Orphan Black 3×06 – Certain Agony of the Battlefield

I always called you Hot Paul and I always will

I always called you Hot Paul and I always will

PREVIOUSLY: Sarah and Helena join forces to escape but Helena leaves Sarah behind. Sarah has sads to be abandoned by her sestra. Cosima starts dating gorgeous Shay. Bobby makes an appearance! Ginger Gracie finds herself new clothes, gin and juice and a mysterious illness. Hot Paul gets suspicious of Mother and uses his beautiful eyes to look for clues.

Well, if you’ve read my recaps you know how I’m feeling. Let’s just do it I guess.


Sarah’s still in her cell and she’s sick, guys. Really sick. She has a fever dream where she follows Kira through the camp and finds herself hooked up to nasty ole Rudy…Seth…dammit why can’t I keep those two straight in my head. Rudy. It’s Scarface Rudy and he’s pumping his bloody via intravenous into a sleeping Sarah and is it just me or is this weirdly sexual?

It's not me

It’s not me

Sarah watches as Rudy reaches over to her unconscious self and picks up her hand. He brings it to his mouth, stroking her arm, and slowly licks her knuckles. Sarah wakes, jolting up, and promptly vomits on her cell floor. Yeah, that sounds like the right reaction.

Hot Paul meets up with a guy. Some guy. His superior? Someone above Mother anyways. Hot Paul shows the guy the STD sex logbooks and the guy is concerned, calling it ‘twisted’.

Oh look, it’s Skype time. Remember when the clones used to do this? Felix, Mrs. S and Kira chat about stupid Iceland. This is just a way to make Felix decide that something has to be done to find Sarah, cause Mrs. S’s ‘people’ aren’t getting the job done. “Every time you say ‘your people’, I picture nine squatters around a tire,” Felix tells her and I laugh and laugh. More importantly, Felix has a new haircut that I didn’t mention last week. I like. Gracie is still there, roaming around aimlessly and bringing people tea to have a sense of purpose. Now that’s the saddest thing I’ve sever seen.

Looks like Shay and Cosima are hot and heavy seeing as how Cosima spent the night at her place and is naked and the two of them are all googley eyes and kissy. Shay asks who Sarah is, claiming that Cosima said her name in her sleep. Cosima gets all freaked out and finally stumbles that Sarah is like her sister. Why don’t you just say she IS your sister? That way if she ever sees her it’ll be like, yeah, ok, twin. Whatever. More kissing. C’mon Cosima, think.

Donnie and Alison are high on life and power. They’re in very married couple underwear, on their bed, dancing wildly and throwing money around.



Donnie is covered in some sort of chunky glitter, probably from Alison’s crafting room. This scene is magical, but I must say that as I was trying to find the perfect moment to screencap I found myself gasping at this shot with Donnie’s underwear peek.

I will admit to going carefully screen by screen to see if there was a total peek inside the underwear. I AM A BAD PERSON

I will admit to going carefully frame by frame to see if there was a total peek inside the underwear. I REGRET NOTHING

What do you call that? I mean, girls have nip slips so guys could have dick slips, right? I wish this was a dick slip because I am a terrible person. I’m not objectifying you, I’m just appreciating you, Donnie, you lovely lovely little hottie moron.

Anyhoos, Donnie wins best lines of the episode when he runs to the bedroom door to stop Gemma from coming inside and seeing all this debauchery. “Don’t look! We’re changing!” HOWEVER, the best line happens after he gets all playful sexy with Alison and tells her ‘your man’ is ‘savage jealous’ of that douchebag drug boss with the ridiculous hair. Alison mmms and teasingly puts a finger on the front of his briefs, asking him, “Are your underpants tear-away, mister?”

“No, but the elastic’s wearing out, soooo….” Donnie replies throatily. Alison mmms some more, gives him a teasing kiss and leaves. Donnie grins a little and who’s got the hots back in their bedroom? That’s right, it’s Alison and Donnie Hendrix!

Cosima finally shows up for work and finds Delphine waiting inside the lab. Delphine’s full of scoldings. She’s mad Cosima didn’t tell Topside about Sarah missing or the Castor brain (way to run the tissue through the lab, dummies), and wants to know why they’re studying Ginger Gracie. Cosima stays quiet so Delphine shows them something that Cosima and Scott both missed in their research: Gracie and Death Seth’s brain both have the same unique protein. Well, Delphine just showed those two just exactly who’s the smartest person in the room.

Hot Paul shows up at Castor base and is super pissed off to find a very sick, feverish, and shaking Sarah. He gives her water and tells her to trust him, he’s trying to get her out. When he refuses to get her to a car so she can drive herself out (whaaat that won’t work) Sarah cries out that he’s the worst of them because she doesn’t even know where he stands. What? Sarah, come on. Hot Paul loves you. He’s always been on your side. I’d never doubt you, Paul.

Mother comes into the room and shrugs that Sarah’s just having a bad reaction to an anti inflammatory she administered last night. Wtf? That’s just insulting. That’s like cutting someone’s arm off and explaining that you’re just having an allergic reaction to that nailpolish from your manicure.

Sarah calls bullshit and tries to take Paul’s hand. He pulls away, not wanting Mother to see him caring. I cry inside. When Sarah victoriously spits out that Helena got away, Mother tells her that either the desert or Rudy will get her. HA. You don’t know Helena, bitches.

Speaking of Helena, she’s stumble-running through the desert as Rudy drives around and searches. When Helena collapses in the sand Pupok creeps up and tells her to get up. Pupok accuses her of regretting leaving Sarah behind and asks if her sister is more important than her baby. Helena tells Pupok no, she’s lying here because she’s hungry and picks the scorpion up and EATS PUPOK. Pupok makes the funniest sounds as Helena eats her and I giggle. SO MUCH METAPHOR.

Paul talks to the one soldier doctor that he can trust. The doctor tells him that things changed in the months Paul was gone. I guess he’s talking about when Paul was being Beth’s monitor and later monitoring Sarah. Sarah’s vagina, that is. Rowr. Anyways, Rudy brought one of his sex friends to Mother because she was sick and things changed. Sounds like that’s when Mother figured out the boys had magical STD powers.

Delphine and Cosima wait by the elevators; Felix is bringing Gracie in for tests. Delphine fishes for personal updates from Cosima, mentioning that she’s heard Cosima’s been missing work and coming in late. Delphine fake concern-asks if she’s been sick but Cosima replies that she feels great. SO great. So, so so great. Damn, it feels great to get laid great. Delphine pretends that she’s happy to hear that she hasn’t been sick and asks if there’s anything she needs to know. Cosima tells her no. Yikes, this scene.

Felix and Ginger Gracie show up. Gracie goes for tests with Delphine and Cosima while Felix pulls Scott aside and asks him to take him to Rachel. This should end well.

Hot Paul and Mark meet up. They talk briefly about meeting up long ago in the bar when Helena was dancing with Truck Driver Jesse. I’ll never forget you Jesse! Mark tells Paul that he was forced to bring Sarah in to save her from being terminated by Rudy. He also confesses that he fell in love with Gracie. Awwwww. Hot Paul and Mark join forces.

Alison has Drug Boss’s money plus more plus a nice little bag that she probably made herself plus a thank you note saying she wants continued prosperity. No. No no no. I am not liking this drug dealer ex flame from high school flirting that’s happening here. Note the use of an old pet name and the heart in her name. The hell, Alison?



Donnie drives up in a brand new flashy car and he’s pumped up by his new purchase and acting like a complete moron and I’m torn between laughter and annoyance at his stupidity. Alison isn’t torn, she’s just plain annoyed, pointing out that they’re supposed to keep a low profile, not put down ten grand in cash for a new car. Don’t be conspicuous, Donnie! Donnie is completely clueless, “Cars aren’t conspicuous, Alison, they’re like everywhere!” OH DONNIE HAHAHAHAHA.


Drug Boss is all, you’re not ready for the next level. He says they need a front. No worries, Alison wants to buy her Mother’s fancy soap shop and use that as a front.

Mark helps Hot Paul find out what Mother’s up to. The STD makes women sterile. That means Gracie’s sterile now too. Mark is sad. Gracie is relieved.

Sarah’s still sick. She’s received two units of Rudy’s blood. Mother is monitoring her when Hot Paul storms in and places her under arrest. The soldier clone wants to stop him but Mother waves him down and they’re both arrested. The doctor guards Sarah as Hot Paul leads Mother away. Sarah starts having another fever dream.

A young Leda clone leads Sarah to Beth. In the background, video and audio footage of Beth and Paul’s home movies are playing. It’s exciting to see Beth, hearing her talk and walk and be alive. Beth is still so very sad and Sarah is still so very guilty for talking over her life. Sarah wants to finish what Beth started but doesn’t know what to do. Beth finally tells her to start asking who, not why.

 Tragic Beth, Guilty Sarah

Tragic Beth, Guilty Sarah

Hot Paul calls his contact from earlier and is told to wait for the extraction team which should arrive in six hours. “Hang in there!” the contact says in a chipper voice and that, my friends, is when I knew. No. No no no no. Oh god noooooo.

Scott and Felix sneak into Rachel’s room. She’s doing some therapy painting. This is an ugly scene and it makes me sad. I know I shouldn’t really feel sorry for Rachel but I always have in a way. She’s always shoved her emotions down and swallowed them whole and it made her kinda crazy. To see her damaged and humiliated by Felix hurts. Felix is desperate for information about the Castor base and Sarah and he abuses Rachel, drawing on her eye wrap bandage, making her wheelchair knock things over, grabbing her chin and screaming in her face that no one will help her because no one cares. Ouch, harsh. Rachel is defiant at first but finally breaks down and weeps. She stutters at Felix, asking him to get her out of there.

Rachel cries more as Felix storms out. Scott stops to pick up Rachel’s paintings and notices the strange symbols she’s drawn on it. He takes one and leaves Rachel to her sadness. :’(

Back at the lab, Delphine wears her heart on her sleeve and confesses to Cosima that she misses her. Cosima’s adorable lip quivers but she leaves without saying a word. :’(

Someone (I KNOW IT’S YOU, CONTACT GUY THAT PAUL TRUSTS) calls Rudy to tell him what’s happening on base. Rudy gets even more crazy looking and heads back with his driver.

Cosima goes to tell Shay they should slow things down a little but changes her mind the moment Shay opens the door cause seriously, have you seen Shay? HOT. Their makeout time is interrupted by Scott, who tells her that the symbols Rachel is painting are from the codes written in her Dad’s book The Island of Dr. Moreau. She knows the code! Looks like they’re gonna break her out after all in the near future.

Hot Paul fills Sarah in about the sterilization plan Mother and her STD bandits were doing. He reassures her that she hasn’t shown any of the signs the other women did, despite the Rudy blood transfusion she was given. Duh, that’s cause Sarah and Helena are invincible. Sarah isn’t really listening and instead blurts out, “Did you love Beth?” Hot Paul doesn’t answer but says he will carry what happened to Beth forever. He was looking for a cure for the boys. Stupid Castor clones. Except for Mark and maybe Parsons the male clones are pretty big assholes.

Mother is impressed to see Sarah has recovered when she barges into her office where she’s under arrest. Sarah asks her why she’s doing the sterilization and Mother tells her it’s a weapon. It could end a war in a generation. Blah blah blah, Mother.

Rudy and his driver sneak back into base and Rudy begins killing everyone, starting with the soldier guarding the other clone that I never named. Miller. His name is Miller and he’s also an asshole so whatever.

Mark warns Hot Paul and Sarah that Rudy is back and that he was tipped off. Hot Paul calls his contact and even though the contact plays it cool Paul knows he was betrayed. Paul orders Mark back to his quarters and tells him to say he never saw Paul. Mark wants Paul to make this right.

Paul and Sarah are sneaking about when they see Miller. Paul breaks Miller’s neck, but not before Miller stabs Paul. Stabs him. Stabs. Paul. STABS PAUL THREE TIMES. >:(

Paul slides to the ground and looks dazed. Not as dazed as I am. I know what’s coming. I knew it the moment he spoke to his contact. DO NOT WANT, WRITERS. Why do you hate me? :'(

Sarah runs over and helps him up. Hot Paul doesn’t look good. The music starts playing tragic sounds as Paul tells her, “This way, through here, through here,” and opens a small gate in the wall. He fools her into going first and then locks it behind her. The tunnel leads to the garage where she can take a jeep to freedom. She’s shocked and tells him she’s not leaving without him. She begs him to open the gate. He slowly turns back to her.

“It was never Beth I loved,” he says, and leaves. NO. NO PAUL. :'( :'( :'(

More tragic music. I am sad. So sad. I don’t even want to see this.

Mother is freed by Rudy and they find Paul sitting in her office, clutching a blood soaked towel to his side. Paul’s eyes are filled with tears as he asks her if Rudy knows what he did to the women he slept with. Rudy nastily says he knows everything and raises his gun but Mother waves him off.

“Your devotion to my boys was pure, Paul,” she says, softly. Paul wants her to find the cure but stop the weapon project. This enrages Mother and she shoots him, over and over and over and over and over.



He’s still not dead though, cause he’s badass. The hand clutching the towel to his side falls and the grenade he was holding drops to the ground. Paul gives one last defiant glower as Mother and Rudy panic and run.

Patented Hot Paul Glower

Patented Hot Paul Glower

Sarah sits by the gate, waiting for Paul to come back. Finally she gives up and leaves. The blast knocks her out for a moment but no worries, Helena drop down from a hole in the ceiling to help her up. She came back for her sestra.

Rachel sits in her wheelchair and paints her symbols as she looks at a picture of herself as a child, sitting with her father. She weeps and weeps. I weep and weep too. HOT PAAAAAAUL NOOOOOO

I’M SO SAD YOU GUYS. :’( :’( :’( x a million billion katrillion zillion.

Well, this was a heroic sendoff for Hot Paul. He was a hero to Sarah even when she didn’t see it and always protected and loved her. Dylan Bruce is a talented actor who can portray so much emotion without moving a facial muscle and I will miss him like crazy.



You know, in episode one, Paul tells Sarah (when he still thinks she’s Beth) that things aren’t working out so great between them and he’s going to Coady’s. Mother is Dr. Coady.

Mind. Blown.