WHY WASN’T THIS 2 HOURS LONG. WHYYYY.
Romans are dying horribly in a number of firey miserable ways. From the shadows, Gannicus struts out, sword in hand, telling a dying man to warn all his bros to free their slaves or they’ll all be killed. How is he going to warn people if he’s dead? Gannicus, your logic is not of the earth logic. Half-Dead Guy asks who he is, and Gannicus announces that he is actually Spartacus.
Gannicus, that is a dirty fib.
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Tagged Agron, Crassus, Crixus, Cynthia Addai-Robinson, Dan Feuerriegel, Dustin Clare, Ellen Hollman, Gannicus, I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS LUDUS, Jenna Lind, Kore, Liam McIntyre, Manu Bennett, Naevia, Nasir, Pana Hema Taylor, Saxa, Simon Merrells, Spartacus, Spartacus: War of the Damned, Starz, Steven DeKnight: History's Greatest Monster, sword and sandal smackdown, tiny gladiator panties, wailing orgy guitars
I CAN’T EVEN GET THROUGH THE “PREVIOUSLY” WITHOUT WAILING.
Late night, and a small squad of Roman soldiers are roasting a hare over an open fire, out in the middle of nowhere. The leader dude grumps about having to share one small animal between 6 men for dinner, but dude, I assure you that this will shortly be the least of your problems. One of the other soldiers glances out into the pitch black night surrounding their tiny fire and tells the first dude to lower his voice. Leader Dude will not be silenced! He is no whimpering child, to be afraid of the darkness!
Well, you see, soldier dude – it’s not the darkness you should be afraid of. It’s what the darkness conceals.
THE NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF REBELS
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Sparty and the rebel army are trudging through the forest on the far side of Melia Ridge. Everyone is tired and hungry and footsore and pretty damn miserable, so naturally this is when a small band of Roman soldiers once again attempts to engage a rearguard attack. What a bunch of bastards.
romans are ruiners they ruin things
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Tagged Agron, Christian Antidormi, Crassus, Crixus, Cynthia Addai-Robinson, Dan Feuerriegel, Dustin Clare, Ellen Hollman, Gannicus, I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS LUDUS, Jenna Lind, Kore, Liam McIntyre, Manu Bennett, Naevia, Nasir, Pana Hema Taylor, Saxa, Simon Merrells, Spartacus, Spartacus: War of the Damned, Starz, Steven DeKnight: History's Greatest Monster, sword and sandal smackdown, Tiberius, tiny gladiator panties, wailing orgy guitars
I know there are a lot of spoilers out there right now, so I’d appreciate it if we could stay relatively spoiler-free in the comments! Barn door, horse, etc.
The rebels are freezing their perky little butts off on the ridge above Sinuessa. To make matters even worse, Crassus’ men have set up a series of simple but highly effective breastworks atop the wall across the entire length of the massive trench, such that any attempts at crossing are met with swift and stabby death. The trench itself is already littered with bodies, from the most recent engagement. Temporarily defeated, the rebels stagger back towards their encampment; Sparty directs Agron to figure out how many of their people died during what he assumes will be a pause in the fighting. Oh how wrong he is.
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Tagged Agron, Christian Antidormi, Crassus, Crixus, Cynthia Addai-Robinson, Dan Feuerriegel, Dustin Clare, Ellen Hollman, Gannicus, I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS LUDUS, Jenna Lind, Kore, Liam McIntyre, Manu Bennett, Naevia, Nasir, Pana Hema Taylor, Saxa, Simon Merrells, Spartacus, Spartacus: War of the Damned, Starz, Steven DeKnight: History's Greatest Monster, sword and sandal smackdown, Tiberius, tiny gladiator panties, wailing orgy guitars
Picking up right where we left off last week, the Roman soldiers under Crassus’ command have just smashed in the front gate at Sinuessa. Everything is helpfully on fire, thanks to Caesar’s interference. Saxa, Donar, and Agron square up in front of the onslaught despite Caesar’s snarky reminder at them to run. YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF THEM, CAESAR!
FITE!
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Tagged Agron, Christian Antidormi, Crassus, Crixus, Cynthia Addai-Robinson, Dan Feuerriegel, Dustin Clare, Ellen Hollman, Gannicus, I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS LUDUS, Jenna Lind, Kore, Liam McIntyre, Manu Bennett, Naevia, Nasir, Pana Hema Taylor, Saxa, Simon Merrells, Spartacus, Spartacus: War of the Damned, Starz, sword and sandal smackdown, Tiberius, tiny gladiator panties, wailing orgy guitars
Blood. There’s just gallons and gallons of blood everywhere. More blood than we’ve seen since the slaughter in the ludus in season one. Nasir and Donar are stacking up the Roman dead on the shelves in Ennius’ horreum, with the rest hanging from the ceiling like sides of meat. It’s quite gory and repulsive – far too gory and repulsive to screenshot, really, so here instead is a whimsical gif of a little bunny eating a flower. You may need to refer back to this gif many times during this episode, for mental health purposes.
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Tagged Agron, Christian Antidormi, Crassus, Crixus, Cynthia Addai-Robinson, Dan Feuerriegel, Dustin Clare, Ellen Hollman, Gannicus, I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS LUDUS, Jenna Lind, Kore, Liam McIntyre, Manu Bennett, Naevia, Nasir, Pana Hema Taylor, Saxa, Simon Merrells, Spartacus, Spartacus: War of the Damned, Starz, sword and sandal smackdown, Tiberius, tiny gladiator panties, wailing orgy guitars
It is going to be very difficult to recap this CRAZY INTENSE EPISODE while sober so I’m just going to start drinking now. You have been warned.
Herocleo, Castus, and the rest of the pirates are unloading their stores onto the port of Sinuessa En Valle as Spartacus and Crixus arrive, arguing over the Roman prisoners once again. Crixus is rapidly losing his patience with Sparty’s determination to see everyone fed, especially the prisoners – he’s pretty sure they have more important things to worry about, like the impending arrival of Crassus and his legions, for example. Sparty ends the argument by simply walking away, and Crixus gives his back an extremely constipated look of grumpiness.
grr
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Attius is busy in his smithy, melting down all the slave shackles and hammering them into swords for the rebellion. Everyone agrees that this is wonderfully symbolic, and Attius decides this is encouragement enough to ask for a bit more coin for his efforts. Spartacus smiles an evil little grin and jokes that surely the knowledge that he’s doing a wonderful thing for the rebellion is payment enough, right? Attius makes a sad panda face, and Gannicus cackles obnoxiously at his old friend’s failed stratagem.
YOUR FACE SIR, it is ridiculous
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Tagged Agron, Christian Antidormi, Crassus, Crixus, Cynthia Addai-Robinson, Dan Feuerriegel, Dustin Clare, Ellen Hollman, Gannicus, Liam McIntyre, Manu Bennett, Naevia, Nasir, Pana Hema Taylor, Saxa, Simon Merrells, Spartacus, Spartacus: War of the Damned, Starz, sword and sandal smackdown, Tiberius, tiny gladiator panties, wailing orgy guitars
GLADIATOR TRAINING SEQUENCE, EVERYONE DRINKS!
Naevia is giving Diotimos the swordsmanship lesson of his lifetime. Even though they’re just using wooden practice swords, he’s fighting for his life against the sheer force of her goddamn awesomeness. It only takes her about 2-3 fancypants gladiator-style moves to upend him on his butt in the mud, at which point she grins at him in a manner that can only be described as devilish, and snarks that “it’s not as easy as butchering a horse, is it?”
RAWR!
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Tagged Agron, Christian Antidormi, Crassus, Crixus, Cynthia Addai-Robinson, Dan Feuerriegel, Dustin Clare, Ellen Hollman, Gannicus, Liam McIntyre, Manu Bennett, Naevia, Nasir, Pana Hema Taylor, Saxa, Simon Merrells, Spartacus, Spartacus: War of the Damned, Starz, sword and sandal smackdown, Tiberius, tiny gladiator panties, wailing orgy guitars
Our first scene opens with a bloody battlefield atop a hill, covered in mangled corpses! YAY. As far as I can tell, all the dead are Roman soldiers. In the lowlands below, the fighting continues in earnest. A trio of messengers run up to report that Spartacus’ cavalry has broken through the western flank. Cossinius, Praetor and commander of the army, orders that the signal be given to reform the infantry to the south, but of course, it’s TOO LATE.
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Tagged Agron, Christian Antidormi, Crassus, Crixus, Cynthia Addai-Robinson, Dan Feuerriegel, Dustin Clare, Ellen Hollman, Gannicus, Liam McIntyre, Manu Bennett, Naevia, Nasir, Pana Hema Taylor, Saxa, Simon Merrells, Spartacus, Spartacus: War of the Damned, Starz, sword and sandal smackdown, Tiberius, tiny gladiator panties, wailing orgy guitars