Tag Archives: Starz

Magic City 1.1 – The Year of the Fin

There’s a naked woman swimming around to a kitschy-cool late 50’s instrumental. Then the woman’s gone and there’s a shark gliding through the turquoise water. Pan out, there’s a man in a suit and this is his aquarium.

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Spartacus: Vengeance – 2.10 – Wrath of the Gods

(I am so, so sorry that I ever questioned this show’s dedication to utter insanity, y’all. I will never make such a sad mistake again, because this was everything a season finale should be and so much more.)

The rebels spend another cold night atop Vesuvius, overlooking the firelit Roman camps below. Their own supplies are running low, both firewood and food alike. Spartacus has his Gravely Concerned Leader face on, but he eventually breaks into a small smile under the force of Mira’s quiet confidence in him and his leadership skills. Sparty’s glad that Mira is there, as always, to drag him out of his emo musings, and tells her so. Her lighthearted response is nevertheless heartbreaking, when she says it’s “a talent I pray your next woman holds.”

KISS HER YOU FOOL!

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Spartacus: Vengeance – 2.09 – Monsters

PENULTIMATE EPISODE OF SEASON TWO! You guys. Action-packed doesn’t even begin to sum this up. “Pants-poopingly epic” is somewhat closer.

Donar’s innocently having a wee in the woods when BAM! he’s clocked on the head from behind. It’s dark-o-clock in the morning and everyone’s asleep at the temple, except for Nasir and Lugo, who are on watch atop the wall. Well, Nasir’s on watch, anyway. Lugo is mostly just huddling in his fur blankie and dozing off. Nasir pokes at him, trying to keep him awake, but Lugo’s really not feeling it. Leave him alone, little man! Lugo need nap!

bitty baby Lugo is sleepy!

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Spartacus: Vengeance – 2.08 – Balance

We open in the forested countryside of Capua, where Gannicus is leading a blindfolded and hand-tied Ilithyia through the trees. She’s filthy and a little bruised, and is wavering between terror and outrage. She’s smart enough to fear Gannicus, having seen him dispatch a good dozen of her husband’s best men without a single scratch left upon him, but she’s also pretty set in her “Romans good, slaves bad” ways.

Gannicus hears the sound of approaching footsteps, and removes both her blindfold and bindings, cautioning her to act normal and follow his lead as a trio of hunters emerges from the trees. Gannicus gives them some Banbury tale of “his wife” being thrown from a gimpy old horse on the road to Pompeii, and, by the expressions on everyone’s faces, this is maybe the least believable lie ever told in the history of falsehoods.

tiny gladiator panties on FIRE!

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Spartacus: Vengeance – 2.07 – Sacramentum

(Sorry for the delay, guys! Moving is horrible and I don’t ever want to do it again.)

The Port of Neapolis looks like an utterly miserable vacation spot, y’all. It’s dark o’clock in the dead of night and the rain is pissing down, and everyone on the docks looks about as surly as you’d expect, working a wet stormy night shift more than 2,000 years before the coming of Starbucks.

Lucius and Agron, swathed in the traditional cloaks of People Going About Mysterious Business, bribe a slave ship’s captain to get the first look at his hold full of captured fighting men before the marketplace auction later that morning. The captain is surprised that they’re so interested in the men, as the call for this kind of slave has decreased since Capua’s arena burned down, but the substantial purse of coin Lucius hands over distracts the captain from this inconvenient line of questioning. When the captain descends into the belly of the ship with Lucius and Agron, Sparty and Donar slip up over the edge of the dock and, with knife and rope, silently dispatch the guards left on deck.

o hai

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Spartacus: Vengeance – 2.06 – Chosen Path

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: VENGEANCE! Sexy scheming! Two-timing all around! Madness and fire in the arena! Dramatic rescues! GANNICUS! Best. Episode. Ever.

Sparty and the men return to the temple outside of Vesuvius, carrying Oenomaus on a stretcher. The rest of the rebels cheer excitedly when Agron tells them how the arena is toast and Capua is in shambles, but one particular rebel has something else on her mind—Chadara. She doesn’t see Rhaskos among the returning men, and looks pretty nervous. Agron and Donar’s announcement that he died “as all men should,” with his sword in his hands, is not really comforting. Not at all.

this is not the face of someone whose day is going well

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Spartacus: Vengeance – 2.05 – Libertus

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: VENGEANCE! Death in the woods! Death at a party! Hot asses and cold icy rage! Nasir gets wounded, Seppius gets told, Ilithyia plots like never before, and omg Mira is a kickass ninja.

(You guys. Seriously. This episode was everything I have ever wanted in a teevee show and so much more. Prepare yourselves for unprecedented levels of CAPSLOCK and overall hysteria.)

We’re in Capua’s familiar arena as blood drips onto the sand and the very walls shake from the crowd’s excitement. There’s one hell of a fight going on between a murmillo and a hoplomachus — the latter wins, and everyone up in the pulvinus agrees that this is certainly a fine showing and an honor to the games’ patron, Varinius. Everyone except Glaber, that is — he’s got the most epic of bitchfaces on and isn’t being too discriminating about showing it around to anyone foolish enough to make eye contact.

glaber is judging you

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Spartacus: Vengeance – 2.04 – Empty Hands

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: VENGEANCE! Naevia’s safe but Crixus is screwed! Agron the betrayer is betraying all over the place! Ashur smacks and Oenomaus cracks! And omg, Glaber has a fantastic ass.

The rebels are hiding in the forest from Glaber’s men, who have pursued them from the mines. Everyone’s still and quiet under the leaves, save for Naevia, who is moments away from a weapons-grade freakout. Eventually the pressure is too much for her and she flips her shit, and runs screaming into the trees. Bad move, girlfriend. These dudes have spears and one hell of a grudge, and they are hot on your tail.

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Spartacus: Vengeance – 2.03 – The Greater Good

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: VENGEANCE! Slaves freed! Alliances shunned! Badasses betrayed! AND THE RETURN OF ASHUR!

A heavily guarded covered wagon rolls through the forest, full of naked slaves on their way to the mines. Since the show is never particularly clear about what mines they’re talking about, I always assume it’s the Mines of Moria. I find this assumption terribly amusing, and will spend the rest of the episode waiting for someone to yell “FLY, YOU FOOLS!”

The convoy stops suddenly, confusing the lone guard inside the wagon. He then makes a terrible decision that anyone with half a brain can tell will end badly — he puts his eye right up against a tear in the wagon’s cover to peek outside. Is it any wonder that he’s summarily skewered through the head by Sparty’s sword? No. No it is not.

FOR THE HORDE!

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Spartacus: Vengeance – 2.02 – A Place In This World

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: VENGEANCE – Glaber receives Sparty’s love letter! Albinius is a pissy little bitch! Crixus finally gets word of Naevia, yay! Lucretia turns up all filthy and craycray! And Doctore must go to the only place for an animal without honor… wait, is it 4chan?

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