Orphan Black 4.9 – The Mitigation of Competition

Prim and Proper meet Loud and Messy.

Prim and Proper work with Loud and Messy. And it’s awesome.

Previously: Donnie went to jail and was being threatened by a murderous Neolutionist inmate. Alison was being blackmailed by Duko to betray her fellow sestras. Cosima joined forces with Susan to fine a cure once and for all. Duko forgot to wear his Earmuff of Evil and was killed by S.

SO SO SO sorry about the late recap. It’s been a struggle to balance my exciting life with all the travel and beautiful people and yacht parties and professional recapper stuff. Ok, all of that is a lie. It’s just work work work and lame boring yawn stuff. XXX OOO


Rachel is still seeing visions. They’re getting more complex and that old dude is in them again. He’s trying to tell her something, but what? What is it? The visions show that the old man and his camp are on the same island in the Great White North, and they seem to like to chop the heads off of swans. That’s it so far! Thanks for the message, I guess, old guy.

Ira and Rachel watch Evie Cho on TV. She’s being interviewed by George Stroumboulopoulos and I don’t even need to make a joke about his last name cause it’s just too fantastic on it’s own anyway. This guy has come a long way from being a Much Music VJ with typical 90’s facial hair and a cool spike.

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Evie comes across as a hero, building a new Brightborn facility in her old, poor, rundown town of Tinsdale to restart the crumbled economy. Rachel admires this, knowing it’s a clever move. Don’t worry, Rachel has a clever move or two of her own as well.

Sarah and Felix show up at the hotel to talk to Rachel and Ira and they are as punk as punk can be. They are punking so hard, you guys. Felix’s eyeshadow is ON POINT. He looks so good. The juxtaposition between the two sets of siblings couldn’t be more obvious and it’s just the best. Frankly, Fee and Sarah kinda come across as a bunch of idiots to me in this scene. I get that they have zero reason to trust Ira and Rachel, and that they don’t like them but it’s just ridiculous. Rachel must be shaking her head that these two clowns have managed to get as far and do as much as they have. In the immortal words of Spike:

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Felix is especially annoyed that they have to work with the Uptight Twins. He calls Rachel’s plan ‘half-baked’ and when Ira jumps in to defend, Fee shuts him down. Hahaha, Ira’s face! Always with the prissy faces.

Ira's offended faces never fail to amuse

Ira’s offended faces never fail to amuse

Two women have escaped the Brightborn facility, and they are the key to exposing Evie Cho’s evil plan to change baby DNA for evil stuff! Sarah and Fee take off to find them, shutting out Rachel and Ira, because they hate them so so so so so much.

Meanwhile, Evie Cho has been sent a rather incriminating video of the two Brightborn doctors giving the baby we saw born a lethal injection. Evie Cho literally says, “Oh no.” Hahahahahaahahahahahaha. Oh no indeed.

She wants the two women found so they send our favourite Evil EMTs out on the job. Damn those two are so evil!

Donnie gets out of prison and is horny as hell. “Daddy needs his conjugal, baby!” Oh god but Donnie makes me laugh. Alison is not into it due to her complete and utter crisis of faith, and besides, Adele (UGH) is coming down to talk lawyer stuff. Donnie is his usual caring self, asking how she’s doing and then teasing her that once Adele leaves he’s going to make her see God. This makes Alison grin and he’s in! Until, that is, he gives her a plastic bag. “Hold my undies. They’re dirty!”

Cosima is on the secret island and doing crazy science but not the sexy kind. Well, she is fertilizing Sarah’s eggs with Ira’s sperm, so it’s kinda sexy? Susan guides her through the process cause if there’s one thing Susan knows about it’s how to manipulate Ira’s sperm! Ahahahahahahahahahaha I make joke.

Cosima is feeling worn down from the trip. Susan tells her to lie down and rest and gives her some simple reading material: The Book of Neolution. Cosima is into it. I’m like, ugh boring.

Art gets a tip about two women that checked into a women’s shelter, but when he and Sarah show up it’s too late; the pregnant one is dead and the other missing. The crooked cop that arrested Donnie is there and he doesn’t look suspicious at all. AT ALL. He asks Art if he’s seen Duko and Art puts on his patented constipated expression and plays it all casual. Nope, haven’t seen him. Crooked Cop doesn’t believe it for a second.

As Sarah waits for Art in the car she gets a call from Helena. She acts all relieved and worried about her, asking why Helena never answered her clone phone. You know, writers, all it would’ve taken was one or two moments in the last few episodes where Sarah or Cosima or Alison could say, “I’ve been trying to phone Helena but her phone is off, I’m worried, I hope she’s ok blah blah blahbiddy blah.” Instead, this sounds false. Whatever.

Helena is fine, she’s living in a forest, drying fish and killing deer and making fox hats, and has built a shelter. I want to like this because Helena is my favourite but I don’t like it. It’s laaaaame.

Helena figures out that things are not going well and that Donnie and Alison are in trouble even though Sarah doesn’t want her to worry and tells her to keep heself and the babies safe. Helena is still the best.

Sarah sees Trina, the ex-Neolutionist that used to be pregnant with a Brightborn baby, keep up now, come out of the women’s shelter and runs over to talk to her. Trina is crying, and says that the dead woman was staged to look like a suicide. She had just called Trina to come pick her up so there’s no way she would just go hang herself. Muuurderrrr!

She tells Sarah that the other missing woman, Kendra, probably went to hide in her old family home in the crap town of Tinsdale. Sarah and Art go to detective up a storm.

Donnie, Alison and Fee sit with Adele to talk legal talk. Adele is chugging her glass of wine because she has issues, you guys, in case that wasn’t clear. Felix announces that there are two cops watching the house. Adele remarks that Duko sure has a hard on for the Hendrix case and Alison lets it slip that oh, it’s not Duko. Adele may be a drugged up drunken annoying weirdo but she’s not dumb and asks how Alison knows that.

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Felix tries to cover that Duko is on leave, which makes it worse because how would Fee know that? Adele asks if there’s something going on with Duko and they pause….No. No, no, nothing. Felix ushers Adele out of the house. Yay, now Donnie can sex up Alison!

Evie’s maggot bot implant is in and it’s working perfectly. Her shingles are cleared. I wonder what else it’s going to do?

Rachel and Ira call Sarah for an update. They want to help and have info about Kendra’s other 4 year old son. Sarah’s like, nope, don’t need your help, we’re on it, GTFO, and hangs up but Team Uptight is too clever for that. They’ve traced her cellphone to Tisdale and they have a plan.

Charlotte comes to hang out with Cosima. They look at The Book of Evolution together and Charlotte shows Cosima a drawing of the island they’re on and shows her that they’re in the middle. Clues!

Adele and Fee are hanging in his apartment. Adele is taking pills and drinking martinis so it’s just another normal lunch for her. Things get messy though cause who should show up but Helena! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: buy a lock, Felix! Anyone can just walk in! You have enemies! Real ones!

Adele gets upset with this whole people that look just like Sarah thing and she obviously has questions but she’s the worst so whatever. It all ends with Felix telling Adele that she needs to go back home to protect herself from all this mess. Sad music plays and I’m supposed to feel bad that Felix is losing his only blood family but nope, not feeling it. I’m glad. Good riddance. Hopefully that’s the end of this storyline and we can file her along with Transgender Tony under Characters That We Never Need to See Again. Seriously though, never bring either one back.

*sad trombone noise*

*sad trombone noise*

Donnie and Alison are having teh sex, and Donnie wants her to call him a bad man who runs the cellblock. OMG Donnie, I love you so much.

Immediately after Donnie climaxes Alison asks him to pray with her and he gives her the side-eye when she says they haven’t been very good people. LOL

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She’s struggling, guys. Everyone stares at her in the grocery store and she needs to get away! She wants to hide for a while so they pack their bags and plan to pick up the kids from Grandma’s to go to Niagara for a while. Sweet, Niagara! Canada has the best side of the falls.

Art and Sarah manage to find Kendra hiding out in her old home. Kendra is terrified that Brightborn will find her and her Brightborn baby and she shows them the video of the doctors euthanizing the poor deformed newborn. Since Kendra’s baby was born with weird blind eyes, she’s convinced they will kill him too. Fair enough! Kendal is too scared to go public with what she knows. They could kill her other son too. Also fair enough!

Sarah calls Rachel and updates her. Rachel wants to do what it takes to get Kendra to come forward but Sarah refuses to threaten Kendra and hangs up. Rachel calls Ira, who’s waiting in a car outside the house, and tells him to carry out their plan. OOOOOH.

Sarah and Art realize someone is coming into the house. Kendra run to get her baby and is called on the landline phone by Rachel, who threatens Kendra’s older son. Kendra is told to get into the car with Ira and drive away with him. Scared that they will hurt her son, she does. Team Uptight for the win!

Guess who was really coming into the house to get Kendra? Some guy and the female Evil EMT. Art and Sarah catch them. Sarah’s all, hey where’s your usual partner and the Evil EMT is all, why you miss his pretty, evil face? Ha. Yeah, he’s pretty cool with being all evil. Anyways, Sarah runs outside just in time to see Ira drive off with Kendra. Sarah is NOT PLEASED.

Alison and Donnie pack for their hideaway trip. Luckily the cops staking out the house are gone and there’s only an ambulance there now! That’s not good, guys! They think it’s safe to leave but guess what, it’s the Evil EMT Guy, and he’s gonna introduce himself by holding a scalpel to Donnie’s throat! Rude!

Sidenote: Driving an ambulance isn’t inconspicuous at alllll. Everyone looks when an ambulance shows up.

Donnie is all tied up on the floor and Alison gets her hands tied behind her back. Evil EMT Guy has a glitchy and dangerous as hell maggot bot, a first generation that has messed up lots of people, and he’s gonna put it in Alison’s mouth unless she tells him where Duko is. Alison has the heart of a lion and she won’t tell. He forces her mouth open. “I love you Donnie,” she says, bravely. <3<3<3

She starts to pray loudly about all the bad things she’s done like turning her back on her community and sinning and stuff. Psssshhhhh, I’m not a community person. I make it a priority not to get friendly with my neighbours. What if I don’t like them and they keep coming over? Remember the neighbourhood lunch that Donnie and Alison threw when Donnie was all tied up in the craft room? Remember how awful the people were? Case. Closed. (P.S. Remember Hot Paul???? Xxx ooo)

Just as EMT Guy is about to shove the horrid maggot into her mouth, the door is kicked open! Guess who it is? It’s Helena, of course, with her trusty bow and arrow she uses to kill deer. EMT makes a move for his gun and Helena doesn’t hesitate; she shoots him right through the neck. Nice job!

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Let’s take a moment to once again appreciate Tatiana Maslany’s acting with this comparison of Alison’s face and Sarah’s face when they are both terrified. I LOVE HER.



Art and Sarah burst into Ira and Rachel’s hotel, demanding to know where Rachel is. Ira defends Rachel, saying it’s not what it looks like. I love it when people say that!

Rachel goes to talk with Evie, all full of blackmail and smugness. She wants a seat at the Neolution table, and in return she won’t show that rather awkward euthanizing video and she’ll keep Kendra and her blind baby hidden. It looks like she’s throwing everyone else under the bus too, Ira, her mother, her fellow sister clones, everyone is worthless as long as she gets the power she wants. It looks like Rachel has turned evil again…but wait!

As Evie agrees to all her terms and turns to attend her Brightborn press conference, Rachel asks her one simple question: Oh hey, so, um, why’d you go and kill all these deformed babies instead of simply treating them with all your technology, just curious, no reason, don’t be suspicious or anything?

As Evie turns back to answer, we see that she’s being filmed through the tiny camera in Rachel’s necklace. Clever girl! Art, Sarah and Ira watch as it records on Ira’s computer. Ira is going to upload it to every major news network. This does not look good for Evie!

So of course Evie, the resident moron, apparently dumbbb (triple b’s cause that’s how dumb this move is) enough to confess the worst thing ever to her mortal enemy that’s blackmailing her, turns back and incriminates herself and Brightborn in one fell swoop. She’s all, Oh man, we can’t even have one yucky baby alive cause, ew, gross, they didn’t work properly and then Brightborn research would’ve been, like, totally stopped and all my hard work would’ve been for nothing, I mean really, it was just the nice thing to do to them, duh.

Rachel smiles her cold, cold smile as Evie goes and starts her little press conference. Soon enough, all the reporters get the videos of the euthanizing and Evie’s pro-baby-experiment–murder statement. The place goes nuts and Evie is completely stunned. Ohhhh, her face as she realizes it’s all over! Over!

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Meanwhile, back on the secret science island, a beautiful woman with beautiful hair is sitting with her beautiful back to us, working at a desk. Someone walks to her and puts a hand on her beautiful shoulder. She slowly turns to reveal her beautiful face. DELPHINE!!!!!

"Guess who's back, bitches!"

“Guess who’s back, bitches!”