Game of Thrones 8.3 – The Long Night


Alexa: beer me strength.

key and peele

WHO’S READY? I have my wine open, my laptop precariously placed on my lap, and I’m going to write this AS IT AIRS. What could go wrong?

…Alexa: Prime me some wine stain remover. [Preemptive move.]


….how great would it have been if the show trolled us and made this a bottle episode, aka flashbacks of Silly Shenanigans with One Heartfelt Moment, and didn’t actually move the narrative forward? Ha, I’m kidding, I would have thrown my TV off the balcony in a fit of pique.


Okay, so everyone read Kim Renfro’s article about what the new stuff on the astrolabe is, right? I love the backwards telling of the rebirth of magic in Westeros. And that even the metal on the astrolabe has gone dark, too.

Samwell Gamgee Red Leader Porkins Tarley is all of us: scared out of our wits, but Doing Our Best™. He’s also better mentally equipped for what’s to come. Better mentally prepared, I guess is the more accurate way to put it. Everyone is getting into position before the sun comes up (prediction: it won’t because The Long Night Has Come At Last).

And can I say how much I love Sansa for bravely standing there with Arya even though she has NO idea what to expect? She’s come a long way from embroidery and court. I have an absolute thrill running through me at these silent shots of everyone braced, brave, ready as they can be.

When you’re standing with your boys but you accidentally step on a Lego

Y’all? I love this show. I love these characters. IT IS GOING TO HURT AND I AM NOT READY.

Ghost!! Oh god, don’t kill Ghost. They’re ENDANGERED ANIMALS. The waiting is killing me. Amazing. I’m waiting for the Summer School shriek.

“Tension breaker. Had to be done.”

Oh. We have the equivalent. The Red Woman. Fire Crotch Mage. She has Jorah tell the Dothraki to lift their swords as the shrieks from the undead carry on the wind. Oh god, she’s going to light them aflame. SHE DOES. YES. FUCK THAT’S AWESOME. It’s like those mega domino falls, but with FIRE and SHRIEKING. (Look into that, kids clubs with dominoes. You’ll raise your attendance exponentially.)

The Unsullied are like, “Our spears could use a boost?” But she passes. And Ser Davos wonders if he can get an arrow to pierce her heart from 100 paces… Or maybe a little bit closer as he meets her coming in. She assures him she’ll be dead before the dawn. Magic spent? Oh ho, or maybe Arya will bring her to her Maker?

The Dothraki take off and god, it’s so thrilling. Just… they are easily my favorite warriors to watch. Give me that horseback skill, y’all. They ride out as the first wave and I have tears in my eyes? Is this normal? TREBUCHET AFLAME, and we need to bring those back. Just in regular shit. How much would you love to have a trebuchet on your car for assholes on their phones in the fast lane slowing down to 50MPH?? IT’S POSTED AT 70MPH, JOSHUA, GET OFF YOUR PHONE.

…I digress.

We get our first glimpse of the undead and it’s terrifying. We can see the flaming scimitars going out one by one until nothing. Jeeeeeeeeez. This is so perfectly shot and I’m SKEERT, Y’ALL.

NOW THEY’RE UNDEAD. OKAY COOL. Cool. We didn’t really think this through. This isn’t chess, it’s checkers. YOU ALL JUST GOT KINGED/flipped.

Oh okay, many of them are running back, but maybe we could be looking at their eyes? Check they’re alive and not turnt? JORAH RETURNS oh my god. Oh my god. His face is wild. He’s terrified. Have we seen him terrified? Ever?

And now, as the remaining men and women dampen their britches, the army of the dead emerge from the blackness. I’m just going to crawl under the table for this next bit. THEY LOOK LIKE THE DARKNESS COME TO LIFE.

Dear Walking Dead: you could never.

God, they just roll over the men. They are a wave of blades and death and battle, and Brienne takes a hit and my heart STOPS. Jaime is at her side, and then Dany is flying overhead blasting them with dragon fire but girl that is pretty indiscriminate! Jon’s there, too, and the CGI was pretty bad for a second, but oh well. Now is the time to be a soldier, take out their heavy weapons, but you KNOW they have tricks. Like controlling the climate.

Arya gives Sansa Catspaw (maybe?) and demands she go down to the crypt. Sansa actually listens and goes. (Whew.)

Winter falls hard on the soldiers even as the dragons lay waste with fire. In the sacred grove, Bran waits. It’s almost impossible to keep up with everyone, which is just how battle would be, and y’all? War is awful. I don’t know why we do it.

Sam would totally agree with me. (If he could get his wits about him and get back into the game) EDD OH NOOO. THE BOYS FROM THE WATCH! I’d whip my cap off for a moment of silence, but there is no time for that.

Sansa makes it down to the crypt but this is far different from the Battle of Blackwater Bay with a drunken Cersei and a promise to be killed before she can be raped. (Side note, clever way to get us down to the crypts from a storytelling POV.) She holes up with a Lannister again, but Tyrion is far better company.

Jon and Dany try to hang on in the storm, and I’m worried about their lack of hats. #Texan Keep the body heat in, folks! Y’all out there in winter’s chill without gloves or hats?! You want to survive the war to die of pneumonia?!

Our folks fall back behind the walls, and I wonder if they’ve all forgotten there’s a dragon on the other side, too? Grey Worm seems to remember and oh god. Grey Worm… Any chance he makes it? :( Watching the mechanics of the retreat being protected was another lovely bit of the war machine we get to see, even though my shoulders are up at my ears and my toes are curled. CAN’T WE ALL GET ALONG!? And can’t we direct dragon fire at those folks trying to kill our team at the castle wall?)

God, the Unsullied are bearing the brunt of this next wave and it’s awful. Our bought and paid for soldiers! The Dothraki! The Unsullied! I see you! [weeps and beats my chest]

Arya saves the Hound with a well-directed arrow at an Undead and he nods his thanks to her.

SERIOUSLY. THE UNDEAD ATTACKING THE UNSULLIED IS AWFUL. They light the trench as that’s as far as the Undead have come. “No fear, only Unsullied.” Bet you have fear now… Gah.

The storm is so bad Dany and Jon can’t see the signal, so the trenches have to be lit by arrow. Grey Worm, better than us all, sees the Red Woman. She could light them!! Will she? She’s taking her sweet ass time to be as Extra as possible walking out there. WOMAN USE YOUR MAGIC, FFS. Like, move with a quickness, damn.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW? NOTHING IS HAPPENING. Now that she sees her end coming—possibly before what she thought it would be?—shit lights up. Whew. (But we saw wights bend fire? How effective is this long-term?) The undead stop and stand, staring. It’s pretty damn unnerving.

Varys: At least we’re in the crypt already. I appreciate efficiency
Tyrion: I should be out there fighting.
Sansa: LOL, okay. {makes whatever fingers]
Tyrion: I could use my wits!
Sansa: Oh? Scale of 1 to 10, how deadly are wits?
Tyrion: … they could be.
Missandei: Let me remind you all I’m Team Dragon Queen for any… smack y’all might want to talk in the face of death.
Me: Fucking. Noted.

THEON DAMN GREYJOY guards Bran and apologizes for what’s happened. Bran embraces the Law of Attraction and gives him some guru advice: All of your choices led you back home.

Me: [whispers] But a lot of negative shit happened to bring him home, my guy.
Also me: [whispers] Bran said Winterfell was his home [sobs]

Bran wargs into the birds and I just wish he’d warg into an undead dragon, JUST ME?! He sees the Night King, who is holding everyone back. Interesting that a few bodies stumble into the hold. Are they trying to put out the fire??? Stack up the bodies like a cord of wood to climb over? YEP. Shit!

I mean, when your “men” are expendable, it’s time for Operation Charcoal: Get To The Gate.

Aaaaaaand now the dead have swarmed the gate. And a friend, on a dragon, shows up to spew some Death Ice (name of my sex tape).

(I mean my band.)

(No, my sex tape.)

[trombone noise]

The dead pile up at the wall, making a nice ramp of bone and sinew for the others to climb, and ha. Ha. Yeah. This is fine. Everything is fine.

Narrator: Everything was not fine.

Now we’re fighting off the undead at the parapets and the… cut out thingies (sorry, American and don’t know castle bits) and we get to see just how good Jaime is with his left hand. Not too bad! But the dead. Keep. Coming.

Y’all, Brienne has to make it. She has to. I need something good. She and Jaime fight back to back and it’s magnificent and awful and Sam is giving it all he can, but it’s not looking good long-term as the dead are an unstoppable wave over the walls. Imagine if Cersei hasn’t been a bitch and actually sent her men? IMAGINE.

Okay, it would have slowed it down some. Still! “We need every man.”

Cersei, drinking wine: I AM NO MAN.
Tywin, in his grave: YES. I KNOW.
[Cersei drinks bitterly]

The Hound, shivering, PTSD like whoa, is having a freak out while Arya is going to fucking TOWN killing and slaying and GO MURDER TEEN!! WHAT DO WE SAY TO DEATH!? Not to FUCKING day! And Ser Davos watches her and just loves every little terrifying girl in the world. And he’s the BEST DAD except for how he wasn’t really a good dad to his own kids but SPLITTING HAIRS.

AND OH SHIT A GIANT GETS LADY MORMONT! Or knocks her away!? GAH. They’re in the castle and Arya gets brained on a corner and it’s BAD with a capital B.

The Hound: “We’re fighting Death. And you can’t beat Death!
[Arya goes flying over the roof, still fighting]
The Hound: DAMMIT MY ACHILLES. I THOUGHT I LOST THOSE. [springs into action]

LADY. MORMONT. FIGHTS. A. GIANT. Who, oh my god, I’m sobbing, CRUSHES HER BODY but oh my heart! Oh my sweet murder teen #2! She dragon glasses its eye and TAKES OUT A GIANT and pardon me while I fall over and weep for this brave little girl full of honor and spunk and valor and who never quit….


And Winter fell.

Dany and Jon fly above the storm to regroup. I GUESS IT’S TIME FOR A DRAGON FIGHT. Siblings against siblings! Children against their mother! (The shot of the dragons regrouping in the clouds against the moon is freaking beautiful, by the way.)

Arya catches her breath within the castle, bloody and beaten, but not down. She’s scared, though, because she knows Death. She also knows this castle like the back of her hand and creeps through it evading the undead. This is nothing like what she’s fought before. This is mindless, unrelenting, with only one purpose: her end. Okay, this is just like her fighting the Waif, hahaha. This scene is utterly terrifying to me. It’s all so easily undone, just one sound. Like, oh, blood dripping.


She throws something to distract them and makes her escape, taking out a surprise!wight along the way. She shuts the door on the library and paints



on it. And then the rest of the dead pour in. Thanks for the chance to catch my breath, though. GO MURDER TEEN, GO!!!


Those hiding in the crypt can hear the undead above. Can you imagine? Who among you is old enough to remember M*A*S*H and the penultimate episode where Alan Alda realizes he forced that women to strangle her child, not a rooster, in order to evade capture while hiding on that bus? Because I think about that shit ALL. THE. TIME. (That traumatized me as a young child like nothing else.)

Again: WAR. [HUH] Good god, y’all, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. SAY IT AGAIN.

Tyrion is me, uncorking the wine. But they will not open the door, even though they can HEAR what’s happening outside. And then… silence. Fuck. The army of the dead grows stronger.

Beric, sword aflame, and the Hound make their ways through the halls, looking for Arya, I assume. (Being good dads.) And holy shit, a door comes crashing down, with Arya being attacked and they help her make an escape so to speak, to regroup. Clegane takes her but it’s not looking good for Beric. The Hound grabs Arya and takes off as Beric stands his ground and sacrifices himself for their escape.

[pours one out for fucking Beric Dondarrion]

Well, it was 16 times prior. So. It was a good, honorable death.

They get behind another door, surrounded by the dead, and I really wish they’d burn some bodies because that shit is going to turn on them. And they know it. (But at least Beric gets to finally rest.)

The Lord brought him back for a purpose. To save Arya, I guess? So Arya can kill Melisandre? Fire Crotch Mage reminds her that she has more killing to do, and we presume it’s the Dead. “What do we say to the god of Death?” NOT. TO. DAY.

Arya takes off running. FINALLY, SOMEONE SMART. (Hahaha)

In the Godswood, Theon leads the men to protect Bran and all who live. The Night King comes dragon fire ‘ablazing. DRAGON FIGHT! Take a holt, Jon! [/Rodeo speak] That is one bucking bronco, holy shit balls.

The Night King falls, but he can’t die. The ice dragon might be able to? Or lose his head, at least. I can’t tell which one, but one of the dragons takes out Zombie Dragon by way of biting his head almost clean off. Whoever Jon is riding? IT IS HARD TO SEE. Dany kept her mount because she’s this year’s barrel racing queen as well as queen of the seven kingdoms. Get that girl in some Justin ropers and a sash, STAT.

Oh, snap! Except we see that dragon fire can’t kill the Night King because we know he can bend fire. So even though Drogon blasts his ass, he’s not down. That would be too easy. HOW ABOUT AN ARROW, JON SNOW? I mean, I get you’re tired, but apocalypse, etc? No?

A song of Fire AND Ice. So he can take both?? Come on. That’s some Peter Stu crap. SOMEONE SHOOT THE FUCKER, HE IS RIGHT THERE. Oh, Jon’s pulling iron. THANK YOU. (Also? Surprised the Night King hasn’t done his IS THIS YOUR CARD? Magic trick to raise everyone immediately.)


(He does the thing, and Jon is trapped on the other side of the wall and he knows what’s gonna happen, RUN YOU BASTARD, I MEAN, LEGIT HEIR, RUN!)

Everyone in the castle thought they had a breath, too. NOPE. They’re all about to rise up. JESUS. BURN THE BODIES. LADY MORMONT. THE DOTHRAKI.


Like, can the sun just come up??

GAAAAAAAAH the Craster Kin-turned-Wights all showed up, shit is WAKING UP IN THE CRYPTS (we all called it) and everything is terrible times infinity?? Aren’t the bodies in the crypts boiled? SANSA, WILL YOU SAVE US WITH CATSPAW?

So. This is unwinnable. Right? I mean, they’re establishing that the undead have a plus 10 bag of power and oh shit, right, dragons, who show up and save Jon, at least. But we still have that “whoever dies immediately joins my team” card the Night King keeps playing, and can someone throw a Skip card?? THEY’RE ATTACKING THE DRAGON AND THE DRAGONS ARE ENDANGERED SPECIES WHAT THE FUCK.

Drogon, noooooooo! He’s covered like they’re leeches. Dany watches in horror, then realizes they’re all around her, and she’s unprotected. AND. THEN. JORAH. FUCKING MORMONT COMES TO HER RESCUE BECAUSE THAT STALKER BITCH LOVES HIS KHALEESI.

You think he’d take his eyes off her, you fools? You simpletons!?! YOU DUM-DUMS? THAT IS NOT HOW UNHEALTHY STALKERS ROLL.


Okay, Brienne, still with us. Sam, barely. Grey Worm, hanging on. Many of these undead shouldn’t still come back because everyone has dragon glass, I thought? But hmm. Bran, meanwhile, is on a Royal Caribbean cruise via warg, and it would be nice to get some direction as Theon fights for Bran’s life. (So brave! THEON DAMN GREYJOY.)

So! Down in the crypts, it’s a nightmare, thanks!

Sansa and Tyrion are hiding, and I really need them to cowboy the fuck up. They know it. They’re bracing themselves for it. Okay, Sansa doesn’t have Catspaw, but some dragon glass. She and Tyrion share a moment, he kisses her hand, and I AM ABOUT TO BE REALLY UPSET.

We are fighting for our lives here. And since it feels that way every day of my damn life, can I just have SOMETHING to look forward to? Some hope? Something??

Tyrion see Varys protecting the children, Jon is fighting siege after siege, dragon fights against dragon, Theon’s barely keeping Bran alive, and Bran is… downloading fucking torrents somewhere.


Sam, crying, is me. And the Night King marches on. Cool.

Oh… shit, Theon has killed everyone? Oh. No, he hasn’t. Here comes the night. And Bran shows back up. IS THEON GOING TO MAKE AN ATTEMPT ON THE NIGHT KING?? God, what an arc, if so. Bran tells him he’s a good man, and pardon me while I weep the last of my tears. “Thank you.”

NOPE HAD A FEW HUNDRED MORE FOR THEON DAMN GREYJOY. Who goes out like a goddamn hero in service of his family.

Mommy, my tummy hurts.

Oh, he just gets to bleed out. Cool. Cool, cool.


I get it! We’ve killed the world, humans! We did this to ourselves! The Night King is nature, and she’s WIPING US OUT. Pardon me while I drink myself to death and set myself on fire like the TEEVEES TOLD ME TO.

(The music is gorgeous. I hate everything.)

Actually me. (Ha, this is from when Oberyn Martell was TAKEN FROM ME). I divorced this man, who laughed at my anguish.

Bran and the Night King have a staring contest and then

Oh my god.

ARYA. FUCKING. MURDER TEEN. STARK. Leaps like a VALKYRIE out of nowhere and KILLS THE FUCKER WITH CATSPAW. (She stuck him with the pointy end!!)

And the DEAD.



I am sobbing. Guys I am on the edge of living. YALL IS THIS LIFE? IS THIS JUST FANTASY? CAUGHT IN A LANDSLIDE, NO ESCAPE FROM REALITY of those who have maybe been mortally wounded.

Oh god.


Okay, Dany crying over Jorah is me. Drogon comes to purr and protect because he’s a VERY GOOD BOY.

Melisandre walks out of the castle, Ser Davos watching her six, as she takes off her necklace. The flame goes out of the jewel and her magic fades. He sees her wizened, aged body as she crumples and dies.


I can’t breathe? Holy. Shitballs.

I’m not even going to edit this. I’m just going to post. Y’all, that was some intense TV. I need to watch Arya Freaking Stark forty-seven more times before it sinks in.

Help me?

Oh shit. Now we have to fight Cersei and her bitches. Are we fired up and ready or are we weary and in need of a month’s sleep??

(Remember, any newcomers who are book readers: I am UNSULLIED and goodness knows there’s enough to talk about in this episode without going into book talk, bless you, I love you, thank you.)


(Also, want more emotional flailing? Follow my twitter!)

Continues here with The Last of the Starks!