PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: GODS OF THE ARENA! Miss her, kiss her, love her, that girl was poisoned! Blinded by the light! She’s a little runaway! Gone Daddy gone! I am running out of 80s songs argh.
Situation is seriouuuuss, guys. (Man, that song will be stuck in my head all damn day now.) Titus is laid out, dead and pasty and a little bit moldy, in the centre of the villa, as pretty much all of Capua comes to pay their respects. Magistrate Sextus attempts to comfort Batiatus by reminding him how much Titus was loved by everyone, but Batty’s not particuarly interested. No, as usual, he’d prefer to sulk over the fact that nobody loves him the best. Oh Batty, always the bridesmaid and never the bride! Continue reading
PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: GODS OF THE ARENA! Orgius Maximus! Melitta and Gannicus are inexplicably falling in love! Ashur revealed the depth of his douchebag character! And Tullius the Total Fucking Asshole murdered my girlfriend. *weeps*
Melitta is heading down the villa’s stairs to the pantry/wine cellar, when a shirtless and oiled Gannicus appears out of fucking nowhere. Someone needs to put a bell on his collar. Quite rightly, Melitta wants to know how he got past the great big locked iron gates. “I smashed through them with my mighty gladiator cock,” Gannicus inexplicably does not proclaim. Melitta’s freaked out, because what if they’re discovered? But no, Gannicus would do
~anything for love risk anything for her.
So yeah, obviously this is a dream, right? Continue reading
PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: GODS OF THE ARENA! Orgy, Interrupted! The Return of the Mack (Daddy)! A Tale of Four Titties! And A Star is Born.
The grotty old arena is busy this afternoon, with a trident-and-net-fighter (a retiarius, Batty helpfully informs us) up against a legionary-style gladiator (a murmillo, Titus helpfully informs us). Since neither fighter belongs to the House of Batiatus, Titus and Batty can enjoy the performance and nerdily debate the pros and cons of each fighting skill. Titus is not much in favour of this newfangled style of net-fighting, calling the man “more fisherman than gladiator”. Ooh, incendium. Continue reading
PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: GODS OF THE ARENA – we had long awaited beatdowns! long awaited threesomes! death! betrayal! hot sex! tragic sex! And Barca pissed in the porridge. Bad Barca, no biscuit.
Our army of hot mens is assembling in the ludus for a triumphant announcement from Batty – Gannicus will fight in the primus of the opening games at the new arena! Gannicus looks uber emo at the mention of the awesome performance that won him this honor, namely, the boning of his beffie’s wife. Melitta similarly tries not to look nauseated and fails. SIGH. Oenomaus’ ascension to Doctore is also announced, to wild cheering, because let’s face it, everyone fucking loves his fine ass. Continue reading
PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: GODS OF THE ARENA! We saw old friends, we met new friends, we saw old enemies as old friends, we met new enemies and wanted to shank them, a smug frat boy was Champion of Capua, and Crixus was a long-haired woobie. A cool story, bro, indeed.
Poor Batiatus. He’s been having wicked nightmares lately, constantly reliving his epic beatdown in the market at the hands (and urethras) of Tullius and Vettius. It’s an excellent look into his psyche when we see that the most painful part of his dream is not the actual physical abuse, but how he imagines the people disgustedly turning away from him in the marketplace as though he’s a hideous monster. Oh Batsypie. You are a monstrous creeper, but it’s not because you got your ass kicked and your face pissed on. It’s because you’re an amoral sociopathic dickwad. FYI. Continue reading
Watch Spartacus on Starz Friday nights, check local listings.
Oh Spartacus. I have been waiting so goddamn long for this prequel shit. If you fail me, there will be much sobbing and flailing and rending of garments – no pressure or anything. It’s already bad enough that this season will be Spartyless. Continue reading