Hey! So things you should know about me today: I’ve been drinking since 6pm and I roasted a chicken in honor of the Hound and Gjördkr the Chîcken Eåter, aka Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër, aka Tormund the Wildling. I’m very stressed. I’m writing this as I watch. Here we go.
Edited after watching: OH MY GOD. Oh my god, the old and the new gods. The small and mighty gods. FROM THE TITANS TO BASICALLY, CEREON, the Greek God of mixing wine. ALL OF THE GODS, I CALL UNTO YOU.
So, all of y’all complaining about pacing and ambling storytelling and… [blasts “HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW” on 11]
Someone, light the fires to call Gondor, because SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
This was a huuuuuuuge episode, so I’m not going to blow-by-blow because I would never sleep again, and I have to go to work in the morning. (Reminder, I do this for free! Feel free to drop a tip in the cup/Paypal link on the right side of your screen!)
The Lannisters batten down their hatches as the Unsullied line up pretty as a picture. And then the Dothraki ride in hell-bent for leather, and if I was a Lannister, I would have dampened my knickers at the sight. Great moments: Bronn and Jaime realizing it’s all a dick measuring contest, from fighting to war to… well, all of it.
The rest of Dany’s fleet line up in Blackwater (at a safe distance, one assumes), Sandor checks their wight-in-a-box, and it’s off to the Dragonpit for parlay where they run into Brienne and Pod. I’d like to think the Dothraki get a load of Bronn and see a fellow warrior, but that’s just me. Brienne and Sandor beaming with pride over their murder teen being All Growed Up Now is maybe everything in the world to me, but you can’t hold me to it.
Any one proud of a teen girl making it in the Big Bad World is my favorite, I don’t make the rules.
This is basically turning into a Class Reunion and I’m loving it. I’m also loving the set pieces, because gottdammerung, the dragonpit is awesome. All the major players save one arrive, and Dany comes in on Drogon’s back, and my hat’s off to the CGI team, because Drogon sliding down the ruins was bad ass. Also bad ass, Dany stepping off Drogon’s back without a hitch. (Props to Cersei for not flinching once at a fucking DRAGON, but hey. We know she has ice in her veins.)
We start with Euron making a show of crazy, then some Little People jokes, and it’s all some dick measuring. Which, I believe we all know, means that there’s not much to measure. Again, I don’t make the “he who smelt it dealt it” rules, I just honor them.
Back and forth, everyone’s heels are dug in, but then Sandor powerlifts a massive box into the pit, the crank turns to Pop goes the Waaaaaaalker! But it doesn’t, so Sandor kicks it over, and the wight goes screaming straight for Cersei. Raise your hand if you thought it would get her. (Come on, too easy!) I do love the forethought in chaining it. And making it a loooooooooong chain, hahaha.
Well, the Jack is out of the box, and everyone knows what we’re dealing with. Qyburn is a little TOO excited by it, just me? But everyone else is properly Worried with a capital W. Jaime in particular is impressed (freaked) by their numbers, and when Euron learns they can’t swim, he’s like, “Well. That’s it. Fuck off, cunts! Hanging out on my island and riding out the apocalypse. PEACE.”
Cersei agrees to stop fighting until the Dead are defeated. Well. Huh. That was easy. “But Jon Snow will not fight me or choose sides.” Oh. Yeah. She pulls the “Are you or are you not Ned Stark’s son?” card.
Jon’s face tells it all: I AM.
Us: ARE YOU?! FUCKING ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well, technically, Jon has pledged to Dany—
Me: BITCH, WHEN!?
Jon: BITCH, NOW!
—and Brienne blows everything out of my brain by dropping an F bomb with regards to loyalty, and apparently UP IS DOWN AND RIGHT IS LEFT. But Jon’s siding with Dany, Cersei’s bowed out, and we’re back to square one.
Tyrion: WELP. TIME FOR ME TO DO SOMETHING MONUMENTALLY STUPID. I’d prefer to think of it as brave—
Bronn, probably: NOPE. You were right with stupid.
Tyrion passes Jaime (heartfelt aww shucks moment) then has to pass ZOMBIE MOUNTAIN*…
*new ride at Euro Disney!
…and enters Shelob’s inner chamber. I mean, Cersei’s. Wow, they hate each other. I mean, no holds barred in this cage match. You killed so-and-so and are responsible for EVERYTHING, yeah, well, you birthed a Weaselteat and blew up half of your own people, and Cersei could have Zombie Mountain slam his meaty paw onto Tyrion’s skull and be done with it, but she won’t. Because ha!! HE IS FAMILY! (Am I reading this wrong?) And that’s when he realizes, after she blathers on about “when I saw, I felt, blah blah” that Cersei is preggers. Well, that means a part of Jaime lives on, too, and we know Tyrion actually likes Jaime.
Back at the Dragonpit, Jon and Dany kill time by discussing that maaaaaaybe the witch who killed Dany’s baby and put Khal Drogo in a state of zombiefied living was possibly not truthful about her pregnancy chances? Also, raise your hand if you wanted Dany to say, “YO. I’ve been trying, like, a LOT. And nada y pues nada. I mean, if Daario couldn’t get a baby off me…”
Jorah: [heart shatters in his chest]
Side note, them in the alcove in Dragonpit made me actually buy chemistry between them. That was a real moment, and I’m glad that happened. I thought they would kiss, honestly.
They’re interrupted by Tyrion (and the rest of Cersei and her Queensguard) for the announcement Cersei makes: we’ll fight the White Walkers. Remember I said this when I fight you after. It’s a pretty queenly moment, even though we all can agree she’s terrible.
A raven comes staggering into Winterfell in the increasing storm, and Littlefinger continues his Wormwood ways with Sansa. God, he’s awful. Anything and everything he can do to sew discord, he does. And we, the audience, believe Sansa to be the weak teenager THE INTERNET WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE BUT NOT ME. I HAVE BEEN TEAM SANSA ALL ALONG AND I HAVE FAITH IN YOU, MY RED-HAIRED BEAUTY.
TEAM. DAMN. SANSA. <– put that on my tombstone.
Baelish does the whole, “I play the game with why they’re saying what they say” thing and I honestly thought for a moment it was Arya wearing his face, or that the show WANTED me to think that. Am I alone?
Dany and her council all decide they fight together, and Jorah VISIBLY adjusts to his position as Friendzoned In Perpetuity. (Boo, I got you. Wine is uncorked and you can call me Khaleesi.) DON’T MAKE IT WEIRD.
But THE BEST MOMENT EVER happens: Jon and Theon have a talk, and while Jon acknowledges that Theon’s done bad things (and Theon does, too, obviously), Jon says Theon is still a Stark and my heart? Is breaking? Because Theon? NEEDS? SOMEONE? TO? BELIEVE? IN HIM?!?!?!
Theon, newly filled with pride, takes a beating from Yara’s men and finds it in himself to win, because guys? He may not have traditional stones (in his pants) but he still has stones (in his heart). Yes, it’s true. Theon has heart stones. DID I MENTION I HAVE HAD A BOTTLE TO MYSELF? We knew there had to be a moment where his lack o’bait and tackle would come to pass, and it did. Knee to the… nothing, and he wins the fight. I’m so proud of Theon, I can’t even.
Sansa calls for her men to bring Arya to the Great Hall with all her men in full armor and it’s looking bad, gang. IT IS LOOKING LIKE SISTER ON SISTER AND THIS IS NOT OKAY I BELIEVED IN–
Oh my dear sweet little eight-pound baby Jesus in a tuxedo onesie (because he’s classy), a moment we’ve been waiting for. Sansa.
And that mother trucker, that killer, that shit-stirrer, that murdering weasel who imagined himself the puppet-master FALLS TO HIS KNEES AND CRIES because Sansa and Arya have his number.
They know what he’s done, the 3ER busts out some knowledge, and they have enough evidence to bring him down, the fucking DAGGER he gifted to Bran is going to be his undoing and there is nowhere to hide, not enough slime to slip away this time, and Arya
WITH THE KNIFE THAT UNDID HIS LIES AND TREACHERY!!!!!
Did I see that right??? [rewinds the DVR] Holy lord on high, Cereon lord god of what’s in my glass, DID I SEE WHAT I SAW? I believe I heard Oz cry out in delight, so I’m pretty sure I did!!
“There is no justice in the world unless we make it. Thank you for all your lessons, Lord Baelish.”
Back in King’s Landing Cersei continues to be the worst, berating Jaime for being an idiot for, you know, listening to her words. She’s a lying liar who lies and wants to ride out the apocalypse (oh ho, maybe she’s perfect for Euron) and not even the baby in the oven ploy sways Jaime. Guys? Jaime is really visibly questioning Cersei, and it’s about fucking time.
TAKE AWAY: Cersei sent Euron away to grab the Golden Company, a group of mercenaries that are better than the Second Sons and Unsullied, so why didn’t Dany get THEM? Hmm.
TAKE AWAY 2: Twincest are going behind the other’s backs, so. It’s all falling apart there.
BUT. Cersei threatens Jaime with Zombie Mountain, but she can’t follow through. That’s 2 for 2, girl. Jaime’s face as he hears Zombie Mountain pull iron, though…
Cersei? I believe your next-to-last bridge has been burned. (Qyburn is the last)
Winter is now come to King’s Landing, and that was marvelous to see. It’s like a blizzard in Greece. Nowhere is safe, in other words.
Snow falls softly on dragon skulls, and that’s a portent for what’s to come, hahahahaha (I came back and added this, because I love an implied sex joke).
WAIT, Samwell Red Leader Porkins Gamgee Tarly (the longest of his name) comes to Winterfell (where’s Gilly and little Morsel?) and enjoys in a way his time with Bran, who is basically a 4000 year old man in a teen’s body.
Sam: What’s up?
Bran: I became the 3ER
Sam: Well isn’t that nice! BTW, no one knows what that means.
Bran: It means I know Jon should know he’s not Ned’s son. He’s a Sand.
Sam: OH! Gilly found that! And nope, he’s not! He’s legit, not actually the most Famous Bastard In History.
Bran: SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL HIM HE’S A TARGARYEN BEFORE HE DOES SOMETHING.
Sam/Bran: [LOOKS AT THE CAMERA IN A SIGNIFICANT WAY]
Meanwhile, on the S.S. OOPSIE DOODLE, Jon comes (hurr) to Dany. And the do it, and do it, and do it well. Her earrings are jingling, baby. BOOTS, THEY WERE KNOCKED.
JON. YOU BONED YOUR AUNT.
Guys? Imagine your aunt. YEAH. I DID THAT TO YOU. At least you didn’t do that to your aunt.
I’m on a boat and!
I’m going down and!
I’m deep dicking the one-n-only Da-ny-Targaryen!
This is what you signed up for when you clicked.
Okay, look. Jon had a happy moment, and that’s nice? And Dany did, too? And? I MEAN? GAH. Tyrion, meanwhile, is lurking in the hallway and it’s weird. That’s the weirdest part, I think? Why is that the weirdest part!?
WAIT, SHIT. THERE IS MORE TO REVEAL, HOW IS THIS NOT OVER??
Arya and Sansa share a sweet sister moment about killing Baelish, and this is the stuff that brings families together. [beams] I LOVE MY MURDER STARK TEENS, GUYS. THE PACK SURVIVES.
Bran, however, is hanging out at the tree being all emo. BRO. WE GET IT. YOU’RE LITERALLY AN OLD SOUL. Oh shit, no, my bad, he’s warging to Eastwatch.
Tormund, my beloved Gjördkr, checks the view with Beric when AHHHH!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!! THAT’S AN ARMY COMING FORTH. Holy shit. My non-existent prehensile tail just covered my ah-noose in my fear.
LOADS OF WHITE WALKERS. And ha! HA OF COURSE, BAD TO WORSE: VISERION FLIES FORTH AND BREATHS ICE FLAMES, because of course he does.
EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE. THE WALL IS COMPROMISED. THE MINISTER HAS FALLEN. VOLDEMORT… Sorry. THE WHITE WALKERS HAVE BROUGHT DOWN THE WALL
…and did Beric and Tormund make it? CAN I DARE HOPE?!!??
GUYS. I just don’t want to hear negativity. Like, how? HOW CAN YOU NOT BE SATISFIED? J/K, I don’t honestly care. I DON’T! That was AMAZING television. So many threads tying up. So many stories coming to a satisfactory conclusion, and so many future stories left to tell.
AHHHHHH, everything is wonderful and terrible (because it’s over until next year) but will you do me a favor? Come talk to me here or on Twitter until S8. Come to Con of Thrones in Dallas, where I’ll be because I LIVE HERE, and let’s hold one another and get really excited about this show we love.
AND TALK TO MEEEEE. (Don’t talk about the books, though, NO THERE ARE STILL THINGS YOU CAN SAY. There are! There is PLENTY in the show to talk about, so let’s talk!)
In conclusion: AHHHHH! Thanks to you guys dropping a little love in the tip jar, as well! I truly appreciate it. It’s not cheap running a site–no ads, and you’re welcome–so I really and truly appreciate you. [forehead kisses]