So this happened. (Deleted scene, whew.)
We pick back up with Mike being a scuzzball and hanging all over Snooki, we’re post deep throating with Pauly and Deena (no, really. Guys, I know.) and I think I’ve figured out why she falls over all the damn time. Continue reading
There are three classes of people: those who see. Those who see when they are shown. And friggin' classless losers."
It is finally here, re-imagined Italians butting up against the Real Deal. We have to put up with Mike the Situation, but he gets knocked out in later episodes for being La Douche Vita. Uncle Nino is coming along to help as a travel guide. (You’ll see.) Continue reading
My husband can even make a dress sexy! Kinda!
There’s a missing comma in the title, I wonder if the editors/producers noticed? Also, I read that Melissa (Jesus Spice) and Bro Joe hired a Michael Jackson impersonator at their baby’s christening. Who else but a famewhore would think that was a good idea? Shamone! Oh, and the Gorgas five year old daughter, Antonia, performed a special “dance” for her baby brother. Is this a thing? Do people do this at christenings? OK, I admit I’m not familiar with Christian rituals like this, but still. I MEAN, OPEN BAR FOR A CHURCH SERVICE. Really? Continue reading
I know, I know, there’s clearly something about these caricatures from Jersey that appeals to me, and I can only assume it’s the ocean of differences from my Texan Belle upbringing combined with my fundamentalist religion set of morals as compared to the fist pumping, random sex, spray painted make up lifestyle of Snooki and company.
However. I also grew up on Sweet Valley High books (does anyone remember Pascal’s series Caitlin? The trilogy about the rich bitch Virginia horse girl that accidentally made a cripple out of the ugliest girl in school and spent the rest of the series trying to make a pretty cowboy from Montana love her?) and I have an unabashed love for teen romances. Now that I’m in my 30s, that’s probably creepy, but let’s move past the therapy session for me and get down to brass tacks: is there good, hot sex in this book? Continue reading
I’ve got my pouf on, am pretending that a tube top is an entire dress, have tequila shots and an orange face, because this is it until Italy, folks. We have to say goodbye and do whatever people do when they’re not being drunken party animals. What, do they read? Like, books? Work in an office where they have to cover their chests and legs like grandmas? We’ll get through this together. Come do a shot off my belly, you’ll feel better. Continue reading
Sammi has been scream-crying “I’m not wrong, let me go!” for what seems like an eternity (really just since the last episode) and Ron replies, “Oh, you’re never wrong!” BOOM, in your face, Sam.
But I was promised Meatballs in boxes, like Maru, but greasier. Continue reading
(these are late because I was hit with the monster flu. Apologies.)
We last left off with Ron and Sam being friends, with no hint whatsoever of wanting to get back together, and they both decided to lay of Xenadrine and tanning and take up urban beekeeping. MIRACLES WERE HAPPENING. So can these two make it work? Spoiler alert: durr. Continue reading
I’m rooting for these kids, I really am, but holy Mary mother of Godric, they are some filthy-ass roommates. Fresh-to-death my ass.
Before we get to the unbelievable toilet situation, we last left off with Sammi having come back to the house. While everyone greets her with smiles and hugs, Ron – a dopey expression on his face – takes the entire pitcher of Ron-Ron Juice (essence of Lavender and a Cling sheet mixed with butterbeer) in his grip and staggers outside to collect himself. Continue reading
I’ve never been to the shore, the closest I’ve gotten is the song Bitchin’ Camaro, so I have no idea how small a place it is. It seems like there may only be fifty people that live there. I say that because the show opens with Snooki snuggling with her Mario Brother, who isn’t feeling it. He leaves, she complains to Jenni about how the sex wasn’t even worth it [national television diss! Ouch.] and Jenni tells her that maybe she should call up Roger’s buddy Nick, who she met up with a few weeks back. Good idea, they talk on the phone and make plans to have a date at 4:30. The small town stuff is coming, hang on.
Meanwhile, Continue reading
I’ve learned that in addition to the birthplace of all artificial flavorings, Jersey is also where clichéd statements are born. The more you know…
Last episode was Sammi leaving, and we open with Ron watching her go, then he takes the Long Walk to the patio and cries it out like the tough guy he is. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for men expressing emotions beyond anger and horniness, but this guy cries at the drop of a hat. Or the slam of a door. Or the sound of a beer being cracked open. Or the switching on of a hair straightener. Nut up, Bubba. Continue reading