NOT HERE FOR IT, MISOGYNISTS. Lol.
Hey so that was stressful and suspenseful and also FILLED WITH DRUNKEN, HORNY JOY and then LOTS OF GASPING IN HORROR. Let’s get straight to it. Continue reading
Previously: WE ALL LOST OUR DAMN MINDS (in the best of ways!). We open with Stannis’ men chin deep in the snow, but I guess Fire Crotch Mage doesn’t need a coat? She’s all casually wandering outside in the bitterness when there’s an attack on the camp, most of the tents going up in flames, and a HORSE RUNNING WHILST ON FIRE HORSEY NOOOOOOOO!
Raise your hand if you thought that was a dream? Now slap your face with it because THAT. JUST. HAPPENED. Come on, Davos. Come the hell on, Fire Crotch Mage! WHERE IS THE SECURITY BREACH!?
ACTUAL PICTURE OF MELISSANDRE, AKA FIRE CROTCH MAGE, LOVER OF THE LORD OF LIGHT.
First off, I want to thank Super Reader Tran for the generous donation to keep the website going! We have our yearly bill coming up, so it was timely and very appreciated. THANK YOU!
But back to GoT… Previously! My daughter just saw the Harpy on the Merreen pyramid and said, “Boob eagle!” So in my head, that’s what I’m calling them from now on. Look, you understand religion in your way, let me understand it in mine. Interesting to note that only one of the Westeros religions praises sex while the others condemn it. But I’m getting ahead of myself…
A LOT happened this episode, and if you don’t think these first four eps are the tightest the of the show’s history, then:
HOW VERY DARE YOU
ETA: And as always, be sure to read through our AWESOME, SPOILER FREE comments section, where some of the liveliest convos are happening. (I have a few theories about Specific Name Dropping in them, for example!)
Previously! Can I just say that from a writing/story-telling perspective, this season just might be the tightest? The flawless transitions from character to country and back again, moving all around the globe to tell a cohesive, forward-moving narrative is outstanding. And again, I’m not a book reader, this ain’t the place for book talk, so from an “I only know what I see onscreen each week” perspective, I’m seriously loving season five. (Reminder I’m Unsullied, please please leave book talk to other websites please and thank you and forehead kisses.)
Our little Cinder earning her keep.
And my hat’s off to the set designers, both physical and CGI because damn. We lead off with a beautiful opening shot of a dank room lined with statues of the old kings? The old sigils? Was that a lion’s head? A drowned man, oh, I recognize the weirwood god… And a fire burns within a stone heart. (Same. That would be my House’s sigil. Ha, I’m kidding, it would be a hand grasping for a mostly empty wine bottle, obv.) Continue reading
Previously! Thought before we get into it: someone somewhere mentioned that Podrick had shown proficiency with regards to knowing banners, sigils, etc, so why on earth didn’t he notice House Tully passing? My guess, but I couldn’t make it out on my giant-ass tv screen for certain, is that the sigil waving on those flags was Littlefinger’s newly chosen sigil: the Mockingbird. Podrick wouldn’t know about it. Thoughts? Well, save them until the end, we have VERY IMPORTANT STUFF to talk about first!
A MAN needs some chapstick.
Like how Braavos steampunk-moustrap was back on the map! And it’s because Arya is finally entering the city! (Love the lore about the Titan coming to life and smashing enemies in days of old. I’m going to love these books when I finally get to read them, aren’t I?) And hey, there’s your reminder that I am UNSULLIED. Do not—I beg of you—discuss the books here, neither overt nor veiled. Be cool. Literally the rest of the internet is for you book readers. But down here, it’s our [non-reader] time. It’s our time down here. [Obligatory Goonies reference] Continue reading
Previously! OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. YOU GUISE!! YOUS GEZE I AM SO HAPPY THE SHOW IS BACK GAME OF THRONES IS BACK AND MY TRIBE IS BACK AND THE OPENING HAD THE EYRIE!! And Winterfell wasn’t a ruin! OHO. I have no idea what that means, I’m just excited. Wait. Waaaaaaait.
FLAYED MAN ALERT!
Le gasp!! BOLTONS! [/Newman!] Continue reading
Arya Stark, winner of the Most Grizzled Player award
[Previously.] I AM COMPLETELY SATISFIED. Hunnert percent. If you wanna complain about that season ender, you can go find elsewhere, because I am dancing around in my house with my hands on my cheeks, blown away. My husband has a bruise on his arm from me slapping it and saying, “Oh my god!” I can officially say that I had no frakkin’ idea that like, most of that would happen. EXCEPT. I totally called one thing, and I cannot believe I was right.
I know nothing about the books, as you all should know, so for me, an Unsullied, this was a great wrap up leaving me excited for Season Five. GAH, keeping spoilers from above the cut is making me crazy, let’s get to it. Continue reading
Previously! Okay, that was a lie. Right? That wasn’t an hour? THAT WAS NOT AN HOUR. The first person who complains about this episode being filler gets my boot to the nethers.
It’s a little LoTR, but I don’t care. This is BEAUTIFUL. Legit shivers over this.
If I was going to sum up my reactions, it would have been excitement over a new place on our opening map, exclamations at the cool shots of Braavos, and a lot of crying over Tyrion—seriously, that brought me to tears—and a wonder at why all of my favorite “warnings” were listed when it was just tits in a hot tub? Pfft. I CALL THAT A TUESDAY, OKAY? Also, dibs on the band name “Tits in a Hot Tub.” OH MY GOD. I JUST REMEMBERED RAMSAY. Riiiiight. Tits on a Ramsay. Reek! JFC, click the link and let’s talk because I need you. Continue reading
Previously! Question…why was Dragonstone in the opening and not the Eryie? The Vale was such a neat model; I would have liked to have seen that. Know what I was wincing through, wishing I didn’t have to see? ALL THE BAD BOOB SUCKER STUFF. Gah. Wow, did I forget how creepy Aunt Lysa is, and I am actually sorry for freaking Petyr Baelish for having to marry her. That nastiness is strong, Lysa. STRONG.
GET IT OFF ME. BURN IT.
And you’re welcome for me not grabbing your arm and screaming into your ear: HOLY SHEEP SHORTS, CRASTER’S KEEP!! like I did to my husband. Look, he agreed to “for better or worse,” and it’s not my fault he gets the worst more than the better. I’m just enthusiastic in my fannishness, okay? Oh, and raise your hand if you – like me – are shipping Oberyn and Cersei like they’re a gee dee Spanish Armada? Continue reading
Oh, was this show coming back? I almost forgot about it.
! Blood! Mayhem! My learning the most valuable lesson of all: if you love it, it will be brutally murdered in front of your face.
Good lesson, that. Wow, does the Red Wedding still hurt. *pounds chest* Also, the show’s “Previously” led seamlessly into a bee-you-tea-ful moment with a certain someone’s broadsword. [Player Ned Stark has entered the Game!] Continue reading