Orphan Black 3×05 – Scarred by Many Past Frustrations

5...4...3...2...1...Helena's shackled but they're idiots if they think that'll stop her

5…4…3…2…1 Helena’s shackled but they’re idiots if they think that’ll stop her

Previously: Ginger Gracie lost her baby and was banished from the Prolethians. Alison and Donnie met the drug boss with the worst hair in town. Helena gives up her chance to escape when she mercy kills a tortured male clone. As always, Helena is the best. Sarah finds the original DNA in a baby skeleton and is rewarded by Mark. Or is she?




Poor Helena is beaten, shackled, and laying on her cell floor. Pupok has no sympathy for her, especially when Helena finds a small nail and starts to cut her back as a release. Her back is a bloody winged mess again so I guess she’s been doing it a lot. Pupok leaves Helena’s cutting and scuttles over to the next cell where we find Sarah, also passed out on the floor. Well that was a dumb move by the soldiers.

Mother has the original baby’s skeleton and is eager to start extracting DNA to help find a cure for her boys. The baby never drew breath so I guess Bonnie also miscarried. Whatever, Bonnie. I’m not even gonna call you a hypocrite. Too easy.

Mother tells Rudy to get outta Dodge since Hot Paul (swoon) is coming back to base and man will he be pissed when he finds out that Rudy brought Sarah and threw her into a cell. Rudy has 48 hours to go enjoy himself. Rudy sneaks a kiss on Mother’s cheek and she gives him a small smile. I’ll admit that I’m having trouble remembering the boy clones names and telling them apart sometimes. It’s tough to have to act next to Tatiana; I feel for Ari, trying to keep up with her.

Sarah wakes up and starts calling for help. Helena, in the next cell because that’s a smart move by the military (?), is all oh hey there jerk seestra, thanks for making a deal with Mother and putting me here. Sarah has sads but is concerned for Helena.

“Give. Her. Nothing.” Pupok says from her perch on Helena’s knee. “Don’t worry Pupok,” Helena says, drawing her finger across her lips, ”I will sew my mouth shut.” Sarah can hear this and is all ?????

Ginger Gracie shows up at Art’s apartment. Apparently Sarah gave her his address and told her to go there if she ever got into any trouble. That was two days ago and yeah, she’s already in trouble. Cause Art is the worst and can’t deal with this shit he tries to wiggle out of helping her, saying that he’s taking her to a shelter. Gracie says she lost the baby. Art’s like, Ok well no shelter…I know who can help you, not me, I’m a COP, and takes her to Felix and Mrs. S. She’s their problem now. Great work as always, Art.

Cosima calls Felix as she waits for her hot date to show up. She’s at Bobby’s bar and YES, a rare Bobby sighting! I don’t think we’ve seen her since episode one? Yes? No? Either way, she looks terrific.

Bobbie needs a spinoff series where she fights crime and runs a bar as a cover and Helena is her bouncer and Pupok is Helena's sidekick and Felix is a go-go dancer.

Bobby needs a spinoff series where she fights crime and runs a bar as a cover and Helena is her bouncer and Pupok is Helena’s sidekick and Felix is a go-go dancer and Art is the tough as nails Police Chief who knows nothing.

Speaking of terrific, Felix’s lashes look amazeballs and I’m jealous. He tells Cosima to just spend 20 minutes to scout the date and see if there’s any chemistry. The date shows up and um yeah, a tree would have chemistry with this woman. Cheezus Crust, her date is gorgeous. Is her hat a little too much? Jury’s out on that one.

It's like a Forever 21 fashion ad but Shae is so unbelievably attractive that I'll allow it

It’s like a Forever 21 fashion ad but Ksenia Solo is so unbelievably attractive that I’ll allow it

Cosima looks fabulous and adorkable and a bit nervous. Shay is the date’s name and she is fun and charming and helps Cosima relax. So she’s pretty much perfect and I am suspicious.

I've never seen Cosima look better. Rrowr!

I’ve never seen Cosima look better. Rrowr!

Meanwhile, Helena keeps trying to pick her locked shackles with her tiny nail. Sarah admits to Helena that Mrs. S made the deal and a it was a bad decision but it was to protect Kira. Sarah asks what Helena would do to protect the baby inside her? You don’t wanna know, Sarah.

There’s a clanging noise and Helena starts to count down from five: someone’s unlocking doors. At the end of the countdown the door to the hallway opens. It’s the clone soldier and some other dude with a dinner plate for Helena and handcuffs for Sarah. I don’t know their names. Whatever. They’re a-holes. As she’s being led out Sarah calls to Helena that the male clones are their brothers. Worst brothers ever. Helena stares at her packet of butter and contemplates, then checks the bars on the small window on her door. One is a little loose. Helena then goes to a secret loose brick in her wall and hides another packet of butter in there. She has many packets. Helena is brilliant.

Sarah’s led to Mother and is pissed, asking her what she’s done to her sister Helena. Mother’s all, oh no worries, Helena’s been confined most of her life, she likes this. Mother sucks. Sarah is forced to give blood and is so not cool with any of it.

Art brings Ginger Gracie to Mrs. S’s. Felix is not pleased and well, rather mean to her. Mrs. S tells Art that Sarah hasn’t been heard from. Not since you left her alone, ART. To take the BUS back after she was done scouting hotels ALONE, Art. Yeah.

When Sarah’s tossed back into her cell, Helena tells her she doesn’t believe the boys are their brothers. Sarah throws Mother’s words at her, saying she’s ‘institutionalized’. Helena doesn’t know what that means so Sarah explains and, rather meanly says, “Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll make a nice little cage for your baby too.” Wow Sarah, that was a real jerk thing to say. “To a rat a small hole is like a door,” Helena says and Sarah knows Helena’s got a plan. Of course she does. Helena is AWESOME.

Mark is recovering from his gunshot wounds at the base. Mother finds out that Virgin Mark is virgin no more and gives him his first log book to record all his sexy sex times. She takes his wedding ring, telling him his relationship wasn’t real, Gracie isn’t one of them.

Poor Gracie. Felix still isn’t being very nice to her. She’s realized never done all the normal things young girls do, like smoked things or gone to a rock concert or skinny dipping. Um…ok. Those are pretty boring. Felix doesn’t care and gives her a box of Sarah’s old clothes to try on and tells her to shower.

Mrs. S comes up and is all kind to Gracie and bonds and spills secrets and Felix listens around the corner like we all do in soap operas or Three’s Company. Mrs S. was married young. Her husband was an angry drunk who got into a fight and was stabbed in the throat with some garden shears. Who wants to bet that person was Mrs. S? * raises hand * She also said they were going to have a family…so she had a baby? A secret baby? Stay tuned.

The outfit Ginger Gracie chooses is hilarious and ridiculous and hold up, that’s the outfit Sarah was wearing in episode one.

But what does it all mean, Basil??

But what does it all mean, Basil??

5…4…3…2…1…Hot Paul has arrived! “All you had to do was stay away,” he says. Is he talking to Sarah or me? I’d never stay away from you Paul. Never.

Sarah is pissed at Hot Paul and doesn’t care at all that he’s upset and worried for her. Best part is when Helena makes kissy sounds from her adjoining cell, “Hello Dirrrty Paul.” His face is hilarious. I mean, um, ashamed.

Hot Paul feels the burn of Helena's unspoken accusations and kissy noises

Hot Paul feels the burn of Helena’s unspoken accusations and kissy noises

Paul admits that it was either Helena or Sarah here and he made a call. He’s trying to help the male clones. This is his family and they’re doing whatever it takes to cure them. Helena points out that Parsons wasn’t really on board with being a human lab rat with his head cut open and he begged for death. She puts both arms outside the cell bars and makes a sharp neck break motion. “Maybe you’re next, Paul.”

Sarah joins in like a kid in the playground taunting a bully after he leaves. “YEAH PAUL! Maybe you’re next!!!” These twins are amazing. Please be friends again.

Mother is doing some shifty computer work and quickly closes her laptop when Paul comes to see her. Hot Paul is not pleased that they have Sarah. The whole point of getting Helena was to keep Sarah out of this. Mother smooth talks blah blah no harm to Sarah, save lives, we have to do this, Parson knew that. SECRETS.

Cosima takes Shay back to her place and gets a lovely massage. Cosima is unsure whether she wants Shay to go or stay. Um look at her, Cosmia, tell her to stay! Shay kindly says she will leave, making Cosima blurt out about her relationship with Delphine. She tells Shay that she’s “way more” than she expected. They kiss whoo hoo! Cosima deserves someone to treat her right. Hopefully Shay won’t weep after their first lovemaking like Delphine. Oh and P.S. someone was taking pictures of them back at Bobby’s bar, so they’re being watched. Probably DYAD. Stupid DYAD.

Delphine who?

Delphine who?

Sarah thinks they’re in Mexico and opens her heart about what a shitty Mom she was. It works. Helena asks her to help her escape.

Ginger Gracie is going to a club to drink Mai Tais! Instead Felix and S talk her into hanging out with them for dance lessons and gin and juice. Gracie eagerly drinks up and gets down.

Felix shows them how it's done

Felix shows them how it’s done

Sarah refuses to give her food tray through the door and picks a fight so soldier clone and whatshisface come in to get it. She gets a punch in the face and a trip to the infirmary for her trouble, which is just what she wanted. When they bring her back she’s got a pair of medical tweezers in her mouth. Suckers!

Sarah uses the drawstring from her pants, tying the tweezers to it and tossing it over to Helena, timing it so the cameras don’t see. Helena picks her shackles, greases up with her secret butter supply, and then uses the shackles to break the loose bar in her door. It’s a tiny spot but she manages to squeeze through and jump up the opposite wall to break the surveillance camera. When ole whatshisname shows up to check out what’s up, Helena runs up behind him and pushes, making him fall into a protruding spike on the wall, right in the brain. He’s so dead.

Sarah is shocked by this but even moreso when Helena abandons her and escapes alone. Poor Sarah! She’s freaking right out as she’s left behind.

Sarah doesn't even have a Pupok to keep her company

Sarah doesn’t even have a Pupok to keep her company

Helena does all sorts of parkour Spiderman moves to climb walls. She grabs a canteen for good measure. As she’s about to jump over the wall she pauses. Her heart is breaking for her seestra. Pupok tells her to think of her baby and to run, Forrest run! Helena doesn’t want to leave Sarah but the alarms go off. Her escape has been discovered! She runs.

Hot Paul is suspicious of Mother. He goes and looks at dead Parsons. Paul’s beautiful face is troubled. He looks at the horrible torture chair Parsons was in and his beautiful face is pensive. He opens Parson’s log book with his beautiful hands and reads with his beautiful eyes. Hot Paul is rethinking this whole army thing, even if they did make him a Major. Major hottie, that is.

Felix and Mrs S show Ginger Gracie how to dance. They’re having a wonderful time until Gracie collapses in pain, clutching her stomach. Is she having complications from the miscarriage? Is there a second baby in there? Maybe Hendrik implanted like, 9 babies so she’d be cooler than Octomom. But no, it’s not that. As the paramedics come and look her over we cut to Art, who’s gone to visit the woman that was almost in the unwanted threeway with Seth and Rudy. She’s been sick and shows him her bloody eyes. Guess who else has bloody eyes? Yeah, that’s right, it’s Ginger Gracie. Always wear your raincoat, people. STDs are a bitch.