Orphan Black 4.5 – Human Raw Material

Tatiana and Kristian are comedy gold. Gold, Jerry, GOLD!

Tatiana and Kristian are comedy gold. Gold, Jerry, GOLD!

Previously! Sarah didn’t want Ferdinand’s frittata, MK built bombs and stole Ferdiand’s money and peaced out, Helena peaced out, Donnie jizzed in a cup, no one checked Kira for maggotbots STILL.

Krystal Goderitch is back you guys! She’s totally taking self-defense classes you guys! She’s been working out you guys! She’s going to be prepared for the next time someone tries to victimize her you guys! She’s going to get to the bottom of things you guys! And she’ll still tell everyone around her everything she knows about everything she’s found out with intermanet searches you guys! She’s a warrior now!!

Jesus H Christ Tatiana is cut

Jesus H Christ Tatiana is cut


Sarah is determined to spend a whole day with Kira for motherly daughterly bonding no matter what. Sarah has her hair in a side braid which is a new look for her and is supposed to echo Mrs. S’s hair and therefore be maternal.

Anyways, the two of them are painting a mural and having fun when Sarah receives a text from Helena: “Don’t worry about me sestra”, it says and I scoff. We all know Sarah won’t worry about you, Helena, so don’t you worry about Sarah worrying. Not only has she not once come to see you since she’s gotten back, she doesn’t even know you’re gone. Kira hears the text and is sad because she thinks Sarah has to go already. Sarah is dedicated to this Day of FUN and is staying. Of course Sarah doesn’t even bother to reply to the text even though she has no idea why Helena is telling her not to worry because ugggggggghhhhh I’m so not happy with this.

Alison has sent over some research and made a beautiful, easy to read, soothingly coloured, lovely flow chart of how companies and people are connected: Neolution, Brightborn, DYAD, Dr. Leekie, Evie Cho, Topside etc etc, they’re all there with helpful arrows. Sarah, using her eyeballs, sees that Geneconnexion, the company that Fee used to find his sister, is part of Brightborn, which is where Evie Cho works, who was at DYAD and is a Neolutionist…Sarah, uses her brain and is like, aha! I knew that Fee’s loser sister is a fake and Mrs. S is all NO DROP IT, it’s probably just a coincidence, and I literally made this face:

Are you effing kidding me, S? A coincidence? There's not enough wtf in the world right now wtf wtf wtf


Cosima finds out that Brightborn is having an exclusive orientation today. Well, how handy! Since Sarah is busy bonding with Kira and Cosima sees how busy Alison is and Cosima is like all science-smart, Cosima volunteers to go down with Donnie as his surrogate mother. Because…Donnie is posing as a gay couple with Fee and they need a surrogate and they need to find out what’s going on down there and man not only is this whole thing getting complicated, it’s also stupid for a clone to go to the place where they have people that worked for DYAD and will recognize them. Even I can see that. Just have Donnie and Felix go. But no, this is the plan they go with.

Sarah and Kira go to visit Felix in his loft to invite him for dinner. Best line of many this episode:

Kira: Is that a rocket ship? Fee: You can call it that. I’ve met men who do.

Kira: Is that a rocket ship?
Fee: You can call it that. I’ve met men who do.

Sarah tells Fee about his loser sister being part of the whole clone thing with the company Geneconnexion but he thinks Sarah’s just acting like a jerk and the sister walks in and still has coke on her nose and Sarah is honestly jealous of Fee’s real sister and I’m still tired of this whole storyline.

Cosima and Donnie go to the orientation. Donnie doesn’t like his outfit “I look like a geriatric skateboarder” but Cosima looks hot and those shoes I must find for myself. I love them. Inside, Cosima and Donnie sign non disclosure agreements and Cosima asks for a copy because she is smart. The receptionist informs them it’s a special day because Evie Cho herself is here today and Cosima is all oh oh and I’m all duh.

Evie walks into the room and starts talking about how great the program is. She has an x scar on her cheek that wasn’t there before but no one ever addresses this?

No scar here? Where'd the scar come from, Evie? HUH? WHERE?

No scar here? Where’d the scar come from, Evie? HUH? WHERE?

She tells a story about how she was a sick child with an auto immune disease and was basically bubble boy but then bio-engineering saved her therefore Brightborn is good so give us your extra embryos. I may be summarizing there but it’s what I do, it’s a gift really.

Sarah is moping around the loft while Fee’s stupid sister Adele teaches Kira ballet. Kira spills the beans that she was in Iceland with her granny and Adele thought Fee’s family was Irish and clues? Sarah snitches hair from a brush and glasses from mimosas to give to Scott so he can do a DNA test and then she’s all, byeee gotta go continue Kira’s Day of Fun.

Evie finishes her presentation, the other doctor comes in, and the group splits in two for tours of the insanely expensive Brightborn facility. This is the perfect time for Cosima, a clone that probably someone in this place probably knows about and will probably recognize, to go sneak around and investigate because she is a scientist and smart or so the writers keep telling us.

Krystal shows up to insanely expensive Brightborn facility cause she wants a baby. Evie Cho sees her and almost craps herself. Evie thinks Krystal is Sarah and tells Susan Duncan (who in the building with Ira because of course they all are) that Sarah the missing clone is here.

Susan and Ira are in town to clean up Ferdinand’s mess at the dentist’s office with the assistant and the slit throat. There is an unacceptable lack of Ferdinand in this episode, which I do not agree with. 0/10

Donnie is looking at a Brightborn baby and he so badly wants a baby of his own. The mother lets him hold the baby. He’s so happy until Krystal comes into the room and coos over the baby, making him stare at her with his mouth open in shock. “Um…I have to go…shit” he stumbles, to the general disgust of the room.

Back at the police station, that guy, the union guy that is involved with the maggotbot plot and was threatening Beth you know who I mean, he’s there. He shows Art Alison’s election flyer and is all, wow sure is weird how much this Alison person looks like Beth, isn’t it, don’t you think that’s weird and suspicious huh? Art puts on his best constipated face and disagrees.

Naw, doesn't remind me of Beth at all.

Naw, doesn’t remind me of Beth at all.

Turns out the guy is on to Alison and Donnie’s entire drug selling scheme through the store Bubbles and Art is like whaaaaat but plays it cool. He calls Sarah and is pretty mad about this whole turn of events. I don’t blame him. He could get in real trouble for helping drug dealers, not matter how awesome they may be.

Sarah tries to find out more about Kira’s dreams. Kira hums and haws throughout the episode until finally at the end she tells her mom that she ‘feels’ the other clones. Feels their feelings. Rachel is the angriest. Helena is lonely. (Ah yes, Helena, remember her?) So she’s like, clairvoyant or something and also there’s that thing about how she may or may not have a bot type thing in her but NO ONE IS LOOKING ugghhhhgghghhghg.

Sarah calls Alison and they fight over who is the worst person for trying to sell drugs. Sounds like they’re even to me. Alison mentions that Helena is missing, along with some camping equipment. Sarah wants to know where she is and Alison is all, I dunno, you dumped her here 3 months ago! Fair enough. They hang up on each other and call each other a bitch. Clone fighting FTW.

Susan Duncan goes looking for Kystal, that Evie thinks is Sarah, but finds Cosima, are you keeping up? They’re in the huge, gorgeous, windowed swimming pool in the insanely expensive Brightborn facility. They talk and Cosmia thinks Susan doesn’t know who she really is and manages to steal Susan’s keycard.

Felix brings Adele to the safehouse for the dinner invite and what the actual fuck are you kidding me? Sarah is understandably furious. What I don’t get is why Mrs. S keeps trying to keep the peace here. Felix is clearly in the wrong. Just because someone may or may not be a relative doesn’t mean they’re good people. You don’t KNOW HER. You don’t bring someone you just met to THE SAFEHOUSE where your family, including your little niece, is hiding. Eff this entire storyline. By the end of the episode, Sarah gets a call about the DNA test results and Scott tells her Adele is Fee’s biological sister. Sarah is crushed and cries. Kira soothes her. Fee is being a jerk. Adele is the worst. The only character worse than Adele is Transgender Tony.

Hi, I'm the new clone. I should be interesting but I kinda come across as gimmicky. I make Josie cry. We need more Helena.


Cosima tells Donnie to get rid of Krystal so she doesn’t ruin everything. That’s Cosima’s job, you guys! Donnie sees Krystal sipping on her iced coffee and stealing beauty products in the spa/massage area of this insanely expensive Brightborn facility and poses as an employee to try to get info out of her. Krystal wants a massage for her stiff neck so Donnie, pretending his name is ‘Ronnie’ (hahahahahahahahahaha) goes behind the counter and fake types on the computer to ‘find’ an open appointment and wouldn’t you know it, he’s open right now.

Donnie is the best of the best of the best

Donnie is the best of the best of the best

‘Ronnie’ finds an open room and this scene you guys. Tatiana acts the hell out of this character. Krystal isn’t my fave but I love how Tatiana holds her lips so it looks like she has lip injections, how she walks, even how she holds her iced coffee. It’s perfection.

Susan Duncan tells Evie that she was wrong about seeing Sarah Manning, that was Cosima. Evie is like, huh? Evie doesn’t think Cosima should just be roaming around and looking into things either so they all agree to bring Cosima in. You know where this is going, right?

‘Ronnie’ starts to massage Krystal, who immediately spills all she knows. “Can I trust you?” she asks, and then tells him she’s investigating Brightborn and DYAD and that she thinks they’re conducting human experiments….through cosmetics. So close, Krystal. She thinks she’s a target and says how that ‘French doctor’ helped her. ‘Ronnie’ slips up and asks if she means Delphine, freaking out Krystal, then tries to soothe her by saying her own name, freaking her out even more. Krystal uses her self-defence moves, kicking him in the junk and then, hilariously, judo-chops Donnie in the neck. Donnie goes down hard.

As Krystal tries to leave, she bumps into the evil female EMT that was sent by Susan Duncan to find Cosima. Evil EMT thinks she is Cosima and grabs her. Krystal’s self-defence moves don’t help her this time and she gets locked into another room. Krystal talks into the security camera, apologizing for stealing the spa toiletries, dumping them all on the table. “I just came here to, like, have a baby” she says, tearfully, and I wonder how much of her act is an act. Susan, Ira and Evie watch on the security monitors. “Evie. That’s Krystal Goderitch” Susan says, disgusted and I feel for Evie. It’s a comedy of errors!

Cosima finds a linen closet with scrubs and changes into them to do more sneaking. She’s finds a maternity ward with birthing happening, and other pregnant women hanging around. There’s some kind of study going on and these are all poor, impoverished type women that are getting paid for being human lab rats.

Cosima gets dragged into the room with the screaming woman giving birth and holds her hand as the baby is born. The baby has a ton of facial defects and the other doctor is all, oh damn this sucks.

No gonna be pictured on the new Brightborn info packets

No gonna be pictured on the new Brightborn info packets

They take the baby away and Susan Duncan comes in and introduces herself.

Cosima is upset about all of this, duh. Susan tries to convince her that is for the greater good and unlocking the human genome. “We’re your Onocmice!” Cosima says, and all the Orphan Black recappers use Google at once, crashing the intermanent. Susan says if Cosima shares the original’s genome then they can unlock the cure and heal Cosima so she won’t dieeeee. Poor Cosima. The struggle is real.

The episode ends with Ira swimming in the huge, gorgeous, windowed swimming pool in the insanely expensive Brightborn facility. Susan Duncan joins him, walking very seductively. She is so excited to be close to the original, so close that she starts making out with Ira and it doesn’t look like this is the first time. This reminds me of Dr. Leekie and Delphine.



Yuck. But the real issue I have with this is: who the hell kisses like that? Looks uncomfortable.

*SMOOOOOCH* "Ouch my back."

“Ouch my back.”

Hey, remember Shay? I guess she moved back to Winnipeg.