PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND! – Endless sweaty gladiator training scenes! Glaber was a douchebag! Batty revealed himself as a pantysniffer! Crixus’ cock was a superstar! Sparty made a deal with the devil! And Ilithyia jizzed in her pants.
Early in the morning, Spartacus is alone in his cell, dressing himself in his practice gear: a short leather manica over his right shoulder, and heavy cloth and leather ocrea on both legs. (daily dose of greaves fetish: satisfied.) He pauses for a moment to snuggle Sura’s purple garter to his manly bosom, before tying it to his forearm beneath his vambraces. Aww. Then it’s out to the practice sands, where Doctore is not terribly impressed with Sparty’s gladiatorial form while kicking Kerza’s ass. I am too busy staring at Sparty’s ass in his tiny little gladiator panties to pay much attention, as per usual. HOW PREDICTABLE. Continue reading
PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND – Warriors warred! Barbarians barbarianed! Women kicked ass and took names! And someone stole Glaber’s wine.
Sweaty unshaven Sparty lies shackled on an uncomfortable-looking wooden bed, sleeping in the late afternoon sunlight, when the touch of a hand on his chest awakens him. It’s Sura! A sweaty and disheveled Sura! Delighted snogging ensues. Spartacus witters on about how worried he was when the Romans stole her away, but she’s having none of his meebling – she wants to make out like whoa. Pretty soon they’re at it like knives, with much bouncy and jiggly enjoyment, but suddenly…. Sura’s head explodes in a messy gout of blood. Wut? Continue reading
PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: BLOOD AND SAND!– technically, nothing happened, because this is the first episode. Derp. Go watch Gods of the Arena, I’ll wait here.
A grimy, longhaired, hotass loinclothed man in chains opens his eyes and lo, it is our darling friend Spartacus! He’s sat in some grotty bloodstained cell, while above him, the rafters shake and spill sand from the arena in fair Capua. Yes, within the first 30 seconds of the series, WE HAVE BLOOD AND WE HAVE SAND. I love the utter lack of subtlety in this show. I love it forever. Continue reading