Note; I’m having server issues that are preventing me from adding images other than this one right here. Bah. I’ll have that fixed by Monday! Thanks for your patience.
Previously, we’re reminded of all the manipulation that Sansa has endured since Season 1. I’m sure this isn’t important. AT ALL.
The opening shot of the war table in Dragonstone only to cut to Beyond The Wall is… [kisses fingers]. Can I just put out there how freaking beautiful this show is? Because it is. IT IS GLORIOUS. Also, glorious, Gjödkr the P?rv Nòmm (Tormund) teasing Gendry. And his little speech to Jon about bending the knee as a medicine for prolonging life.
This is such a total bro-fest.
Quest for a Walker: On
Lord, put them back, it’s like -20!!
Other things I insta-loved: Jon and Jorah talking about their honorable (and dead) fathers. And Jorah, because he’s the best of all of us, will not accept Longclaw because he accepts his mistakes and the consequences of them, and honors Jon’s relationship with Lord Mormont, and I’m not crying, it’s just a tree or… branch in my eye.
Hey, another reason I’m crying, but for a TOTALLY DIFFERENT REASON: Sansa and Arya are having a RIDICULOUS FIGHT, and if I may? This is pretty far-fetched. Look. I’m a sister. I’m a sister to a few sisters, in fact, and let me tell you how we fight. We dredge up EVERYTHING. There are no stones left unturned. There are no hints, no dancing around the issue, so I’m really struggling with them and the whole “You can’t imagine what I’ve been through” as the conversation stopped. Sansa, if she were written by a woman, would TOTALLY own that she’d been brutalized and raped to her sister. Arya would 10000% say she’d been traveling with the Hound, had left him to die, the House of Black and White, gory details, all of it.
What do you guys always say about us women? We talk too much? See any of that here? Pah. I’m all for serving the story and the show, but this was stretching my limits. This is manufactured drama. Sisters, even bitterly angry sisters, lay out the details.
“I guess we’ll never know.” THIS IS A COP-OUT. Ladies? Am I right?
Gjödkr and the Hound’s entire exchange as they hunt White Walkers is a balm to my chapped hide (chapped from the scene before). Especially Gjödkr’s whole belief that Brienne is waiting for him. YES. Also:
Jon: All anyone tells me is ‘I don’t know’
Dany: I like how you’re not a hero.
Tyrion: Um. Well. Ouch? And also: hey! Easy!
Dany: No, I like how you’re weak and not full of testosterone. Like Jon Snow.
Dany: So I’m meeting your sister soon!
Tyrion: By the way, I hated the game Mouse Trap.
Dany: …that’s my favorite game.
Tyrion: Mine is chess. I’m quite good.
Dany: That’s still up for debate.
“After you break the wheel, how do we insure it stays broken?” That’s a damn fine question. (There is a LOT of insistence that Jon is into Dany. GUYS. THIS IS A LOT OF TELL, NOT SHOW.)
Okay, seriously. These fuckers north of the wall need headgear. Straight up. Those winds are intense. It’s like a blizzard. Shit, it IS a blizzard. And “winter is coming” is a euphemism for the fucking Whites. THEY are winter. Presently in the form of a polar bear or two, slicing through the Brotherhood like butter. The Hound is freaked (reasonably so) by FLAMING POLAR BEARS, and dibs on new band name, by the way.
Okay, the Hound sees Thoros being ripped up by a ZOMBIE FLAMING POLAR BEAR and is paralyzed with fear. I see this as a problem for the Hound… I mean, this is not what he signed up for. Not at all.
Thoros gets Beric to cauterize his dead bear wounds with his flaming sword and the Hound is like, “YOU KNOW I WOULD LIKE TO BE IN A BAR WITH ABOUT FOURTEEN ROASTED CHICKENS AND NOT HERE.”
Back in Winterfell, Sansa asks Littlefinger about the scroll Arya found and I am about to lose my damn mind. SANSA. ARE YOU STUPID. ARE YOU MAKING AN ERROR. ARE YOU PLAYING LITTLEFINGER? I DON’T KNOW AND I AM STRESSED TO THE MAX. I KNOW YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T TALK TO LITTLEFINGER IN A FAMILIAR WAY.
Sansa: I’ve married two enemies of our house.
Littlefinger: My plans are working… I mean, erm, ask Brienne to be involved.
Littlefinger: Whew. Brienne will help you both! She’ll get in the middle of whatever happens. Hopefully die.
Sansa: What was that?
Me: YOU MOTHER FU…
THEORY: Sansa knows what LF is plotting and is sending Brienne away to safety. LET ME HAVE THIS.
Jorah gives Thoros a parting memory of grandeur, and stop the Jorah hate, because SHOW JORAH IS A GOD AMONG MEN. I will hear no slight against him
Meanwhile, apparently the White Walkers have scouting parties, convenient for the plot, and when Jon takes one out with his Valyrian sword, they all fall.
Well. Not all. Plot must be served, and all that.
The remaining hostage lets out an almighty screech and that’s basically a dog whistle to the rest of their followers. GREAT. GET YOUR ASSES UP AND RUN. Gendry is sent back and leaves his hammer for Gjödkr, which is what we were all waiting for. Gendry takes off like a shot.
Well, how about a little detour on the ice, because our heroes, sans Gendry, are trapped on an ice floe not quite cold enough for hordes, except for the mass of undead running over it?
OH! NOPE. They all fall in, whew. Are we going to learn about water* and the undead, finally?
*Hardhome, they stopped at the shore
Our group is totally surrounded. They’re on a rock/ice island, surrounded by the undead as Gendry runs his ass off to Eastwatch and the light falls.
Jon. Jorah. The Hound. Beric. Others I don’t care about as much (sorry). Gendry, on fumes, makes it to the wall, Davos grabs him and activates the Maester/ravens.
On Ice Rock Island, they make it through the night with their hostage, yet are still surrounded. Well… they don’t all make it. Thoros succumbs to his Polar Bear Wight Bite. Yoooooo, that’s a hell of a dessert name. Vanilla ice cream–rivulets of caramel ribboning through it–dipped in white chocolate and honey nibs? Just credit me.
Sorry. I’m a show-only person. Thoros was mildly interesting at best. No slight on the actor, just, you know, there are a lot of characters.
They cover him up, none of them have fucking hats on, and I’m thinking this is a terrible idea. Beric does his Lord of Light shit, but Jon knows they need to burn him. THANK YOU, JON. Beric lights him up, and reminder: the night is dark and full of terrors.
…and so is the day, yo.
Jorah, because he’s brilliant, realizes that when a leader is killed with Valyrian steel, its followers fall, too. Jon feels like they can hold out for Dany and her Dragon. Beric, realizing that’s a long-ass wait, thinks they need to take out the leader and they’ll all fall. And hey, he’s a cool cat on his ninth life, so.
In Winterfell, Sansa receives a raven, an invitation to King’s Landing. She wants to send Brienne because she is not going to go down there while Cersei is there. The thing is, Brienne does not trust Littlefinger, and she’s not wrong. But Sansa doesn’t want to be coddled or babysat, and this is some rash action. This is also the FIRST truly rash decision she’s made, so don’t @ me on Twitter.
Dany, in some kickass winter clothing, is preparing to load up the Dragon Patrol and head to Jon’s side. Tyrion obviously wants her to slow her roll, but honestly? We need fucking dragons up beyond the Wall. And that shot of them taking off was awesome.
And I’m ignoring time and how long things take. I recommend you do, too. It’s as the dragon flies here.
The Hound gets into a rock-tossing match with a White Walker, (hilarious), but the WW decides to come talk man-to-man bout it. And the game is on. SHIT. They’re going ’70’s ninja style, one at a time instead of all at once. Wait. No. They’re all in now. Hand-to-hand combat for our boys, and it’s super stressful. I am now on my third glass of wine, for example.
I mean, these guys are all the best of the best of the best, but nonetheless. I don’t know who most of the additional red shirt/Brotherhood/Wildling dudes are, and I’m not invested. But Tormund’s under attack!!
NO NO NO!!
OH MY GOD, NO NO NO.
The Hound fights off his attackers and oh my god. OH MY GOD.
Shit is looking pretty dire. They keep moving to higher ground (why can’t the wights come up the way they did?) but now there’s just the one side to defend, so whew. But not whew, because it’s looking really bad. Especially when the dead are piling up and climbing up the cliff side until
They’re cutting through the ice so they either burn or fall through, then they burninate the villagers, a.k.a. White Walkers.
The Night King, however approaches, able to cross the dragonfire. He throws his spear and utterly kills Viserion. Holy. Shit.
Dany is in shock. We’re all in shock!! Jon takes a moment, then renews his attack until he sees the Night King readying a new ice spear. He shouts for them to leave, is tackled into the lake, and Dany, Drogon loaded with our survivors, takes off. He has to take evasive moves to avoid a spear, almost losing Jorah. DON’T YOU KILL JORAH AFTER HE HAD HIS CHEST CUT OFF.
But is Jon lost?
(Also, is there significance to the image we see in drone-shot of the horseshoe and straight line formation? I assume so, but in my pique I can’t think of what it is.)
Longclaw rests on the ice as the Undead march on, and Jon pops free, using Longclaw to pull himself from the water. Good. Fucking. Hell. He must be so cold. The undead sense him, and turn en masse.
AND FUCKING COLD HANDS AND HIS FLAMING MACE RIDE TO THE RESCUE. Uncle Benjen! OHANA MEANS FAMILY. He gives Jon his horse and stands in his place to fight until his death. Which, let’s be honest, is quick.
The Hound parts with the guys and his White Walker, and says he hopes he never sees any of them again. Ahahaha. Can’t blame the guy. The dragons mourn their brother, as does Dany. She just lost a child! But the Riccola horn sounds that a rider is approaching, and it’s JON.
Davos peels the frozen Ikea furs off Jon’s body and starts administering First Aid as Dany watches. Yeah. He wasn’t making it up, the whole stabbed in the chest thing. Now you know. And you know what he didn’t want you to know.
Sansa, meanwhile, finds a FACE in Arya’s backpack. That’s like, way worse than a bad test. Arya was waiting for it. I’m really unhappy with my Murder Teen playing Judge, Juror and Executioner, not going to lie.
Sansa learns about the Faceless Men, and I really don’t like Arya threatening Sansa’s life. Christ.
She hands Sansa her dagger. Point made, I guess??
Okay, theory: she knows Sansa will say something to Littlefinger? Freak Littlefinger out? I DON’T KNOW.
On the ship back to Dragonstone, Jon wakes to an emotional Dany and apologizes for Viserion dying. But now she knows the truth of their situation. And she’s all in. And he’s ready to bend the knee to her, too. Well, well, well.
And again, I see them as super friendly siblings. Sorry, shippers. SORRY. I SHIP EVERYTHING. I think they’re going to be BFFs.
Meanwhile, north of the wall, the Night King has the white walkers use chains to drag the dragon out of the depths of the lake, and holy shit balls. First, he’s huge. We knew this. Second,
Zombie dragons. That’s a thing. I mean, I guess we should have seen that coming with the polar bear? And we speculated in a WILD IDEA, THEY WON’T GO HERE concept, because DRAGONS ARE MAGIC. I WAS THINKING THEY WOULDN’T…
Dear sweet little eight-pound baby Jesus, lord, we ask thee to not burninate us with Dragon Wight fire? I’m just thinking of little baby Jesus with his mobile of dragons and scales eggs listening to Mozart and hoping He can bless us with not sending ZOMBIE DRAGON FIRE TO KILL US ALL because I don’t have a go-bag for that.
In conclusion, I love this man:
NOTE; I am so anti-spoiler, it’s not even funny. I don’t read the books, and that’s why you’re here. DON’T. TALK. ABOUT. THE BOOKS. Talk about what we just watched! There’s a lot to talk about! Just don’t. Some of you really want to, I get it. Go to my pals at WatchersontheWall.com for book talk! But none here. If you have to ask, you probably shouldn’t bring it up. THANK YOU I LOVE YOU.
(Side note: I’m dealing with some personal family issues right now so I’ll be slow in responding, so PLEASE PLEASE behave yourselves in the comments like I know you can, and I’ll owe you a drink. [forehead kiss] All my love.)