Game of Thrones 5.5 – Kill The Boy

Guys, thanks for carrying on the conversation last week after I disappeared from our comments/board. I love that everyone has great (spoiler free) chats with each other. I feel like Daenerys watching her dragons growing up… [sniff]

Previously! But this episode opens with the big question: Did Grey Worm live?? Missandei watches over him, wringing her hands with worry as she wonders if he’ll wake. Daenerys watches over Ser Barristan, who won’t. Hasn’t. Will never. *sniff for Ser Barristan the Bold* And she is pissed. Her solution? Round up the heads of every one of the great families and bring them to her. So… sorry Hizdahr, but you gots ta go.

Daenerys Targaryen with her dragons on Mother's Day

Even when her child ignites and eats other children. Maybe especially then. MOTHER OF THE YEAR, NAILED IT.

The Mother of Dragons is awakening, I do believe. Hell. Yes.

And not only that is happening, but she’s also leading them into the dragon chamber!! OH MY GOD, DEATH BY DRAGON SNACK. Dany cooks up the heads of these family like a proper marshmallow at a campfire: instant ignition so it chars quickly, leaving a crunchy exterior and slippery insides. [Did I just ruin S’mores for you?]

Meereen S'Mores! They taste better when they're crispy on the outside, right? Who's got the chocolate bits and graham crackers?

Meereen S’Mores! They taste better when they’re crispy on the outside, right? Who’s got the chocolate bits and graham crackers?

Samwell Magic the Gathering Butt Crack Guy reads a Raven’d message that Maester Aemon has received, so now we know everyone at The Wall is caught up on Slaver’s Bay, dragons, and how Daenerys is soon to be the last Targaryen alive. YEP, NO MORE TARGARYENS AFTER HER, WOE WOE SNIFF. [cough] In unrelated events, Jon Snow smolders in, wanting to speak to the Maester alone.

So raise your hand if like me, you believe that the whole “Dany is going to be the only Targaryen alive” convo is foreshadowing about the whole Jon Snow is a Stark and Targaryen love child thing we talked about last week? Plus, with the whole “kill the boy, let the man be born” talk, that also has me thinking they’re about to spring some rebirth on Jon Snow in the form of learning his true parentage? Just me?

But something happens for which I’ve been waiting five episodes: Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër to come back on my screen.

Jon: Where’re the rest of your men?
GtBF: Doesn’t matter, because they were here for Mance. Way to ruin the party, Snow.
Jon: Uh, I’m not a party ruiner because I have a Grand Idea.
GtBF: Sounds like drunk me before I fuçkëd that bær…
Jon: Let’s make love, not war. Or are you too scared to?
GtBF: Take these chains off and say that again.
Jon: [does just that]
GtBF: …shit. I didn’t think you actually would. Uh, okay. So, how about you come with me to gather up the rest of my people so they’ll actually believe it?
Jon: Um.
Night’s Watch: Uproar! Furor! Let them die! Less enemies!
Stannis: It’s fucking FEWER.
Davos: What was that?
Stannis: Fewer is for things you can count, less is for things you don’t, or have you forgotten season two??
Davos: Ah, right. Little Newt gets her Hooked on Phonics from you. [smiles]
Jon: Brass tacks: either we get them on our side, or they become Predefremen* Ice Zombies.
Me: [Psst, newbs! Predator + Dune’s Fremen = White Walkers. …don’t get into a book argument over wight vs. white PLEASE, and laugh at the babies being the spice, the spice IS the babies! Where the fear has gone there will be nothing, and only I will remain! Basically I’m saying Jon Snow is going to be our Paul Atreides. I… I’m getting a little carried away here.]

Stannis Baratheon, Grammar Nazi

Stannis Baratheon, True King of Westeros and Grammar Nazi

Ollie isn’t too impressed with Lord Commander Snow’s plan, and neither are most of the Watch. But Winter Is Coming and it’s vital to survival, guys. I’m trusting Jon here, ngl.

The great Buddy Cop duo of Pod and Brienne keep watch over Sansa in Winterfell, making nice with the locals by a game of “Who’s More Loyal?” in an attempt to get a message to Sansa safely. Because we all know how freaking awful this situation is for her. And to underscore that, the scene cuts to Ramsay having a little poke and tickle with his lady friend Myranda, she of the dog siccing. And it turns out she’s the kennel master’s daughter! Well that’s convenient for all their dog murder needs. She’s a loose screw (ha) and he’s perfectly happy keeping her as a little taste on the side, but Myranda has shown that she’s not cool with that at all.

Folks? We don’t fuck crazy. Sure, they’re hellcats in the sack, but then there’s the torture, them secretly revealing your plans to the enemy to get back at you, which surely will lead to bloody murder, and of course all the paperwork associated with cleaning up the mess…

That nice old lady from before tells Sansa that she’s not alone, and should she ever be in trouble, light a signal candle. I’m pretty sure Brienne will be the one coming to her rescue. One can only hope.

SANSA WE ARE HERE FOR YOU, BOO.

SANSA, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU, BOO.

Sansa checks out that tower—the Jaime-Cersei baddirtywrongbone and push Bran out of the window tower—when Myranda shows up to Mean Girl her.

Myranda: You’re like, really pretty.
Sansa: Thank you!
Myranda: So you agree?
Sansa: Hmm?
Myranda: You think you’re really pretty?
Sansa: Uh. I don’t…
Myranda: Anyhoodle, I literally grew up in a kennel and have all the manners of an intact Chow, including the inappropriate humping and stress biting, but I want to give you a gift.
Sansa: I’d rather…
Myranda: Go right on into the kennel for a blast from the past, byyyyyyyyye!!
Sansa: OH SURE IT’S PERFECTLY SAFE OKAY LET ME JUST GO INTO THIS DARK PLACE FILLED WITH BARKING VICIOUS DOGS AS MYRANDA FLITS OFF AND LEAVES ME WHATEVER COULD GO WRONG
Me: Sansa, DID YOU LEAVE YOUR BRAINS IN THE EYRIE!?
Theon: Visitors? Master!? OH. SHIT. Nope, I’m not Theon, name’s Reek. And wow, please infer the appropriate information from this moment, former foster sister
Sansa: [storms out]

Theon tells Ramsay that Sansa knows Theon is there, and as punishment Ramsay decides to forgive Reek. So now Reek is freaking out, which is appropriate, because this is new and most likely a trap. At dinner, Ramsay is all gentility, pouring out for both Sansa and “Mother” (hahaha, forever loving smiling Walda), and offering a toast to their upcoming wedding.

Awesome: Sansa rolling her eyes and not drinking, then correcting Walda on this not being a “strange land,” but her actual home filled with strangers. SANSA IS NOT HERE FOR YOUR BUTCHERED DOORS LYRICS, WALDA.

And when Ramsay calls for more wine, Reek comes out with a decanter. Ah, Ramsay’s going the “he burned your little brothers” route, throwing her off the “my poppa killed your older brother and mom” trail and making it seem like all of the torture and punishment of Theon was for that, like it’ll endear him to Sansa. Actually, he doesn’t seem to give two shits if Sansa likes him or not, says I. He tells Reek to apologize to Sansa for murdering the Stark boys, and then says Reek will walk the bride down the aisle as her last remaining relative. Wonderful! Ramsay is so batshit, wow.

 

Ramsay Bolton Sansa Stark at uncomfortable dinner

Hey Sansa, how about this dogshit smelling murderer walks you down the aisle at our wedding? I’m going to Optimum Romance. Y/N?

Roose, in his dripping with sex and murder voice, informs them all that Walda is expecting, and it’s most likely a boy. Ramsay? Show us on the Reek how that makes you feel?

So we get the backstory on Ramsay coming to being and it’s the old, romantic tale of a man of means takes what he wants from a peasant girl, has her husband killed, rapes her under the dying body, doesn’t believe her when she shows up a year later with a baby, then takes the baby and raises it to be a monster. [sings] Song as old as rhyme… Beauty and… the beast! Also, Roose knows about Stannis, so this big battle (let me guess, happening 5.9?) is gonna be [high pitched voice] awesome!

Gilly aw shucks around the library, and let’s take a moment to point out how wonderful it is when a person is excited to learn. Sure, her knowledge is very limited, but there’s a reason why it’s so limited, and Samwell’s Nice Guying and Pitying her, amused at how little she knows really ticked me off. (He does this often, let’s not forget.)

She even says in a voice strong for all that it’s ashamed, “I’m sorry I don’t know things.” But he backs off and lists all of the things she does know (things of value as well), and I’m not heated any longer. (I have issues with people smirking with amusement at less educated people, like they’re a dog walking on their hind legs, or something.)

I love that Samwell wanted to be a Maester, and I love that he’s always silver lining his way through bad situations, I’ll say that. “Far more adventure up here anyway.” Okay, Samwell, back in my good graces. For now.

The Stannis Campaign Bus continues to roll into Laura Town, let me tell you. He acknowledges who Sam is, wants to know how to kill White Walkers, shows the viewer once again that he is no dummy (“I know what it is, we have that in Dragonstone.”), and puts Sam back to researching Dragonglass and why it kills the Prederemen. And he’s also just won over Sam for acknowledging what ‘Winter is Coming’ actually means, if I had to make a bet. Stannis gets it. Stannis gets what it takes to win not just a war, but this war.

Stannis infoms Davos to get the men ready—he doesn’t want to give Roose any more advantage, and also Shit Mom and Little Newt are coming with them, because, ha, here’s the thing: they’re actually safer on the road to war than they are at the Wall! That’s what happens when you fill a castle with rapists and thieves.

And Ser Davos and Little Newt are maybe the cutest pair of friends in all the land. I love them so much it makes my throat burn with a hot lump. Ser Davos is a good guy, oh my heart.

Fire Crotch Mage’s drapes now match the rug, oho! What does this mean? (Don’t tell me if it’s a book thing, but I assume it’s because she’s Found Her Purpose again, or has boned up for the coming battle, refilled her bag of Magicks or some such.) The overhead shot of Stannis’ men marching away from the wall is killer. I am so excited for this battle, please, please, please let the Boltons get flayed ironically. Or not ironically, just, you know, make sure there is lots of painful torture. A-men.

Grey Worm miraculously wakes up! He’s been out for three days and has come to feeling like a failure. And holy smokes, man the cloning machine and get some extra Grey Worms churned out in time for holidays, and GIVE ME ONE, because he’s The Best. This man has game like oh my god. See, he’s a failure because he was afraid, afraid of never seeing the love of his life again, and THAT RIGHT THERE WAS GOLD, BUDDY. Missandei, if you don’t hit that, I will never be your friend again. Oh thank god, she got onto the bed with him and kissed him tenderly. My little romantic heart loves knowing that she is probably his first kiss. (Where is the fic, guys? I’m total shipper trash.)

Grey Worm Missandei kissing

HERE FOR IT. YAAAAAASSS, GET IT GORL.

After talking it out with Missandei, Daenerys goes below to Hizdahr’s cell to tell him that she was wrong and he was right about [sings] tradition!  She’ll reopen the fighting pits, but only to free people. Never will there be slaves fighting in the pits, and not only that, but she’ll make the Meereenese peeps happy by marrying someone from one of the oldest families. Let’s say… him.

Hizdar: UH. [adjusts self]
Jorah: I FEEL A DISTURBANCE IN THE [obsession] FORCE, NO, KHALEESI!!!!

Tyrion tries to connect with Jorah in some way if only to make this trip more bearable, but Jorah wrote the book on sullen silences. (Pity. That’s a voice I’d love to hear ramble on.) They’re cutting through Valyria, Daenerys’ homeland, and there’s talk of The Doom and demons, entities that rule that land. Whether it’s real or myth, we don’t yet know, but it’s enough to keep pirates away, which makes their shortcut all the smarter. This is a great way to get exposition out, by having Tyrion tell us the story of it being the greatest city ever and how I guess lava burst from the ground and destroyed it? That’s “The Doom?”

Jorah and Tyrion watch a dragon fly overhead

Butterfly in the skyyyyyy! I can go twice as high!

WAIT. NO. HOLD THE PHONE, DROGON FLIES OVERHEAD AND THEY BOTH STARE IN AWE. Yeah, Tyrion! They’re real!! DRAGONS, BRO. BRO. BRO. LIKE FLYING GIANT FLAME LIZARDS. THEY. ARE. REAL.

BUT HOLD THE PHONE TIMES A MILLION, WHAT ELDRITCH HORROR LURKS ON THAT CLIFF WALL?!?! It was man shaped?! And it came out of hiding? And dropped into the water?!?! Oh, sure, Jorah, just keep sailing into that tunnel, WHAT CAN GO WRONG!?

Stone Man emerging from darkness behind Tyrion Lannister

AHHHHHHHHH MY GREATEST NIGHTMARE NOOOOOOOOO!!!

STONE MEN! Ah, my kin! NO, NO THEY ARE FRIGHTENING. Okay, true story, I watched the movie The Descent, and SPOILER ALERT FOR THAT MOVIE, I CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH, SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT, and I had NO idea what the movie was about. I thought it was just a “spelunking gone wrong” movie, because ha ha, I used to rock climb, etc., and let me tell you, being trapped in a collapsing cave is terrifying to me already and when you see the WHITE ALIEN FACE behind the girls as they’re using their camera’s infrared to see in the darkness I SHRIEKED and LEAPT over the back of my sofa, clawing at my face, shaking and crying. Pretty much did it again last night.

Ohhhhhhh, greyscale, it turns the victims into animalistic brutes, so infectious that just being touched by them will spread the disease. (The doll Little Newt was given apparently had plenty of the virus on it? IDK, the science doesn’t work, but this is FANTASY not SF, so I can handwave.) Tyrion has to get away from one by going overboard, but that first guy from the gif above grabs him under water and tugs him down, down, everything goes black, and if you don’t think I clutched my throat, blinking rapidly waiting for a cliffhanger of an ending, then you haven’t been paying attention to just how panic-stricken I can be.

WAIT! NO! Jorah is there as Tyrion blinks his eyes open! Surely Jorah Mormont is the man for my loins, I mean, he’s a hero and saved Tyrion. But is Tyrion infected? It seems not. Is Jorah? He shakes his head.

Tyrion, reflecting on the horrible event they barely made it through, says it would be kinder to kill people before they got to that state.

And of course, we see a patch of greyscale on Jorah’s forearm. GOD. DAMMIT. CAN I HAVE NOTHING NICE?!

Jorah Mormont has greyscale

NO. NUH UH. DO NOT WANT, SHOW. Oh, Jorah. Jorah!! *gross sobbing* I’d say lemme kiss it better, but… *ten foot pole push*

Okay. Awesome things this episode (there was a lot for me) was the parallel between Jon and Dany, both losing the last vestiges of their childish idealism and becoming leaders, leaders who both are “marrying” two different groups in order to forge some measure of peace. Sansa is doing that in a way, too, the marriage to someone she wouldn’t particularly choose—in fact, someone who’s being chosen for her—with the idea that it’ll create peace among the Northerners, and she’s definitely on the path to losing the last bits of her childhood, but I think she’s got a way to go. She’s S1 Daenerys and she’s got a horse heart to eat eventually, but not just yet. Hmm, I think it’ll be a dog heart, actually. I HOPE IT IS MYRANDA’S. Jeez, this show is making me so bloodthirsty… Hahahaha.

REMINDER THAT I AM NOT A BOOK READER. I do not want to hear what’s in the book, what they did wrong on the show, what detail I got wrong because I’m not a book reader so I didn’t spell… You see the common theme? Help me continue to love this show by not falling into the Pedant Well please and thank you. (There are creatures with greyscale down there, okay? Stay up here in happy acceptance land! We have cake!)

Folks who have been hanging out on my corner for a while know the drill and are AWESOME and have kept me happily in the dark for five seasons, and we seriously have the best forum, let me just say. I love picking up new folks over here, especially when they quickly learn the house rules. It’s all down to everyone being really supportive of the No Spoilers/Book Learnin’ rule and still managing to remain excited by this terrific television show we all love. AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT. (I’m… excitable, have you picked up on that?)

Next Week! I JUST DON’T EVEN. I kinda want some non-stop Stannis now, ngl.

Tell me your thoughts, guys. Help me heal as I fret over my beloved Jorah Mormont (it’s the voice, the obsession is a bit much, as we all know.) Help me giggle and blush over Grey Worm. GUYS. WE ARE HALFWAY. HOW. HOW?

(Psst: I’m conventioning all week in Dallas, so I might be sporadic this week, too, but I’ll be checking in often, I promise! And if you’re in DFW, I’ll be signing books Thursday, Friday and Saturday at the Hyatt Regency. Come say hi!)

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