercising on her NordicTrack. Ok sure, but why is she doing this in her favorite gingham jammies? No one works out in their jammies! Come on, Orphan Black writers. More importantly, the bald assassin that was with Ferdinand is lurking outside with a bottle and a cloth, ready to get his chloroformin’ on!
Ferdinand comes into the bathroom and tells ‘Rachel’ he doesn’t even recognize her anymore. Sarah knows what to do. She tears his belt off and whips him with it. He’s so happy you guise! He falls on the bed, delighted, and when Sarah jumps on his back and puts the belt around his neck he says, “Yes! Pull it tight!” You fool! Sarah sure does pull it tight, determined to kill this evil little man and when he asks if she remembers their safe word she spits out, “No.” HAHA
Sarah is really putting her all into the strangling when Delphine bursts in and puts an end to it. Ferdinand is not pleased with the interruption, whining that he’s sanctioned by Topside! Delphine spits out that he’s sanctioned to conduct security reviews, not screw the ‘product’. Ferdinand is in big trouble and is blackmailed into calling off the assassin lurking at Alison’s and reporting that Topside is secure. Close call!
Helena is still inside her box and her legs are hurting from the confinement. Her pal the scorpion is still there, sitting on her hand. It tells her to picture a ‘box within a box within a box’. Luckily for her, the military Castor clone has come to unlock the box and the scorpion tells Helena, “Congratulations! You’ve escaped the first box.” The two clones stare at each other as the lid is raised. I can’t wait for Helena to eventually kill all of these a-holes.
Back in Marion’s basement, the Castor clone is sitting and mediating. His brother Moustache, comes down the stairs, shoots the guard, and sets him free. They hug happily. Well. That was easy. Being genetically engineered super soldier clones has it’s advantages.
Oh yeah, and in other news: Kira is playing with/keeping safe Helena’s container of frozen embryos, Donnie got fired for calling his boss a bitch so they’re tight on income and Alison’s gonna run for School Trustee. Yolo?