Me watching each week:
I would like to remind all that I love Tormund Giantsbane, aka Gjödkr the Bær Fücker with all my heart. And I thought I wanted something, but when it happened… Well. Gah.
IF YOU ARE NEW HERE: I am Unsullied. I know, preposterous, right? And yet! No book talk. None. Plenty of show to talk about, so you. Are. Good! ANd how fun is it to watch me get things wrongs? SO FUN. To the episode! Let’s press on.
Things I’m happy I wasn’t forced to witness: Euron. If a cigarette butt was floating in hot dog water in a tipped over cart in an abandoned city, it would be Euron. Also see: physical embodiment of an unsolicited dick pic. (And is this the first time Cersei hasn’t been in an ep??) But we also saw loads of Ghost standing around, so… Even Steven?
THE FLIPPY WINTER PIECES INEXORABLY MOVING TO WINTERFELL and the moats!! UGH I am such a nerd and watch the intro in full each episode. People work on that, you know? I honor you. I am also a dork. But still: I honor you. And I drink a bit while I watch. “A bit.”
We open with the court deciding whether or not to behead Jaime Lannister. I mean. Everyone has a point. This is a sisterfucker and a babypusher and a kingslayer and an oathbreaker. But he’s trying? Sansa also underscores his crimes, but Jaime says, ‘”YEAH. I HAD TO.” And then Bran pops in with “The things we do for love,” and unnerving Jaime Lannister is a damn feat.
“This goes beyond loyalty. This is about survival.” The statement of the damn day, and Jaime’s not wrong here. Brienne steps in with her bona fides and points out the game play that it resulted in, and she’s not wrong… Also, her hardon for Jaime can be seen from SPACE (unless you’re Tormund).
Brienne’s “I Do” in vouching for him is as sacred as a wedding vow. Christ. (Grey Worm is the other symbolically perfect knight, btw.) I would walk onto a battlefield for Brienne of Tarth, y’all. LAURA. LOVES. LOYAL. BITCHES. Dany doesn’t LIKE this, but she knows where her bread is buttered and doesn’t immediately behead Jaime. But now Tyrion is in her sights. Be smarter or…
[Drags finger along neck]
Gosh things got serious. How about some: BLACKSMITH PORN.
(Not hating on it. at. all.)
And also: What is Arya’s special weapon? Aside from her BURGEONING SEXUALITY? (A Girl smirking when Gendry slams a hatchet into wood: ME. SAAAAAAME, girl, SAAAAME.) I would like to point out that my 17 year old child HATES all of this. HATES. Hahaha. I sup on your angsty rage like a fine wine, my child.
LOOK. I WANT ARYA TO BE A LESBIAN MORE THAN YOU ALL. No, really. But. They’ve translated this relationship since S2. So.
Jaime: So. I pushed you from a window.
Bran: You pushed Bran from a window.
Jaime: That’s what I said?
Bran: I’m not Bran. And you’re not that Jaime.
Bran: I don’t get why none of you accept this. I AM NO LONGER HUMAN. Have none of you played chess? Also, cute that you think you’ll live much longer.
So… confirmation that Cersei is pregnant and it’s Jaime’s. So she boned Euron for cover, let’s be real. Also, I lol’d at Tyrion assuming he’d die at Winterfell instead of a brothel, even if the joke was as tired as his one-handed brother, explaining how he claps. [It’s a way homer.]
OMG Podrick has become a skilled swordsman AND a Hunk. (The whore at King’s Landing: WE BEEN KNEW.] Hahaha What a good boy. Also, Jaime asking to serve under Brienne got me feeling a LOT.
Hi. Iain Glenn is in armor and vocalizing in his dulcet tones and speaking up for others while also mentioning his own faults and I’m now on the floor, wine spilled everywhere in my verklempt state, so I hope you’re all satisfied. WELL? ARE YOU?
Let’s all assume he’s wearing The Shirt under his armor. (And that it’s been laundered.)
And then there’s Sansa, being a leader, wearing her family and more importantly her sister (the needle at the end of the chain) across her heart. I appreciate her approach and honesty with Dany. There she is, asking the hard questions. Anyone who keeps hating on this girl is dead to me. Her convo with Dany is great, respectful, and doesn’t pull punches. She never simpers, she only stands her ground and acts responsibly. Fuck y’all who snark on her. Also: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DEFEAT THE DEAD?
WHAT ABOUT THE NORTH? Girl, she’s effing right.
She is ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS.
AND THEN COMES THEON OH MY GOD. I AM BAWLING. Give Alfie an Emmy ffs.
Seriously, everything is worth this moment between these two people who know what it is to suffer, know so intimately, and share their love. UGH. The sisterly embrace he’s been waiting for, tbh.
Ser Davos and Gilly as Community Organizers is amazing, and they’re freaking good at it.. And then comes a sassy child up to Ser Davos, and I can HEAR HIS HEART GROWING WITH LOVE. I can’t take it, I really can’t. BOOM: YOU JUST GOT FATHERED, WAIF.
EDD. GJÖRDKR. DONDARRION. Christ. I’m a mess. And they have, like, 8 hours to prepare for Helm’s Deep. Not sure how effective trebuchets will be, other than I think they’re really fun. But they’re all happy to be working, so. *cough*
“Death is forgetting.” …I love Dark Souls. “Your memories don’t come from books.” BITCH MINE DO! Oh, it’s not about me. Okay, and then Bran admits he’s a lure, so WTF DON’T WE SEND HIM TO KING’S LANDING. Oh, but Theon offers to protect him in the Godswood, and I am going to sob for nineteen hours, brb. “Let me defend you, now.”
[CASCADE OF TEARS]
(But why are we leaving Bran to be the lure? He’s a pot of SUGAR WATER waiting for HORNETS TO COME.)
I’m also here for Dany respecting Tyrion’s mind. And he needs the reminder. (sob) And while I don’t want to disrespect his abilities… he isn’t a physical sort. Out of the bedroom, that is.
I’m intrigued by:
Arya: Dragon fire will stop him
Bran/3ER: I don’t know. No one’s ever tried.
What the actual fuck, Bran? You can’t see if it’s going to work?? Because… if you’re going to have a Seer/ omniscient person on your squad, don’t you want them to be, yanno, OMNISCIENT? This is some Christian “god is watching you but leaving you to your own fate” bullshit that I’m over. MAKE. YOUR. GODS. OMNISCIENT. OR. GTFO.
Gjördkr: We’re all going to die. But I’ll do it in the eyes of my love, The Big Woman. [moons at Brienne]
HAHAHA. God, his love is pure. Purely physical. (A new thing for Brienne!)
Meanwhile, the white children are afraid of Missandei because… “MakeWinterfellGreatAgain.” Hang on, I need more wine.
Okay. I can’t feel my face. Let’s carry on.
I have massive feelings about the crypt, btw. I feel like something horrid will happen because that has been some foreshadowing for seasons. PEOPLE GONNA DIE IN THE FACE OF THEIR ANCESTORS. But I do like Sam’s follow through with Jon: be sure to tell Dany about the whole, you know, usurping the throne as is your right.
I also like the reminder of how far Samwell Red Leader Porkins Gamgee Tarley has come from the beginning. Because, dude. First red shirt who lived. Plus, he got a nut joke in on Edd, and that’s [chef’s kiss].
I also appreciate the dragonglass embedded into the parapets of the castle. (Dear British lovers: I might have that wrong. I don’t care about castles. #Socialist)
WOW JAIME ADMITTING HE’S A VC ANDREWS, DIRTY ROTTEN SISTER FUCKER. #charactergrowth
OMG, first date with Jaime and Brienne is all FAMILY (Brienne and Jaime and Tyrion and Pod and TORMUND hahahaha)
OMG THE POSTURING.
GJÖDKER the GIANT WIFE FUCKER. He is CLUELESS with how to woo women and I am dying of laughter.
OH. MY. GOD. Pardon me, Gjördkr, the G?ãnt M?lk Súck?r
Tormund: SEDUCTIVELY SUCKS DOWN GOATS MILK TO EXCITE THE LADIES
Me: BITCH IT IS WORKING [points to self]
Tormund: She nursed me for months
Me: I WOULD RESPECTFULLY TAKE THAT BACK.
THE HOUND. ARYA! OUR CRISPY FAILED KNIGHT AND MURDER TEEN
“I fought for you, adopted daughter, didn’t I?”
Arya: “I’m not spending my final hour with your two grumpy old shits, even if you are my gay step-dads.”
Nope, she’s got a V card to punch.
Arya: Are you a virgin?
Gendry [Miss Chanandler Bong voice]: I’ve had sex, like, seven whole times
Arya: Seven women?
Gendry: *cough* Three. One of them I was with four times.
Gendry: Okay, twice
Arya: That’s what I thought. [bones with more power]
I DON’T WANT TO SEE MAISIE’S BOOBS I WANT THEM TOGETHER BUT NOT LIKE THIS.
(okay, kind of like this) BUT MOSTLY VERY YA STYLE WITH A PAN TO A BURNING FIRE [peeks through fingers] I mean, I still support bi/lesbian Arya, but the show has been VERY INSISTENT. (And that was a deep cut on Friends, I hope you know.)
In safer, more adult news:
Brienne: I don’t want to be a knight.
Gjödkr: I’d knight you a million times
Brienne: That’s not how…
Jaime: Anyone can make a knight. Well, one knight can begat another. Like me, for example. Kneel.
Brienne: [rips panties off] Well, then.
Everyone takes it seriously, AS THEY SHOULD. POD BEAMS FROM EVERY CELL. If you don’t know Brienne of Tarth is the perfect archetype for a knight in this show, you’re not watching. And this is some emotional, wonderful shit. “I charge you to be just. To defend the innocent.” AND I WEEP. IT’S WHAT SHE REALLY WANTED. MORE THAN SHE WANTED JAIME. BAWLING.
And when they clap, I clap. And cry. (I’ve had a bottle of wine. Fuck you, I’m emotional.) HER GRIN!!!!
JORAH AND LADY MORMONT. She is HERE to keep her WORD and I’m HERE FOR IT. She is preteen fabulous bulwarking and I love it. God damn, I love the message. Bless the fierce teen girls who are dismissed but stick to their guns. Girls? I love you, fiercely. I know what you’re up against, and I FREAKING SUPPORT YOU.
Sam giving Jorah his Valyrian steel: He knows Jorah will be more effective and I’m all choked up about it. “I hope we win.” Me, too. Me, too!!!
And are you telling me there is a THIRD SONG in Westeros and PODRICK HAS KNOWN IT??!?!?!!
We have spent EIGHT SEASONS hearing only two damn songs. But.
Relationships ranked best to worst:
- Missandie/Grey Worm
- everyone else
- especially Jon/Dany
AND JON TELLS DANY WHO HE IS. And she has a reasonable reaction for a monarch. But I really wish he’d say JUST LET ME STAY IN THE NORTH but tension? I guess? Ugh. If you can solve your problems with a clear conversation….
But the horn of IMPENDING DOOM blows, like eternity’s fart. And here we are. Hey, look at all them Craster Babies on horseback! Cool. Cool, cool, cool. (And shit, that closing song is amazing.)
On a scale of how fucked are we, 1 not at all, 10 SUPER FUCKED, we’re at
TELL ME ALL OF YOUR THOUGHTS (unless they include Sekrit Book Talks)
(This was posted very quickly and very drunkenly, so you have to be kind and nice and also accepting. You have to. Those are the rules.)