Previously! War, incest, death, Gendry rowing in a boat….
OH HO HO, I SPY A GENDRY IN THE OPENING CREDITS… [readies second bottle of wine] OH SHIT EASTWATCH IS IN THE CREDITS TOO???
Let’s get real: [readies third bottle of wine]
…kidding. Unless you got a spare liver for me?
(Tiny, insignificant quibble. The lighting on the Eastwatch model was off. You could tell it was newly slapped on. But!! If this is my quibble? Ja feel? THINGS ARE GR8. GR9, actually.)
OH HEY, turns out that Bronn saved Jaime! They both made it. Pretty dang convenient… I’m a little sad Cockoff (“Erm, it’s actually Dickon? Dickon Tarly? We’ve met several times now?”) didn’t save him, but I still love that Bronn is actually a #GoodGuy. He’s also totally out of the game now that he’s confronted a dragon. PEACE. Good luck with all of that, and I’ll need a repayment of my gold. Ta.
Tyrion, meanwhile, walks through the ashes of the battlefield as Rains of Castamere plays. Yeah. Not so abstract now is, it, Half Man? And christ, Drogon is so damn huge perched on that outcropping…
Dany has the Lannisters gathered for her “Join me, bend the knee, and you live” speech. They mostly drop to their knees in dribs and drabs, especially when Drogon snarls at them. Oh ho, the Tarlys, however, do not. Dany calls them forward and Tyrion points out Shitheel Tarly’s hypocrisy in picking winning teams over his branded “loyalty”.
Shitheel is all MAGA! (MKLGA?)
Tyrion: I wonder how you’d feel about the Wall?
Shitheel: I reject that as she isn’t a real leader.
Cockoff: Fuck you, Laura, it’s DICKON. And you’ll have to take me to the Wall, too.
Tyrion: Dude. Duuuuuuuuude. Take the L, Cockoff.
Cockoff: I SWEAR TO GOD. DICKON TARLY. LAST OF MY NAME.
Tyrion: Apparently. Put him in chains, then?
Dany: What the hell did I say about bend or die?
Drogon: [smacks lips]
Shitheel: Son. My only son. My ooooooonly son, no. Don’t do this.
Samwell Red Leader Porkins Tarly, looking up from a dusty tome and feeling a twitch in his left eye: WHAT THE FUCK, DAD?
Me: HOLY SHIT BILLY BICEPS NOOOOOO.
[Trogdor’s Burninating Theme Plays]
Well, the rest of the Lannisters bent their fucking knees pretty fast after that. Christ.
Jaime staggers back to King’s Landing and Cersei, who ain’t bovvered by all the death, not really buying that this isn’t a war they can win, ain’t caring at all that the Dothraki are pretty much the baddest of asses. And wow, they are. Jaime is awed. JAIME. Is awed.
Even when Jaime tells her their son was poisoned by Olenna, even though she can see the truth in it, she has gone too far. There is no way out, not for her. Only fighting to the death is left for her. “A soldier should know his choice.”
Dany and Drogon land back at Dragonstone, and if you’re not thinking it’s fucking kickass, the CGI work, then GTFO of my face. I AM HAVING MASSIVE SKYRIM FEELS, AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS ABOUT IT. Jon freaking stares in the face of Drogon, like, inches from it, and is allowed to TOUCH HIM. Wow. None of this “You’re not my real dad, Gary!” stuff.
YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED TO DATE MAMA, JON. (I don’t ship them. I think they want us to think this. And I think that this also makes us think Drogon knows Jon’s bloodline?) I do like that it frames the dragons in a way to show Jon that Drogon is a sentient being, not unlike Ghost. Which… where the hell is Ghost? (They tell us, but give me #EndangeredMagicPuppies, omg.)
They have that convo all divorced people have when starting a new relationship about parenting wayward teens (dragons) and outlining house rules. Dany wants to know about that “knife in the heart” thing but SPEAKING OF LITERAL KNIFE IN THE HEART
I CAN’T BREATHE.
DID YOU FIND A CURE? I WOULDN’T BE HERE IF I HADN’T. IF YOU’LL HAVE ME.
SHE HOLDS HIM. LET ME DIE HERE IN JORAH’S PLEASED SMILE.
FUCK Y’ALL SNOW/DANY SHIPPERS. MY ONE TRUE SHIP IS HERE. I know Book Jorah is #Problematic. I know. SHOW Jorah is IAIN GLENN.
Guys? I ain’t leaving this dock unless it’s setting sail on the S.S. JORAH MORMONT LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Ahahaha. Ahem.
Bran wargs into a flock of
seagulls ravens, and they ran, ran so far away… to Eastwatch. And ooooooooh my god. The army of the dead!! To say there are a lot is like saying there are a lot of grains of sand on the beach. He sends ravens to any and everyone…
…including Samwell LAST OF THE TARLYS, Red Leader Porkins, Future (potential) Maester, Cutter of Greyscale, Healer of Mormonts, Cleaner of Shitpots. He brings the information to the Maesters, who aren’t interested because They Are Smarter, and this is an excellent take on freaking Academia. Seriously. Well, this seems preposterous because we haven’t experienced it here in the dusty tomes to which…we…cling.
Samwell, however, has good info for them, good advice. Go. Tell every maester to be smart about things. The Citadel board are skeptical, but (we know) Samwell needs to be listened to. They, blinded by their chains, DO NOT LISTEN. They don’t appreciate Sam saying, “HEY. I HAVE SEEN THE WHITE WALKERS. I HAVE KILLED ONE. I KNOW THE THREE-EYED RAVEN” because they, learned though they are, have not seen it and have heard too many “my uncle at the docks warged into a catfish!” stories.
And when people would rather fit a narrative to their own worldview instead of being open to possibility… Guys? This is how you get blood purists. Radicals. Sweeping eradication of a race, nation, people.
Don’t tell me this show isn’t political and important for today. Good fantasy, good SF ALWAYS challenges the real world within its pages. And GoT/ASOFAI does, too. Lord. I mean, Harry freaking Potter is relevant to today. We’re basically living in Order of the Phoenix times, y’all.
…where was I?
Varys second-guesses choosing Dany, I think, as Tyrion drinks himself into forgetting what he just witnessed on the battlefield and beyond. (Is this the first time we see Varys drink?) Funny moment: Varys commenting on the letter he has being sealed, but knowing what it had inside. Once the Lord of Whispers… Varys now knows about Bran being the Three-Eyed Knight and Arya being alive, AND SO DOES JON!
Because Jon learned to always share intel, now Dany’s Council knows about the White Walkers and that Jon needs to get home.
…because Jon wants to Scoobie Doo an Undead into King’s Landing in an “I could have gotten away with it, if it weren’t for these pesky Northerners…” move, proving his point of view. Jorah, because he’s the best ever, wants to grab one and sneak it into KL.
If you guys kill him before I’ve had my moment….
I will say the moments of true leadership between he and Dany are pretty great. She appreciates his honor, and I love that. Jon’s pretty majestic here.
Back in Winterfell, all the lords are pledging their affection and dedication to Sansa, which is awesome. But she’s sticking up for Jon, because SANSA STARK IS A GOOD PERSON. She and Arya have a moment as they discuss what’s happening, and Arya’s beef is that the men bitched and Sansa let them. Arya doesn’t have diplomacy, and Sansa does.
I love Arya, my little murder teen, but Sansa has a point about how to make people work together. Damn, Arya got fucking dark. I thought she was before, but telling her sister she knows she wants Jon to fail so Sansa can lead? I don’t agree with her on that, but shit. (Also, I would like a little intel on these two sisters having a real “here’s what happened previously on Glee” conversation, knowing where they’ve both come from.) Arya’s got some hardline views of the world, given her experiences, but that’s also a sign of her youth, even though she’d gut me for saying it…
In King’s Landing, we have Tyrion and Davos landing and splitting off, and Bronn and Jaime down in the catacombs to meet… Tyrion. (I love Bronn.)
Summation of their conversation:
Davos, meanwhile, heads to Flea Bottom for a bit of the brown, by which I mean GENDRY WENT BACK WHAT THE HELL. BRO. Bro. Brooooooooo. You were sent free and you went back?
“I thought you might still be rowing.”
AHAHAHAHA, best sort of fan-service.
Davos was ready to sell a story but Gendry has a go-bag and has been waiting, and I am cackling with glee. “You might want to bring one of those swords.”
Gendry: If YOU MEAN MY TWO HANDED BATTLE-HAMMER, THEN OKAY.
Greatest ruse of all time: Fermented crab, Goldcloaks on, DICKS OUT?
Goldcloaks: Uh… cheaper than Viagra, I guess?
Tyrion: [attempts to sidle past]
Goldcloaks: WE KNOW TWO THINGS: JON SNOW IS A BASTARD, AND YOU’RE THE HALFMAN.
Gendy: BTW I leveled up my difficulty setting to Expert. Allow me to get max XPs. [swings]
Me: HEYYYYYY BATTER-BATTER, suh-WING! BATTER!
Meanwhile, Cersei knows Bronn allowed a meeting with Tyrion. She also believes she can beat dragons. And apparently the Walkers? Girl, you reaching. I think Jaime finally thinks it, too. Especially when Cersei intimates that she’s pregnant and will say Jaime is the father. Is he?? Look. Girl gets around. I’m suspicious.
Cersei: Never betray me again.
Jaime: [tugs neckline]
Davos brings Gendry straight to Jon with an admonition to stay quiet about his heritage. Gendry doesn’t mince words. “I’m Robert’s bastard son.” Hahaha, no subtly this, guy. He and Jon hit it off like peas and carrots, and everything is awesome.
“It’s better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life,” Davos says about his father, and he’s not wrong, but Gendry is as noble as the day is long. Gendry wants to fight. WHAT IS AIR, YOU GUYS? I AM LOVING THIS SEASON.
Davos, at the hot-blooded young dudes ready to fight:
We don’t deserve the Onion Knight, you guys.
…wait, Jorah is loading up to leave and I’m feeling filled with dread. FILLED. TO THE BRIM. Especially because Dany takes his hands, he kisses them, and I want them to fall into one another’s arms. DON’T JUDGE ME.
Jon leaves, and it’s like, eh. I mean, I know y’all want them together, but eh. EH. ??? There, I said it.
In the Citadel, Gilly is darling and lovely and trying to connect with Samwell, and it’s so adorable (and I’ve gone on record about Sam representing the Nice Guy, and they reverted back to that here. She’s trying to help, and he’s pretty dismissive, and it’s frustrating and don’t tell me it’s because he has a lot on his mind oh my gooooooood).
Gilly reads through old papers, and she’s trying to be helpful, and I love her. SHE IS GOOD AND PURE AND COULD HAVE BEEN CERSEI, BUT SHE IS NOT. She is not. Like, have you considered that? She went through essentially the worst upbringing of all women on this show, and she’s good and helpful and awesome, and I just want some Gilly love, sorry.
Sam brushes off her helpful intel (he’s focused, I understand that, but damn son, weight of the world is not on your shoulders, you have a willing listening ear bro). He’s rightfully pissed about the maesters focused on the number of shits (steps) instead of the damn White Walkers. He takes off to the restricted section without an invisibility cloak (oh, Sam!) and grabs the tomes he needs because HE IS A MAN ON A MISSION. And it’s a good one. It’s crucial, I agree. One last look at the astrolabe, so I assume he’s leaving the Citadel? Yep. He sure is. And he’s taking the info he needs because this is more important.
It is more important to BE a better man than to read about good men’s achievements. Hear, fucking, hear.
I love everything happening right now.
I. LOVE. EVERYTHING.
…wait. For an episode titled “Eastwatch” we sure aren’t seeing any of it. Spoiler alert (lol) that won’t change.
Meanwhile, in Winterfell, Littlefinger has a mysterious meeting that Arya spies, and I love Arya keeping an eye out on things, even if I’m terribly afraid for her. Baelish gets his hands on the only copy of… something, and Arya goes into assassin mode. She picks the lock (Khajiit rules the Thieves Guild!) and is clearly thinking “search and destroy”. Under a Pottery Barn blanket she finds what she believes is the message LF was so determined to hide.
Basically it’s the message Sansa was forced to write saying her dad was a traitor and she swears fealty to Joffrey. And LF set it up. Of course he did. Fuck.
Jon and Davos exit their Tardis and land in Eastwatch where Gjördkr the Pêrv Nømm (formerly Gjördkr the Chîcken Eåter, then Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër but formerly as Tormund) has been waiting for war. And oh ho ho, the Hound is in the keep down in the cells with Beric and Thoros! Gendry is like, “HEY. I REMEMBER YOU SELLING ME, DON’T TRUST THEM.” and he’s not wrong, necessarily…
Okay, okay, you’re all enemies. Time to come together to fight the Big Boss, yeah? If you’re breathing, you’re on Shirts. Not breathing, reanimated, you’re Skins.
Shirts? We’re going beyond the Wall. It’s… pretty sketchy out there. Maybe put on a hat. No? None of you? I feel like you all need toques. I’m from Texas, and I’m a cry baby about true cold, so what do I know.
Also: HEY EASTWATCH. WHERE WERE YOU. Also #2, no one died, so let me shut my mouth.
OKAY, BIG WORRIES, FOLKS. Is Arya going to fuck things up? Is she? Murder Teen? Camera Three.
Girl. Child. Precious little assassin puberty princess of my heart. I love you, you know this. You are still young and new and you don’t know everything. Caution is key. Littlefinger is worse than A Girl/Waif, I promise. And she was awful. SLOW YOUR ROLL, COOKIE.
Other worries: Those guys are in Real Winter up north without hats. Is no one worried about heat loss? I SERIOUSLY AM A CRY BABY ABOUT THE COLD because I live in the equivalent of Dorne and it looks rather cold.
Also #3: I feel like the Hound is going to make it, but Jorah isn’t. I am not okay with this. Did we go through all of that with Jorah getting his FLESH CUT OFF just to see him die a “hero’s” death? Sandor already had his hero’s redemption arc, and I worry.
And are y’all STILL on the Jon/Dany have chemistry train? Because that isn’t leaving the station for me. Look, I’m talking as a professional writer and once actress. No chemistry between them. Camera angles are one thing, but those two have mild interest in being on screen together. They just don’t light up. Emily comes alive with Iain Glenn (or Jason Momoa or Missandei, tbh). Kit comes alive with his family or his soon-t0-be-bride. (I know they’re limited to smoldering attractively on screen as actors, but still.)
Marriage of convenience, I get it. Just, I’m still not shipping it. Reminder: I ship everything. Hell, I shipp Cockoff (CHRIST, I AM DEAD AND ASHES AND MY NAME WAS DICKON TARLY, LAURA) and a plate of kippers. It’s a good source of protein and the man needs… needed his muscles, okay?
HEY. Dany said of Jorah, “He is my friend.” THAT HAPPENED. I can die now. (not really)
NOTE IF YOU ARE THAT RARE NEWCOMER; I am unsullied. I have sworn NOT to read the books. Here, we do NOT discuss the books. Spoilers are not allowed. Ever. At all. No hints. Nada. Be cool and talk about what you just watched this ep and previous eps. Cool? Cool.
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SOUND OFF! (Stay respectful, stay focused on the show and what’s aired. NO SPOILERS!)
And then CLICK HERE for episode 6, BEYOND THE WALL