Orphan Black 3×04 – Newer Elements of Our Defense

Helena will right the wrongs and wrong the rights and steal your heart and eat some pork chops

Helena will right the wrongs and wrong the rights and steal your heart and eat some pork chops

Previously: Cosima did some brain-removin’, Alison and Donnie started some drug dealing’, Rachel started some speech therapin’, Art did some love confession’, Rudy did some thumb suckin’ and Bonnie did some gun shootin’.



Bonnie walks out of the corn field in slo mo like the baddest badass that ever badassed. She’s practically the Terminator. Sarah makes a run for the truck and the gun on the ground beside it and then pops into the cornfield to find Mark! He’s alive! He’s not doing great but he’s alive. She ties a tourniquet around his shot leg and drags him out as more Prolethians show up to get Mark out of the cornfield. Clone bros before hoes!

Hey Ginger Gracie, welcome to the new Prolethian home, filled to the brim with creepy creepers singing around a piano , including a creepy old man with cataracts. These people sure know how to party! The old man was present for Gracie’s birth which means he’s free to put his blind ole hands on her face and proclaim her to have grown up into a pretty thing. Whatever, cataracts. Hands to yourself.

Cataracts puts his hand on Gracie’s baby growing belly, thrilled to hear about how she’s carrying that special little miracle. His magical cataract eyes sees something unhappy though and he makes a disturbed face. Cataracts isn’t a total asshole so he shakes it off and suggests that the Mother to be Gracie needs to eat.

This is the face of someone you can trust

This is the face of someone you can trust

Speaking of eating, Helena’s gnawing on a pork chop and coming up with a plan. She ties a tourniquet around her upper arm and acts like a maniac to draw the guards over, bashing her head and drawing blood. When the soldier Castor clone looks through the bars she flings her feces bucket at him, “Eat my shiiit! Eat my shiit!” she sing-songs and I love her so much you guys.

Mother comes in and administers a sedative and Helena pretends to pass out but haha, they don’t know about the tourniquet hidden by her long sleeves. It’s time for Helena to go to the infirmary to get that nasty cut on her head looked at.

Donnie comes home and tells Alison that someone was tailing him. She asks if it was Marcie – that bitch – but Donnie’s more worried it’s the police. We know it’s not Art, because he couldn’t tail a poster of a donkey. You know, like…pin the tail on the donkey. That joke fell flat.

They pack up all incriminating evidence to hide off-premise. Alison makes a plan: label everything, put it in a storage locker and be done in time for swimming lessons. “Oh my god!” Donnie exclaims, “Is everyone else’s life this chaotic?!” He’s the BEST.

Sarah half-drags Mark through the woods. She wants to take him to the hospital but he says no, his Castor people would find him then. Luckily they find a semi-abandoned house and crash there for a while. Sarah sure is good at finding ‘abandoned’ homes. I wonder if there’s another babydaddy in this one. Stupid Cal.

Pupok wakes Helena up once the guards leave her alone. Pupok is so cute. Who would’ve thought a giant black scorpion could be this adorable? Pupok tells her to scout around then get back before she’s caught. To escape the box she has to know what’s in the next box first. Helena promises to be “quiet as church mouse”.

Imma gonna click clack my way into yo HEART

Imma gonna click clack my way into yo HEART

Helena walks around, struggling not to pass out from the sedative. The tourniquet helped slow the drug but won’t stop it completely. She looks through a wall fan and sees something horrifying. A male clone strapped in a chair, making terrible, suffering moaning sounds as he’s being experimented on. The sedative takes effect and she slumps down. Luckily Pupok wakes her up after a bit, telling her to hurry back to the infirmary before she’s caught. She does. Success!

Sarah and Mark do some field medicine in he abandoned living room and exchange facts as she removes the bullet from his leg with some hard liquer and a pair of pliers that were still in the house, along with a couch and other stuff whatever. They bond a little. He doesn’t know where Helena is. Booo.

Alison and Donnie walk out of their house with all their product to find some guy sitting in their yard, eating a sandwich. His boss wants to have a meeting with them. Alison points out that they bought their ‘relaxation materials’ off Ramone fair and square but then quickly figures out that Ramone didn’t go to college like he said. Nope, that guy’s on the lam. They’ll meet up with the boss later tonight.

Felix comes home (again, how does he open that door?) and finds Cosima wearing Delphine’s clothes and eating Eskimo Pie ice cream bars. Felix does not approve, but mostly he doesn’t approve of her sweater. He’s taking her to Bobbie’s bar! I get excited cause I think we’re gonna see Bobbie again but nope.

Ginger Gracie is in her room and starts having a miscarriage. She tries to hide it from Bonnie but Bonnie sees all and screams for Alexis the midwife. This should end well.

More clone bro and sis bonding. All the male clones were raised together and trained to track people. As he passes out Mark mumbles that the original DNA samples are gone, all Hendrik had was ‘junk’. Sarah figures out that Mark found something that might be useful. She grabs the motel key from his pocket, calls for an ambulance to come get Mark, and takes off. No more clone bros before hoes I guess.

Helena fashions a key out of her pork chop bone. I thought she was gonna make a shiv out of it and stab the ever-loving Jesus out of everyone (except Hot Paul of course) and then escape into her sisters’ loving arms but I guess the key thing is pretty good too.

Donnie brings a gun to the drug deal meeting and Alison is not pleased. The other car pulls up and the henchman frisks Alison, which she hates, of course. When he turns to Donnie, Donnie backs up and says he has ‘touching issues’ in the hope that he won’t find the gun. That’s fine cause the boss only wants to talk to Alison, alone, in the car.

She goes inside to find the boss is none other that her old high school boyfriend Jason Kellerman. Well, that’s handy. He still obviously has the hots for her and she seems to have a bit of a shine for him and hold on, hold on, hold on here people let’s just stop this right now. Donnie is friggin awesome so don’t you be throwing this Jason Kellerman with his stupid poor man’s Darryl Dixon hairdo into the mix.

Poor man's Darryl Dixon

This guy’s looking for a vest with wings on it

Darryl's all, "Nice try, chump."

Darryl’s all, “Nice try, chump.”

Actually, for a moment I thought it was Will Forte.

Pictured: Will Forte, God amongst men

Pictured: Will Forte, God amongst men

Anyways, Alison convinces Not-Darryl/Will to let her sell her drugs, promising to have the money by the end of the week. They shake on it and I’m mad at the sexual tension. The show has also brought up Alison’s Mom many times now so I’m sure we’ll see her sooner rather than later.

Cosima and Felix are at the bar and Felix wants her to do some kind of phone app ‘scratching post’ dating site called ‘Saphire’. He asks how tall she is as he’s making her profile and um Felix, she’s the same height as your sister, her clone. Silly Fee.

Then Sarah, who’s found the box of scientific journals in the motel, calls Cosima, who answers at the bar on speakerphone? Yeah, let’s just talk about all this secret clone stuff where people may or may not hear whatever. Hendrik was Professor Duncan’s lab assistant. So that’s how he had access to steal DNA and stuff. They think he must’ve grown a clone of his own inside Bonnie. That kid would have the original DNA samples that the Castors are looking for.

Gracie has been laid out in the living room to be prayed over. Yeah, that’ll help. Cataracts announces that the baby has been lost and leaves the room. I guess there won’t be any more sing-alongs around the piano today.

This woman does not want to hear Gracie's excuses! Miscarriages are GOD"S PUNISHMENT, PEOPLE

This woman does not want to hear Gracie’s excuses! Miscarriages are GOD’S PUNISHMENT, PEOPLE

Bonnie orders the ladies out and tells Ginger Gracie that she’s not welcome here again. God is punishing her for betraying her family. Thanks, Mom! Love you too.

Gracie looks scared. Clone husband, no baby that was half her father’s inside her, no horrible cult Mom. What’s a ginger to do?

I wonder if they also try to pray away the gay in people

I wonder if they also try to pray away the gay in people cause this looks like it went well

Mark shows up at the motel and he’s pissed that Sarah called an ambulance! She tells him about the baby with the DNA that Hendrik made and asks if he knows if Hendrik ever mentioned a son. Mark directs her to the first place Bonnie and Hendrik lived in and shows her the grave behind the house. Guess who’s gonna dig up a dead baby for the DNA? Yay Sarah!

As Sarah digs she talks to Mark about Helena. Sarah says Helena can’t help how she is, but she’s not a monster. You’re right Sarah, Helena is a hero and my love 5ever. That even longer than 4ever.

Helena’s pork chop bone key works like a charm and she escapes her prison room. She goes back to the sad, horrific experimentation/torture room and talks to the clone, Parsons, inside.

I smell burnt toast, doctor! (You gotta be Canadian to get that joke. Sorry non Canadians(

I smell burnt toast, doctor! (You gotta be Canadian to get that joke. Sorry non Canadians)

Parsons is a human lab rat and Helena’s heart hurts for him. She uncovers his head to see that the top of his skull has been removed, exposing his brain. There’s probes inserted in him and he’s in pain and whimpering and begs her to kill him, as most human medical experiments do. Pupok warns her not to do it, not to waste her chance of escape, but she makes the right choice. Our hero soothes Parsons, sad music plays, Helena stabs his brain, the life support alarms go off and I have something in my eye…

Mother runs up to see what Helena has done and she is livid. Helena’s also livid, calling her a ‘shit mother’. There’s a lot of shit mothers in this episode. And shit in general, now that I think of it.

Mother screams for the guards as Helena threatens her with the scalpel and Helena gets a rifle butt in the face, knocking her out. God damn it, people. I mean, she made a KEY out of a PORK CHOP BONE that she formed with her TEETH. That’s gotta counts for SOMETHING.

Horrible Rudy shows up just as Sarah’s dug up the grave and Mark’s passed out from pain. Nice job Rudy, could’ve shown up earlier and helped but noooo. Anyways, Rudy sucks and he’s mean. He wants to kill Sarah and get the DNA baby bones so she smashes his stupid face with the shovel and runs off to hide in the barn. This makes Rudy mad so he mocks her as he stalks around searching for her, saying that Kira’s sure gonna be sad when Sarah’s dead. “Mommy?” he squeaks in a high falsetto, making me and my daughters laugh because we’re jerks, “Mommy? Where are you? Mommeeee I can’t find you.” Hahahahahaha I have no soul.

Just as Rudy finds Sarah and is about to carve up her face to match his, Mark wakes up and pulls rank, ordering him to cut it the hell out. Rudy caves, they hug, and then Mark implies that they should kill that loose end Sarah. The show ends with the dramatic music and closeups that shows do to act like the main character might die but nah, that won’t happen.