[Previously!] Jon was reborn through the Army-Vag, Sansa took care of business, Bolton died a fitting death, Dany and Yara eye-boned like the world wasn’t coming to an end, Cersei creeped closer to losing her gott-damn mind, and Arya got out of her promise to the House of Black and White. I think. Yeah? Yeah.
AND NOW… [crams fists against mouth] JUST CLICK. (Remember: I AM UNSULLIED. NO BOOK TALK. I have also been waterboarded by Cersei’s wine glass it seems…)
The city of King’s Landing prepares for Loras’ trial. It’s gorgeously somber as all the players adorn themselves, then it cuts to Loras shivering in his own filth in his cell. Tommen doesn’t seem keen on going to the proceedings. Grand Maester Cat Piss gets a whispered message just before the trial, and I assume this will only screw things up in the end. By the way, FrankenMountain puts a stop to Tommen leaving his chambers. This… will be important.
Loras gives his confession for being gay and sundry other things, says he’ll renounce his title and name, never marry or have children if only to be forgiven. Cult Pope pets him like a good dog, then nods for the acolytes to carve a star in his head. Gah. Margaery’s long-con better be a good one. (CUE MY CRYING.)
Cersei doesn’t appear interested in going to her own trial and pours out some wine. Hahaha, that would be me, too. Lancel sees a Little Bird taking off from the Sept and goes to follow him into the bowels of the city, and Maester Cat Piss ends up meeting with Qyburn and a knife-wielding Little Bird. Several, in fact.
“Sometimes before we can usher in the new, the old must be put to rest.”
Fagin (Qyburn) watches with a bit of a smile as the most AMAZING MURDER EVER HAPPENS: a dozen children stab Cat Piss to death and it’s glorious. THEN! WAIT! Cue the Bach in D Minor for the organ because Lancel gets it next! And Lancel is in the cache of Wildfire, too, oho ho! It’s under the Sept! He has a torch burning and I really want Margaery to slip out of the building. She figured out why Cersei isn’t there and tries to explain this to Cult Pope, who scoffs. OF COURSE HE DOES. Margaery gets an arm around her brother, the crowd panics, and the acolytes block anyone from leaving.
HOLY SHIT. Holy fucking hell.
Wildfire? More like unholy hellfire as it ruptures forth, spewing up in a geyser of death right in the center of the Sept, obliterating everyone in there.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. OH MARGAERY!!! ALL MY CRIES, NO THIS IS TERRIBLE. I mean, yay for Cult Pope being gone, but christ.
QUEEN MARGAERY. D:
One saving grace: the smug smile on Cersei’s face as she watches the opposite side of the city crumble into green flame, imploding. She sips her wine, and I guess we don’t have to worry about radioactive fallout in this world? Tommen looks like he’s going to throw up. I don’t blame him. But oh, Cersei’s just getting warmed up, it seems. Nun Ratchet is chained up in the cellar. Cersei waterboards her with some Bota Box Zinfandel (don’t waste the good stuff on people who won’t appreciate it, after all) demanding her confession.
HA. Turnabout = fair play.
“I do things because they feel good. I drink because it feels good.” Cersei dropping truth bombs like she’s my own personal Tony Robbins, not going to lie. “No thought has ever given me greater joy.”
Damn, Cersei. You are on. A Roll.
OH BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE. SO MUCH MORE. She calls in Franken Mountain, who removes his helmet. “Your gods have forsaken you. This is your god now,” she tells a quivering Nun Ratchet after explaining, ha, oh, Nun Ratchet won’t die today! That won’t happen for weeks and weeks! She sarcastically calls out “Shame, shame,” as she leaves FrankenMountain to his dirty work.
Tommen watches the city crumble from his window, and I thought to myself, “He’s going to jump out of the fucking window.” YEP. Yep. Guys? Shit is hitting the gee damn fan. Oh my god. Tommen removes his crown, walks up to the window and swan dives like he’s Buffy, but there’s no Hellmouth being closed. The whole city is a Hellmouth, and built by his mother’s hand and even her last remaining child isn’t plug enough to stopper it.
Jesus. There’s an opener for you. THIS WAS THE OPENING.
But now we head to The Twins and Lord Frey. Last time we spent time in his hall, everything was terrible. Pregnant women were stabbed, DIrewolves beheaded, and Catelyn Stark’s anguish war cry as she slit her enemies neck was quickly drowned by the sound of her death gurgle.
If it weren’t for Bronn’s bon mots to Jamie Lannister at the dinner table, I wouldn’t be able to recover from all the stuff before.
Potential famous last words, courtesy of Lord Walder Argus Filch Frey: “This came together rather well.”
Frey is well into his cups, beaming like he just caught all the students out of bed and they all lost 500 points to their houses. He fancies himself Jaime’s equal (“We’re both Kingslayers”) and that people fearing them–
Jaime: They don’t fear the Frey’s though.
Frey: What was that?
Jaime: They don’t fear you. Why would they? They fear my family’s power. So are you going to make a habit of losing things and calling me and my family to save you? God, this is going to become tedious…
Frey: [Price is Right losing noise on repeat in his head]
Cersei makes Qyburn show her Tommen’s body, then says to burn him, burying the ashes under the rubble of the Sept. DAMN. Yep, she’s lost it wholly. What is there for her to live for now? Make another baby with Jaime?? Does that wine taste like ashes in your mouth, Cersei? Asking for a friend.
Meanwhile, Sam, Gilly and Baby Morsel make it to the Citadel, and again, Bethesda loves these books, and the show loves Elder Scrolls, and it’s all so marvelous. The receptionist at the Citadel is the pissiest shit, and you know this jerk has a side quest offering to steal some Special Ingredients from someone in a neighboring town, the type of quest that negatively affects your relationship with the NPCs and turns you into a Vampire, locking you out of the main quest. I DON’T TRUST HIM.
Sam gets a day pass to the library until this is all sorted out, and he’s like a kid in a candy store. Or a Belle in a library. *cough*
It’s so freaking beautiful in there…. Knowledge! Learning! History! And Sam can read ANYTHING THERE! [single perfect tear rolls down my cheek]
In Winterfell (Stark banner!!) Jon reminisces with Fire Crotch Mage just as Ser Davos comes storming in, tossing the carved stag at her like a hot set of keys. SHIT. IS GOING. DOWN. Davos demands she tell Jon the story about Little Newt, aka, Princess Shireen Baratheon. Well, short of it: she burned a wee sweet child to death because the Lord of Light told her to.
“If he commands you to burn little children, your Lord is evil.” SAY IT AGAIN FOR THE EXTREMISTS IN THE BACK. [clapback emojis]
I just want to say that Ser Davos huffing in a breath as he sobs and yells about loving little Newt like she was his own is breaking my heart? How do I have heart left? BUT I DO AND IT HURTS. SHE WAS A GOOD. He loved her!!
“How many died because you were wrong?” he asks, and it’s a damn fine question. He also wants permission to kill her for murder. But she’s pretty sure the LoL (hahaha, never over the pun that acronym makes) isn’t done with her yet.
OH. ARE YOU SURE? No chance you could be… wrong?
Jon tells her to leave. If she comes back, she’ll be hanged. Hmm. I’m surprised, actually — the show has pulled no punches so far, you know? Sansa joins him in watching her leave, and Jon admits that he’s alive because of Sansa and her thinking. She apologizes for not telling him about Lord Aryyn, but let me say this again: no one had any regard for Sansa and what she knew. No one included her in planning the battle. No one gave this girl any credit, not from the start. That goes for many fans, too. But she won that battle. She did. And Jon knows it.
They also both know they have to trust each other now, so no more secrets. I love it. LOVE IT.
And that white bird we saw when they had the wide shot of Winterfell was a raven, we learn. A white raven from the Citadel, and it’s official: Winter is no longer coming, it’s here. Ned got something right…
OH HEY, PALATE CLEANSER in the form of Lady Olenna (oh my god, don’t think about her finding out about Margaery, just don’t) sassing the gee damn Sand Snakes for speaking instead of shutting their yaps. Olenna is there to talk to Whatshername, Martell’s side piece who murdered Prince Doran, and didn’t come to hear young upstarts smart off, thanks ever so. But the woman whose name escapes me as I’m watching/writing has a treat for Olenna: MOTHER TRUCKING VARYS, WHAT!?
THAT is where Varys went!?
Down in Meereen, Dany tells Daario that he’ll babysit Meereen with the Second Sons to keep the city on the right path while she wages war. He just wants to be with her, though, but his first mistake is thinking a person in her power can keep a lover for sentimental reasons (just ask Tyrion how that turned out). Son, she has alliances to make, jollies to get off, and a world to conquer. SORRY, DAARIO.
(And somewhere, a slowly dying Jorah Mormont feels his heart grow lighter and doesn’t know why… YEAH, SHE CRIED OVER JORAH LEAVING HER SIDE, DAARIO. [picks at nails] Just saying.)
I do love that she renames “Slaver’s Bay” to “Bay of Dragons.” And that Tyrion praises her for her action. The whole conversation with Tyrion and Dany about belief and the future is touching and funny, and I love that if Dany can’t have Jorah, she has Tyrion. She officially names him Hand of the Queen, and it wasn’t his by default or in jest, but because Dany values him. Lump in my throat…
How about some whiplash, because we’re back at the Twins where Walder Frey is eating his four-and-twenty blackbirds baked in a pie and being gross to the serving woman, demanding his sons join him.
“Oh, but they’re here, m’lord.” She points to the pie, of which he’s already eaten a large portion. Here. “They weren’t easy to carve,” she says. “Especially Black Walder.”
AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I LOSE MY DAMN MIND BECAUSE IT ISN’T A SERVING WOMAN IT IS FUCKING ARYA GEE DAMN STARK UNDER A FACE AND SHE SAYS HER NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA, HE KILLED HER MOTHER AND BROTHER, AND TO PREPARE TO DIE.
THIS IS HAPPENING.
THIS IS REAL. SHE GIVES HIS NECK THE CATELYN STARK TREATMENT and smiles as he dies.
Guys. Is this happening? This is happening. THIS IS HAPPENING!?
Littlefinger finds Sansa at the Godswood tree and gives her the “WWSD” (What would Sansa Do?) pick up line to make her realize that he’s earned her love, because that’s how it works. Right? …right? This d-bag believes he will win the Iron Throne and her love, and he’s a freaking lunatic. She makes sure he knows she isn’t picking up what he’s putting down. Good girl.
At another Godswood tree (which is bleeding) is Bran and Meera, Uncle Benjen can’t come with them beyond the Wall because of the magic carved in the Wall’s foundation. But can Bran? Will that mean the Night King will be able to go past the Wall if Bran does, too?
Bran Wargs into the tree to find out the rest of the Ned story at the Tower of Joy. Ned finds his sister Lyanna, covered in blood. What’s happened? Did they cut a baby out of her? Tortured her?
Young Ned: How you doing, little mama?
Lyanna: Let me whisper in your ear…
(Not even sorry for that. YOU TAKE THESE MOMENTS WHEN THEY COME.)
She whispers something to Ned that we can’t hear, but she says for Ned to protect Robert from “finding out”, making him promise. Ned’s the man who will keep a promise. And then a baby is handed to Ned, and is this baby Jon? Is this!?
YEP. WE CALLED IT, GUYS. WE CALLED IT. Jon is Lyanna’s son.
Jon, meanwhile, is trying to get everyone in Winterfell on the same page. Convincing people that the Boogeyman is real is going to be a challenge. But hey, no big, because weetiny fierce-nugget Lady Mormont throws hard core shade to all the Lords who refused the call to stand with the Starks against the Boltons, and I couldn’t love this kid more if I tried.
Sansa beaming at her as she calls out all of these a-holes, saying, “I don’t care if he’s a bastard. Ned Stark’s blood runs through his veins. He’s my king from this day to his last day,” and YEP, THERE GOES MY TEAR TRIGGER ONCE MORE.
Even better, all these old crotchety Lords say she’s right and they’ll stand with Jon. They call him White Wolf and the King in the North. This is amazing. THIS IS WONDERFUL. EVERYTHING IS COMING UP MILLHOUSE, I MEAN JON SNOW. Suck it, Littlefinger. SUCK ON IT.
Sansa, however, wisely keeps an eye on Baelish, because someone needs to. Put a bell on that fucker, ASAP.
Jaime and the Lannisters arrive back at a smoking and partially ruined King’s Landing, just in time for Tommen’s funeral, I guess? No, not the funeral (well, in a manner of speaking) but to witness Cersei becoming Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.
Wow. Whoa. Qyburn, her Hand and Maester, crowns her and she sits, bitter, on the throne. She sees Jaime as the crowd chants, “Long may she reign.” Yeah, I don’t think it’s for long.
Not with Yara and Theon getting ready to set sail with their armada. And damn, their ships are bad ass with dragons and kraken intermingled., Dany on the lead ship as her babies fly overhead. AHHHHH, IT’S ALL SO MARVELOUS I CAN’T STAND IT.
GUYS I AM DYING. This is so freaking amazing, everything is. EVERYTHING. I will hear not one negative word. NONE. AHHH, LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE IN MY HAPPINESS.
THIS IS HOW YOU DO A SEASON FINALE. I can’t stop capslocking. Well, I just did. OKAY NO NOPE IT’S BACK.
Dear sweet little eight pound baby Jesus. Lord, I ask of thee to give Jon the North from Winterfell on, let Dany have the southern lands, and let them both come together to destroy the White Walkers. May Lady Mormont grow all the more fierce, may Brienne fall in love with Tormund, may Tyrion find himself sparring with people from the Citadel with love of wine, and maybe Littlefinger be slowly digested in the belly of a Sarlaac. Amen.
NO BOOK TALK. NONE. ZIP. Show only. Go!
(And if I may, a few of you have offered to donate to a patreon—what on earth??–to fund me reading the books when the show finally ends, and did you know that you can DONATE RIGHT NOW to keep the site going? Because that’s always been a thing. Just saying. Hahaha. Ahem. [points to the right])
HOW ABOUT THAT SHOW ENDER, EH?! And now comes the long wait until next season…