”We last left our ladies at a tea party where Taylor tried to get all up in Lisa’s face for not wanting to be best friends, when Camille Grammer put everybody in check by saying that it was time to address the Russell-pound elephant in the hit your wife in the face room. Continue reading
Lisa is simply too funny and charming to be the Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan , no matter how much the editors want me to think it. Also, Lisa would never wear a jeweled turban.
Hey, who’s ready to talk about a dead guy? Everyone involved in this show. But Russell does get a little defense, and Taylor is going a little bananas so that evens it out? Also the Bickersons return!
Psychic: "I see a dark & shadowy man creeping into your life." Kyle: "Um, that's just a painting."
You know how you and your gal pals (or guy pals, let’s not be exclusive) have Wine Wednesday, or Bunco Friday, or Drink Until We’re Numb Sunday? Fun times where you get together, crack open a box of wine, shake the cheese can over some Saltines, and just get loose? The girls of Beverly Hills do, too! Just you know, with caviar and champagne and personal manservants and instead of going to Cheddar’s or Lisa’s double-wide, they have it at a Plastic Surgeon’s office.
It’s Paul’s Night of Beauty! (Translation: lasers and Botox.) Continue reading
Worst Cirque du Soleil ever.
The big party with dancing camels and genetically modified fish women and free bags of money for everyone is this episode! And who else noticed that Dana wasn’t invited? Obviously Brandi wouldn’t be, but you know Dana had started dropping hints left and right for the chance. She just wants to go on this journey with them, you guys. Forever. It puts the La Mer on its skin, or else it gets the laser again.
You know what it takes to look Hollywood fabulous? Millions of dollars. This equipment BELONGS to one of the housewives. This is in her HOUSE.
Mean girl party! The richest old dude you’ve ever seen! And I bet you thought for a minute, yeah, I’d hit that for his palace, don’t front.
A white Bentley convertible rounds the majestic lion’s head fountain that spits out nothing less than Chablis and pulls up to the front door of Adrienne’s home. It’s Lisa VanderRidiculous. She lives across the street, might I add. Continue reading
"No, I don't care what you want, Kevin, I envision folding chairs on the lawn and a puppy pen over in this dirrection for everyone's fur babies."
We last left our ladies clawing and scratching each other’s eyes out at Dana’s “extravagant” Game Night party. It was Kyle and Kim against Brandi, and Brandi claimed that Kim kept sneaking off to the bathroom to get high or drunk, whichever, she was altered. They jumped down Brandi’s throat and started calling her a bitch and a whore, as you do in these situations.
This should sum everything up from the night.
Andy Cohen waxes philosophic about Greek tragedies and the inner mind of man, and the women wonder if he’s actually using English or if this is just something he says in his own language to warm up. Continue reading
Kyle: HOW DARE YOU CALL US OUT ON THINGS THAT ARE 100% TRUE! Kim: I like pretty planes, Rosa bring me the picture albums, TREEEE!
Last week we met Dana Wilkey, of the $25,000 sunglasses and super-nova-sized ego. Kim was drunkenly dressing up her maid to relive her glory days, and Brandi made frenemies with everyone. But they were all smiles as they judged one another. Enough butt sniffing, let’s get to the dog fight. Continue reading
"I'm not Italian? No, no, Albie, she's a big girl, let her answer. How am I not Italian? Not Italian how? Like, what, I'm Scandinavian? You lookin' at me and thinkin' of allen wrenches and birch wood? NOT ITALIAN HOW, TERESA, ya freakin' mutt, HOW AM I NOT ITALIAN?"
It’s the season finale! We’re reminded that Italians are a passionate breed, that everyone kissed and made up by the end of the last episode, and all was well. The problems of the world had been solved, French fries had no fat, and science had shown that watching reality tv could increase your life expectancy by five years. IT WAS CAMELOT.
So this should be an hour of joyful laughing and loving, right? Riiiiiight? Continue reading
I don't know how to say this, I'm...kind of a big deal. I have many leather-bound books and my library smells of rich mahogany.
Kyle and Taylor wobble on their Jimmy Choos across someone’s thoughtless gravel drive for a lunch date. Their hostess isn’t ready for them yet, as she’s still working with a dress maker and jeweler. She greets them in a boob-hugging beaded gown and tiara. As one does for lunch. Continue reading