Orphan Black 3×03 – Formalized, Complex, and Costly

Let's all toast to the deceased moustache

Let’s all toast to the deceased moustache

Previously: Seth’s moustache is mercy killed, Helena ate salad, Pupok wants mangoes, Hot Paul was hot.



Seth went and died in Felix’s apartment lobby and then didn’t even leave. Rude! So I guess Felix and Sarah dragged him upstairs, rested for a moment or ten in the living room and then got the strength to plop him into the bathtub, judging from the huge blood puddle in the living room and the dead Seth in his bathtub. Good work, team!

Since that’s more cardio than those two have had for a while, they pant and stare at dead Seth. Maybe they should close his eyes, they say. They chicken out and go take a shot instead.

Knock knock! It’s Art and he wants in. Sarah and Felix panic on account of the dead Seth in the tub and the blood and stuff. They frantically yell out that Felix has been sick and throwing up all day, it’s a mess, hold please, as they try to make the scene look a little less incriminating. Art keeps banging on the door cause he has something very important to tell her! I don’t know why we’re pretending that Felix’s door has ever kept anyone out. Just force it open, Art. Anyone can, and has.

Sarah opens the door and Art immediately knows something’s up. Felix standing right in front of the bathroom and Art standing in a pool of blood didn’t really help. Art barges into the bathroom and sees dead Seth. “It wasn’t us!” Sarah claims. Bad work, team.

Felix suggests that Art just looks away. Art pretends that he is considering calling this in but of course he isn’t and he doesn’t cause…whatever. He’s Art, worst detective in the land.

Sarah Skypes with Cosima and introduces her to Art. Cosima’s all, hi Art, I knew your ex-partner Beth, remember her. Then Sarah immediately takes the computer to the bathroom and shows her dead Seth. Cosima’s all oooooooh I want to examine his brain to find out the boy clones’ flaw that’s making them sick! Art’s all, whatever, and tells Sarah he got a lead on the Prolethian Mark that married ginger Gracie.

Speaking of, Mark and Gracie are still in that dingy motel room. Gracie thinks they’re on their honeymoon and not at all hiding from the Castor army dudes but that’s cause she doesn’t know about that. All Gracie knows is that they haven’t had the sex yet and since they’re married it’s not a sin so let’s get banging. Mark the Virgin resists for a second but she kisses him and they grin and it’s romance time! Let’s unbutton all them neck buttons, shall we?

Alison and Donnie are passing out campaign flyers, and little gift boxes of soap. Not gonna vote for Alison? How about this soap with hidden drugs underneath since I know you were a client of Ramone’s? Also, I’m Ramone now, bitch. Vote for Alison!

After the sex Mark confesses to Gracie that he never actually left the army like she thought. He was undercover to recover the valuable scientific stuff her father stole from them. Gracie is all, “This was all a lie??? We took you in!!!” and completely forgets to be mad about that whole thing with her Dad implanting the embryo of Helena and himself in her but okay. I guess Hendrik took the original DNA samples that Castor needs. And he hid them with some guy we’ve never heard of before.

Art and Sarah find the mean midwife that was on the commune. She tells them that she was cast out and isn’t part of them anymore. Sarah couldn’t care less and presses the midwife until she tells them about Helena and the baby in her cervix. At least that’s where Helena thinks it is. Oh and P.S. Hendrik put one of those babies into Gracie too. Sarah’s all, ewwww.

Gracie remembers she’s got this baby that her Dad made inside her and she needs Mark. She comes up with a plan and goes to see some shifty farmer. He’s the guy we’ve never heard of. Finch. “Remember me?” Gracie asks Finch. I’m like, no, I’ve never heard of this guy so I’m not sure if he remembers YOU. Creeper Finch does remember her, however, and is all licking his lips and looking her up and down and saying Gracie sure has blossomed and wtf is happening this guy is gross as eff.

Gracie bluffs that she’s here to pick up The Package (Dramatic music) that her dad entrusted Finch to hide. He hands it over and tells her there’s a thousand dollar holding fee but also somehow manages to get even grosser and implies that sexual stuff will pay the fee too. He implies this with his eyes and lecherous looks. Gracie stares him down and intimidates him with threats of her mother’s anger. Finch is cowed and lets her have the toolbox of secrets that Hendrik left. Sucker!

Hot Paul arrives at the secret base with Rudy. Codename Mother (Operation: Hot Mother!) is furious with Rudy for killing Seth. I guess she never saw that moustache. Rudy explains that he was just following protocol, as Seth was sick. He’s sent to wait in her office like a naughty schoolboy.

Hot Paul and Mother chat. The clones are not doing so great. Seth went bad in like, one day. Helena didn’t help, she doesn’t have the defect. They need that original DNA, dammit! And the Castor operation is in danger of being shut down at any moment! Paul needs to buy them more time with the Director, whoever that may be. Stay tuned!

Cosima and Scott remove dead Seth’s brain using an electric saw of some type, a scalpel and some kitchen tongs. Felix holds the garbage bag for the skull top. “Well, I looked. Shouldn’t have looked…” Felix says, turning green.

I brought the tongs. OH GOD BRAIN

I brought the tongs. OH GOD BRAIN

Rachel’s in therapy with Dr. Nealon. She struggles to say the name of the picture cards he holds up. “Knife,” she says. Close, it’s a key. Using one or two word sentences, she asks about when she will return to Topside. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Everyone thinks she’s dead and Delphine has taken over her role. But let’s get you better, shall we, Dr. Nealon says. Rachel’s very important. More important than she knows. She gets a steely look in her eyes and when the good doctor holds up another card she clearly says, with her cultured and clipped accent firmly in place, “Horses.” It’s a picture of the Castor tattoo they sport. Don’t mess with Rachel! She will end this!

Motherfucking horse, that's what it is. Bitch

Motherfucking horse, that’s what it is. Bitch

Mother goes into her office to scold Rudy and can I just say he stands at attention in the weirdest way??? Rudy hands over his and Seth’s log books. She puts him on the task of bringing Mark home. No more ginger Gracie for him I guess. Rudy isn’t happy about this and whines, “And the Major?” Mother says she will handle the Major and I say, who’s the Major? The Director, the Major..Sigh. SO many twists.

Things get weird when Rudy gets even whinier. “Mom” he warbles, “I saw it start, in Seth’s eyes. It took him so fast.” He had to try to save him and find those darn DNA original samples. He throws himself at her feet and wraps his arms around her waist, all heavy breathing and thumb sucking and whaaat?

It's practically the scene from Blue Velvet

It’s practically the scene from Blue Velvet

Mother holds him but her expression seems somewhat bored by it all.

Ugh kids, AMIRITE?

Ugh kids, AMIRITE?

Alison’s soap/drug/campaigning is going so well that they’ll break even on their investment in a few months. She gloats that they’ll beat that stupid Marcie and speak of the devil, it’s Marcie, barging into their garage where the soap making / drug hiding is happening. Yikes!

Donnie: You shouldn’t be in here! There’s fumes! And…lard…

Donnie, stop making me love you in every damn scene.

Marcie tries to buy them off with a great deal on a huge almost mansion of a house in a different school district. Donnie excitedly points out the house has a salt water pool! Alison sends Marcie on her way with many biting words. Just don’t wear a scarf around a garburator, Marcie.

The family that sells drugs together, hugs together

The family that sells drugs together, hugs together

Sarah and Art show up to talk to dirty old creeper man Finch. They find out that Gracie came to visit. They leave. Lame.

The midwife knocks on Bonnie’s door and even though she told she’s still banished, spills the goods on how to find ginger Gracie and Mark. Oh, betrayal!

Mark opens the box that he though was gonna hold the DNA but it’s just journals and paper. WHAT. He goes to the farm to see Finch and torture him to find out where this DNA is dammit. Before he leaves, Ginger Gracie gives him a big ole kiss and is all, come back to meeeee.

Turns out Art doesn’t look constipated all the time for no good reason. It’s cuz he was in luv with Beth. Yeah yeah. We figured that way back in season one but honestly who cares. I guess this is explaining why Art helps Sarah (you’re her sister!) but we know it’s cause he’s just a terrible detective. Terrible.

Sarah tells him to get back to work, she’ll check out the local motels and look for Mark and Gracie. Then she’ll just take the bus home. Art’s like, sounds good, and leaves. Like I said, terrible detective.

Rudy comes to taunt Helena as she relaxes in her cell. Helena taunts right back, and way better. “Another one. You are the ugliest Mark yet.” She’s not one bit intimidated by him because Helena is AWESOME.

Hot Paul interrupts him and Rudy does his strange standing at attention. It’s so weird! Hot Paul sends Rudy away.

Go practice how to stand at attention, Rudy

Go practice how to stand at attention, Rudy

“Dirrrrrty Paul. You lies with my seestras. Even Rachel,” Helena croons. She licks her hand in a lewd way. Is she implying that she’s wetting herself for him? So crude and amazing and never change, Helena. Never ever change. “Come inside. Have another.” Even though she’s filthy and probably wanting to beat him to death I still kinda want him to go in her cell does that make me a BAD PERSON? He’s just so hot. So so hot.

Hot Paul is sorry Helena’s here, in this situation.His beautiful eyes are sad. Ha. Helena doesn’t care what he thinks. She tells him that one day she will kill them all and makes the most perfect machine gun sound and mimes shooting him. Paul gives her a tiny smile and walks away and I should make a gif of it but I’m so lazy, guys. WAIT. WAIT A SEC. I got distracted by his hotness. I AM IN A PANIC. HELENA! DO NOT KILL HOT PAUL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PROMISE ME YOU WILL NOT KILL HIM SERIOUSLY PLEASE.

Sarah finds Gracie in the same diner she was eating in. How convenient. They chat. Sarah points out that Gracie’s baby and Kira are cousins. Gracie doesn’t fall for the family angle. Sarah pulls out the big guns and spills that husband Mark is A CLONE TOO OMG. Gracie freaks –gross clones ew- and tells Sarah where to find him.

Mark tortures Finch over the whereabouts of the DNA Hendrik had. He smashes one of Finches fingers with a hammer. Finch screams. Good. He was a disgusting old pervert.

Gracie is about to run off from her honeymoon motel and her dirty clone husband but mom Bonnie shows up. Gracie is so disgusted by her husband Mark the CLONE that she goes back to her.

Sarah goes back to the Finch farm to find Mark. Cosima calls to tell her the big new she found out from the brain tissue experiments: the Castor clones are their biological brothers! Ok, that’s cool.

Sarah finds Finch dead in the torture chair. Heart attack from the finger hammering. Mark is hurt to find out that Gracie sold him out and told Sarah where to find him. He’s doubly hurt to find out that Gracie knows he’s a CLONE. Sarah tells him he’s her BROTHER. They’re FAMILY. Can’t we all just get ALONG??? Nope. Mark goes to find Gracie.

As he runs to his truck, Bonnie appears and shoots him in the leg. Sarah, smartly, hides and doesn’t help him as he crawls into the corn field, Bonnie strolling up behind him.

Mark begs her not to kill him cause he totes luvs Gracie. Bonnie says she luvs Gracie more with her mother luv and that’s way better than dumb ole clone luv and raises her gun. We cut to the corn field as a gun shot rings out and crows fly the eff outta there. Is Mark deadsville? Will Felix have more storyline this season? Will Alison and Donnie’s drug dealing get investigated by Constipated Art who will shrug and go, meh, clones? Will Pupok get her own spin-off TV series and win an Emmy before Tatiana? Will Helena escape/be rescued? Don’t kill Hot Paul, Helena, please, seriously, please!