Hey so that was stressful and suspenseful and also FILLED WITH DRUNKEN, HORNY JOY and then LOTS OF GASPING IN HORROR. Let’s get straight to it.
Omg, the damaged inner workings on Winterfell in the opening credits! I’ve so appreciated how well the show has kept me riveted to the freaking opening credits this entire run. Am I the only person who NEVER fast forwards?? I blame my childhood of watching Sesame Street for my fascination with moving parts. [I mean, it’s the freaking POINTER SISTERS.]
JORAH! Look. I get that he’s the Ultimate Nice Guy. I tooooootally get that he’s That Guy on paper. But Iain Glen pulled my attention from the very start and kept it until the bitter end. And here he is, laid to rest with the kiss he always longed for. A throaty KHALEESI rides on the wind from beyond the vail, like his yellow shirt once did when it was clean and pure.
My goodness, I almost didn’t recognize that it was Theon we were seeing as Sansa wept over him. He’s clean and free of the many, many burdens he carried, whether they were justified or not. Oh! HE’S A STAAAAAARK. Pardon me while I weep for sixty-four minutes. Wow, those piles of the dead are something to behold. My lands. (Poor Ghost with his ouchies!)
My… god. Is that all that’s left? Or just all that’s left still at Winterfell? Good lord. Mostly wiped out, huh? It’s appropriate to have this extended moment of silence to lend weight to all that’s been lost – and all that’s been accomplished. (And all left to achieve!)
Let’s Get Pissed!
Loooool at the Hound calling out Gendry for being hornt. And now the path is clear for Arya to get with him on a level now that he’s Lord of Storm’s End—a freaking kick ass name to a hold, if ever there was one. (And Sansa watching these pieces move on the board verrrrry carefully is proof of how far she’s come. She grew up at the knee of Cersei and Littlefinger, she knows political plotting when she sees it.)
AHHHHH JAIME GETTING BRIENNE TURNT! The old “drinking game” ploy to lower your intended’s defenses and get some smooches… [Disney’s “Tale as old as time” plays softly]
Davos: So. Gods.
Tyrion: I find them fascinating creatures.
Davos: We do all this shit for them, at their whim, then they turn your enemy into dust before you can kill them in Their Name.
Tyrion: We literally just killed our enemy? Long Night? Ever hear of it?
Davos: I said “my enemy”.
Tyrion: You said “your”.
Davos: [stink eyes]
Tyrion: So you didn’t kill Melisandre?
Davos: That I did not. [chugs wine]
Speaking of.. Tormund (Gjödkr the Giãnt F?ckër) does a keg stand while everyone drinks a toast to Arya who is noticeably missing. Noticeable to One Fella In Particular, the blacksmith with hearts in his eyes…
HEY HOW GREAT IS IT WHEN ALL THE GUYS TALK ABOUT SHIT DANY DID FIRST BUT ATTRIBUTE IT TO JON? (Okay, she didn’t die and come back, but she did set herself on fire a few times. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.) How’s that isolation taste, Dany? When your one friend died and left you at the party…
And if I may… (I may. I pay the rent here) I know people are REALLY EAGER to make Dany the Mad King, when she CLEARLY is just angry and frustrated. Mad = madness. HEY WE HAVE A QUEEN WHO FITS THAT, ONE WHO LITERALLY BURNINATED HER CITY AND PEOPLE OUT OF PETTY REVENGE, and her name rhymes with Shmersay Flannister.
Don’t fall into the trap. I see this sort of “ugh, I can’t believe the show is doing that” when literally? The show? Isn’t? At all??? It’s not a perfect piece of literature on screen, but it’s also not dumbing things down into pat boxes like so many assume. JUST HOLD ON. GIVE IT A SECOND. WE STILL HAVE MORE SHOW, FFS.
I am LIVING for Brienne, Tyrion, Pod and Jaime’s drinking game. Have we ever seen Brienne smile like this? And the answer is of course not. No one has, and they’re all riveted by it. One in particular, and if they go here, my soul will ascend to a higher plane.
“Now, which one of you cowards shit in my pants?” GOD DAMMIT TORMUND, YOU MAGNIFICENT, COARSE BEAST. He’s so perfectly written as everything I love in a boorish, boastful, lustful dude. This is an acceptable way to dude, in my opinion.
Speaking of beasts, HOW ABOUT THE HOUND? And Sansa? LITTLE BIRD! But I would like to take another STRENUOUS NOTE here: the gee dang hand-waving of Sansa’s ongoing rape and sexual assault (not to mention Theon’s throughout the years) is incredibly upsetting. YES I KNOW the show set a precedent for not giving two shits about sexual assault survivors both on the show and those watching, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like it.
“Broken in?” Okay, I can buy an asshole like the Hound saying that. That’s in character for misanthrope like him. But Sansa’s bland rebuttal when Sansa has NO ISSUE now saying what she really thinks?? She’s working with what she’s given, and this is the “bad writing” everyone likes to put on the show. This moment. If you’re going to Con of Thrones this July, join me and a panel to ONCE AGAIN talk about how the show got it wrong and how we can all do better! Finally: bleh.
OH GOD, GENDRY. HOLD YOUR CARDS MY GUY. Just laying them all on the table. I want us to be a FAMILY and get married on a MOUNTAIN TOP with herbs and flowers and I’ll make you a PERSONAL THRONE to rest your cute Murder Teen butt upon and we’re going to have BABIES and make a FAMILY BAND and DAVOS WILL BE OUR TOUR MANAGER!
Arya: Oh, bless your heart.
I’m so here for the gender norm subversion. See??? Show??? You can get this shit right!! “I’m not a lady.” I mean, she told him when they FIRST MET.
IS JAIME GONNA BONE A NON-CERSEI? Oh my dear sweet little eight pound baby Craster, he is. Brienne is me! HER EYES. MY EYES. MY HEART. JAIME. OH. MY. GOD.
ALL THE GODS. THE OLD AND THE NEW.
[funky bass line of a Lannister boning a NON-RELATIVE for once]
Give me a moment.
Give me ninety-seven moments.
Okay. Now we can “witness” the “love” that Dany “has” for Jon. Suuuuuure. Her begging reads more about losing her end goal than anything about love and their relationship. Aaaaand I’m right.
Now that we’re getting down to brass tacks about the battle at King’s Landing, she’s clearly loaded for bear and looking for a target. Sansa is a good one to aim at, from her perspective, but the problem is that Sansa is right. It’s not JUST the Northerners who need to rest. It’s her men, too. If I may, Dany can see her end goal—the culmination of her entire life—is just! right! There!! She’s ready to get a damn move on, and she’s not really interested in her potential sister-in-law’s interference. Jon is quick to keep that good, good lovin’ coming and assures her HE GOT YOU, BOO.
Arya’s eyebrow gets a workout, then she pulls him aside for convo, hanging the STARK FAMILY ONLY sign on the door.
Jon: If you only trust the people you grow up with, you won’t make many allies.
Arya: THAT’S THE IDEA
Sansa: We Starks need—
Jon: (coughing fit)
Bran: [blows the Riccola horn]
Jon: As you wish.
Bran: Nooooooow here’s a little story all about how our lives’ll get flipped, turned upside down. I’d like to take a minute while I sit in my chair to tell you all about how Jon is Targaryen’s heir.
So. Jaime did a full redemption, eh? Got his knight in shining armor and is gonna sit out this whole “battle his twin to the death” thing? Hmm. Not buying it. But that’s the point, I’m sure.
BUT SIR BRONN OF THE BLACKWATER SHOWS UP WITH CERSEI’S CROSSBOW!! Oh SHIT. Oh crap. He came to chew gum and kill Lannister boys, and he’s all out of gum. And who the hell is on watch?! Jesus. He just waltzed right in and he means business.
IF I MAY. Bronn strikes me as the guy who is CLEARLY in over his head. He knows messing with the Lannisters was the wrong choice, aside from Tyrion of course, and he’s painted himself in a corner. He strikes me as a man acting out of pure desperation, a middleman who works for the mob who knows they’re about to sacrifice him for insurance money, but he’s going to keep trying to play the game the same way and get a different outcome. Prediction: Bronn is taken out. I will be shocked if he manages to slip away, and that’s the only other outcome I can see for him. He’s a marked man, and he’ll have to change his name, witness protection, the whole Goodfellas act.
Okay, so the Hound and Arya slipping away to assassinate their targets, the Mountain for him and Cersei for her, right? Also they’re my favorite Buddy Cop duo since Pod and Brienne.
I appreciated the Tyrion/Sansa scene as well, and Sansa isn’t wrong. (Neither is he, though, and I appreciate that about the story.)
Oh my gosh, Ghost’s ear!! Poor baby. And speaking of babies… SAMWELL RED LEADER PORKINS GAMGEE TARLEY. You sly dog. And… uh. Jon? Pet your fucking dog goodbye.
SHIT. So Sansa spilled the beans to Tyrion? YOU SWORE, SANSA!! I mean, okay this is huge, but this is potentially treasonous as Jon doesn’t really want a throne of any kind and is Ned Stark 2.0. HE’S GONNA TELL HER HE TOLD YOU. And lol, Varys doing exactly what Dany said would happen. Those damn outsiders….
LET’S TALK VARYS for a second. Because I firmly believe now after thinking on it that he’s going straight ot a public execution. They’ve been foreshadowing this for a looooong time. Unless the people rise up and throw off the mantle of government that exists and the wheel is properly broken… His whole “I exist for the realm” has no real power to it. (Hey, just like in the real world! [sobs]) And he is in open rebellion to the Queen. I think it would be fitting for a Little Bird (Not Sansa, but that would be amazing) to whisper about him and it be his undoing. And if it goes that way, it will have been justified. (And I believe he would see it that way, too.)
BACK TO OUTSIDERS, WHOA. Interlopers at Dragonstone with the death harpoon! Rhaegal!! Oh god that was terrible. that was magnificently done and horrifying to witness. THEY ARE ENDANGERED DANGEROUS CREATURES. Euron with a hidden fleet, and no DRACARYS to burninate those assholes?? Dany what is you playing at? Tyrion continues to be the luckiest sonofabitch around, barely escaping the harpoons as they’re turned onto the fleet.
…or is he?? Whew. He is. Lol. Tyrion isn’t going out like that.
Dany’s troops shamble onto the beach as Grey Worm searches desperately for Missandei. (All my cries!)
Euron simpers and oozes at Cersei’s knee like a pus-filled anal polyp as King’s Landing fills with peasants eager to escape “the Usurper.” Yeah, she’s pulling the “I’m having Jai— er, your baby, my one true love, Euron” card as well as using the peasants as a buffer for Dany’s troops.
Operation: Get Behind the Poors is a go.
OH SHIT THEY HAVE MISSANDEI. Cersei reaaaaaaally wants to provoke Dany into going Full Targaryen.
Varys: Cersei wants you to do the thing.
Dany: [seethes] yes.
Varys: Don’t do the thing.
Dany: But how about this: I do the thing?
Varys: Hey. Hey now. Or. Orrrrrr? You don’t?
Dany: Right, right. But have you considered: I do the thing?
Varys: But you’ve said your destiny is to be the one who DOES NOT do the thing.
Dany: Exactly. If I do the thing, then the thing no longer can be done. See?
Tyrion: You can do all of these other things! I made a list!
Dany: But hear me out: I could just do the thing?
Varys: [tugs neckline]
Dany: FIIIINE. Maybe I get word out that it is CERSEI is is trying to do the thing…
Varys: … and then you don’t do the thing?
Dany: And then I don’t do the thing.
Varys: What was that?
Tyrion: McScuse me?
Varys: Well then. Plan B. Jon?
Tyrion: Hmm. Still not on that page.
Me: CAN DANY RULE IN KL AND JON IN THE NORTH? It’s so fucking simple, my gooooodddddd.
But shout out to Varys and his dedication to the Common Man. Someone needs to look out for us.
In Winterfell, Jaime hears the news that Cersei, through Euron, Walking Dick Pic, has gained the upper hand. Seems like Jaime is the perfect assassin. Except for that whole “I’ll fight you left handed! If you stand still and are very drunk…” thing. Ooooh, how marvelous would a two-handed Kingslayer against this watery upstart would have been!
Brienne catches him trying to slip out. Just like that, eh? No note? And you’re walking into a losing battle. Oh, Brienne. “Stay here. Stay with me.” MY HEART. And Jaime comes clean. He knows who he is and who Cersei is. “She’s hateful. And so am I.”
And Brienne bursts into tears because she knows it’s true. There’s no magic vag that can cure a man of his sins. (But oh, she loved him. She also knows he’s going to die.)
Gah, the harpoons mounted on the city walls! It’s Hand-to-Hand combat, a verbal sparring of sycophant to adviser, but Frankenmaester is all in. He’s sipped the Kool-aid, and has a hip flask to keep his spirits high and focused on Cersei, who gave him everything he ever wanted (unconditional experimentation).
Tyrion walks off mid-rant and approaches the wall and his sister. Bold, uh, bold move. She haaaates you, dude. As he gets her in the Achilles, “I’m thinking about the world for your unborn child”, I love that the line “a lion still has claws” is the unspoken lyric in the overlapping musical interlude.
Cersei gets those claws in Missandei’s arm, asking her to give her last words.
Cersei assumes it’s the frightened word of the walking dead. But we know. And so does Tyrion. The Mountain does his terrible deed and like Grey Worm, I turned away.
Oh, Missandei. Oh you brilliant, loyal, beautiful, kind soul.Dany, shocked, then furious, gets it under control. After all, she needs a steady hand to pull the trigger. And it seems Tyrion made the wrong choice.
We’ll find out next week.
Holy smokes you guys. Let’s talk! (SHOW talk, not BOOK talk, yo soy Unsullied, etc. etc. I love you all fiercely. Also, want more emotional flailing? Follow my twitter!)
Next: THE BELLS.