Previously! Everything sucked for the clones (except for Rachel, she’s like on top of the world and all it took was stabbing her unloving Mother!) and I was confused because all the bad guys keep dying and I don’t know what faction is what or who!
Welcome back, Clone Club! Who knows what this, the final season, will bring us? Will our eternally constipated Detective Art Bell finally smile? Will ginger Gracie show up and be useful by maybe using her ginger anger and trying to smother that Westmoreland guy? Will we ever see Gemma and Oscar again or will they forever be ‘visiting Grandma’? Will Sarah Stubbs jump into a scene and sing a line or two from ‘Pippin’? Will our favourite college student/drug dealer Ramone show up on the island with some underground penicillin for Sarah? Cause she could really use some right now. Will Hot Paul make a deus ex machina and show up with tears in his eyes and kill like all the bad guys and then sweep me into his arms and oh wait. Right. Recap.
Sarah, still on the island and badly hurt after Rachel kicked her clone ass and tried to kill her, calls Fee to tell him that Kira has been kidnapped YET AGAIN. I mean come on. She’s practically Carl. Caaaaaarl. Has anyone seen Carl? Fee is worried about Sarah but Sarah brushes it off, more worried about the rest of the family. Her phone goes dead.
Sarah, always resourceful, starts a fire with her last match, using a picture of Kira to get the flame burning. She cleverly uses a tampon to stop her leg wound and wait hold up, who carries pictures anymore?
Anyway, she falls asleep but wakes up on account of getting attacked by some genetic monster man who runs off when she clobbers him in the head with a rock. Ugh I really can’t be bothered with a new mystery right now, especially this kind.
Sarah hobbles around for a while, trying to find the village and Cosima. She’s chased by village bad guys and their sniff dog but they give up the search when they see a wolf that has obviously been gutted and eaten by the monster man. The leader is like, byeeeeee, good luck with all that, clone. We don’t see the genetic monster man again so I guess the village bad guy tracking leader jumped the gun on that one.
Cosima wakes up, alone. She finds a note by Delphine: “Whatever happens, follow my lead!” Not sure what lead she’s talking about as she’s about to be taken away forever but ok, we’ll follow what we can, Delphine.
A new girl comes in with stupid pigtails and introduces herself, “My name is Mud!” I frown. She’s chipper and annoying and here to show Cosima the island colony Revival, where they are almost self-sufficient and I’m sorry I just don’t care you guys. I don’t care about this island that is a total cult/experiment. I don’t need more mystery. Cosima, however, is intrigued to find out that P.T. Westmoreland is in the big house on the hill and Rachel is meeting with him. Cosima will always be drawn to stupid science and make bad decisions. Cosima, remember yesterday, when you were all, here’s all the research, Susan Duncan, hmmmm…hey I’ve lost internet and communications with my family, oh well? Maybe keep that in mind. She won’t you guys. She won’t.
Fee goes to the safehouse to confirm that Mrs. S and Kira are yet again kidnapped. They are. Art shows up and Fee jumps out, ready to fight. “OH MY GOD Arthur, I almost hit you with a pan!” he shouts. “Yeah well I almost shot you, so we’re even,” Art replies. I would’ve made the line, “Yeah well I almost shot you with a gun!”
Donnie and Alison and Helena are still in the woods, ugh no. Terrible storyline. Fee calls and tells them to stay safe and sit tight. Alison disagrees and tells Donnie to start packing. The sisters need them.
Art gets a new, tall, tough partner. She is, of course, a bad guy and mean and not at all nice and with Neolution. For real though, she’s like 7 foot tall.
Fee asks Scott and Hell Wizard for help since Ira doesn’t want to say much about the island on account of being a little bitch. Scott suggests finding Mika for help with a rescue.
Tall Bad Partner threatens Art for clone info, showing him a picture of his little girl with the implication that they’ll probably kill her. Art keeps his face blank/constipated like the badass he is. This guy won’t crack! Nice try, Tall Bad Partner!
Back in the woods, Alison is promptly kidnapped by whoever Neolution sent. Donnie cowers behind a tree and lets it happen, then goes to find Helena for help. Oh, Donnie!
Donnie runs to the hidden car and uncovers it. Hold up. If they’re hiding in some national park, and literally living in a hut and trapping animals and stuff, how far is the car? I know they showed Donnie running past a national park sign and therefore it’s implied that he ran all the way from their campsite with his pull-luggage but the campsite had to be far from the entrance but the car had to be far enough from the parking lot to be hidden with a tarp…and…? Seriously hate this storyline.
Donnie is about to get in the car (????) but a Neolution guy runs up with a gun. Helena jumps him and they fight and Helena’s stomach is injured by falling on a stick. The babies!
Fee is also taken by some new cool bad guy. Cool bad guy says there’s only one faction now and I’m like, ok what’s it called now?
Alison is driven in a van to the side of a road where Art and Tall Bad Partner and other bad guys are waiting. TBP wants to know where Helena is but Alison plays dumb until TBP punches Art in the kidney and puts her gun to his head. Alison insists she doesn’t know where Helena is besides in the woods, and doesn’t know her back-up plan. TBP believes her and tells the bad guys to take Alison home.
Delphine gets 10 minutes to say goodbye to Cosima before she’s forced to go to Sardinia for research. She tells Cosima the science is real. The island is a decades long experiment. Delphine gives Cosima the key to the little hospital yurt and whispers that her cure is hidden in the back of the fridge. They kiss goodbye and Delphine is gone, probably forever. :’(
Music plays over speakers in the village and everyone gets all a-twitter. P.T. has an announcement! They all gather as Rachel walks down the steps to make a speech on P.T.’s behalf. She’s very serene and peaceful after meeting with P.T. and I don’t like it one bit. Where has my angry little Rachel gone?
That night, Cosima sneaks out of her yurt window and goes to find her cure in the mini hospital/doctor’s office. Sarah also sneaks in, ready to take Cosima to the boathouse and rescue her. Cosima sees that Sarah is hurt and gives her some Tylenol or something and asks her to help cure her from, you know, dying, by giving her the needle in her uterine wall. Sarah’s all, no way, let’s get Charlotte and get to safety and THEN you can be treated, who cares about stupid ole P.T. Westmoreland. Cosima, always the one making terrible decisions, says that she cares, she like super cares and is staying. Think Cosima, think!
Instead of not arguing and, I don’t know, giving Cosima the needle, they argue and waste precious time. And by the time Sarah finally leaves and Cosima suddenly acts with a sense of urgency about not dying, but it’s too late. The villagers have realized that Cosima is missing.
Sarah’s all, oh P.S. there’s something in the woods, bye. She goes to the boathouse and is promptly shot with a tranquilizer dart lulz. God, these clones.
Cosima, as I said above, has suddenly decided to move with urgency and is panicking and getting her huge needle ready. She sinks to the floor, breathing heavily, trying to psych herself up for the surely pleasant experience of self-administering a 4 inch or more needle into her uterus area through her stomach area. Rachel comes in, calm and cool and soothing, and tells Cosima that she will help her. “Stop. Cosima, you’ll hurt yourself,” she says. Cosima sees that Rachel is telling the truth and hands it over to her. Even though I love Rachel, my poor little twisted and broken and unloved Rachel, I wouldn’t be able to trust her. But Rachel doesn’t crunch the needle under her foot like before; she calms Cosima and administers the cure. Cosima is saved!
Sidenote: it was a nice touch to have some of Cosima’s dreds uncurled and messy as she’s had a rough time.