Previously! Donnie got out of jail, Adele left 4EvR, Helena saved the Hendrixes, Evie got tricked by Rachel the Tricky Bitch.
It’s the season ender you guys! AND WHAT AN ENDER! Let’s do this thing!
Flashback! We finally get to see who shot Jr! I mean, Delphine.
Delphine gets out of her car and walks in the parkade. Her boots are just fantastic and I want them. Ok, focus, people! Anyways, as she walks, Krystal hides behind a car and watches her. We don’t find out how or why she’s doing any of this???
Anyways, Delphine turns to see her killer and it’s Duko. He’s not wearing his earmuffs but he’s still evil enough to shoot Delphine in her stomach. Duko? That seemed both obvious and a like a let down. Meh.
Krystal’s phone rings and it distracts Duko long enough for a van to pull up and rescue Delphine. It’s Evie Cho’s doctor friend. They grab Delphine and send her to the island and save her. Ok! We’re all caught up!
Back in real time on the island, Cosima is thrilled that her experiment is a success! The cure is made! Everyone will get cured! Susan Duncan is happy too, and leaves the room to definitely not do anything like double-cross the clones!
Cosima cluelessly Skypes Sarah and S to tell them the great news and doesn’t even get slightly suspicious when a message pops up on her computer. “Oh, nothing, I’m just being denied access to the database” is literally what Cosima says just before her Skype call cuts off due to the internet suddenly also going down. Cosima doesn’t think anything is wrong. Meanwhile, Sarah and S immediately figure out they’ve just gotten friggen hosed. Think Cosima, think!
Krystal sees Evie Cho’s doctor on CNN and calls Fee. She will only tell him her scoop on Delphine and Dr. Van Lier if he meets up with her and tells her what’s really going on. Fee agrees.
Sarah calls Rachel, asking what’s going on with Susan and the island going dark. Rachel says that the internet is spotty out there. Ok…Sarah also finds out that Susan Duncan isn’t on the top of the Neolution chain like they thought she could be after Evie Cho’s fall from grace. Dr. Van Lier is definitely more involved than just being Evie’s family doctor.
Cosima is getting sicker and sicker. Her nose keeps bleeding and she’s still very weak. Will she get to use the cure in time?
Knock knock! Someone has come to visit Rachel at her hotel. OMG it’s Ferdinand and he’s brought her a frittata. TRUE LOVE YOU GUYS.
The Brightborn panel is having a board meeting with Evie Cho. Evie’s all, hey no worries about that euthanization thing, just a minor setback, people will forget about it really soon I’m sure! Brightborn isn’t ON BOARD (see what I did there?) and hands her a new contract to sign pretty much saying that Evie sucks and Brightborn is really nice. Evie throws a complete and utterly childish tantrum and refuses to sign. She flings the contract across the table at the board members, who look completely BORED (see what I did there?) at her antics. Evie shouts that they would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for Susan Duncan and those meddling clones! Her trusted childhood doctor steps up to her with a small device and holds it to her face, setting off her implant.
“You built it. Let it take you,” Dr. Van Lier tells her. As Evie twitches and dies, the board members leave. Another successful work meeting!
Donnie and Alison are hiding out with Helena in the woods. Alison has ‘the shits’ as Helena delicately puts it, probably from Helena’s innards stew. S calls them to give an update on what’s happening. Helena wants to kill something but alas, is told to hold tight. She sighs, sad about not killing.
Back to what’s really important: Ferdinand and Rachel in the hotel room! Ferdinand doesn’t want to talk about Neolutionists cause he hates them. He wants to play. Rachel isn’t feeling it though; ever since her accident she hasn’t felt much of anything. Ferdinand looks at her and does a total Spike head tilt, and yes, I am really enjoying the similarities. SUE ME. And please, please tell me you watched Buffy. Spuffy 4evrrr.
Anyways, Ferdinand knows just how to snap her out of it: “Your eye is magnificent. But your self pity is repugnant!” This earns him a slap in the face and a cane in the balls, much to his delight. YES.
Krystal comes to the comic book shop to meet up with Fee and it’s everything I hoped for and more. Fee is dressed like some sort of British spy, Krystal is annoying and funny, and they finally let her into the loop and show her the secret lab in the basement.
SO MANY GREAT MOMENTS HERE.
The first person Krystal sees in the secret lab is Art and she shamelessly flirts with him, saying he looks nice and not at all constipated. It’s true, Art has been working out. He looks verra nice indeed. Art’s all, thanks but I’ve already dipped my wick into a clone candle, if you know what I mean, sure, maybe not as much as Hot Paul but I’ve had a taste, ya know?
This bit is only topped by the meeting of Sarah and Krystal. Finally! Krystal will finally find out why all the strange things have happened to her! Everyone, including me, waited for the big reaction when Sarah introduces herself as Sarah, her clone, but…it never came. Krystal was all, “Right. This is what you all think I look like?”
Art: Pretty much.
After dissing Sarah’s hair and calling her a 7 on a good day compared to her own 10, Krystal sits down and educates them on what’s really going on:
Krystal: This is about human experiments, and two factions fighting to control them.
Art: Shit, that’s right.
Krystal then continues to be all Krystal and says Estee Lauter is involved and the ‘Swedish company’ called Neolution. They let her believe that is also correct, and she continues, telling them about Dr. Van Lier, who is totally Neolution, showing up right after Delphine was shot, and rescuing her. When Sarah asks if she means that Van Lier was the person that saved Delphine, Krystal pauses and looks at her in confusion. “I’m sorry, who are you again?” Lulz
Back to Rachel. She’s playing with Ferdinand and telling him that controlling evolution is the ultimate power. Ferdinand, as you will recall, is NOT into Neolutionism AT ALL. But it’s still sexy times so Rachel starts to choke him with her cane, commanding him to converrrrrt to Neolutionism. I’m pretty sure that Ferdinand is having the best day of his life right now.
They’re interrupted by Ira, who bursts in just like an annoying little brother, proclaiming that he has news!
Ira is taken aback at the sight of his sister straddling Ferdinand and choking him. Best exchange between characters, ever? I AM DYING WITH JOY.
Ok, back to Cosima. She finds Susan in Rachel’s old room, speaking with Rachel on the phone. Susan is thrilled about the successful science-ing they’ve done cause now they can start making clones again! Cosima is sad face. She tells Susan she is making a mistake and feels used. Aw. Oh, and then she lets Susan walk to the door and lock her in the room. Think Cosima! Think!
Rachel is scheming. She has plans. Neolution plans. She calls Dr. Van Lier.
Ok guys. This next scene is amazing. Dr. Van Lier is outside his office and answering questions from reporters. Krystal walks up, waving her phone in the air like it’s a microphone or recorder, and yells, “Are you a Neolutionist? What does Neolution have to say about deformed babies?” When Dr. Van Lier pretends he doesn’t know her and asks who she is she says, “I’M TMZ!” Ahahahahaha
She also asks him about the attempted murder of Dr. Delphine Cormier, prompting all the other reporters to start asking who Delphine is and what’s Neolution, so Dr. VL scrams. Krystal follows and I notice that for the first time her hair looks fake. I think that the show has stumbled for the first time with hair and makeup but nope! Silly me! That’s not Krystal, it’s Sarah doing what she does best! YES I LOVE IT.
Oh, one more golden moment in this scene:
Anyways, Sarah tricks Van Lier her truck where Mrs. S is waiting with her interrogation gun. Lucky for him it wasn’t her interrogation rifle.
He spills the beans on why he saved Delphine after Evie had her shot: because he was told to and he does what he’s told. Oh, and this is about human cloning now, Rachel has pushed Susan out of power and has called the Neolution board for a meeting.
Oh god this is so confusing. Rachel goes to speak with the board and it looks like she’s in the same basement room and standing at the same long desk table and speaking with the same jerks that Evie did.
Felix and Art go back to Rachel’s hotel room, only to find Ira, fully clothed and sitting on the bed, arms tied up like Ferdinand’s were. “This isn’t what it looks like.”
Meanwhile, Rachel is like, so evil you guys. She proposes that Neolution does the cloning AND uses Evie’s bots on clones. She calls them farm animals. Rachel, noooo, how can you do this to me I love you so much :’(
Rachel talks about operating in countries where cloning isn’t illegal, where clones have no rights, where they can own them completely and do whatever the hell they want to them. Rude!
Sarah comes to Felix’s to tell Ira that he and Susan have been screwed over by Rachel. They’re out; she’s in. Ira is concerned for Susan even though she is a terrible, terrible girlfriend. He agrees to help Sarah by calling another helicopter to take Sarah to the island so she can get Cosima and the cure to safety.
Rachel gets to the island house, pissed off that no one came to help her. She’s surprised to bump into none other than the creepy old dude from her visions! He tells her that Susan is in the kitchen and warns her not to waiver. Then he leaves. Creepy creeper is a creep. Apparently he’s called The Messenger.
Susan knows what Rachel has done and warns her it’s a mistake. Susan has the gall to say Rachel is betraying her sisters. Shut it, Susan.
Charlotte lets Cosima out of the room and tells her that Susan told them to go to the boat to escape. Cosima is on board to GTFO but has to do something first.
Rachel and Susan keep arguing. Rachel is still mad about that whole Susan abandoning her and making her think she was dead with no Mother or Father thing. One time, my mom made me wear a really fancy dress with a matching shawl to a guy friend’s gymnastic competition so I think I know how she feels.
Charlotte and Cosima peek around the corner as the mother and daughter say awful things to each other. Susan praises Sarah and Cosima and straight up tells Rachel that she regrets making her. Harsh, mom!
Rachel is v. hurt by that. V. hurt indeed. She has tears in her eyes and turns away from Susan, clutching the kitchen counter in distress. Her Neo-eye flashes a vision of the severed swan head again, swan blood dripping down the white counter. Oh oh!
Rachel knows what she has to do. She’s always said that she makes the tough decisions. She’s been shown what to do from the start with the visions. The Messenger himself told her not to wavier. This is bad you guys.
Rachel grabs a knife and stabs Susan in the stomach and blood spills on Susan’s shoes. No worries, I’m sure some Polysporin and a band-aid or two will fix that right up.
Cosima and Charlotte get the hell out of the house and make their way to the boat as instructed, except neither of them know where the damn boat even is and they promptly get lost in the woods. Cosima is getting weaker by the moment, coughing red, red blood into the white snow. So much red blood on white things! Exhausted, they sit against a tree to rest. “Don’t fall asleep,” Cosima says and they both fall asleep. SIGH.
Sarah has arrived by helicopter and she sneaks into the house. She sees a trail of blood and follows it to the lab where a very bloody Susan lays on the floor with a first aid kit, trying to bandage herself up. See? I was right.
She helps Susan into a chair but what she should’ve done was duck when Rachel came out swinging. Rachel beats the hell out of Sarah, smashing her in the face and back with her heavy cane. Sarah falls to the ground and puts a hand out defensively but Rachel swings again and breaks her wrist. Susan manages to trip Rachel but Rachel finds the knife that fell and stabs Sarah in the thigh. This is not going well for Sarah and I’m thinking that Rachel might still be a little annoyed about that whole pencil in the eye thing.
But seriously you guys, this scene is brutal and realistic and horrifying. I actually wondered if they were going to kill off Sarah for a moment. I mean, she’s not doing so good here and the violence is truly awful and realistic.
Susan manages to find a gun (???? What the hell, where did that come from???) (EDIT: Sarah brought it and dropped it. Totes forgot, thanks for the reminder Char!) and demands Rachel stops. Rachel knows she won’t shoot her and takes the gun away. The distraction give Sarah just enough time to limp away before Rachel turns and shoots at her. She just misses.
Cosima and Charlotte are found in the woods by The Messenger. He brings them to his camp and to Delphine! Cosima and Delphine are finally back together! It’s v. sweet and loving and we all smile as one throughout the world.
Everyone in the universe gets even happier when they bring Cosima into Delphine’s tent to treat her and Delphine realizes she has hypothermia so she shoos everyone out of the room and strips to get into bed with Cosima and warm her.
Cosima tells Delphine she thinks she’s dying but we all know there’s no way they’ll kill the awesome gay couple. Let’s all learn from the writers of BTVS’s mistakes, right?
Susan wakes up to find herself somewhat bandaged. Rachel tells her about the visons in her eye and Susan tells her it’s Mr. Neolution himself! He’s still alive! And he’s really old! Rachel locks Susan in her old room and leaves. Now who’s the bitch, bitch???
Delphine tells Cosima they aren’t safe in the camp. She is thrilled to find out Cosima was successful making the cure AND Cosima managed to snag from Susan before she left. Delphine warns her not to tell anyone they have it.
Sarah, still outside in the cold island, is doing just terribly. She calls Mrs. S for help but before Mrs. S can say anything, her phone is taken away from her. Oh no! It’s Ferdinand and he’s holding a gun to Mrs. S AND Kira. Sarah weeps.
Rachel, still in the house, pours a celebratory glass of wine and Skypes the boardroom, telling them she has the cure. Congratulations are in order, along with a visit from Dr. P.T. Westmoreland. Goddammit, I do not look forward to typing that name a hundred times next season.
The doorbell rings and Rachel smiles a happy, truly happy, smile.
What an ending! I honestly forgot that this was the season finale and was all, holy crap I can’t wait till next week….wait, what, oh nooooo. Orphan Black never ends on cliffhangers (hahaha sarcasm) so this is a big deal for me. I’m only thinking of myself here, you guys. Me and my pain as I wait till the next, and finale, season. Season five will be a heartbreaker. 10 more episodes till it all ends! </3